"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's November 2018, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

WhoTheFuckDoesThis I find swearing is the only answer when dealing with my sisters! Don't apologise!

I will always be wrong in their eyes. I always have to put up and shut up and be the one to apologise, even though I've done nothing wrong. I have completely wrong footed them by cutting them off. Good.

Have you tried talking to your dad about how hurtful you find his behaviour? Not sure it will do much good as he seems to be an enabler, but it's worth a try. Ultimately, you may have to consider LC with him for your own sanity.

"Dad is round again today, I have no idea what to say to him. Or if I even want to see him. Any advice?"

Yes, to be out when he calls or otherwise be unavailable. I would further lower all current levels of contact with him as well. Talking to him about how hurt you are will be a wasted effort because he is a bystander and enabler who acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

@Whocansay holy poop, its like you're saying what I'm thinking!

I was always the joke of the family, the messy, lazy one who always fucked up, who no-one would ever want to marry or have kids with. Why would anyone-look at me! My sisters took offence at the slightest silly thing, then I had to grovel and apologise and 'have to stop acting like this'.
So when I met DH and fell pregnant, their power over me started to fade. When I had DS, I saw how unimportant he was to them, making snide comments about him like they did with me. I didnt want him to have what I did, never feeling good enough. I will never be good enough for them, never. I could cure cancer, save the world and climb Everest, I'd still be a loser! My poor lovely wee boy didn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve to feel as bad about himself as I did and still do.

@Atillathemeerkat I don't know if I can do that. I feel very hurt but he has told me he is entitled to see his other daughters, we're all his daughters etc. Dad and I have always been close, they fall out with him, I've never. I look after him, help with his banking, online stuff etc. I think I'll be putting off todays visit until I get things sorted in my head.

Just so draining, all this tension. Why cant they accept me for me?
Story of my life tho.

Think your dad has also done his bit here to throw you under the bus too. What he is saying here is really another version of, "do not criticise the choices I have made here, get back in your box" and role to which you were assigned from birth.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; look also at both your mother and father's roles here in this overall dysfunctional dynamic. You are the scapegoat and still trying to seek dad's approval, you are useful to him in that you help him with his banking and such like; he won't want you to stop doing that for him all that easily. I put it to you that you do not need his approval.

He has failed to protect you from your sisters and their wrath towards you and furthermore this is a dynamic here that both parents created.

All credit to you now for deciding that enough is enough and that you are protecting your son from their malign influences.

WhoTheFuckDoesThis we've clearly had very similar experiences! They will never accept you for you, as they would have to admit they were wrong. They will never do that.

I was very big as a teenager. My sisters used to thoroughly enjoy bullying me and making jokes at my expense. Then suddenly, mid teens, I lost the weight. They HATED me for that! It was so strange! I had lots of comments that I'd lost too much weight and should put some back on (I was never smaller than a size 10). They just wanted me back in my allocated box.

I met my DH late teens, but didn't get married until 28. They hate him too. He always saw through them, right from the beginning. They used to tell people that he was abusive (never, ever happened). I actually think they would prefer it if he was! They do love a bit of drama. They'd be all over me in pretend support. I should have listened to him. He knew if I got back in contact I would just get grief.

I think Attila is probably right about your dad. He can let you down as you're always there for him. If you stop being so available, maybe he will learn to prioritise you? Let one of your other sisters do his chores for a change.

Hi all. I haven't posted on this thread before but I feel like I need to.

I've recently started counselling for an issue related to my DC. What it has uncovered for me is that my mum is a narcissist. I probably sound stupid saying that this was a complete shock, but it was!

I'm now starting to unpick my complicated feelings around my whole family (lots of siblings) and childhood. I feel vulnerable, shaken and like my whole belief about my family is totally different to what I thought.

Does anyone relate to feeling this way? I'm nearly 40. Why has it taken so long for me to realise some of this stuff?

AfterGlowWorm, the important thing to say first is that your reaction is completely normal - because you are a normal, decent, reasonable person trying to deal with an abnormal truth.

I can relate to that completely. I'd always known my mother was not like other mums. I knew that other children had families completely different to mine. They had parents who were emotionally available to them, openly affectionate, supportive, interested in their school work and their hopes and dreams. That was alien to me. Happy family activities, celebrations, even birthday parties - all alien to me. Even as a child, I felt like an onlooker watching a play about how other people live, but it wasn't real life because it wasn't what I knew.

My brother and middle sister were treated very differently to me and I recognised the unfairness, even railed against it, but was told I was ungrateful and selfish (just for wanting to be treated equally!) so I became very self-contained and found solace in books and imaginary friends. I just accepted that this was my life and I had to make the best of a bad job and not rely on anyone. Love and affection and friendships were for other people, not for me. My DH had to work very hard to persuade me that he loved me and that I really was someone who was loveable.

