Another handhold needed

[Whatdyknow]

STBX has been openly having an affair for 4 months since caught out on WhatsApp. Has told me of his feelings for ow and throughout the whole thing says he needs to leave to get his head straight but has only ever left for a night. Also throughout had continued to tell me he loves me and misses the us we had for over 20yrs.
In between this he accused me of spoiling his relationship with our son (teenager) - I put that down more to him not coming home as early or often as he used to and being generally preoccupied. Plus I have been trying to support son by doing lots with him and accepting his need to be a bit more clingy.
Now need a handhold please to believe that it's best to end this. I've tried to say we could get help to make it work or at least try but he's now said he couldn't run the risk of losing ow. Why am I finding this so hard. It's awful when he's home and I don't know which person he's going to be but I miss him so much when he's not here.
I feel so much more desperate than I ever thought possible for someone who's quite happy to play me along and blame me for everything when it suits him.

Consider your hand held.

It's hard because sometimes bonds formed with someone who's abusing you can be even stronger than those you have with someone who is kind. It's called trauma bonding. I'm so sorry.

I promise you you can do this though. You aren't going to feel like this forever.

Do you own your home together?
Have you had legal advice?

Thanks for the hand @oiiiiiii
We're not married so I know my rights are limited. Have had legal advice but not really acted on it yet. Think I've been blindly hoping he'll wake up but I know I'm kidding myself& also that I shouldn't really hope for the normality of someone who's treating me like this.
Interesting that you use the abuse word. I just thought I was coping with my partner having an affair until Dr used the same term. Makes me feel stronger on one hand and yet more like I hate myself for allowing it at the same time
Plus the fact that I still am by not being able to push him out without absolutely dreading the future. Plus hate that me being down is probably what's using my son the most at the minute.

Why do women always feel guilty that they can't solve every problem known to man? Because its men that (usually) cause the bloody problems in the first place!
Find your inner warrior and tell him to jog on.
He's not worthy of you.
And you need to raise your expectations OP.

I think I should have followed the MN advice from the start and blocked him as much as possible before i had so much fight knocked out of me. At the time tho I just so wanted (& let's face it still do) to believe that he meant he loved me and would realise his mistake. Plus of course there has been a lot of minimising and deceipt which meant I constantly wanted to be sure before wrecking my little family.
I know it'll take time but I can't bear the thought of being single after all this time. Despite the fact that at times in the past couple of years it has sounded idyllic.
Need to remember why?

I'm afraid that he's right and it's my fault and I just need to start to understand that I pushed him to need someone else.

You did not push him, he chose to go.
You need to focus on you and your son.
If he is still living with you, ask him to leave. It sounds as if he wants it all.
His behaviour is abusive and you need to remove him from having any power over you.

I so feel for you.
But if you can find your inner strength you will be ok.
Easier said than done.
This ow is just a distraction.
If he thought for 1 second he didn't have you waiting in the wings she would certainly loose some appeal.
So stand your ground.
He can't have you both.
Choose.
If he chooses her you will not be 'friends ' he will not call round. He will not phone you etc

Most men come crawling back after this becomes a reality

If he loved her he'd be with her.

He doesn't and she knows it.

Really trying to find my inner strength. He said that he would go for a couple of nights this week to give us all a break and see how things were. I agreed even though it's breaking my son's heart. Trouble is they work closely together so when he stays away it's always near work/ her rather than home/his family.
What he forgot to mention, but if he thinks about it will realise I know as it's been the same for years, is his company have these two days off ahead of Xmas. So he hasn't gone to be near work and make it calmer for a couple of days. He's gone for a jolly. So it's more bollocks. All said as if he cared. Wonder if she knows he said he loved me & would miss me before he went!!

This mans needs a reality check !!!!
Seriously
He wants you both

He thinks he can have you both.
After 20 years he will always love you
Always.
And no she won't know this.
If you cut your supply of 'love'
Off she would soon loose her sparkly newness

Has it been 6 months yet?
This is the time infatuation last and real life kicks in.
If he was married to her he be chasing someone else.
What ever problems he's got .....
Depression
Stress
Mid life
She is just a distraction.
(And keep telling your child it's all going to be alright - cos it is)

You need to step back and see this for what it is, a grimy old git trying to keep you on the back burner whilst he gets his rocks off elsewhere; four months is 4 months too long to be tolerating this OP, c'mon, do you think so little of yourself to allow this to keep going?

