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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another handhold needed

102 replies

Whatdyknow · 28/11/2018 21:38

STBX has been openly having an affair for 4 months since caught out on WhatsApp. Has told me of his feelings for ow and throughout the whole thing says he needs to leave to get his head straight but has only ever left for a night. Also throughout had continued to tell me he loves me and misses the us we had for over 20yrs.
In between this he accused me of spoiling his relationship with our son (teenager) - I put that down more to him not coming home as early or often as he used to and being generally preoccupied. Plus I have been trying to support son by doing lots with him and accepting his need to be a bit more clingy.
Now need a handhold please to believe that it's best to end this. I've tried to say we could get help to make it work or at least try but he's now said he couldn't run the risk of losing ow. Why am I finding this so hard. It's awful when he's home and I don't know which person he's going to be but I miss him so much when he's not here.
I feel so much more desperate than I ever thought possible for someone who's quite happy to play me along and blame me for everything when it suits him.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 06/12/2018 17:17

Such a horrible situation for you, he is just keeping you dangling and waiting to see what will happen with the ow. Hopefully you will not want him either way, I hope you have made this clear to him. Tell him there is no going back whatever he decides now as you have made his mind up for him.

Weenurse · 07/12/2018 07:34

Good luck

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 07/12/2018 07:59

Feeling so sad this morning. Went out for a bit last night with people I don't know very well. Trying to push myself. They were very friendly but it just made me feel lonely. Of course got home to find he'd been playing fun dad! Now got a sore throat and feel achy and generally very sorry for myself. Supposed to be seeing friends tonight but feel rubbish. Every day feels like I'm just trying to push myself to get through it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdyknow · 07/12/2018 08:06

And STBX decided to tell me about buzzcocks singer dying and started to play ' ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't've' , then realised it probably wasn't the best thing to play to me and said' 'oops'. Yeah cos 22 years ending for love of someone else is just a little'oops' isn't it

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 07/12/2018 10:55

He doesn't really love' ow.
Once the newness, the excitement of the secrecy wares off he'll realise what a donkey he is.

Don't force your self to go out before your ready.

Being strong and secure woman means snugging under the duvet with a good book if it makes you feel good.

Ignore him. Let him ride this train wreck on his own.

You'll get there.

Demented101 · 07/12/2018 12:15

What an idiot he is! Oops indeed..

2018anewstart · 07/12/2018 12:28

I really feel for you as I have been there. My husband had an affair for 4 years. Lots of lies along the way but once I found out for definite it was still ongoing I made him leave at once and minimised contact otherwise you will never make the break. What has helped me is realising the man I fell in love with no longer exists. Try to accept you have had good times along the way but look foward to a new passage in your life where you have the opportunity to meet someone who loves you for who you are. Frightening but exciting. It is hard I am not denying it but it does get easier. I am happier now than I have been for the last 4 years. Single but happy. I think it its better to be out of a relationship where you constantly made to feel like second best. You deserve someone who thinks you are their world.

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 07/12/2018 13:10

Thanks everyone. You're right @2018anewstart I don't think he's the same man and I think I've felt that for the past couple of years which does make me wonder how long it's really been more than just friends. Put it down to work pressures etc.... Just so tough when I still occasionally see glimpses of the old him.
But basically he's not yet put himself into the tough position of moving out. No matter where he goes to he's going to feel it.

OP posts:
2018anewstart · 07/12/2018 13:22

If possible and I know it's hard but ask him to leave. Say you are ready to move on with your life. (Even though you may not be yet) This will either give him the wake up call that he needs and he will come back to you grovelling but if he doesn't you have made the first decision in your life as an independent strong woman rather than letting him still try to control you.

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 07/12/2018 14:06

I have asked him and also told him to leave. I just know he's not going to do a thing before Christmas (was supposed to have sorted it out by early Nov) which is why I'm trying to get a plan together for how to handle it. Just need my stomach to unknot and to sleep.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/12/2018 14:21

Do your, and his, family and friends know you’re separating? That’s could be a good start, break the news to them if they don’t already know, then get onto a solicitor and start the ball rolling.

