Step child holidays

[proudmummywife]

This will be long so a apologise in advance. The last 2 years we took step child on holidays was a complete nightmare. Telling lies about me or dh or my children hurting her, if you walked past her and brushed her arm she would fall to floor screaming in pain does it at home with her mum and siblings also.
Has a real vendetta against 4 year old hurting him nipping him and denying it even tho she was blatantly caught. Kicking sand in his face.
When dh called 4 year old to run into his arms step child was other side and ran out of her way to 4 year old to push him and he slipped up concrete with force getting nasty grazes to legs arms and hands. Step child laughed then when seen the attention 4 year old got being cuddled and us panicking over him she cried out of jealousy. This happened last year. Step child done same this year and when we fussed over him as he was bleeding (knees cut) she huffed. Later that evening at park she let out a scream and said her leg was cut and we all ran over she was hysterical and she didn't have a mark as she didn't even fall it was to get the attention 4 year old got. She screams over old cuts happened weeks ago for attention.
It is really wearing constantly hearing I'm hurt I'm sore, crying randomly. Asked me on last hol was she cute I said you are beautiful then says you don't like me and screamed 🤨 rest of holiday telling me I love my own kids more bearing in mind I am good to her and I do love her I play with her constantly and tell her a love her and show her affection. But if i give any my own children affection she runs to room slams door in jealousy which leaves me having to give less afftlection to children incase I upset her and its not fair. Both holidays have been horrible and because she took all my attention to placate her and keep her happy (never enough) I felt I didn't give my own children enough. My dh felt the same he can't cope with cheeky children and she give it in buckets especially to my parents and the are going next year with us.
Last 2 hilolidays her behaviour was worse on 5th day and said its cos she wanted her mum. Next year's holiday is for 12 days and very far away we can't just take her home. What would you do is it wrong to not take her? I know i sound like an evil step mother but I'm honestly not , her mum always says how much she appreciates me and my help and how much I love her and I do but she is really difficult for me and her mum struggles also. She wont take no for an answer and constantly asks to she gets answer she wants because it works on my. When I say no to her she stands staring at my for at least half hour with an angry face and no matter how many times I ask her to stop its rude she continues and won't answer my and follows me if I try to move from her view.
Apologise about spelling and grammar .
Please no hate we trying our best and we do love her.

And the bribery we tried. Dh said he give her fiver if she good for her mum and some weeks she been mostly good and never forgets the money. I told dh that's bad and setting her up for bad behaviour later years she will only want u when she wants money of you. We have tried the behave or no holidays it doesn't work as she knows she will get anyway. Even rang Santa on an app and she told him she very naughty all year and laughed because she knows she will still get loads. Money her biggest motivater but that's not good parenting if you ask me. Ive tried love bombing it all. She does be over compensated for not being here full time.

OP

Sounds difficult and hard
BUT she’s young and she’s your partner’s child.

So that doesn’t leave any options. Just like it wouldn’t if she was your biological daughter.

So you either take on holiday or you choose a different holiday. Just as you would if your biological child

Thank you nokissing I believe I am a good stepmum her mum and granny always tell me I'm such a big part of her life and love it that she has to ring me after a big achievement. I know she hates that she not mine and my kids are as she feels they more to me than she is. Not that she doesn't want her mum she does she just doesn't want to be less important to me than my own and I reassure her all the time.
I fell out with my own aunt over her once, she was cheeky to her and my aunt said why do you even bother if i were you I wouldn't be taking thon brat unless dh was off work.. little did she know is dsd is more to me than her so I told her its dsd house and aunt said no it's not and I said it was and she more welcome here than she was. Sounds extreme but she was purposely ignoring her and kissing and hugging life out of my youngest on purpose to upset her.

There was a poster recently who was bitter because she had a child with someone on a one night stand and the dad was married and living the life she wanted

That is the issue here, her parents were never together she has never experienced it and she sees what you have and wonders why she wasnt enough

The adults need to sit down and get the counselling and help her through it. She needs help you need professional advice in dealing with it

OP surely you can see that this little girl is very troubled? She is only 8, and you say she has displayed certain behaviours since she was 2. She certainly can't be held accountable for her behaviour at 2, and it is questionable whether she is wholly accountable now. I teach and in my experience, children presenting like this are desperately sad. She is jealous that her step siblings live in a lovely home with her dad. Leaving her out of family holidays will not help.

