DH has left

[essexmum2019]

Minor row on Sunday but he's obviously been harbouring I'll feeling for a while as he's upped and left (back to his mother FFS).

We have two kids- 11 and 1. A nice home, no money worries, no obvious issues except the stresses that come with a toddler and two full time working parents.

He's said there's no fixing it and he doesn't love me (to me) so I've put on a brave face and told 11 year old who is devastated. She phoned him to say good night and asked if he's ever coming home and he said "I'm thinking" FFS what does that even mean- he's not thinking at all! So now she has a glimmer of hope he'll come back

I feel shit- I haven't eaten for three days, I'm not sleeping and I've cried enough tears to fill a bath. I'm heartbroken- we've been married 9 years but together much longer- since I was 18 so I don't even know how to be alone

My friends and mum have been amazing but I miss him so so much.

I'm sorry to hear this. What a shock. I think that it's very poor that he hasn't given you a proper explanation or the opportunity to work on things together.

So sorry this has happened for you @essexmum2019.
I'm afraid I'm not really in the position to give advice but I'm sure someone will soon. I do feel for you though. Having your heart broken by someone you trust,& so out of the blue is so much more painful than I ever imagined, so I really empathise.
Hang in there.

I am truly sorry & I have been there. Try to eat & carry on for DC
Its so bloody hard.

Lets hope the 'Im thinking' Isnt a cover for 'Will it work out with OW'

There's definitely no OW- he's just gone to his mums and holed up since Sunday (aside from work but definitely no women there!). He's just genuinely totally unhappy ☹️

I hope there's no OW, but there usually is....🙁

I lived off Complan shakes and 1 banana a day when mine left. I forced myself to eat in order to function for the kids. I lost so much weight and never slept. Try and eat something small each day? The anxiety was terrible too. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. You're not alone, the boards are full of left OP's.

It's so hard. I have to go to work tomorrow- I've got to be up in 4 hours and I haven't slept a wink. I know all the things I should thinking but I'm so consumed by the grief I don't believe them.

It's been 4 nights now, each one is getting harder as I realise he's really not coming back

He was so hateful toward me the other day that if there was an OW he'd have told me out of spite

Men very rarely leave without having an OW lined up, you really need to do some investigating. Also they are rarely forth coming with this information, and prefer to place all the blame on you. You should read the script op, because it sounds like your dh is following it.

What a horrible way to do things. Hope you are getting some sleep. Is there anyway you could take a few days off?

No sleep, can't take time off easily but also the distraction for 8 hours a day is welcome.

I have done as much investigating as I can re: OW- no signs. I have his social media passwords and on the iPhone tracking- he's either been at work (mostly blokes) or at his mums.

I'm really cross at my MiL for making this so easy for him- I can't help but think he'd be more inclined to get through a tough time if he didn't have a free bed and breakfast to go to.

He's said he'll take the kids Saturday night and Sunday morning; at least he's not being a shit with them even if he's turning their lives upside down in every other way

What about MIL has she spoken to you? Well done for going to work. You are right in that it will take your mind off things.

My mum has always said to me "you can't make somebody love you" and as much as I hated it I knew she was right. You just genuinely can't, don't screw yourself up wondering what you did so terribly wrong, the answer is nothing!

You're already coping brilliantly. I think he's a shit to spring this on you but it might turn out to be better for you in the long run. If he does want to come back don't make it too easy for him, I know being alone is hard but you deserve far more emotional and practical stability. I'm really sorry this is happening to you

There's another woman, I'm sorry to say. Men just don't fuck off like this otherwise. He is using the script.

I’m so sorry. I think the hatred may stem from not wanting to be dissuaded from leaving. Love and hate are actually incredibly close. Please do try not to take whatever he said to heart. He most likely did it to protect himself rather than to hurt you. Not that this excuses his behaviour.

Get some counselling, hopefully that can sort your head a bit. Try to distract yourself with tv and see if you can stop thinking about it. There may not be another woman, there is no point trying to find out if there is. Focus on accepting the situation, and planning your future with your lovely kids. Pack up his stuff and tell him to come and get it. Apply for child support, and work out times for him to have the kids. You will be ok.

According to relate the most 4 common reasons couples fight after the arrival of a baby are;

Lack of sleep
Sex
Money
Parenting (doing your share)

Refer the following link:

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/new-parents/top-4-reasons-couples-argue-after-having-baby

The OP has ruled out Money. So that leaves the other three reasons.

Are there any grandparents close by to look after the baby to enable the Parents to have a little time together? Even a few hours on a weekend can make a difference.

OP has satisfied herself that there is no OW. So I would ignore all the cynics who have claimed there is another OW and suggested that is main reason why Husbands do a runner.

@MissedTheBoatAgain it could be any of those three - it's been a tough first year BUT I would work on them if I could- he's past that point without letting me know when he got there. Baby up now so I'm functioning on 2 hours sleep today

To OP

Sunday is only four days ago so hopefully just a short term panic attack and he will be back soon. If not then maybe the post by Snitzelvoncrumb is the best way forward.

💐 hugs

Missed is right, distractions can be very helpful. Tv can be great at times like this, I know you need real life support but sometimes filling your headspace with something different helps. Either way it's a rubbish time. Try to just live one day at a time, it's hard to do with so much to think about but you really need to be as kind to yourself as you can .

There is a big age gap between your first child and second. Was the second child planned? Did he change after your second was born?

big big hugs.

Do you have support OP locally? Your family, close friends. would be good to ask for someone to come round xx

I have loads of support- I'm lucky to have friends and family who would drop everything to be here in 5 if I needed them.

1st child not planned but second very much planned and wanted- things have been challenging this year- we had a massive building project at home, I went back to work in a promoted position and I've been very concentrated on both kids (eldest mostly education related, youngest because she's a baby!). I don't doubt he's unhappy- it's just the lack of wanting to fix it that I'm finding so difficult.

Eldest thinks he might come back after his "thinking" comment- he won't and it'll be me that breaks it, again

There isn't ALWAYS another woman. Always one that has to get in on here and say it first. I've had two relationships end where no other women was involved. Pretty sure my exes are not the only ones. Ffs

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You may need a day off work to sleep as at the moment you are probably running on shock and adrenaline.

Things always seem far bleaker in the early hours. You will manage, you will.

Confide in friends, let them support you in any way they can. Xx

Wow can't believe the number of people who say there has to be another woman, there doesn't. My friend left his wife because they found living together too difficult.

You need to take care of yourself. Do one nice thing for yourself daily.