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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hmm really fancy this bloke, and he likes me, BUT he is my (sort-of) mate's EX..

55 replies

allgonebellyup · 23/06/2007 10:56

He has been flirty with me for a while, but i know they have only JUST split up and are having to think of selling the house etc.
She is my sort-of friend, only known them both for about 3months, but our dds are in the same dance class and live nearby.

The bloke gave my dd a lift to a day out the whole dance class was having and asked for my number in case of emergency.
So then he was texting me all day and even called me.
i know they are split now but she doesnt know hes been texting me and i think she would go mad, although she says to me she would be happy to be rid of him..i feel weird being her mate and listening to her talking about the split and how he sleeps on the sofa...WHILST he is texting me..

i know i should steer clear, shouldnt i?? i have told him to go away for a while but deep down i do like him.
i dont want to be a shitty crap friend.

OP posts:

colditz · 23/06/2007 10:58

wait until he is absolutely not living with her. Steer well clear until then

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 23/06/2007 11:00

well i know he doesnt live there any more, he's been living at his mums for 2months and just visits the kids.

still feels awful though.

OP posts:

colditz · 23/06/2007 11:01

I really would leave it until the dust settles. this could be very very sticky.

NuttyMuffins · 23/06/2007 11:02

Agree with Colditz.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 23/06/2007 11:02

yes thats exactly what i said to him.

Will tell him to leave it - he does understand how risky it is, thank god.

OP posts:

warthog · 23/06/2007 12:11

also, i'd get the low down from your mate so you know what you're letting yourself in for. if you decide to go out with him eventually.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 23/06/2007 13:15

Well i asked her why she is splitting with him and she just says she hates living with men as they are so messy , and she feels like shes flogging a dead horse.
but obviously she doesnt realise i like him and he likes me..

OP posts:

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 23/06/2007 13:28

I would follow Colditz' advice, as much as they may not be caring for each other anymore, you can not be sure if he is really interested in you or just feeling lonely after the end of what looks as a serious relationship. I would leave the dust to settle and then, if he and you are still interested, go ahead.

The fact that she is blaming the problem in men bein messy seems like a good idea to avoid talking about the real issues.

Bouquetsofdynomite · 23/06/2007 13:34

Do you really want to be the rebound girl? When you think he's really free and his life is a bit less chaotic, tell her he's asked you out and say 'I know it's a stupid idea, remind me all the bad things about him.' If you still want him after that, hopefully she might even find it funny.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 23/06/2007 13:41

No dont want to be the rebound girl, also i only split from MY dh at exactly the same time as her, so i could be on the rebound too!!
Although my feelings for dh are totally gone and i do feel ready to move on.
am going on a girly holiday next week, hopefully i can release my frustration with some nice boys abroad!!

OP posts:

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 23/06/2007 13:41

by the way he's not asked me out, just sniffing round for a bit of a fling... sex i think!!!!

OP posts:

Bouquetsofdynomite · 23/06/2007 13:59

Yeah but he will have asked you out by the time he's sorted himself out! You've both probably got 'newly single' pheromones oozing from every pore .

joash · 23/06/2007 14:05

Depends on what your 'rules' about friends are. Personally, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, no matter how much I liked him. My friends and I have this sort of unwritten rule - NEVER, EVER get involved with anyone where friends have been or would like to go ... but thats us.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 23/06/2007 14:52

i know but she's only a kind of new friend, as i say ive only known her for 3 months and we dont actually socialise outside our dd's dance lessons.though she is v chatty with me and we do sometimes walk home together.

if it were one of my real long term friends then i would send him packing..

(hmm does it sound like im making excuses in my head? )

OP posts:

joash · 23/06/2007 14:56

Can't you talk to your friend and see what she thinks?

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 23/06/2007 14:58

i should but i just keep chickening out as i fear she will go mad..

i keep asking how she'd feel if he got together with another girl and she says "relieved" but then i dont have the bottle to mention it might be me!!

OP posts:

joash · 23/06/2007 15:00

Involve copious amount of alcohol - then ask her at least if she goes mad, you can say you were p*ssed LOL

madamez · 23/06/2007 15:01

It does depend what your sort of friend thinks - and how much you mind about her feelings (ie if she's only an acquaintance and she acts unreasonably it might not bother you so much, etc). Also, she might be thrilled at someone taking the bloke off her hands - or simply indifferent to what he does. You can't know unless you ask her. But when you do ask her, make it a fairly light, casual convo...

mairoo · 23/06/2007 15:01

I would steer well clear.

When I was at uni I went out with a guy who (at the time) I thought was the love of my life...I still think he might have been, actually. Anyway he was a bit of a commitment-phobe although we did go out for a year or so and for ages afterwards anytime we were drunk we ended up together! He was also my best mate though, as we had been friends long before anything else.

To cut a long story short my best (female) mate then made a play for him and they ended up going out together. I couldn't handle it - I thought that she (not he, interestingly enough) had betrayed me in the worst way possible...
I stayed friends with him and did try to patch things up with her but it was never the same again. They split up anyway.

I know the situation is a little different to yours as she is not your best mate - but even so, it could really really hurt her.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 23/06/2007 15:09

yes i really dont want to hurt her ..

i already feel myself avoiding her at dds dance class so i dont feel as guilty if we're not really good friends..so in my head that makes it better cos we're not proper mates. she invited me to go out for the day with her and our dds but i declined through potential guilt.

does that make sense ?

OP posts:

Bouquetsofdynomite · 24/06/2007 15:22

I would chat but keep them both at a certain distance until he's definitely moved out. Then see how you feel. I assume dance class will finish soon with hols coming up? It will be easier to 'try him out' when you don't have to see her every week, then if it all fizzles out you can have a good laugh with her about him next term (but don't keep it secret).

SenoraPostrophe · 24/06/2007 15:26

actually dh lived with one of my best friends about a million years ago and it was never a problem.

but there was a lot more than 2 months in between and I asked her first. 2 months is no time at all, and actually it's probably a good idea to avoid him anyway until he's sorted himself out.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 24/06/2007 17:23

no, dance class actually keeps up through the holidays, and as the girls are at a v good level its 3 times a week!

He actually turned up at my house last night(txted me first) with an enormous bouquet of flowers and also wine, we had a lovely 4hr chat! but i certainly didnt let him kiss me or anything like that. He was trying to get close but even when i was pissed as a newt i still didnt let him touch me.

think that will be the last of it, just want space to breathe and let the dust settle with his ex.

OP posts:

Tinkerbel5 · 24/06/2007 18:07

agbu what do you value more, a potential new friend or a bloke on the rebound looking for a shoulder to cry on ? I would be honest and admit to this 'friend' whats happening, otherwise if she finds out it will make you look underhand especially since you have been asking questions about him, might even look like you have intended to make a play for him.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 24/06/2007 18:44

yes

although this may be partly true?

am not a v good friend

OP posts:

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