"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's November 2018, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

@AttilaTheMeerkat
I think an email is a good idea. She tends to write extremely long letters to me which make me feel really confused as hardly any of it is true and has lots of violent imagery in it about how I supposedly feel about her.
Last time she wrote one I binned it which felt really good.
I think there's a way of sending emails from her straight to spam so will try to do that.

@Solliloquy
That sounds really hard for you. Can you donate the money to charity? Like maybe a hospice charity that takes ill kids on holiday

@ScabbyHorse I sort of want to show her I don't want or need her money. I know it's not MY money, it's for my kids, but I don't want them being used in this. She's buying them. Or try ing to.
A few weeks ago I found a windchime in my backgarden that belonged to her. I instantly felt like she'd put it there recently, but since she was staying at my home until early January this year, I can't be sure if it's something she'd done when she was here. Seeing her staring at me from her car, watching her come right up to my property really freaked me out.

Hope you are a bit calmer now.

This was another attempt by your mother to regain some of her lost power and control here. It was indeed done also to unsettle and punish you. Many toxic people resort to such measures so its not all that unusual sadly. Toxic people do not always let go of their victims that easily.

In the UK grandparents have no automatic rights of access to grandchildren. It costs time and money to go down the legal route of contact orders and your mother would also have to prove that a relationship would be beneficial to the grandchildren. I would not worry yourself unduly about this.

Cards can be shredded if you have not already done this. Do not give these any more power to upset you. I tell you what I would do with those funds, I would make an online donation to Comic Relief for that amount or insert that cash into a local church's collection box/plate.

Do not let this at all taint your family holiday in any way. Enjoy your holiday.

And bin the windchime as well if you have not already done that. You did not ask for such a thing to be placed in your garden anyway so it is not wanted.

If you haven't already looked at the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website, that is worth a read of too.

@Attil a, dh ripped the windchime down and lobbed it in the wheelie bin lol. She a lso left a tonne of her crap in our home which is also now rotting at the dump
I feel sick and keep shaking. I hate that she STILL has this effect. I feel so weak and wimpy. The website you mentioned is in my bookmarks lol, it was one of the first resources I found. If i gave the money away and at a later date she brings it up to either my kids or I, I don't know what I'd do. If i didnt give it them she'd say im a piece of crap for taking things from my children or would put it kn the same level as stealing from them "it weren't addressed to you" etc. Like whatever I do with it, she scores a point. I did think about stashing the money and cards away in the meantime and... Idk what lol, chuck them at her if she makes another appearance?
Id got my hopes up that I'd seen the last of her. Obviously not.

How would she know what you have done with these unwanted items anyway?. She isn't going to, those are in any case your items now to do with as you see fit.

You do not know where she lives and you have no contact with her, that will certainly continue. She is not going to speak to your children because there is no contact between she and them. Please do not worry yourself further about this. Bin the cards and donate the money to charity; do not give either any more power than it already has here.

Good to read that the windchime was dumped in the wheelie bin, that gave me a laugh. You need to rid yourself of these items in a similar manner.

@ Soliloquy - "I hate that she STILL has this effect...' I am with you there. Stay strong.

In my case I am in contact with my mother and on the surface it is all happy families, but I get hideously wound up in advance of any family meeting. Since 2013 I have adopted the grey rock (I think that's what it's called) approach of telling her nothing about me and just letting her rant on about her. I think she is starting to notice, and doesn't like it, but I don't care. However she has now started doing things like suggesting we go on holiday together (can't think of anything worse) and whereas before I would have found some excuse, on this occasion I simply said I didn't want to. I fear my new willingness to be more blunt may bring things to a head at some point but I have spent fifty years dancing to someone else's tune and enough is enough. I will try to keep the happy families going for the sake of my father but not totally at my own expense any more.

Choc

I would not keep up any happy families pretence for the sake of your dad, he is not worthy of such an action. Do not keep setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I would not let him off the hook here because he has likely acted as your mother's enabler throughout. He has also failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviour and has really acted as her hatchet man and bystander here (he is really her secondary abuser). He cannot therefore be at all relied upon.

