Step child holidays

[proudmummywife]

This will be long so a apologise in advance. The last 2 years we took step child on holidays was a complete nightmare. Telling lies about me or dh or my children hurting her, if you walked past her and brushed her arm she would fall to floor screaming in pain does it at home with her mum and siblings also.
Has a real vendetta against 4 year old hurting him nipping him and denying it even tho she was blatantly caught. Kicking sand in his face.
When dh called 4 year old to run into his arms step child was other side and ran out of her way to 4 year old to push him and he slipped up concrete with force getting nasty grazes to legs arms and hands. Step child laughed then when seen the attention 4 year old got being cuddled and us panicking over him she cried out of jealousy. This happened last year. Step child done same this year and when we fussed over him as he was bleeding (knees cut) she huffed. Later that evening at park she let out a scream and said her leg was cut and we all ran over she was hysterical and she didn't have a mark as she didn't even fall it was to get the attention 4 year old got. She screams over old cuts happened weeks ago for attention.
It is really wearing constantly hearing I'm hurt I'm sore, crying randomly. Asked me on last hol was she cute I said you are beautiful then says you don't like me and screamed 🤨 rest of holiday telling me I love my own kids more bearing in mind I am good to her and I do love her I play with her constantly and tell her a love her and show her affection. But if i give any my own children affection she runs to room slams door in jealousy which leaves me having to give less afftlection to children incase I upset her and its not fair. Both holidays have been horrible and because she took all my attention to placate her and keep her happy (never enough) I felt I didn't give my own children enough. My dh felt the same he can't cope with cheeky children and she give it in buckets especially to my parents and the are going next year with us.
Last 2 hilolidays her behaviour was worse on 5th day and said its cos she wanted her mum. Next year's holiday is for 12 days and very far away we can't just take her home. What would you do is it wrong to not take her? I know i sound like an evil step mother but I'm honestly not , her mum always says how much she appreciates me and my help and how much I love her and I do but she is really difficult for me and her mum struggles also. She wont take no for an answer and constantly asks to she gets answer she wants because it works on my. When I say no to her she stands staring at my for at least half hour with an angry face and no matter how many times I ask her to stop its rude she continues and won't answer my and follows me if I try to move from her view.
Apologise about spelling and grammar .
Please no hate we trying our best and we do love her.

he did get get advice what to do couple years ago over few problems and social did visit but they had no worries or concern.

Why did social services come?

And also, you sound very naeve when it comes to children and their feelings, and just in general.

'He's a good father, she tells him all the time'
'She is happy, she says she's just jealous'

What children say and how they feel deep down is very different. had troubles in childhood and would call my mum the best in the world and would always reply with I'm happy.

She's 8, she's not able to articulate why she behaves like this, so why do you take her word for it?

I don't take her word for it and that is why I'm always asking her mum to get her referred to councilling. I know all this her mum agrees but nothing gets done. If i went behind backs it would blow up and we wouldn't get her. Keeping the peace is better and try to resolve it.
I know she has issues this is why I'm the only one trying to do something. Dh doesn't want to believe anything is wrong. I agree she is spoilt at home but not spoilt with attention and time therefore she begs for it in different ways. She gets it in our house but I guess she can't just switch off. She is good at school this year, last year mum was called in several time because of attitude and swinging of teachers and not knowing personal boundaries. Mum only told us after she been to meetings.

Same situation as well. We live in a big house in a lovely area and her mum has a really run down house on a bad estate.

It shouldn’t be like that. Surely he pays significant child maintenance if he can afford a large house in a lovely area?

We do pay a more than fair amount on child maintenance. Unfortunately her mother uses it to spoil her children with 'things'. She is a good mum and loves her children. She just spends her money on her children in the wrong areas.

Rayn its same here pays big amount and spends on toys everyday after school and magazines just for toys and sweets galore. That's different thread. We aren't rich at all just enough to pay bills go on a holiday and live comfortably. We still struggle at times as I'm self employed and earnings are up and down. Whatever dsd asks for or stomps feet for mum gets as its an easier life

The poor child. If you DH is half a good a father as you say he is he will help her

She clearly has self esteem issues that she masks with the over confidence/anger. It sounds very difficult but nonetheless I think if she wants to go, then it is the right thing to take her. She needs to know she is as important to her father as his other children. She already doubts this and being excluded from a family holiday would make it worse.

Have you tried giving her one on one time with you/her father whilst on holiday. Like half an hour each a day or every few days. You could do it for all the children. Just to give her that time to feel special.