And I agree with workreturner. When your cute 4yo turns into a stroppy preteen I don't think you'll leave her behind to go on holiday. All of the children should have equal status. Take her and suck it up or find a holiday that works with her. Does her dad want to leave her behind?

Quartz I have said to both none will listen to me. I've tried that much and falls on death ears. I've told them both they need to work together they won't. It's me mum rings. They don't even dislike each other. I get on well with mum so it's me only one trying but I'm not the parent so I can't sort counselling. I didn't post anything being bitter.
My step daughter knows she loved in both houses there are no question about that. She never asked why mum and dad not together she loves me and her step dad. She loves me as much as her dad her said says probably more lol

No that wasnt my point - it was saying that is your step daughter issue she sees other people having the life she wants and feels she deserves and its making her act out.

And I think its worse she clearly has 2 parents who are failing her - its not a lol that she loves you more than her Dad - its a sad statement of a girl with attachment issue

You do sound like you care and are trying your best, but I don't understand why you booked 12 days in a very far away place when it is clear that one of the children in your family just wouldn't be able to cope with that at the present time.

Neither of us want to leave her behind. It's my parents taking us on holiday as said b4 she very rude towards them and any adult to be fair. I really want to solve the behaviour and more around the jealousy toward 4 year old he thinks she's brilliant and can be looking at her starry eyed while she talking about him with worst words in her belly. I'm not saying we will go without her I'm asking would it be so wrong. Her Mum and dad think it's more spoilt behaviour and I'm just trying to find a reason behind it when there isn't just plain bad behaviour.

There isn't an answer, is there? If dsd wants to live in the big house with you, but she bullies your DC too much and can't be trusted - and she loves her own mum anyway and wouldn't want to leave her - she can never live with you. But it sounds likes you have her a lot anyway, more than most SPS would. Is there any way you can spend time with her doing girlie stuff, shopping etc. without the boys?

I think you’ve all got to sit down as parents the four of you face to face have a conference to work out your plan and what will happen going forward. I would even go so far as to do family counselling with you all.
Currently you are not all on the same page and she knows it.

Everything for her seems inconsistent and it does sound like low self esteem/attachment issues.

The adults need to work together in this situation

It isn't booked its my parents wanting to take us all as Xmas present step daughter included. I'm just seeing my options b4 anything is booked. Deep down we both know we won't go without.
He says she loves me more as a joke she doesn't she just comes to me more to play as she a girly girl and we play hairdressers and I'm her client. When I had my 2 youngest I had her full time bar 2 days week mum had her while both worked mum used to works b4 she had another baby. I chose to have her as I do love her as my own contrary to how I put my original post.
I also don't believe it's just bad behaviour I know there is more to it that's why I keep insisting to her mum and dad to no avail.

The reason is clear - its HER PARENTS that are causing this.

EITHER

they are right as it her spolit behaviour that is causing it. Well who has created that - yes they have. Who can solve it - well again that is easy THEM. But it will need them to act togeher

OR and more likely

They have been so poor at dealing with the fact that she has never experienced a stable family home with both of them and that rather than be understanding and listening to her label her spoilt

The solution is they need to get their act together and start parenting her properly otherwise they are failing her

I wonder how on earth you can cope being married to such a man.

And would it be wrong, if by wrong you mean do further harm to a clearly already messed up child then yes. But at the same time you do have to put the needs of your children first. This is on her parents to solve.

They think I'm trying to label her I'm not I just want her to get help. I've suggested she might have adhd but I was slammed. As can be coming across as bad behaviour but it's just because we don't have the tools to help her.

If you’re the only one who wants to help her then you’re a bit fucked really.
Everyone needs to be on board.
As I said, call a family meeting with adults only obviously and try and confront the problems that everyone is ignoring.
If that doesn’t work, then I’m sorry I would say to everyone that you’re not prepared to take her on holiday.