Grey rock can work to some extent but it can be exhausting to maintain. Well done for saying an outright no to a holiday with your mother. Put your own self first now.

New to this thread and still not sure I should be on here. I've always adored my mum but have really been struggling with my relationship with her the past couple of years. My counsellor has been prodding me to examine the relationship more closely but I have been defensive and reluctant to do so. But the past few weeks I have started to really examine her behavior and I am pretty horrified at what I've been seeing.

The thing that upset me the most is that she had me undergo liposuction as a teenager even though I was a normal and healthy weight. I've always been a healthy weight, about 5'3", never any larger than a size 8, usually about 8 stone 3-10 lbs. But she constantly commented on my weight and food choices as soon as I hit puberty. When I was a Y10, she thought I needed to lose weight and put me on a fad diet. Even though I lost weight, she thought there were flaws in my body shape and had me undergo liposuction. This was not something I asked for or wanted, but just complied with because I believed her when she said she was trying to help me. She continued to comment on my weight for years and would sometimes undermine me saying I thought my body looked nice by telling me it was just the surgery tricking me by keeping my shape proportionate. After years of me telling her to stop, she mostly has stopped her weight comments, though will give "significant" looks at my body. When I pull her up on it, she will pretend that she wasn't giving me any kind of look. She has continued other forms of criticism regarding my appearance and has refused to stop because she is "helping" me. She recently suggested I get some plastic surgery on my nose. That was the final straw for me. Not because she suggested it, but I realized I should have been angry at someone who suggested my face needed fixing but I wasn't. FWIW, I think I have a nice face and nose.

There are lots of other little things (boundary issues, finding my independent choices to be an attack on her, finding me selfish/unappreciative for being hurt by her comments, finding myself in abusive relationships, etc.) but I don't know if I am oversensitive. I'm having trouble telling apart a parent's mistakes from abuse. I am mostly disgusted that she put my health at risk to undergo a cosmetic procedure that I did not even need. I am have troubling reconciling that with the parts of her that are loving and kind.

Sorry for the lengthy post! How were you able to tell that the difference between mistakes and abuse?

I forgot to mention one other event that has made me question everything. My mum refused to get me glasses as a child because she didn't think they were attractive, even though I needed them to see distances. For some reason, these two incidents relating to my health are upsetting me.

dearestdarling

You are not being at all over sensitive here; infact I think you've been conditioned by her and have underreacted to date. I do not think that any of what you have written about here can be at all construed as a mistake on her part. I would certainly encourage you to explore this dysfunctional relationship because its going to come out anyway. You certainly need to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

Your mother is abusive through and through; when has this woman ever been kind to you?. Her actions are about power and control over you, she does not know the meaning of the word love. Not having spectacles when it was clear you needed them is abusive as well. She wanted you to be her own warped image of how you should appear.

You do not mention your dad here at all; where is he?.

Are you in the UK or overseas?. That surgeon who performed such a procedure on you should be prosecuted as well. I would have no further contact with her at all now due to the immense harm, physical and mental, she has done.

@dearestdarling - your story is horrific and you are right to be deeply concerned. These are not parenting mistakes, they are abuse. It took me a long time to see my own mother's behaviour for what it is.

@Attila - thank you for your support. I hear what you say about my father but whatever I do, I have to be able to live with myself. As such I am prepared to make some sacrifices ongoing. My husband's family has been imploding for some years due to similar issues and it is not pretty. That said it's rather sad that I'm waiting for the day my mother dies. I did have some counselling about that, just to make sure that I'm not setting myself up for paroxysms of guilt when she does go, and while one can never be sure, I am confident that the day will bring only relief.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Thank you for writing back. Your message made me cry a little. It is hard because I think there are many instances where I felt like she loved me and was kind to me. But I'm wondering whether she ever really loved me- certainly the love came with strings. I saw a photo recently of a friend posted on Facebook by her parents, with them saying how proud they were of her. She is very overweight. I felt stirred that her parents loved her and were proud of her and that her weight didn't seem to come into the equation at all. I can't imagine my mum feeling proud of me if I were very overweight. I felt a little envious of my friend to be honest. It sounds so silly written out- of COURSE they don't factor her weight into their love of her but I think my mum would.