At the moment he’s having his cake and eating it, one four in both camps as he’s not sure which he’s in. If the ow dh doesn’t know maybe he’s waiting on her to leave him, but keeping you in the picture in case she doesn’t ?

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 07/12/2018 14:44

My family know the situation, my friends know largely (some mutual obv) though not necessarily blow by blow details, his... Think he told them he was going to move out as we weren't getting on..... Don't seem to have asked when, where or why but then he might just but have told me.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/12/2018 14:47

Start to take steps and take control OP. He’s treating you appalling, and I can’t believe he wants to play happy families over Christmas. I know you think it’s better not to tell the dc, however children know and see what’s happening, so I’d explain in their language what’s happened and why, and that he will be leaving. He’s being very cruel.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about what you can do re the house? Can you force him to sell it buy you out?

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 12/12/2018 21:23

Turns out I didn't need to talk about what to tell DS. STBX was actually honest when DS asked him directly about OW.

So it's (sadly for DS) out in the open with DS.
STBX still not sorted anywhere to live but is managing to stay out when it suits. Bothering me less a bit tho. Mourning the old rather than the present & if future would be more based on that then it's not what I'd want anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdyknow · 15/12/2018 14:04

Need to stay strong.
Was coping OK. He's been away part of the week. DS been ill and I've found it no different to normal as STBX didn't really help with childcare anyway- maybe some moral support tho.
But came in last night, bit drunk as ever, all how much he missed me, again. How he wished he could just come to bed as normal. I blanked him managed not to react. Today he's all offering to do whatever I need for Xmas and again saying how sad he is, wishes he could turn back the clock and it had never happened. I said it's way too late for that. So he says even if he ended it with OH it wouldn't make things OK with us ( no shit) because that's why he fell for her in the first place. So I say, why in that case have you still not moved out.
Now back to feeling really sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdyknow · 15/12/2018 17:02

Is anybody there? Everyone IRL is out- Xmas. Ex is in the house and I'm struggling to keep it together. He says he's letting it if my way but it's not big enough. I really can't do this

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/12/2018 17:09

He really is a selfish shit bag isn’t he.. why can’t he just move out and let you go. He’s still trying to reel you in. I’m not surprised you’re sad OP. He’s not letting you heal or move on

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 15/12/2018 17:41

Thanks @whoknewbeefstew.
I just wish he would go. I hate that when he's there I end up upsetting DS because it feels so tense that I get upset or have to get out

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdyknow · 15/12/2018 18:06

Just said he won't leave if because I've told him he can't come back & stay here to see DS. Said of course he can see him but not just come back& stay here

OP posts:
Weenurse · 15/12/2018 22:20

Have you any legal advice?

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 15/12/2018 22:40

Yes and there's not really much I can do apparently. As we jointly own I can't force him to leave. Plus as unmarried I need him to remain willing to support me/us as much as he currently says he will. I'm working extra hours at the moment so not too dependant but know that I need to increase to where I don't need the extra support. Classic case of reducing my career to help him build his and to look after our child (which of course I love)

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/12/2018 08:28

What would happen if you moved out and rented, and didn’t pay your half of the mortgage? I presume you’d still be entitled to half the equity if/when he sold?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/12/2018 08:31

I’d also tell the ow husband, it might make a mess but that way it may also force you dp to act, maybe she will leave her dh and they may move in together. Or it might backfire if course, and she picks her dh and your stbx then wants to worm his way back in

Weenurse · 18/12/2018 06:43

He needs to go.
How is your son reacting?
Is he managing ok?

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 18/12/2018 07:00

Just seen your thread, op. So sorry you're going through this, what a manipulative shit he is. I second telling the OW's partner.

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