This is all about the parenting

Ah sorry I thought it was booked. Maybe somewhere less far away would be a compromise, with your DH being made aware that if she wants to go home and kicks off then he is responsible for taking her back whilst you stay on with your kids and parents as you are entitled to a break too and you already do alot for her.

How can i be married to such a man? How do you come to this conclusion? My husband is an amazing father and husband. He does discipline her and she is always better behaved with him he gives her time and attention and step daughter agrees he is a great dad. He adores his children equally. He does believe her mum spoils her and let's her away with murder and she does and she admits she does.

Ahh this is so hard!
As Quartz2208 just said. The issue here is her parents. Both of them. And your hands are somewhat tied if they continue they way they are. All will in the world you cant solve this problem on your own.

We have stepson 50/50 and have some struggles with mum as she's too soft and doesn't discipline appropriately (in our opinion) so have had a few bumps but DH and I work together and are very firm when he is at our house and he soon got the picture. (There was a lot of cheek/rudeness to other adults, and him thinking that he could have a say/opinion in adult things that don't concern him)
It sometimes is a battle as obviously he is allowed to act different with mum, but luckily me and DH are on the same page. So that needs to be your starting point. You cant control what happens at mums, so you need to start with your husband and work from there.

I feel for you I really do. And for her, poor girl obviously has some major issues and the adults in her life (not you) are not helping at all.

It's not that they don't want to help its more of case of the 2 having rose tinted glasses and not seeing step daughter to extent rest of us do. Her mum cries to me she can't cope with her as stated b4 but she not helping situation by giving her everything for easy life and letting her do as she pleases. Dh had tried to help and spoke to mum what does she do when she bullies a child outside and says she should be took in rest of the day mum mum said no but she loves outside, I think it's more rather her outside for the peace and quiet. Dh has drove up last min to take sd or speak to her he has tried everything. But her mum has her most the time and we can't control what she does.

Because he isnt been an amazing father if he thinks its down to spoiling her. Being a parent is fighting even when its hard - and he needs to go to bat for her. She sounds like she has attachment issues and she needs counselling - he needs to accept that.

There is a divide her in how you are selling this between the amazing father and the one who wont do anything

We are living in a broadly similar world to yourself DSS lives with us the majority of the time visits his mum every other weekend. She is on her third child since she left him with his dad. We live different lives in that we take the kids on holidays at least once a year (not extravagant) plus go out and do something most weekends. Take him to football 4 times a week, he doesn't want for much. His mums is the opposite they do nothing at weekend, never been on holiday, and do not spend the money on experiences that we do. This is not to do with money they just prioritise spending on other areas.
DSS struggles with this and get jealous whenever any of his mums kids gets a toy and he doesn't etc. We also have to try and explain to him that he gets stuff in two places and his half siblings only get stuff in one place but it can make him very possessive over 'stuff' - utter drama about downsizing toys (including ones he hasn't played with for over 2 years). He has problems that his mum left him and then had more children who she loves more and spends time with.
He can act out very badly mainly to my family and be very rude /ungrateful/obnoxious a lot of this is down to feeling abandoned and different living styles however, the advice we have had is that regardless of the reason is that boundaries should still be enforced and that bad behaviour should not be tolerated. DSS had an epic tantrum at my parents on holiday last year and he lost all of his stuff overnight which he had to earn back. He is nearly ten so would have been 8 at the time. Over the past 18 months he has improved immeasurably as we have been very consistent.
Sorry that is very long but short version is that no matter what the reason certain boundaries have to be enforced.

I just feel im ok to have her while they work or drive 1.5 hrs to lift her when mum cant cope but I'm not allowed to have a say in what she needs counselling wise or how to go forward. Dh works late week days so has to be me lifting her when mum rings.
I do get frustrated telling him to speak to her mum go get help he says he has no say ( in past he tried to help and she accused him of interfering with her parenting and didn't get her following week) so I blow up and say then don't take her unless you are home cos I'm not just your babysitter. He does try but her mum doesn't follow through so he believes if we carry on with good discipline and as long as she good here that's main thing we need to worry about as mum will just do it her way. But she there more and that's how she will be shaped as an adult throws tantrum get material things anything she wants

oh OP this is the other side I am talking about when it comes to your husband and it does come through your posts except when you feel you need to protect him