But - and I think this is what is bedevilling you - like you, I never really questioned my upbringing until much much later. It was only when my youngest sister, my DSis (who drew first prize in the scapegoat lottery) rolled her eyes in exasperation at one of my mother's madnesses and said, "She has all the emotional intelligence of a toddler" that it finally clicked. I actually googled "mother with emotional intelligence of a toddler", found the Daughters of Narcissistic Mother's website and then found Stately Homes. And finally, finally, it all made sense. But when you think about it, we've been conditioned since birth so why should it be any surprise that it should take so long before we accept and process the evidence of our eyes?

Don't ignore the power of the cultural assumption that all mothers love all of their children (even if they have funny ways of showing it) and so all children should love and honour their parents. So to have that core belief suddenly swept away is horrifying and confusing and frightening and messy. In my case, the child-me still craved a mother's love while the adult-me knew that it was never going to happen. My mother does not love me. Never has. Never will. I am periodically "useful" to her or "not useful" and this determines how she behaves towards me. But it's still a bitter pill to swallow. No wonder you are all over the place emotionally.

But take heart - this just means you are normal, that you are a sane and reasonable person struggling to make sense of a seismic life truth. What you are going through is a period of emotional madness, just as we all do on here, but you will come through it in time.

Do you have anyone you can talk to? Talking helps, it really does. And if you don't (and that's not unusual either - it's so hard to go against that cultural imperative), then unfold your thoughts on here as and when you feel able to. There's always someone round to listen.

@Atillathemeerkat thanks, I was definitely in the role of family joke/fuckup. Until I had counselling and adressed it. Mum apologised, Dad respected me. Finally! They're not bad parents, but they both recognise they have created not nice people with my sisters.
I've worked on my relationship with my folks as opposed to their entitlement, so its not too bad. I spoke to Dad yesterday-told him how I feel, he apologised. He still wants a relationship with my sisters, but I will not pick up the pieces or hear about the shit they cause. Thanks, I'm going to work on not needing either parents approval.

@Whocansay would you like to adopt me as your sister? I've never been large, but I was bullied as if I was-I was a size 10 and that was too fat. My hair wasnt straight or tidy enough. My hair was the wrong colour, ,my jeans not right. What if someone saw me and thought it was her? She'd never get over the shame. I've always said my twin liked me in my box-she was the one always telling me I'd never have kids so I could look after hers (I did-a lot!), saying I'd never know what it feels like to be a mum. She liked me in my 'little sister' box and used emotional blackmail (I'm only saying this for your own good) and bullying to keep me there.
I was there to make her feel better about herself cos she had more money, more cars, bigger house etc. Its not a competition!

Met my DH and had kids mid-30's so it took a while to break off and finally for the first time ever, just be me. Poor DH-he's been accused alongside me on social media-again tis all immature lies, but his name got dragged down too. He beats me, our kids, dogs, I beat them all, blah blah blah. Oh, the drama!! Should have seen their gleeful posts. Most of my family did and now no longer speak to them. Twats.

Its all such a drama when it doesnt need to be. Just be kind.
Accept people for who they are, if you can't, move on with your life.

Thank you SingingLily for taking the time post such a supportive response. Very much appreciated.

I have my therapist to talk to once a week and one of my siblings is further along this road than I am and is relieved to now have someone else to talk things through with.

I'm so glad to hear that, AfterGlowWorm. It will make all the difference, not least because you and your sibling will be a good support for each other, just as my DSis and I support each other. Not everyone on here is as lucky and I can't begin to imagine how isolated they must feel.

I've taken your collective good advice before now here's a recap and request for more advice.

I've been NC with my mam for 6 years and on and off before that for the odd year at a time.
During last 6 years I've got married and had a baby. I have an older child who is 19 who is in contact with my mam. My eldest daughter talks about living in FOG with my mam but has decided that's easier to manage than NC.

I offered to write and tell my mam at the time about marriage and baby so it wouldn't leave my eldest daughter in a tricky situation or having to lie. My daughter didn't want to do that as she didn't see much of her at the time.

Now a year on they are on daily contact and and my daughter can't stand the strain of the deceit. We talked and I said I'd write and tell my mam and that we'd all feel relieved that we are free of the stress.

Any thoughts on how to go about this in terms of offering contact or not. My mam is 70 and lives an hour away from me. Eldest daughter lives at uni.

Any tips or advice welcome.

Why is your eldest child in contact with her grandmother given that there is no contact between her and you?. Has your gran paid for her to be at uni for instance, how were your DD's affections gained here?.

Does your DD think that this lady has been somehow wronged and she wants to put things right between you and her gran?. She is very much in a FOG state which is doing her no favours either. She could well be simply being manipulated by gran now for her own ends.

