Step child holidays

[proudmummywife]

This will be long so a apologise in advance. The last 2 years we took step child on holidays was a complete nightmare. Telling lies about me or dh or my children hurting her, if you walked past her and brushed her arm she would fall to floor screaming in pain does it at home with her mum and siblings also.
Has a real vendetta against 4 year old hurting him nipping him and denying it even tho she was blatantly caught. Kicking sand in his face.
When dh called 4 year old to run into his arms step child was other side and ran out of her way to 4 year old to push him and he slipped up concrete with force getting nasty grazes to legs arms and hands. Step child laughed then when seen the attention 4 year old got being cuddled and us panicking over him she cried out of jealousy. This happened last year. Step child done same this year and when we fussed over him as he was bleeding (knees cut) she huffed. Later that evening at park she let out a scream and said her leg was cut and we all ran over she was hysterical and she didn't have a mark as she didn't even fall it was to get the attention 4 year old got. She screams over old cuts happened weeks ago for attention.
It is really wearing constantly hearing I'm hurt I'm sore, crying randomly. Asked me on last hol was she cute I said you are beautiful then says you don't like me and screamed 🤨 rest of holiday telling me I love my own kids more bearing in mind I am good to her and I do love her I play with her constantly and tell her a love her and show her affection. But if i give any my own children affection she runs to room slams door in jealousy which leaves me having to give less afftlection to children incase I upset her and its not fair. Both holidays have been horrible and because she took all my attention to placate her and keep her happy (never enough) I felt I didn't give my own children enough. My dh felt the same he can't cope with cheeky children and she give it in buckets especially to my parents and the are going next year with us.
Last 2 hilolidays her behaviour was worse on 5th day and said its cos she wanted her mum. Next year's holiday is for 12 days and very far away we can't just take her home. What would you do is it wrong to not take her? I know i sound like an evil step mother but I'm honestly not , her mum always says how much she appreciates me and my help and how much I love her and I do but she is really difficult for me and her mum struggles also. She wont take no for an answer and constantly asks to she gets answer she wants because it works on my. When I say no to her she stands staring at my for at least half hour with an angry face and no matter how many times I ask her to stop its rude she continues and won't answer my and follows me if I try to move from her view.
Apologise about spelling and grammar .
Please no hate we trying our best and we do love her.

How old is the little girl? There is obviously something going on with her at the moment so my advice would be to talk to her, maybe all of you sit down together to talk to her. If she see that you are all there for her she might open up.

The jealousy has been as long as we can remember when she was 6 and youngest born she used to nip him and dig her elbow in him lying on floor and swing his chair so the toys on the mobile would hit his face we couldn't leave her alone for a minute. Used to throw 4 year old under bath water, that's all stopped now its more lieing and getting others in trouble. The time she said I hurt her her dad was there she screamed and tried make herself sick she forgot why she was crying. She felt so bad when she got home to her mum saying she feels bad for saying I hurt her and cried her mum rang me. I was really upset over this because I would never hurt her.

She is 8. We have tried that. She says she doesn't know why she jealous of younger siblings she still loves them. When she says I love my kids more than her the following week she could say to 4 year old I love her more than him

It's on going from she was 2 always hit out and had tantrums that never stopped.

Will you take her on a different holiday?
A shorter one closer to home?
I couldn't deal with this but you are doing a good job.
But.... you all need to stop enabling this behaviour.
Do not back down.
Do not give in - no matter what!
Do not reduce attention for your DC because she is so demanding.
She needs to understand that she does not get her own way all the time.
She's not learning that at all from what you have written.

If you will get another holiday with her, then I'd say, yes you can have one without her.

She sounds very troubled and I don't think leaving her out of family holidays is going to help matters. Does she get time alone with her Dad? Has he looked into therapy of some kind for her? Spoken to her teachers?

Yeah I would be interested to know her age also. Sounds like maybe she needs some sort of counseling, she clearly has issues around her parents not being together and this new family that she has to share her dad with etc I think actually excluding her from the holiday would make things alot worse though, that seems really mean (but I do get why you're frustrated with the situation)

We would take her on a shorter on that we could drive her home if she cried for her mum. We don't enable it we do call her out on it but her tantrums get worse crying that she going to be sick then I worry incase she going to choke its that bad. Her behaviour worse with her mum, her mum has rang my crying late at night I've had to lift her next day cos she can't cope. Her mum gives her everything she wants she wanted a mobile phone and her mum said not with her behaviour and her dad said no she too young anyway. She got one.

It's not her mum and dad as she can't remember me not in her life mum and dad was one night stand. And it's actually me she wants to ring all the time. She went through a stage calling me mummy and went crazy when I told her she had a lovely mummy I'm her step mum and love her same. She used to cry for me at home.

Her mum gives her everything she wants she wanted a mobile phone and her mum said not with her behaviour and her dad said no she too young anyway. She got one.

