DH has left

[essexmum2019]

Minor row on Sunday but he's obviously been harbouring I'll feeling for a while as he's upped and left (back to his mother FFS).

We have two kids- 11 and 1. A nice home, no money worries, no obvious issues except the stresses that come with a toddler and two full time working parents.

He's said there's no fixing it and he doesn't love me (to me) so I've put on a brave face and told 11 year old who is devastated. She phoned him to say good night and asked if he's ever coming home and he said "I'm thinking" FFS what does that even mean- he's not thinking at all! So now she has a glimmer of hope he'll come back

I feel shit- I haven't eaten for three days, I'm not sleeping and I've cried enough tears to fill a bath. I'm heartbroken- we've been married 9 years but together much longer- since I was 18 so I don't even know how to be alone

My friends and mum have been amazing but I miss him so so much.

Would he go to counseling? Having a baby and doing renovations is very high on the stress meter.
Maybe he is feeling Ike he has been left out?

So sorry. I too have had 2 relationships end where there didn't appear to be an OW but they seemed to be with someone new VERY quickly. The second had moved in with her and her son in 6 weeks.

The separation/divorce diet is the easiest diet I've ever done - the weight dropped off me and I too survived on very little sleep. I really feel for you OP.

It does get better honestly. Lean on your friends and try to eat what you fancy. If it's any consolation they often regret leaving but often it's too late as you will have lost all faith and trust in them and will have started to move on with your own life.

For God's sake why do they do this. Mine left two years ago, I had no inkling he was unhappy he just upped and left with no warning at all. Why are men so pathologically unable to talk about their feelings? They are so bloody hopeless.
Feeling big feelings for you it must be awful

Still early days.
Sounds like you've both been under a lot of pressure.
Sadly having kids can put dh at the end of the list.
You need to make time for each other.
It the little things.
Try and stay calm.
Let the dust settle and being open to talking when the time comes.
All marriages have troubles at some point. Many survive, better and stronger.

madcatlady I agree inability to talk about feelings is a huge part if it. My last ex would probably be still plodding along if I hadn't brought up the fact he didn't seem happy.

I think we can miss the obvious signs: lack of time together, fun, sex. We can put it down to tiredness, being in a rut, stress, new baby....

I'd imagine very few walk out on a family on a whim. I wouldn't. Sometimes the last argument is the final straw in what has been an ongoing personal struggle.

It can be so hard in the initial aftermath imagine things ever being ok, but so many threads on here show people do recover in time. I am a big believer in counselling after a split. It's important to build yourself up and be in a good place to embrace the changes, even if it's the last thing we want.

He can fuck off then. What a prick to just waltz out. He shouldnt expect to juat wall back in to open arms. You need ro reevaluate your relationship even if he wants to rekindle it OP.

I know you are upset OP, sorry, but I am really bloody cross on your behalf.

I think you should manage communicationa between him and 11 yr old so he doesnt say abything misleading or upsetting (until you know whats happening).

If it isn't the obvious (i.e.other woman), then it's very likely a mid life crisis manifesting in his 'flight', response back to his Mum's.
By behaving nastily towards you he's projecting, blaming, not dealing with emotions he can't articulate and doesn't understand. That's not an excuse....its just an interpretation which may help you to process all this upset.
My advice would be to 'fake it until you make it'. Adopt a breezy, confident, sophisticated approach.
Send out strong signals that you are not to be messed with, that you are fully capable of weathering this storm and that you don't deserve to be treated with such despicable contempt. Indeed, anyone who does is and can never be a part of your life because you have standards, boundaries and high not low expectations.
You need to be a role model for your child OP.
She will be watching carefully over the coming weeks and months as to how you handle this difficult situation.
And learning life lessons from it.

Why do people who don't know the op or her husband insist there is always another woman? It's almost irrelevant here anyway. Op is dealing with the shock of her relationship ending. How about having some compassion for that rather than trying to make her feel even worse?

Op, if you've had no sleep at all I really would consider taking the day off work. I would also get an emergency GP appointment and ask for a short course (2 or 3 weeks) of diazepam or zopiclone. Can you start to imagine a better life without him somewhere down the line? I'm so sorry for the terrible hurt he's causing you .

I am going to be a bit harsh here OP and apologise as I am not a sugar coater.

Get some self respect, you have two children to worry about, so stop worrying about a man who obviously has no respect for you or your children.

Get sorted for Xmas, enjoy Xmas with those who love and care for you and then decide what you want to do.

But for god sake do not sit there pining for a man who is no doubt planning his future without you.

Who knows his real reasons for leaving, no doubt you will find out in about 2 months time.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself because the only one who is going to feel sorry for themselves will be him when he realises what he has left.

Docusdiplo is spot on - why should he waltz back in IF he chooses to do so. He’s not given you a chance of sorting this has he. No communication - your not a f in mind reader are you.
There just may be some woman at work who’s turned his head.
Look up The Grey rock technique. Try and not cry in front of him.
It’s a very tough time and he’s been absolutely heartless and selfish too.

Do you really want to live with a man who not only doesn't love you, he doesn't like you and has zero respect for you?
That's harsh I know but those are the facts OP.
Yet another pathetic male swanning off, makes me wonder how they can live with themselves, tearing a family's lives apart.

Listen he can walk away from a relationship if he's unhappy, everyone is entitled to do that. But he cannot walk away from his children.
Take the baby round to you MIL tonight, explain that you've done 4 days of childcare, it's his turn to do 4 days now and go home and get some sleep.
Also explain that your 11yr old will be available after school, needs help with her homework, her dinner making and her uniform washing and ironing.
He can leave you, but he can't leave his responsibilities for them all on your shoulders.
Act as if it's over now and he needs to take over 50% of the child-rearing as he's a parent and he doesn't get to walk away from that ever.

