Step child holidays

[proudmummywife]

This will be long so a apologise in advance. The last 2 years we took step child on holidays was a complete nightmare. Telling lies about me or dh or my children hurting her, if you walked past her and brushed her arm she would fall to floor screaming in pain does it at home with her mum and siblings also.
Has a real vendetta against 4 year old hurting him nipping him and denying it even tho she was blatantly caught. Kicking sand in his face.
When dh called 4 year old to run into his arms step child was other side and ran out of her way to 4 year old to push him and he slipped up concrete with force getting nasty grazes to legs arms and hands. Step child laughed then when seen the attention 4 year old got being cuddled and us panicking over him she cried out of jealousy. This happened last year. Step child done same this year and when we fussed over him as he was bleeding (knees cut) she huffed. Later that evening at park she let out a scream and said her leg was cut and we all ran over she was hysterical and she didn't have a mark as she didn't even fall it was to get the attention 4 year old got. She screams over old cuts happened weeks ago for attention.
It is really wearing constantly hearing I'm hurt I'm sore, crying randomly. Asked me on last hol was she cute I said you are beautiful then says you don't like me and screamed 🤨 rest of holiday telling me I love my own kids more bearing in mind I am good to her and I do love her I play with her constantly and tell her a love her and show her affection. But if i give any my own children affection she runs to room slams door in jealousy which leaves me having to give less afftlection to children incase I upset her and its not fair. Both holidays have been horrible and because she took all my attention to placate her and keep her happy (never enough) I felt I didn't give my own children enough. My dh felt the same he can't cope with cheeky children and she give it in buckets especially to my parents and the are going next year with us.
Last 2 hilolidays her behaviour was worse on 5th day and said its cos she wanted her mum. Next year's holiday is for 12 days and very far away we can't just take her home. What would you do is it wrong to not take her? I know i sound like an evil step mother but I'm honestly not , her mum always says how much she appreciates me and my help and how much I love her and I do but she is really difficult for me and her mum struggles also. She wont take no for an answer and constantly asks to she gets answer she wants because it works on my. When I say no to her she stands staring at my for at least half hour with an angry face and no matter how many times I ask her to stop its rude she continues and won't answer my and follows me if I try to move from her view.
Apologise about spelling and grammar .
Please no hate we trying our best and we do love her.

Do not reduce attention for your DC because she is so demanding.

Seconding this. Don’t let your own kids end up bottom of the pile and missing out on time and affection from you.

Her behaviour is very extreme, but if her parents aren’t willing to do anything to get to the bottom of it it’s not going to change, except for the worse.

I can imagine with her behaviour it’s very easy to end up focusing on her with your kids then missing out.

What did she do to the little boy at school that warranted social services to step in.

They don't show up without it being pretty extreme, I feel you are leaving this out on purpose as it's another huge element to her behaviour.

As she is with you frequently, why don't you or your partner arrange for your DSD to have counselling during that time? You don't need to be 'referred' to organise it, there is private counselling available.

Ideally there would be more consistency between her different households and parents but you can't force the other Mum to do what you want. The options aren't 'refer to social services' or leave it. There are lots of other options in between.

After reading all the updates on the thread it is pretty simple. The one post about her mum having an amazing time with all kids but her first is the one that has all the answers. Your SD knows all of this is going on, she's not oblivious to it and this is why she is acting out. This is not your fault it is her mum. I can imagine being a little girl and knowing my mother has had a baby but she's sending me away when all I want is my mum's closeness with the new baby. But mother doesn't want me there for 4 days!!!
The only way to solve this is her mother changing her attitude. She needs to be the happy family with her daughter. Not without. She probably sees this all at home and you and your OH don't see it as you don't live there. Yes she's been spoilt with material possessions but it's probably not really affecting her. It's her mother's attitude towards her daughter. It is really obvious. Don't make excuses for her anymore. Gosh I still remember my sister being able to go out and have lots of fun with our older brother and cousin and I had to stay home and I remember how upset I was lol. But your step daughter has her mother and father apart (which is fine) but she knows as she is going to and from both houses, and especially being sent away from her mum when she doesn't want to be, as well as her mum having lovely days out with the other kids without her. I would be heartbroken to no end if that was me. At first I thought she was a spoilt brat. She's far from it. Yes she's acting out and perhaps I was more the quiet type who just handled it in silence and took all the hurt but your SD is stronger than that and is crying for it to be different. All she wants is her mother's total love, not for her to constantly shove her out and exclude her. Her own mother. Of course she will love her unconditionally as a kid but she wants her mum to be like you, someone who doesn't send her kids away all the time and knows they want them there.

Baba2014 that is the most helpful post. I've always said that then I see mum hugging and kissing her loads when I lift her I wonder is it for show.

I work with children with insecure attachments and she sounds very similar. Look up ambivalent attachment style. It is a deep, intense need for connection, and an inability to use the attention when received in order to feel better, leading to more distress and rejection.
She has big feelings that overwhelm her at times, the dominant one being shame.
She does not need traditional parenting, or a firmer hand. She needs therapeutic parenting. The A to Z of therapeutic parenting by Sarah Naish is a really good book that I think will help.
I can see that you really do care about her and you are trying so hard, it is incredibly difficult to stay calm and caring in the face of these intense needs. If it was easy you’d have cracked it already. I wish you all the best x

Thank you ginsodden thank you. I am always saying there is reason and she may not feel loved but how do I say that to her parents without looking like I'm accusing them. When she was younflger she wanted me all the time I had to stop leaving her home because she would cling around my neck not wanting to go to mummy, now she is older she smarter and knows her loyalties should be with her mum. I take her once a month to get nails painted and hair washed and put up in a girly style so I do try to spend quality time but her mum doesn't. She behaves with her dad because I do believe she feel secure with her dad and boundaries are good. She doesn't have any with mum so because I'm female she thinks I should have none either. She really is a loving child and I know its because she is crying for attention even when she is getting it. I don't doubt her mum loves her she just isn't very maternal.

I would suggest family therapy. You and her mum need help with her and you all need to be consistent.

You sound like a lovely person OP and a brilliant and thoughtful stepmum. I agree your SD is a troubled and unhappy child with issues that need attending to. I think you're between a rock and a hard place because it sounds like her parents are both in denial and possibly feeling guilty/fear being judged. They are letting her down by crossing fingers and hoping. Your SD can probably be helped and the longer this is delayed, the more of a mountain there is to climb. It really seems like she doesn't know where she fits and doesn't feel secure. That does not imply that it's anyone's fault. She's lucky to have you in her life. I think you must be very important to her.

@proudmummywife I'm a very to the point person. I think deep down you do know as it's all write in your post. She probably does love her daughter and showers her with affection but after her long break away from her. The rest is all still happening as you've mentioned. That kid is bright, she knows everything. I was the same as a kid, no nonsense and can see everything clearly from others. She's going through so much. How can we help her though when it's all stemming from her mum's actions?