My dad is present and has never criticized me. But he was definitely aware of the surgery and paid for it. To his (maybe limited) credit, he was angry about the spectacles when he found out years later that I went for years without going to the eye doctor. I think he truly loves me but he protects my mum. Hard to know how he could love me and let that happen.

I am thinking over what you are saying about no contact and it does scare me a bit to be honest. But I might feel so free. Now I feel so drained by the constant criticism (of both me and others) and the control.

@Chocorcheese Thank you so much for writing. It helps to know that other people have gone through this journey of coming to terms with their childhood. I'm not sure I'm there yet but it feels too overwhelming to take it all in at once. These instances I can accept as wrong but I'm still struggling with the thousand smaller things. How are you doing with your mother now?

@attiliathemeerkat

Just to add, he watched her recently explode at me calling me selfish and ungrateful and a brat because I said I felt hurt by her criticism. He refused to go against her. It is possible he spoke to her privately. But he didn't protect me from it and never did. Is it silly to hope he could change?

@dearestdarling - I cannot abide the woman but maintain contact. On some level I can understand her behaviour as her own mother was utterly horrific. On another level, I wonder how she can behave that way given her own awful childhood. To my great regret I notice certain of her personality traits in myself, though I try to curb them, and this is certainly a factor in my choice not to have children myself. I don't think our genes need perpetuating.

In terms of taking it all in - yes it can be overwhelming and I think you need to process things carefully. I am glad you are seeing a counsellor. As a fully mature adult I find myself aghast at some behaviour which at the time I thought was her being nice. There has been plenty of obviously nasty stuff to be getting on with but she was very good at taking the roles of both good cop and bad cop and you never quite knew which you were going to get.

My father did not protect me from any of it. He was hardly ever there and possibly unaware, but given her behaviour towards him I doubt he was truly unaware of her treatment of us children. He just stuck his head in the sand. That's what we all seem to be doing now. I don't hope he will change. He's in his eighties. He may as well keep his head in the sand. I don't think it is necessarily silly to hope your father will change if that is a hope that helps you, but I find it hard to see how a likely futile hope would help you. I suppose you could try talking to him in private about it.

Morning everyone! First time posting on this board for me but have dipped in and out over the years and it has been so helpful! I'm not sure why I'm posting now really, I guess maybe because the first anniversary of my narc mother's sudden death is looming. It was a huge shock, she was only 56, and prior to her death I'd been nc with her for almost 2 years, and so by default had also been nc with my enabler father and fm sisters! But of course, when the proverbial hits the fan, I am called upon to parachute in and save them all, because they are so controlled by my mother that they have no clue how to function in the real world without her guidance, they still have no clue one year along, especially my father who just festers in his mouldy flat and makes no effort to contact me, because that was 'her job'. Hilariously, the first anniversary of her death falls on Mother's Day this year, and the closer it gets, the more I've found myself fretting about having to go and sit round my Dads and pretend to mourn this woman! So yesterday, I decided that actually, I'm a mother too, me and my DH and our 3 children (who, individually, and collectively have all been through a tough few years, and where has my family support been...) deserve to have a lovely weekend together, so we're going away. I'm going to take control, allow myself to be happy, and not care about how it might affect them, because when have they ever cared about me, really? Whenever I've been cast out of the family over the years, I've been cast out alone, I've had to pick myself up, my three distraught children up, alone. If they want to sit round my Dads next Sunday and slag me off, then so be it, at least they have that option, they have each other, something they never let me be a part off unless I fell into line.

Gosh that ended up being quite a lengthy hello, apologies!😂

@MrsT that outsider feeling is hard. I had it really strongly at my father's last big birthday. I didn't go, but got endless updates about everyone else going. What helped was reminding myself that the nice family gathering playing out in my head wssnt actually happening. Instead my family wss having a gathering and it would bd the wsy they always are. I like your mother's day plan.

