Step child holidays

[proudmummywife]

This will be long so a apologise in advance. The last 2 years we took step child on holidays was a complete nightmare. Telling lies about me or dh or my children hurting her, if you walked past her and brushed her arm she would fall to floor screaming in pain does it at home with her mum and siblings also.
Has a real vendetta against 4 year old hurting him nipping him and denying it even tho she was blatantly caught. Kicking sand in his face.
When dh called 4 year old to run into his arms step child was other side and ran out of her way to 4 year old to push him and he slipped up concrete with force getting nasty grazes to legs arms and hands. Step child laughed then when seen the attention 4 year old got being cuddled and us panicking over him she cried out of jealousy. This happened last year. Step child done same this year and when we fussed over him as he was bleeding (knees cut) she huffed. Later that evening at park she let out a scream and said her leg was cut and we all ran over she was hysterical and she didn't have a mark as she didn't even fall it was to get the attention 4 year old got. She screams over old cuts happened weeks ago for attention.
It is really wearing constantly hearing I'm hurt I'm sore, crying randomly. Asked me on last hol was she cute I said you are beautiful then says you don't like me and screamed 🤨 rest of holiday telling me I love my own kids more bearing in mind I am good to her and I do love her I play with her constantly and tell her a love her and show her affection. But if i give any my own children affection she runs to room slams door in jealousy which leaves me having to give less afftlection to children incase I upset her and its not fair. Both holidays have been horrible and because she took all my attention to placate her and keep her happy (never enough) I felt I didn't give my own children enough. My dh felt the same he can't cope with cheeky children and she give it in buckets especially to my parents and the are going next year with us.
Last 2 hilolidays her behaviour was worse on 5th day and said its cos she wanted her mum. Next year's holiday is for 12 days and very far away we can't just take her home. What would you do is it wrong to not take her? I know i sound like an evil step mother but I'm honestly not , her mum always says how much she appreciates me and my help and how much I love her and I do but she is really difficult for me and her mum struggles also. She wont take no for an answer and constantly asks to she gets answer she wants because it works on my. When I say no to her she stands staring at my for at least half hour with an angry face and no matter how many times I ask her to stop its rude she continues and won't answer my and follows me if I try to move from her view.
Apologise about spelling and grammar .
Please no hate we trying our best and we do love her.

I try not to say much about mum as I do like her and I know how step mums get bashed saying anything.
Mum buys toys all time for her we don't very simular to KitKat we spend time family days out. She doesn't go anywhere with her, but when we have her I see on fb they away ice skating or theme parks and what not without sd as only 3 seats at back sd misses out it gets dh angry. Send her to us on a special occasion and had a party to celebrate I seen on fb while sd beside me I got upset. To me it feels like they want time with her partner and their kids together. We don't live with sd but we never go places or don't involve her in family occasions.
When she had last baby we were asked to lift sd and she cried she didn't see baby they were all away to lift baby and mum and 2 days old and dh did get angry as her mum was home that day but wanted her lifted b4 she got home, he rang her and said child beside herself he will be taking her home and mum was livid said she be ok in hour see how she settles. We were to have her 4 days. So dh drove her home and said it was cruel.
Mum smokes in house and drinks and I think sd wants what we have but with her mum. We have spoke about having her ft but mum wouldn't have it.

This sounds hard OP.

However, your replies come across as quite defensive and as if you think she should be more grateful for what you do for her. What matters is that she sounds like an unhappy and insecure girl, you might do a lot for her but obviously something else needs to happen to make her feel less like she needs to play up.

From her perspective, it's totally unfair that your kids get a two-parent happy family all the time, in a big house and with nice holidays and things. Even though she's a part of that, she's done nothing wrong but somehow gets a more unstable and fragmented family life. She probably feels jealous of her step siblings and conflicted about feeling jealous because it suggests not being loyal to her mum.

If I were you I'd shower her with as much love as possible, while also getting her some counselling.

Quartz I understand how he comes across I do. He is a great father. He just doesn't do confrontation not even with me. When he has tried its blew up and she was better with words he starts spitting bricks. His kids adore him as he does them he is just a quiet nature.

Houston I do shower her with love. I'm not saying wat I do as in I want her to be grateful it to show I want her and love her unconditionally. If i want to do something on my own with kids when we don't have her I go lift her as I want to not that I feel obliged.

I have never met him or you, the picture I get of him comes from you and its very mixed which means I think your emotions about it are mixed as well

He has to step up here - for his daughter and get some professional involvement for her and for how to deal with her

They are mixed I do want him to work more with her mum and speak up but he can't see the problems as much as me and her mum as she plays up with us more. Mostly good for him so I think he thinks we exaggerating 🙄 he did get get advice what to do couple years ago over few problems and social did visit but they had no worries or concern. It's caused problems for a while and he is afraid to say boo to her. Dsd is really hard work so I can understand why mum needs break but he sees it as she always wants rid of her. If he can only have her one night she goes mad at him yet when we had her 10 days dunno g over summer she cried wanting home and mum told her on phone she has to go away (She didnt) and to stay another couple days see how she feels. She cried that much she was sick and I cried too cos I can't see how a mum could go 10 days without seeing her child let alone listen to her cry missing her and still want her stay longer. Over summer we had her 5 days mum 2. Went longer to see would she cope on holidays and she didn't on 5th day she wanted mummy

After crying wanting home that night the next day she didn't want to go home and stayed 3 more days

will someone please help this girl? Why do you assume it's "just jealousy"? She sounds in agony.

