Another handhold needed

[Whatdyknow]

STBX has been openly having an affair for 4 months since caught out on WhatsApp. Has told me of his feelings for ow and throughout the whole thing says he needs to leave to get his head straight but has only ever left for a night. Also throughout had continued to tell me he loves me and misses the us we had for over 20yrs.
In between this he accused me of spoiling his relationship with our son (teenager) - I put that down more to him not coming home as early or often as he used to and being generally preoccupied. Plus I have been trying to support son by doing lots with him and accepting his need to be a bit more clingy.
Now need a handhold please to believe that it's best to end this. I've tried to say we could get help to make it work or at least try but he's now said he couldn't run the risk of losing ow. Why am I finding this so hard. It's awful when he's home and I don't know which person he's going to be but I miss him so much when he's not here.
I feel so much more desperate than I ever thought possible for someone who's quite happy to play me along and blame me for everything when it suits him.

Get some legal advice and start collecting your documents

How do people cope with co parenting at this stage when you're both in the same house?
I'm trying to keep a wide birth from OH but how to do that without being too dramatic for DS. Thought I'd go to cinema so they have some time and was talking to DS about what I might watch. OH overhears and says that he'd love to see it. So DS wonders why i'm not jumping at this. Being played so that it seems like I'm spoiling things.

Tell him to take ow.
Seriously though.
I bet she sat home waiting /hoping he's going to leave you.
(Probably told her all sorts of rubbish)
Years ago a friend of friend was in this position.
She befriended the ow (yes really)
One dp came home from work and they were both in his kitchen having a cup of tea together (ha ha )
Not sure what happened but men like to keep things separate.
'Compartmentalise '
And they hate, totally hate when the 2 world collide.
It certainly brought it to a head and made him realise how unacceptable things were.

@robin2323 I love that idea and have had various thoughts about how it might be if I got in touch. But ultimately I'm not sure it's for me. Several of the scenarios have ended with me coming off worse & that's just in my own imagination.
For all I know he might have already been with her. But today she's probably at home with her partner & own son!
After so much talk from him about how he doesn't get to spend enough time with our DS he's already lost patience and gone out.

Best not then.
Didn't realise she was married.
Does her dh know?
Is your dp 'waiting' for her to leave her dh and using you as a
Safety net till then ?
What a pair of selfish people.
Either way let him go off sulking. Think he's beginning to see he can't push you around.
Be pleasant but be firm.
He choose his bed so let him lay there. For now.
Time he grew up.

I do think, despite all the denials of course, that he might well be waiting. Also says he couldn't live with her because of her DS not his own. Shame that's not thought about most of the time.
Her DP doesn't know...... Which says a lot to me.
But ultimately I'm doing OK today. MN is keeping me strong. Just need to hang in there & yes, try to stay calm and adult.

Why don't you ask him for an open marriage op as that's essentially what this is at the moment, its just one sided as it stands.

If he doesn't want to do this you need to sit down with him and look at making a break from each other and going your separate ways as this isn't working for you is it? If he has any love for you at all he will agree to make this as easy for you as possible. You have to take back some control.

Please say you're not shagging him op. I don't know why you're even engaging him in general conversation; I would be completely grey rock in these circumstances unless he was giving me a date when he was fucking off....Disrespectful doesn't even begin to describe it

Thing is I don't have much choice but to speak to him @closetbeanmuncher since we're mostly stuck under the same roof with DS. But it's not business as usually usual.
I admit at first I was hoping that we could work on things but don't think I was fully'doing the pick me dance' more that I was unsure of facts. As time's gone on and I've discovered more i realise how much gas lighting and other crap I've been subjected to. I had no idea and still don't really want to believe that the person I've spent 22 years with could treat me with so little respect and care. Never mind love. And all the while telling me he did care & love me. It really messes with my mind
Before this I would always have said no way would I hang around with even the sniff of infidelity, but.... What can I say. I've fallen for the, trying to make it work for the kids, believing I was to blame..... All of the crap.
Oh & I've already tried to open relationship line. He didn't like the idea but unfortunately knew that's not really me. Although if the opportunity arises....

He didn't like the idea!!!?? But refuses to give up the other woman.....I would love to take a frying pan to this tossers head on your behalf!

You're not to blame for any of this, it's no reflection on you at all. What he means by make it work for the kids is he carries on as before and you get back in your box and stfu.

I understand what you mean about bring under the same roof but try not to get drawn into any emotional conversations because he gaslights/blameshifts and twists the reality.

Forget everything he says and look at his actions. What do they tell you?

His actions are speaking loud & clear to me to right now.
I think mine are starting to too as he's started to wonder why I'm acting like I hate him!!
Angry with myself a bit tho because when he asked that I did get into an angry emotional conversation. Nearly said things that I promised myself I'd keep close to my chest for my own protection (not safety but mental health wise). I didn't say them but he might be able to guess.
Still it's getting past the point of concern.
Just wish it wasn't nearly Christmas. Although (& I know this might be different even by tomorrow) when I heard Christmas music today it didn't make me feel sad but actually like it was pulling something from my past. He never liked the stuff I grew up with at Christmas so after years of trying and coaxing I got used to having his and believing I didn't really enjoy Christmas much other than for DS.