Anyway I've just popped in to offload. So apologies for venting and leaving but it's how I use this board. It helps me to say it somewhere public once and then drop it. I'm NC now LC with my family for many years now. Having a slight wobble. My narc F didn't contact me on my bday or my daughter's bday over last 2 months. Didnt really bother me but slightly surprised. Since LC we do quick calls or messages for xmas and bdays. His bday was a week ago. I WhatsApp called and when no answer sent bday message. Started to wonder if he's alright. Got message back a day or 3 later 'I'm perfectly well getting on with my life well" in response to '' I hope you're well' from me.

Seems like I'm being nc'd now. I'm slightly uneasy. God they still make me feel sick and nervous. But it's just this is new. Or maybe it isn't: when I went nc they just left me to it until my dds diagnosis meant they can't describe me as the neurotic/hysterical mother do evolved into LC. Tbh nc is easier than lc as there's less input from them which disturbs me less. So if he's got this new 'I've tried with you but you don't give me what I want so I'm dumping you routine going on.' Thats actually no bad thing objectively. Subjectively it hurts but only because i wish he was different - an old old wound. And breathe...
Or maybe because I detect my sister's coaching in these responses to me. It's their language style. Feels like that thing of all of them and then me as the black sheep. That always hurts too but it hurts less with distance than when I'm trying to engage and they all use me as a punch bag.

ChocOrCheese, I understand exactly what you are saying. It is something I've struggled with myself. I do still love my Dad, despite everything. I have some good memories, some happy memories, of times we spent together chatting and laughing and being at peace with each other. M was never around during those times so the force field of tension that she always manages to radiate just wasn't there and Dad was able to relax. However, although I do believe Dad loves me, I've had to accept that he just doesn't love me enough to stand up for me. That hurts. That still hurts. He would roll his eyes behind her back when she went off on one, but that was the furthest he would go.

For years, he went round cleaning up her emotional messes, apologising on her behalf and smoothing down ruffled feathers. He may have thought he was helping but all it meant was that M never had to face up to the consequences of her irrational outbursts and horrid behaviour. She was shielded from it - until my father became too old and too tired and too ill to mop up after her anymore. Now, he simply shrinks back in his armchair, making himself smaller and smaller, waiting for the thunderstorm to pass, hoping not to be struck by lightning himself.

It's no way to live. However, it is - as I keep reminding myself - his choice. It was also his choice to throw at least two of his daughters under the bus from the days of their early childhood in order to appease his wife. If he wants to end his days in fear and misery with a shrieking harpy, that's up to him. I don't. And that's my choice. My NC will continue.

Feel8bg towards the enabler are so mixed up I'm sometimes glad my mother died a long time ago. I loved her, feel like she loves me but sometimes I'm so angry with her for what she allowed my dad to get away with and what she explained away I can't breathe.
It's worse than my dad whom I don't love. I feel quite cold about him. I'm sad for me he isn't different. I'm sorry for him sometimes because he's so fucked up. Im scared of him cos he was scary. But he doesn't give me that horrible knotted up set of feelings I have for my mum.

@dearest god that's am awful story

@SingingLily your mum sounds like my dad .
I've been nc for over 12 months but family celebrations are always difficult.
It's always have you heard from your dad etc ?
I've also got a situation as one of my brothers doesn't speak to me now, I've made contact, invited to family celebrations but nothing because he'd prefer to take my dads side . My mum asked me today about my brother and I explained what happened. I don't volunteer this information she asked but now she's upset so now my other brother messages me that it's making my dm ill and it's time to put a stop to this .
I replied that unless my dad apologises and changes his nasty behaviour to me then it's not on and I won't be emotionally blackmailed . I'm happier without my dad in my life and I don't need this drama . I'm sorry my mum is upset but it's not my doing .
I think going forward I'll just say to dm that it's best we don't discuss my dad or my brother.
My dad is definitely narcissistic or something like that he has no ability to believe he's wrong even after the most vile and horrible things he's said and the very least he's rude and ignores me and others if we speak to him or will walk out of the room .
I prefer to have nc I don't have to worry about inviting him and that's he'll be rude or embarrass me and my dh in front of others. It seams that others can't except it even though I have .