As for your own self I would not contact your mother; no good will come of it and any letter, no matter how carefully worded will be used by her via your DD (sadly she may well be being used also as her flying monkey) against you. You owe your mother nothing after all.

Another question for you lovely lot.

How I deal with/process the conflicting emotions I feel about my mum? She came over today with my dad for a quick visit and I feel so confused and conflicted.

It was lovely to see her and I sort of feel like, am I imagining/conflating all these past situations? If I hadn't talked it all through with my sister, I honestly think I'd be worried I was making it all up!

It's such a strange and confusing time. I feel ever so thrown by it all. I think about it for the majority of the day at the moment.

I have another therapy session tomorrow so maybe that will help me make sense of all this. But does anyone relate to feeling like this?

@AfterGlowWorm

I know most people say talking helps and it does but for me I like to take my mind off my toxic dad . I like to exercise so I run and it makes me feel better .
So when I'm feeling down off I go .
It's really difficult I understand but unfortunately not a lot you can do except you can manage your feelings and focus on yourself.

Thank you scream. Good advice. I do love working out and definitely find that a good distraction and endorphin boost.

My mum says she loves me intensely and always has. I just don't actually have happy memories with her in, from my childhood. She says I was always such a daddy's girl (with some resentment) and I am hugely attached to my dad. I do have many happy memories with him in.

I know she had an awful childhood with physical abuse from her father, general unkindness and poverty made her she says, determined to be a better mum. And she has been.

I know she had severe pnd after having me, and had other periods of significant depression following multiple miscarriages.

She is always distant in childhood memories, I didn't have a connection with her.

Today I visited her in hospital, she's ok. I told her that my ds has had a relapse of an awful neurological disorder. Her response "Oh I knew that would happen".

I know I'm a grown-up now. But I had to work so hard not to walk out. She is Totally self-obsessed. She is damaged i know. She's told me and my siblings she's dying on more than one occasion (She wasn't, she suffers with anxiety now though won't admit it or get help).

I really really struggle to spend time with her. My siblings don't get it. Especially my younger sister. But she has a much closer relationship and was born when i was a teenager so had a lot of sibling input. Do they not get it cos they weren't the oldest? Cos my other siblings were boys?

She is mentally fragile, comes out with totally random shit sometimes. Sometimes unpredictable. Today I really didn't like her. I always feel awful after spending time with her.

What is this?

Colouring - as a quick response I would say birth order can impact on your experience with parents as for each additional child there are more members of the family they are born in to. The eldest just has the parents. And if age gaps are large enough for siblings to take on aspects of parenting then I imagine that dilution effect is even greater.

So let them spend more time with you mother and allow yourself to ease off a bit. The comment in response to your sons relapse reminds me powerfully of my sister. She's very damaged by our self involved neglectful parents. She really comes out with statements like that k o know she feels she is bring both empathetic and profound.

Hi all. It was suggested I take a look in here on a thread I posted last weekend about feeling the need to end a newish relationship because I don't feel good enough. Or able to compare to his exes. My fear is that his friends think he has 'settled' for me and that he could do a lot better.

I've been NC with my mother for nearly 8 years. The 37 years up to that point were very damaging and, whilst I've managed to process/rationalise/minimise the effect of somethings that she said, certain core beliefs remain and are just so hardwired into me now that I just can't shift them.

But the things I learnt from her have meant that I really struggle to form/maintain relationships of any kind. I constantly feel that I'm not good enough and I am constantly fighting the urge to walk away. Constantly.

If I don't get to grips with this, I'm never going to have a successful relationship/friendship with anyone.

She essentially spent my entire life criticising every aspect of me. I can't remember a single word of kindness - if someone at school upset me, I deserved it; if I was upset, I was mocked; if I did something wrong I was shamed... she parented not with love, gentlessness, kindness and compassion, but with shame, humiliation and intimidation.

I could write 3 or 4 pages detailing all the things that are/were 'wrong' with me but couldn't tell you a single positive.

I still can't 'see' the positives, or make them stick if they are pointed out. I find compliments/positive feedback physically painful to hear. I'm just failing hugely at replacing her negative comments/beliefs/observations with more positive ones.

She criticised/shamed me/told me no one would ever love or want me for pretty much ever aspect of who I was. These included: being vegetarian; the way I dressed; the music I listened to; being intelligent; using a wide vocabulary; not being pretty enough; looking too much like my dad; my natural hair colour; dying my hair; my waist being too small (made my bum look bigger); my bum being too big; my boobs being too small; my skin being too pale; my feet being too small (made my legs look fatter); my legs being too fat; my arms being too long; drinking pints; being too quiet; being too opinionated; being a 'loner'; biting my nails (in primary school); mashing my potatoes into my gravy before I ate them... the list is almost endless.

I was accused of using my intelligence/education against people (her); being an intellectual snob (this is really offensive because I'm anything but).