@Essexmum2019. Sorry this is happening to you. My H left in July after 23 years ,married most of them, 2 older DC. We had a perfect life on the surface but there was unhappiness in the marriage. Even so, the pain and fear were indescribable and I truly thought i would die from the pain. He was the least likely to have an OW but he did....although it was "only" EA until he left. Not saying your H does too, but prepare yourself mentally for someone coming out the woodwork to "rescue" him from his grief.

How I got through...got finances sorted, changed passwords on everything so I had control, lived off smoothies as couldn't eat (I'd been trying to lose 2 stone for a decade and it fell off so every cloud - I'm now fighting to not put it back on!), leant on friends, saw a solicitor and researched online 're my rights etc, got the house valued, went to the gym and got sleeping tablets from the doc (they didn't really work- a swig of original Benylin actually gets me a sleep but is addictive so Iimit to 2 nights a week but it helps me psychologically to know I'll sleep those nights). Reach out to people you trust, vent to them, get things off your chest.

What NOT to do.....the pick me dance. He will be in a state of flux too....deep down he knows he's done wrong by you and the kids so the only way for his brain to cope is to "hate" you. Google cognitive dissonance - he has to paint you as the bad one to validate his shitty behaviour. So in his head, you are awful and any attempts to try and get him back will only make him reject you more. But it's him - not you.

Be strong and firm with him. No emotional chat - business like about everything. At some point he will make it about him.....How hard it is for him, how he is devasted too, feels awful etc....do not offer comfort or respond to these woe is me statements. Remember...he chose to throw a grenade at his family rather than do the graft to work things out.

The anger will come....which is hard but good as it makes you stronger. It was actually good for me when OW was exposed- I knew there had to be one despite his denials so it was the final nail.in the coffin for me.

I am now so.much better and proof you can get through this. Sorry this is so long.....just want you to know there are so many of us here to offer support so you are not alone.

Thank you for your kind, and honest, words. I have got into work and to my desk with no tears.

Small wins @essexmum. I remember the first day I got through without crying - it was a milestone.....hope you get there soon. Last Sunday was the first day since he left That he/us wasn't the first thing i thought of - it felt great!

What @saltandvinegarcrisps1 says. You can do this, you are better than him and you need to be strong.

Excellent post from salt. I 100% agree about not allowing him to assume you'll just cover all the parenting. Make it v v clear that he has 50% to do. I was in such shock when my ex left (for ow) that when he announced he was changing jobs and moving away it didn't occur to me to ask how he planned to do the school run 3 times a week from 90 miles away. Another pp said about him hating you to deflect guilt.. This is also true. Several years on my ex still has huge hostility toward me and refuses to acknowledge the burden he has placed on me. I only ever get criticised for anything that isn't 100% right. Do not fall. Into that. Soon the shock will fade and anger will come. Use it and get lots of RL support. Even if there isn't an ow, it is not okay for him to leave without discussion, effort. Yes he's allowed to end a relationship if he's unhappy but he's not allowed to wait til it's all sorted in his head and leave the family out if the blue.THAT makes him. An irresponsible, selfish shit.

Work will be a good distraction.
And for now the adrenalin will keep you going.
Please remember though, that you will have a massive crash.
And it does get far worse before it gets better.
For now though keep your sugar levels up and keep yourself hydrated.
Sugary tea or coffee. Ice-lollies. Soups.

It's great that you have some good RL support.
You'll get through this.
It's a long road though!

I am so sorry you are going through this but I really think you should be very careful what you say to your daughter - he only left on Sunday.

My advice would be to tell him to fuck off and start making plans to live your life as a single parent - if someone tells you they are not in love with you and then moves out so quickly listen to what they are saying. It hurts like hell but you need to stand up and put on a brave face.

You can do it, just takes time.

good luck

I know this is technically stealing but......I got the nectar card transferred to my name and only I can use the points. But his card is still connected so every time he shops in Sainsbury's, his points go to me! He saves them up every year for Xmas so he's going to get a shock when he tries to spend them. I know he's buying OW nice wine and fancy expensive dinners and filling up on petrol to drive to her house, so it pleases me that I will be funding part of my Xmas from his spending on her cos he's such a tight arse with me and the DC. (Although I found out recently that they are not giving nectar points on alcohol any more ).

I think it's easier to say what you should be doing than to do it when you are so hurt.
But I'd join the consensus and say draw some boundaries.
He should have the children for a few nights so you can rest and recharge so either hand the children over tonight or message him about a contact schedule.
Start planning for Christmas. When will he see the kids, where will you spend the day (try to have people around who can be cheerful for the children when you can't )
Decide your parameters for taking him back if he decides to try again.
Plan plan plan then cry until your tears run dry.
Good luck

I was stupid and weak last night and sent him photos that I regretted almost immediately. He responded positively (of course) but I know that's just his penis talking not his heart.

I have plans for my weekend 'off' so planning on leaving my phone at home for most of it so I don't do anymore stupid things.

Never mind OP, be like a cat falling off a ledge, just get up and pretend it never happened. Stay busy at the weekend. Be with other people if possible who will understand and stop you contacting him.

We all have stupid and weak moments at a time like this.
It's done.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
Good plan to leave your phone at home.
Try to have a weekend doing nice things for you!
Treat yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Just try and stay calm.
As for the photos- men are different to women
My Dh feels very 'loved' if I send photos. (No identifiable shots though)
It not the same for women
But what I'm trying to say is
This sounds more like a bump in the road than a break up.
Sex cannot hold a marriage together but can help through the tough times.
So get your best face on
Know that everything is going to be ok.
Be the woman he fell in love with.