We give her one on one time with me or dh or both together. She behaves worse okay home and lashes out at younger siblings there too. Can jealousy just be in a child's personality? She doesn't cope if a cousin get anything even if she already has it.

We are taking her on holidays. I don't think deep down we ever would have went without. Feel bad it even crossed my mind. Regardless how hard bit is for her its still draining the winging the crying she hurt when she not its every 5 mins, saying someone hurt her to get them in trouble. Asking can she have something and saying why over and over hoping you give in commenting on strangers appearances and other children's. It's hard work but I am trying

And why were social services involved? Again, no real answer.

If she is living in real squalor and being left out on an estate until late at night on her own, then tell your husband to advocate for his daughter and file for full time custody.

If it was that concerning, why not tell SS when they came and tell them you believe she would benefit from counselling?

Dh told ss all this the went to house and kept case open for couple weeks and Told him there were no concerns things seem fine. Then months later her mum rang dh told him they were out at house over what a wee boy said she done at school from her estate and they closed case again. I wont disclose it on here as it is outting

What did she do to the boy at school?
Similar behaviours or were they in a different range?

We told them all concerns and she be better with us. Told us we all have diff standards and last thing they do is take off mother she would get support if needed to keep child home with mum.

This sounds like a very sad, confused young child who doesn't know where she stands, what the expectations are, if people like her or not. She sounds like she is seeking attention and affection from whoever will give it. Does her dad spent 1:1 time with her? Do you have children together? From what you described you and her DH live a financially privileged life whereas she doesn't with her mum. If I was 8 and saw my dad living in a 4 (or 5- can't remember) bed detached house whilst I live in a council house then I'd probably feel like the very poor and disadvantaged relative. I would recommend changing the narrative about this child, treating her with kindness- through words and actions, and focusing on all the good things she does instead of focusing on the negatives

What happened with the boy in school that would lead to SS involvement?

Was it a different form of behaviour?

I'm a bit confused about you're dh because you give mixed msgs about him, but either way sounds like he needs to open his eyes up. Could you not video record her behaviour on your phone and play it back to him? show him exactly what you have to put up with on account of him not having the balls to say to her mum that their daughter's behaviour has gone on too much and something needs to change? because to be honest after trying everything you have I would probably explode and tell dh either you deal with her behaviour or she doesn't come to the house anymore (harsh maybe) because she not only has tantrums like that but the fact that she is quite clearly extremely jealous especially towards your youngest that it seems like he's becoming seriously at risk from her. I wouldn't dismiss the recording her behaviour idea it might help get her a faster referral if professionals see that kind of behaviour does she behave like this at school?

She doesn't hurt him anymore. Just lies that he hurt her cried last week while lying on floor said he stomped on her but we could see he wasn't near her and she was shouting at him it hurt and we kept saying he didn't and he cried saying he didn't and she kept arguing with tears he did, dh burst and said stop telling lies I could see it all and she said well he nearly did and it scared me.
The behaviour worse at home. We can go weeks she good but when we have her longer than 2 nights she can't seem to control behaviour much longer than that.
She can control it at school and when dh home he has only seen it few times. She doesn't do the attitude as much either just just stares at me for long period of time from a door way if i say no to anything.

If you leave Herat home it'll make things worse. She's already an unhappy insecure little girl who thinks she's not as loved as you r other children. This will only reinforce the idea

We are taking her we going to book shorter holiday. She insecure at home too. She is loved very much by us all and treated equally its her wee head she feels like she has to be 1st or number one

It’s strange
You’re saying all the right things in terms of how much you love her etc etc

But I can’t shake this feeling that you really do not like this child

This sounds horrendous, OP. Her mother really needs to take a stand with her and get her some help.

Meanwhile don't take her on holiday, she'll ruin it for everyone else. And tell her why. Get DH to take her away on her own for the weekend.

You cant let her run your family life.

Meanwhile don't take her on holiday, she'll ruin it for everyone else. And tell her why.

Is this what you’d do with your biological child?

I think not

Is this what you’d do with your biological child?

What a remarkably stupid thing to say.

My biological child would not have been allowed to get away with such dreadful behaviour for so long. So it wouldn't be necessary. In this case it is. The child is a nightmare and has got away with it for too long.

I don't like the child?? I love her as my my that is why I'm so emotionly invested and want her all the time with or without dh being home!!! How dare you jump to that!!

If you loved her as your own you wouldn't be considering cutting her out of your family holiday