She told me I was the sort of girl/woman that boys/men 'settled' for when they realised that they couldn't get the sort of woman they really wanted. That, if anyone did ever want to go out with me, I'd have to 'behave' myself so that they didn't hit me; if they did hit me, I was told to be careful and that, next time, they might dump me.

If anything 'bad' happened to me, it was always my fault.

If we were out when I was younger (early teens to mid 20s) and a boy/man looked at me, she would always sneer, "why on earth would they be looking at you?" or "they're probably just thinking how ridiculous you look?"

Every action/decision she has ever taken with regards to me has only reinforced the idea that I just don't matter/I don't count/I'm not worth it.

Some of it I've been able to process and work through - e.g. I know that no one gives a shit if I mash my potatoes into my gravy. But some of it has stuck. Although, even where I can rationalise the words, the 'messages' and the beliefs it's left me with are so deep set that I can't stop the feelings of worthlessness and I can't stop the feeling of needing to get away.

The result is that I never feel 'good enough'. There's always a voice telling me why I'm not good enough. I don't need anyone else to put me down because I do it for myself. I have positive affirmations up around the house but they are just words. I've tried doing that thing where you talk to yourself in the mirror but they are just words. I've tried finding 3 things I like about myself but they are, also, just words.

I've had counselling and therapy for low self esteem/relationship issues but, the problem, I believe that a lot of what she said was right. Especially the physical criticisms - which are the most damaging and long lasting. They were accurate. Nothing she said about me in that respect is incorrect/inaccurate/wrong. It wasn't kind of her to say it or to say it as often as she did. But she wasn't wrong.

Nothing is cracking the surface of these beliefs.

It means that, when I am in a relationship, for example, I feel guilty that I am not good enough; I feel shame on behalf of the other person that I am not good enough. I compare myself to the other women in the group I am with, I am always the least attractive; least outgoing; least funny...

As soon as I see an attractive quality in another woman that I don't possess, I feel inadquate and inferior and certain that my boyfriend finds them more attractive than me; would rather be with them than me. And that's especially hard when I know the woman and I know her to be a lovely person. I also feel it's doing the man a disservice but I can't shift the feeling.

I'm just really weary of it all. And, as a result, I've made really poor relationship choices and I have been in equally emotionally abusive relationships, which has just reinforced it all further.

Sorry this is really long.

WhoTheFuckDoesThis I would love to adopt you as my sister!

I had a wry smile at what you wrote. Our sisters would get on like a house on fire, clearly! They are never happier than when we are upset. For instance, I was very close to my grandparents who were amazing people and I loved them dearly. They died in my early 20s. Over the years one of my sisters in particular tried to imply that they didn't really love me and just tolerated me because they had to. It really upset me, but over the years I had started to believe her. Then when my mother died, we cleared out her house and I found lots of old letters and cards from them to me. They clearly did love me as much as I loved them. I will never forgive that toxic bitch for trying to destroy my memories of them. I don't understand why she would do that. NC is bliss!

It was my mothers birthday yesterday, I haven’t seen her in years, I received the standard shit son, going to hell etc message she sends every birthday.

I usually ignore them, I ignored the mothers day one. But I was feeling particularly brave (a bit drunk) so I decided to send a photo of me and who I’m sharing my bed with (with his permission obvs), and clearly naked. Now fully sober I see she has read it and as expected hasn’t replied, and I still feel very satisfied for sending it.

If she ever messages me again I may maintain this new tradition!

lasttime thanks so much for replying. Yes me and my siblings are very spread out and I know my sister (15 years apart) did benefit. It's ironic she's the one who is always defending mum.

Hi colouringinpro

re your comment about your mother:-

"I know she had an awful childhood with physical abuse from her father, general unkindness and poverty made her she says, determined to be a better mum. And she has been".

Hmm, she would like to think so but has she really been a better mum?. I think not and partly because of what she was herself shown as a child. Instead too of seeking the necessary help she took the low road and took all of that out on you when you were but a child yourself. She has not changed fundamentally since your own childhood. You siblings do not get it because they are overall more favoured. Sadly you copped and still cop her abuses of you now.

It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.
I would certainly lower all contact levels with her going forward with a view to having no contact at all with her. What positives does she bring into your life anyway?. Nothing good from the little you have written about her so perhaps you are still in a FOG state too (fear, obligation and guilt) re her.

Is your dad still in your life now?.

You may well have had material things but she resented your relationship with your father and did not give you the love which you really needed from her.

Thanks Atilla yesterday really was the final straw, I am going to reduce contact with her.

The trouble is I do that and she gets very anxious and emotional and my lovely dad cops that, which I find unbearable . He's now her full time carer so has so much on his plate...

Yes the duty thing remains a killer, especially as she has very poor health