@Solliloquy

She has no rights
You don’t know where she lives to return the money. So... spend it. Don’t think twice. Stop sentimentally associating her with things. She gave money, you can’t return, so spend it!

She can’t do anything. She has NO rights over you or your children.

De-lurking for the first time in a couple of years to get some perspective from the wonderful people on this thread.

I suspect my socially introverted mother has some form of personality disorder and I have been relatively low contact and grey rock over most of the last 3 years. I see my parents maybe 2 times a year for between 4 days or a week at either their house or ours. I initiate phone contact every 4 to 6 weeks which often feels like a chore as they have very little interest in my adult life.

Tonight's phone call turned unexpectedly into her asking could we all go holiday together, and her getting upset when I didn't immediately sound enthusiastic enough at the prospect. For context I haven't been on holiday with them since I was a teenager. I did explain I have very limited holiday due to working in the private sector which was all already spoken for this year if they wanted to go abroad and we'd need to look at next year. In fact at least 20% of this year's leave will be used on visits to them. She got upset and said she just wanted to spend more time with us and about how she might be dead next year, how she'll be turning 64. Then she had a pop about how frequently she believes we see DH parents and how unfair it is. I've agreed a spring visit of 3 or 4 nights but really don't fancy go abroad with them as I would spend the entire time on edge.

So as not to drip feed the bigger picture is that she has placed me in a parent/friend role since my early teen years sharing inappropriate information about my parents relationship including sexual issues and emotional abuse between them, negative views on other family members, judgemental with a weird way of equating being slim with happiness and success (Can't handle me being a size 20), jealous of my friendships, and will manipulate, blackmail and try to make me feel guilty as I am her only support. She has once threatened suicide but not in recent years. She seems to have no comprehension how damaging these conversations might be for me and I can't bear the confrontation of explaining it to her.
I guess I not out of the FOG yet. Nothing shes done recently is bad enough for NC to be a valid option for me, I'd like to keep the relationship within the boundaries I've set over the last couple of years. Does anyone have thoughts on how I can compassionately say no to going on holiday without another round of guilt peddling?

Sorry for the rant!

Mrs Weatherwax (great name that)

She has never shown you any compassion at all, I do not see why you need to be at all compassionate with her now and such disordered people see that quality as further weakness. I would tell her that no a holiday abroad with them will not take place due to lack of annual leave.

What would be "bad" enough for no contact to be warranted?. What you write of re her is more than awful enough actually for that to actually happen. She was a poor parent (an understatement) to you when you were growing up and she is still the same now.

No you are not out of the FOG yet, not by a long chalk. I would continue to further lower all contact levels. You have boundaries yes and these are good but still need further adjusting. Your mother still tries to ride roughshod over these and when that does not work falls back on the standby of emotional manipulation (all this about I will be 64 soon and she may be dead then, honestly I could play her a very small violin!. I see that she mentioned suicide one time, again that was used deliberately to keep you in line). This will always happen; all you can do now is drop the rope she keeps holding out to you. She is not and will never be the kind and loving mother you still perhaps on some innate level still want her to be. She is not going to say sorry, apologise for her actions nor indeed accept any responsibility for same. She has never apologised for your crap childhood has she?. It is NOT your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. If you have DC you certainly do not treat them like your mother has and tries to do still.

Would you have tolerated any of what your mother has and is still doing here from a friend, no. Your mother is no different. She is still trying to guilt trip and otherwise manipulate you here, she has not changed fundamentally since your own childhood. Your dad is her willing enabler/secondary abuser here. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.

Blame work if you need to but I would tell them now that your forthcoming spring visit to them is also off. Keep on with the broken record of, "no that does not work for us" when it comes to holidaying abroad with them. If such visits put you on edge then why do them at all?. Again you would not tolerate this at all from a friend.