Because despite her behaviour she is happy. She tells us she is jealous. She tells us she jealous my kids were in my belly, they get to call me mummy. This does not mean she wants me as her mummy she loves her mummy more she just afraid she not as important as others. I don't know how to fix it other than reassure her give her our time and love we do and have been. She is very smart and a deep thinker. Aspects really grown up then begs for a bottle when sees baby drinking one. She wants to get the privileges older siblings gets but wants babies like the babies in both houses also.

She isnt happy - her issue is that she has never experienced happy families of her parents together - hers fight and argue and blame each other for spoiling her.

The mixed emotions you have towards your DH is the same mixed emotions she has towards him and her mum.

You need to bring in some professional help

They don't actually argue in 8 years its been twice. She has never seen them argue. I have an older child to a previous relationship and she is pretty grounded and never experienced me and ex together from she was 2. She says she wouldn't wish me and her dad together as she sees dh more like her dad and if anything happened me she would still want to live with dh her stepdad.

So someone else has more of her Dads attention than she does

And how do you work this out quartz? Should he not take a step child on as his own? Should he have stayed single rest of his life? Forced a relationship with her mum ? He gives them all equal love and attention. She adores my older child and vice versa they don't see each other as step siblings but sisters. That was a very unfair assumption.

I fully appreciate that taking her would probably ruin your holiday. But in the longer term not taking her is only going to, in her eyes, confirm that you favour your own children and that she has reason to be jealous. I think you need professional help here to be honest, it sounds very tough for you all.

Yes as an rational adult of course it is. To an 8 year old girl - of course it isnt.

Look what else do you want - its clear you need some professional advice on how to navigate this and get her counselling

We are taking her I spoke to my mum and we going for 7 nights. We do need professional help but how do I get it through to her mum I've said it over and over and her mum agrees but nothing is done. Dh thinks she is an angel and says she been so good this weekend and forgets the previous weeks she was screaming and trying to make herself sick because she didn't have a tablet to watch that went on for 2 hours. That's not normal. If you buy her something and she doesn't like it she wails crying. They were all outside playing and I was watching from window my toddler incase pup scratched him and she was standing in yard for 5 mins looking around her then began screaming in tears saying dog scrabbed her because it did my oldest day before and the dog was opposite side of garden. I ran out and said dog was so far away I was watching whole time she shrugged shoulders walked into house slammed door

She simply wants attention

Does she get 1 to 1 with her Dad?

It’s fairly extreme
It’s unpleasant

But she has a fairly tumultuous life (I have read your other thread about how her mother lives an squalor and how much you despise her) so I’m not surprised she behaves the way she does.

It might just be her personality.

Either way, she’s family and you don’t get to cherry pick

She does get one to one with dad on a Sunday leaving her home and they go for ice cream or park.

Yes I did have real concerns then. Social have been involved twice and dropped both times. Once dh asked for advice over hygiene and behaviour and telling us stories and other time was an incident at school. Since then I've got to know her mum and try to help as much as I can i don't agree with her parenting style but I've grew up and realised I need to try work with her as at the end of the day I love her daughter. Her behaviour could be learnt as she is allowed out in her estate at home to late at night. When she gets her she is restricted and has rules and she can't cope with it and says well my mummy let's me do this or that and huffs or takes a tantrum.

I wonder what she is like at at school or whether she adapts her behaviour to the situation. I could have wrote your post. I have 2 ST and the youngest sounds like yours. I knew her from 2 and she never knew mum and dad together.

She used to demand attention constantly, when she was around 7 she was mean to her younger siblings and to be honest a bit of a brat.
However my other SCwas fine and he was 4 at the time when we met.
My youngest SC would scream, steal and basically just cause problems.
Her mum was soft and gave her whatever she wants. My DH did not know what to do with her or how to handle her.
If it helps she is now 16 and a lovely girl but we toughened up.
We explained that our house was our rules and we did not give in once. She lost privileges and treats big time.
We explained that her mother did things differently and that we ALL got treat the same way in our house.

At first she sulked and refused to come. When she realised she was missing out she changed pretty much overnight. Yes we had a transition period when she comes from her
Mums and we allowed for that. However, we reminded her of the rules and she came good (most of the time)
Myself, her dad and her mum all have a good relationship with her now and I think she knows she is loved by us all.

Same situation as well. We live in a big house in a lovely area and her mum has a really run down house on a bad estate.

Thank you rayn I do believe it's her trying to adjust her behaviour from one house to the other. As i said she is alot worse at home than at ours. But loathes and loves 4 year old at same time. If i patted his head even she will say that's not fair you didn't do that to me. Or resents him if he hurt and I hug him. She gets same treatment when she hurt.

There was a couple of children in my family who acted exactly like this, no therapy was taken as it wasn't really done in those days.

Both women are now categorised as a sociopath.

Her behaviour, the hurting her brother, both when he was in a crib and pushing him over is worrying, I can't believe neither her mother or father are doing anything at all to change her behaviour.

She needs to be in some form of therapy and have someone listen to what's really going on with her. For her to be having certain thoughts about peoples looks and weight and the houses they live in, this is a lot for someone her age.

As her step mother who has actually looked after her as a young child, you are not silent in this, you can speak to her teachers. Perhaps this behaviour is happening at school? Something needs to change.

And I agree with others, if you leave her out of the holiday, the jealousy that she's already voiced and expressed, will only grow. It's not the ideal situation to have her behaving like that, but she's one of your husbands children too, and you wouldn't leave your own behind.

Oh, and I have to say how bloody annoying people are who don't like 'labels' being put on things.

Labels are helpful, if you know what it is, then you can plan on a way to fix it.

Take all of the labels off of your tins at home and then your DH will see how useful a label can be!