Anger has its place.
He's acting like a spoilt kid.
He should shape up or ship out.
Read up on cake eating.
Sounds like your inner woman is coming out.
Most men have trouble with female anger.
If he won't leave that ok but mrs carpet NO more.
Do not leave your home.
But do not reward his bad behaviour.
He's being a pig.
You have more 'power' than you know.
Like I said without your love and support the few crumbles this ow is throwing him wont sustain his flagging ego.
Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.
Use your anger as you are doing just don't make any rash decisions from that place

💐

@robin2323.
Thanks, but what kind of rash decisions do you mean? My head is so all over the place I think I know what I need to do and did tell him no more, he couldn't treat me like he had been doing and so we were over. Well & truly. Is it that you meant or more things to do with home and practicalities? Sorry, I know it's not up to you to make my decisions but I'm really valuing outside input into my situation.

What I mean is DO NOT LEAVE your home.
Many, many years ago my 'nutty ' cousin was in your position.
Her ex husband said he didn't love her and wanted to split up.
They had a toddler and the lack of sleep had caused lots of problems / rows.
Anyways she decided to leave so that he would 'miss' her realise his mistake.
They never got back together.
Anyway years later he admitted they would have got back together but 'she' left.
He was hurt , lost and rejected, though really all of his own making - like your dp.
Now however much of that is true who knows.
But he Ended living with an ow who'd been sniffing around.
Never pushed for divorce though ow was desperate to get married.
Anyway made his life hell.
It was too late anyway as cousin had met wonderful man.
Now at 50 he's bouncing from one relationship to another.

Another hand for you here lovely!

You are worth and deserve a cataclysmically enormous amount more than this. He was unfaithful and can't possibly rebuild that trust now. Plus, he seems to be acting like a total shit.

Being on your own might seem scary now but a few weeks in, you'll wonder how you ever put up with this knob.x

Hi @robin2323.
Don't worry I'm but going anywhere.

Just had a talk after me saying yesterday I'd really had enough. He went from saying he loves me and always has and hasn't moved out because he knows what we have is real and not her, to he can't resist the temptation, to if he could do anything to make it better for me just say. So I asked what he was the two nights he was away. Answer I don't need to account for my actions to you. You know I'll have seen her a bit. It wasn't for long. When I said OK so what did you do he said it's irrelevant.
OK so not really wanting to make a difference for me then..!

Feel like I've been quite strong this weekend. I know it's the right thing.
I need to remember he's so good at the words but none of the actions.
So why do I feel so shaky. It would have been an easier day if I'd just ignored everything. Am I just making myself about to have an even worse Christmas than it might have already been?

His behaviour is unacceptable.
It is hurting you.
Temptation - what is he 17?
This is affair fog.
Most men Who end up with the ow realise very quickly that these women who chase mm are usually selfish, immature and quite insecure. (Why else would you settle for a mm when there's single blokes everywhere. )
Anyway these men end up 'begging and sobbing ' to be allowed home.
Wish they could see this before they are tempted.
Anyway stay strong.
Focus on your ds
None of this is his fault.
Your dp is predictable and laughable.
Your self asteem needs to rise s bit.
Try googling 'Julia Kristain'
She does free you tube vids on setting boundaries and it really works.

Then you would feel strong enough to draw some boundaries.
Try and carry on with your life being 'happy ' without involving him/ dp.
Once he see you getting on with things he will start feel that there really is a good chance he could lose you.
He's not there yet.

Why do I always start to fall apart on Sunday evenings?
The past few weeks I've got so emotional, angry, tearful and downright crazy every Sunday evening. I thought I was so much more in control and sorted today. Clear in my mind that we're over.
But come evening I'm fit to burst again. Told him I hated him, cried, said of course I don't hate him. Why can't I keep it together.
All I do is make myself feel worse.
I just find it so hard to have him still here in the house and it's so abnormal. He's keeping our of my way but I still know he's there. Was having lunch with DS with music on when he interrupted it with funny sounds ( through the speakers) from upstairs. Made DS laugh and look to see why I didn't find it funny. Maybe it's just me. At times like this I think he's probably right and wonder why he hung around so long.

So wish I could get my strength back. Yesterday morning I felt so clear and knew what I needed to do but now all I can think of is how much I'll miss him. I'm afraid i won't be strong enough on my own

Maybe it's just me. At times like this I think he's probably right and wonder why he hung around so long.
As he said that to you ?
Tell him to go then.
Honestly he wouldn't put up with it you were doing the same.
Adultery is like grief.
Death of a marriage.
But this affair will fizzle out
If you really love him and he still loved you, you can come out this with a better and stronger marriage.

Have you talked about 'why' this has happened?
Had there been lots of arguments before ?
Had you stopped having fun together?
Is your dp depressed?
Working too hard. ?

It's hard to walk away but it's even harder to stay and work things out.
This is what working at a relationship looks like.
And these problems can be work through.
Hang in there.

hand hold

He basically wants everything handed to him on a plate doesn't he.

Sorry you are going through this op. He can’t have you both. Is there anyway he could leave I think all this going and coming back after a few days when he’s obviously been with ow is making it harder on you and ds.