Stop taking the blame for an adequate man, fails you and fails his son, none of this is your fault so just stop it, he sounds frighteningly awful, wise up OP, you don't need a hand, you need a head wobble.

Thanks everyone. That's what I needed to hear.
It's so hard when he's saying that it's not as strong between then as it was one minute, and that he still loves me but I know that all it did is hook me back in. Make me think that I should hang in there to save my family for my DS & our history's sake.
But the truth is that this situation is worse for me & DS than living without him will be. I just need to find a way to remember that.

And that he can't just think he can wander back in to what we had before when he feels like it.

You have to ask yourself op what could the future possibly hold that could be worse than this...

This coming in and out of your life will damage you and your son more than you can imagine.

He's keeping you in limbo right where he wants you.....End this once and for all and give you and your son the life you deserve.

History is irrelevent when the only possibility for the future is more of the same shit.

He's just rung to say goodnight to DS and for the first time I just picked up and said I was handing it over. No chat. Feels weird but I know it's what needs to be done.
And he was late in calling which meant I've been just waiting for it.
You people are really helping me feel stronger than I did yesterday when I posted. So pleased I did.

Well done find your anger and remind yourself every time he snaps his fingers that you do have your own mind!

You are strong.
You are smart.
You are beautiful.
You are kind.
None of this is your fault.
You will have a better life with someone who loves and values you but it won't be him. You will find someone worthy of your love, someone who will think the sun shines out of your behind and who will worship the ground you walk on.

But for now, enjoy being single. Find who you are again without that slimy man. He's taken you for a fool for too long but you will show him that your life is a million times better without him.

Give yourself time to grieve, recover and then enjoy life and explore the endless possibilities.
Start a hobby, make friends and build up a wonderful support network around you.

You've got this xxx

He's back. Says he was sad when away but when I say what do did he get up to he said why does it matter!? I said I didn't actually care any more. Bit more rubbish talk then asks if we want to take DS to Christmas market!
He just knows how much I'd love that. I said of course not but now left wondering if it would be best for DS?

You did exactly the right thing.
Go you.
No gloating just assertive self esteem respectable stuff.
Your child will look and learn.
If it was the other way round would your dp put up with such shit behaviour.
He wants jam on it.
Baby steps.
You age doing great.

'Are' doing great !

This is death by a thousand cuts.
You will never move on while he is under the same roof.

No op....What would be best for DS is to put and end to this ridiculous flitting back and forth his father keeps doing and give the boy some consistently and stability!

I don't understand why you're even entertaing the garbage spilling from this guys mouth and letting him come back and forth like a stray cat.

He's made his bed it's time for the fucker to lie in it.

I know- I think that's why I put the question out there. My head instinctively knows but then I think I'm so used to being hooked back in that I fall for it. But I know, & I told him, that it would not be a nice day anyway. It would be totally false.
Need you guys to keep reminding me of that when I become weak. This is really helping me get feisty!

Mate - chuck him out - he’s taking the piss massively here! Tell him to sling his bloody hook and bugger off back to his Trollope! Who the hell does he think he is shuttling back and forth between the two of you? Yes, I know it’s shit, yes I know it’s going to be a crap time but you need to demand some respect here and stop letting this bloke treat you like he’s God’s gift to women!! You need to have some pride and dignity here and tell him to bloody go!!

You need to read the chump lady website

www.chumplady.com/

The thing is I have told him. Not at first, but nor did I ask him not to.
He started a while ago saying he needed to go to 'sort his head'. I said if he thought he could just do that and come back he was mistaken.
Then I started telling him he had to go. Several times he's said he's looking at somewhere but nothing's come of it.
I've found b&bs he could go to- nothing.
When I started pushing the bnb idea he said I can't make him move out & legally I've been told that's the case.
We jointly own the house but he pays mortgage & I can't afford to on my own.