DH has left

[essexmum2019]

Minor row on Sunday but he's obviously been harbouring I'll feeling for a while as he's upped and left (back to his mother FFS).

We have two kids- 11 and 1. A nice home, no money worries, no obvious issues except the stresses that come with a toddler and two full time working parents.

He's said there's no fixing it and he doesn't love me (to me) so I've put on a brave face and told 11 year old who is devastated. She phoned him to say good night and asked if he's ever coming home and he said "I'm thinking" FFS what does that even mean- he's not thinking at all! So now she has a glimmer of hope he'll come back

I feel shit- I haven't eaten for three days, I'm not sleeping and I've cried enough tears to fill a bath. I'm heartbroken- we've been married 9 years but together much longer- since I was 18 so I don't even know how to be alone

My friends and mum have been amazing but I miss him so so much.

He ended up dropping them back at half 6 because they were 'tired'. Social media tell me he went out drinking with his mates (the ones who don't like me of course) last night. He's due to pick them back up at half 7 this morning.

I'm struggling a little less this morning but I still have a constant knot in my stomach. I am forcing myself to eat little and often for the sake of being able to keep functioning. I'm maxing 4 hours sleep a night.

I have a rule of no crying between 7am and 7pm; anything outside of those times is fair game but least the kids don't see me as a mess.

Essex hope you are okay this morning. You are doing great looking after the children. Husband needs to be reminded about his responsibilities to his children , seems to have time to go out boozing.

(which has stayed tidy!)
This is the thing I love most about being single.
After 2 years of a lovely tidy clean house, I'm not sure I could ever live anyone again.
I love my space.
You'll get to love it too.
Shake it up a bit.
I changed the colour of my bedroom to something much more girlie and I love it now.
I didn't paint.
Just pics, accessories and bedding.

I do hope he came round as planned on Sunday morning but I have a feeling he's going to be out and about and the kids will come 2nd from now on.

6 weeks on and I'm really struggling.

He actually came home for a few weeks over Xmas and things seemed great- he was trying to get me to book a holiday, told me he loved me, things seemed back to 'normal'.

Then, early last week we had a tiff about something minor (him being attached to his PS4 when I wanted to watch something on telly) and that's it- he told me it's not going to work and he's off. Back to square one only it feels worse because I was already a bit broken to start with.

DD's are coping well though which is helpful. Am struggling to work out his financial obligations to me- can calculator says £85 a week for both which doesn't even cover half of DD2's nursery bill. I will struggle to pay childcare, mortgage and bills alone if he only has to pay £85 but selling not an option- I wouldn't be able to rent or buy anywhere suitable cheaper.

So sorry he's messed you around like this. But to be honest, if he's going to flounce off in a huff every time he doesn't get his own way, you are better off without (even if it doesn't feel like it right now).

Things WILL get better, I promise. What calculator is telling you he only pays £85 a week for both? If this doesn't cover childcare it doesn't make sense. Surely that should be factored in too?

Can you tell friends/family that you're struggling? It might also be worth looking into some counselling to help you move on.

Thanks. I'm pretty sure there's an OW although I suspect through an online forum/social media as opposed to physical in RL.

Actually, I don't care so much about that- i just want him to tell the truth.

How awful @essexmum2019

Can you get to a CAB office? Or phone them?

I'm sorry this is happening. You will have to write him off as otherwise he will happily spend the next few months or even years in and out of your life, playing you and the OW off against each other and using the threat of leaving to make you obey his every whim. Get some good legal advice and keep all your communications with him brisk and businesslike. It will start to feel better soon.

Don't let him back home now under any circumstances as he's just messing you and your DC around. What a selfish, immature man.

Don't forget that you may be entitled to other benefits as well as maintenance so it's worth using some of the online calculators.

Definitely not coming back!

I'm the higher earner so I've suggested he pay £100 pw maintenance- minimum is £85 and 30% contribution to the mortgage and he'll either get 30% of the equity when I sell or buy him out- won't be for a couple of years though.

He knows his stuff has got to be gone by end of the month (including motorbikes and bikes in the shed- it's not his home anymore) so I'm waiting for him to come grovelling rather than take it!

Well done for taking control.

Get some good advice on money. Maybe pop over to the divorce board. They are pretty hard nosed on the subject but will give you some good pointers. This board will be more emotionally supportive. However the money does need to get sorted and you might be surprised in his change of attitude when you make your suggestion. He will have gotten advice, good and bad.

Maybe start the CMS process off now so your stake is in the ground. It is a bird in the hand.

Well done @essexmum2019

What a star !

I don't feel like a star. I haven't slept at all- I'm now just waiting for the kids to wake up.

I feel like a prize idiot that he fooled me twice.

You are NOT an idiot. You're a human being who gave someone a chance. At least you can look back now in the future and know for sure you did what you could to try and make it work with this immature prick.

But you are a star. Because you have finally 'got it'. You've seen him for who he is and you've decided to take action.

So many people never do this in their lives. Not just over romance/relationships, but generally.

So many people keep on doing the same thing and making the same choices , every day, and expecting a different outcome.

But you're making changes and moving forward

Don't diss yourself! I think you're amazing

I think sometimes you need that last ditch attempt to accept that it's over, if he can walk away again over something so trivial it never stood a chance, at least you know that now. That feeling that you're a fool because you gave him another chance will harden into icy determination not to let him do it ever again, anger can be really useful sometimes 😏

They sometimes wait for examples/situations to arise and then they have their excuse to leave... 'look what you made me do!'

If you hadn't given him that chance you would have blamed yourself. Now you know it's nothing you did, he's a lazy, selfish cheat. Now try to find your anger

If by any chance that child maintenance calculator is right you possibly have the option of guilting him into paying more via mentioning his pittance contribution to his mother?

You gave him a chance. He flounced off again on the slightest pretext - to keep you in line.

No. More. Chances.

So he’s shown his true colours. Giant man child who gets everything done for him at his mothers house and gets to play his PlayStation constantly. Not really a grown up. Then when you challenge him, he flounces out. He’s used to women pandering to him and getting his own way all the time. What an entitled jerk. Time to put it to bed and move on. You deserve better than this idiot. Go see a solicitor ASAP about your rights and the finances. If the mortgage is high how about moving/downsizing? All you need to think about now is you and what works best for you

Oh and anytime you feel like you want him back just remember that he left his family because of the PlayStation. Pathetic excuse for a man

I don't want him back I want the idea of a husband and 2 parent family. I have reminded myself today that he doesn't make a perfect husband or dad so it's just a fantasy.

I looked at his social media earlier- lots of comments to/from random women in all parts of the UK saying "gorgeous darling" etc- totally not him in real life so I almost hope he does meet them!

Going to walk up the chemist in a bit for some Nytol for bedtime- I'm dog tired which is making things harder and I'm going to work tomorrow so I can't have another pity party!

When will I start sleeping through the night again?!

Well, I've been asked out for a drink. The kids next contact weekend is 26th... there's no harm in saying yes is there!?