So basically she's learned that if she cries and has tantrums she will get what she wants? That's the parents fault then not hers really, kids will push as far as they're allowed to get away with. Unless her mother starts to tell her no and sticks with it, she's not going to learn to behave properly. It's sad really because she's doing her daughter such a big disservice, no one will want to have her over for playdates etc

She was to get counselling last year but her mum said she been good for 1 week and was all dropped. She swears at home calls step dad names and kicks out at mum. We don't see that extreme.

My dh has said this all to her mum and she says she knows but then feels bad if she doesn't give it. Then when she here she can't understand why she can't get what she wants and takes it out in 4 year old.

Her mum got her the phone not her dad.

I don't really think you can take her if it's going to be a longish holiday and out of the country. She would ruin it for everyone. I'm sure her mum and stepdad take her on holiday. If you go during term time she can't be away from school anyway, can she?

She's obviously got serious problems and needs counselling, at the very least.

Her mum has never took her on holiday her and step dad has been away on their own once. Nokissing I have thought that but at same time she is a very confident little girl very outgoing to everyone and loud talks over adults for attention talking about herself and how beautiful she is to anyone who will listen (She is very pretty) she acts alot older than what she is but wants treated like a baby at same time. I have told her mum to get her signed for counselling countless times and she agrees but nothing happens.
The 2 homes are very different, we have a 5 bed detached house, her mum's is a tiny council house and she is very materialistic I think she jealous of that.
We visited my brothers house 6 bed 4 ensuites marvel stair case its like a hotel and she refused to speak to kids or my brother and sis in law when we got into car she said I hate that house my mum's is way nicer its def jealousy of my nephews and nieces. It's strange for a child her age to even notice things like that I thought. Last year she didn't want to live with her mummy she was crying I got worried and sat her down and asked why not what's wrong and she said cos she hates her runners if i put makeup on and heels she wants to sit on me and kiss and hug me all day, she really is all about looks and material things and comments on over weight people. Made a woman cry related to her granny cos said she made her sick

Ofcourse me or dh have never heard her say anything to that extreme but I can imagine her saying it. I asked her mum what she done about it and she said nothing sure she knows child enough now not to be crying over a child

Its very obvious, based on your recent update, the child has a very low self esteem and is lashing out angrily at you, your children and her father. Based on her young age she doesn't understand whats wrong with her. All she sees is, you and your family living in a beautiful home, visiting your brothers beautiful home and going on these great holidays that she never experiences with her own mother. She knows she doesn't belong to this family. That is how she see's it , in her own eyes as she is always returned to the council house. To be honest I feel really sorry for her, and by her calling you Mum is very indicative to her wishing she belonged to her Dads family, its a very sad situation. She probably doesn't feel good enough. I know you will probably reply stating how welcome you all make her feel, but she's obviously quite intelligent and knows she's really just visiting. Is it a 50/50 set up?
Its a difficult one to resolve. Perhaps try seeing her life through her eyes!

Attachment issues I don't think there are any and she loves affection always hugging us and kissing us and her mum and step dad. She gets alot of affection and always saying I love you every 5 mins. She does seem to need reassurance all the time. I've googled it all and dh tells me to stop trying to label her she's a child and spoilt. So I gave up because I feel her mum and dad think I'm making bigger issue than what it is, but I believe it's easier for an outsider to see it. If she visits dh family with him alone she barely answers them when spoken to and shrugged shoulders in a rude manner, when our younger kids there too she all over them to try get the attention b4 the youngest children gets any.

I wouldnt want to take her away for 12 days if her behaviour doesn't t change. It sounds like everyone else can't enjoy themselves as they are worried about upsetting her.
I would suggest that maybe you explain you will take her away for a few days, somewhere she can help choose (around her birthday?) but you won't be taking her away for the 12 day holiday as 'she doesn't seem to enjoy the time away and misses her Mum'. Tell her the tears, crying, hurting herself all seem to indicate it's not such a good idea and you don't want her crying on what essentially should be a happy time.

It's a shame to be so materialistic at such a young age. Maybe promise to take her to Butlins next year, on condition that she has behaved well enough to deserve it, and explain to her that this is very much a reward for good behaviour and her being kind to DS. (Bribery!)

I do try see it through her eyes. We have her friday after school to Sunday night every weekend we have her every school holidays all summer her mum's gets her 2 nights. She still loves her mum's house and loves to get home. She loves coming to ours. We can go weeks she is brilliant and really bold at home. She loves us all and we love her. This isnt a thread that I want to not have her its to get outside perspective. Bjrce that has crossed my mind but what can we do? We can't force her mum and step dad to work or buy them a house. Th gives good child support I and always buy her clothes and nice things. They live 1.5 hrs away from us we always grove during week to hers to lift her if we going to cinema or do something fun we never leave her out. I always bring her shoppi g if I'm going with my mum and pamper her. I love her she knows this and we have a good bond. She is a daddies girl too. It's just a jealousy issue and we tried everything even some weekends sending 4 year old to my parents when her bullying of him was getting too much, that's stopped now its just resentment of him but at same time she loves him too. She says she jealous of him but doesn't mean she doesn't love him and doesn't know why she jealous.
She would never want to live with us as she loves her mummy but her mummy is the one she behaves more badly with

If it's any conciliation OP, she may grow out of it in a few years.