DH has left

[essexmum2019]

Minor row on Sunday but he's obviously been harbouring I'll feeling for a while as he's upped and left (back to his mother FFS).

We have two kids- 11 and 1. A nice home, no money worries, no obvious issues except the stresses that come with a toddler and two full time working parents.

He's said there's no fixing it and he doesn't love me (to me) so I've put on a brave face and told 11 year old who is devastated. She phoned him to say good night and asked if he's ever coming home and he said "I'm thinking" FFS what does that even mean- he's not thinking at all! So now she has a glimmer of hope he'll come back

I feel shit- I haven't eaten for three days, I'm not sleeping and I've cried enough tears to fill a bath. I'm heartbroken- we've been married 9 years but together much longer- since I was 18 so I don't even know how to be alone

My friends and mum have been amazing but I miss him so so much.

@robin2323- Be the woman he fell in love with.

Victim blaming much? OP this is a version of the pick me dance......be yourself and love yourself.

It's not a bump in the road- he's been very clear that any feelings he has for me is not enough to make him want to build our relationship back up again.

I'm back to being angry today that he doesn't even have the decency to try and work things out for the sake of his kids and marriage but that his own feelings trump everyone else's because it's easier to run back to mum than face up to a grown up relationships

Why is it victim blaming ?
No one is perfect.
When I left my first husband I admit I wanted to go out all the time and he wanted to stay in.
This was a big bump in the road.
In the end no one compromised so we split up.
There is 2 sides to every story.
And every sides loses in divorce. There are no winners.

I know people change and grow but if my husband had been the man I fell in love with
I would of stayed.
He was 9 years older than me and just reached the slippers and pipe but early than me.
I don't ' blame ' him it was just how it was.
So I left.

I wouldn't be doing any begging or pleading.

I'd be asking when he's filing for divorce.

@robin2323 it's victim blaming because you are making out that OP has changed in a negative way and is therefore the cause of her H leaving. Part of the contract and commitment of marriage is working together when things change or the going gets tough....telling OP to be the woman he fell in love with suggests she has no right to grow....plus it's completey pointless as she now has 2 DC so her "changing" is inevitable.

@robin2323 OP met her DH when she was a teenager. She’s now a mum of two in her 30s. How on Earth is she supposed to go back to being “the woman he fell in love with”? Put the kids up for adoption, resign from her job, put a school uniform on and start drinking alcopops in the park?

Although her DH has moved back in with his mum so maybe you are onto something...

@sashkin.....exactly

If you cant eat, drink. Theres soy milk in juice boxes to provide calories. I had same feelings after a breakup years ago, lost lots of weight. Drink smoothies coconut water energy shakes whatever it takes to keep going

So sorry op, it's awful when it's out the blue. Take care of yourself and get support as it causes a lot of shock and you'll have a lot adrenaline coursing around. If he's suddenly being nasty I would worry if there was someone else, anyone he used to mention a lot at work? That's what happened with me, totally out the blue. Either way, take care of yourself and kids first.xx

I’m so sorry OP but also have to echo other posters who say be prepared for an OW to come to light. My STBEXH did exactly this, strung me along all summer then when he did leave OW was the scene within 4weeks (and obviyhad been for some time) Yes also to the weight thing, I am down over a stone without even thinking about it. The Adrenalin and stress is just awful. Stay strong, take 1 day at a time and be kind to yourself

I was just trying to help op.
The first year of your baby's life is really hard on you.
I was sleep deprived , snappy . Moody and demanding.

Chuck in full time work and building work and I would have been suicidal.
That is not who I am now or was before the birth.
I am sure op wasn't like me but it puts a lot of pressure on patents. They end up going through the motions and having little time for each other.
And yes in an ideal world , the father should step up and talk to the partner about any worries and issues, but men do not find it as easy to talk as women. They end up bottling it all up till they can't take anymore or see a way out.
And also men have said they no longer love their wife and then realised they actually do.
Women do this to.
But it is still such early days for the op.

Yeah the advice from @FVFrog is good about taking one day at a time, someone posted on here to even take one hour at a time when you feel awful. Don't think far ahead, just think about the next thing; dinner, tv, a long walk. That really helped me as I felt so bloody overwhelmed.

@robin2323 we are all trying to help but you are basically excusing men for being shit partners and blaming women for adapting to changing life circumstances. Yes, some women walk out on their families but this is very rare and no one says ...she left because she couldn't share her emotions.....they say she was a selfish cow who abandoned her family in their time of need. OPs H is doing exactly that.

NO I am not.
If there is the slightest chance this couple can be reconciled then I don't think calling him a Shit partner is ever going to help them.
Obviously his behaviour is shit.
But blaming never solved anything.
There are two children involved.
This woman is in peaces.
Criticising my point of view because it's different helps no one.
I think different points of view 'may' help op to see things in a way she may never have thought of.
Yours, mines and others.

There definitely isn't ALWAYS another woman. Some men are just selfish cunts all by themselves.

You can do this essex. You really can. Mine left 7 weeks after I'd had baby number 4 (that he'd pestered me for). The baby weight dropped off me in about a week. He definitely expected me to cry and beg. I did the opposite. 2.5 years on I'm still so proud of the way I handled things. Oh, and I'm now remarried to a decent man!

@Robin2323 I’m not sure that telling the OP she must have let herself go since she had her baby and no wonder he’s left her, is going to do a whole lot for her self esteem.

I’m sure he’s changed too over the past 15+ years, why is it all on the OP to get her body back, plaster on a smile, pretend she isn’t tired and get a babysitter booked? What is he doing on his side? Nothing, he’s just walked out.

And OP’s DH hasn’t even said that the reason he’s left her is that she’s let herself go since their children were born! That’s all come from you! He’s said he isn’t happy and doesn’t want to try to make it work, not that he’d have her back if only she looked 18 again.

Can you really not see how fucked up your advice is? Women, it’s your own fault if your husband walks out on you and your infant children, you probably had messy hair or were naggy or something.

Where did I say he left because she let her self go?!????!
Where did I say anything about
Her pre baby body ????
No where.
Because it never occurred to me.

And don't swear.
Thank you.

Please don't fight - different views is why I posted.

Nights are the worst- going to bed on my own sucks. I just want him to come home but every night he's gone it becomes more and more unlikely 😥 in my 'lucid' moments I realise he's not coming back and I cry, in my 'mental moments' I'm hopefully deluded and able to function a bit better- it's lose lose

Your comments speak for themselves Robin.

And if I want to swear then I will swear, thank you.

Sorry Essexmum, hadn’t hit refresh for a while.

My comments don't speak for themselves
You can't just interrupt them into something I never said!!!
I didn't mention pre baby figure or let your self go.
You just made that up.
(Sorry op. )
Men don't leave for that.
I have a friend / know people , lovely / beautiful people who husbands / partners have acted in this way.
And come home and had stronger, better marriages to boot.
If I can say just one thing , that may just help op through this I will.
Let's just agree to differ

But please don't put words in my mouth.
I sat what I mean and mean what I say.

He picked kids up at 11.30, dropping them back at 7 because his mum has said they can't stay over this weekend (other guests/no space). Going to ask him to pick them up at 7am tomorrow.

I've had an OK day, caught up on crap telly, tidied the house (which has stayed tidy!) and been for a coffee with a friend.

That sounds good Essexmum. One day at a time!

My DM was widowed when DBro and I were both primary aged, and she has said since that she often didn’t feel like she could carry on. But she didn’t have much option but to carry on, and it gradually got easier. In six months’ time things will feel very different, it is just a case of putting one foot in front of the other until then xx