"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's November 2018, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Mine slagged me off one too many times so I stopped answering the phone, which provoked defcon 1, which just made me even more determined not to talk to her. Within 3 months she'd emigrated in a rage.

My husband and I have seriously considered emigrating , getting away from 'dm' is a bonus.

Mine was an engulfing narc too. She does every single thing in this:
The only way to "win" (i.e not to go mad) is not to play, the only thing that has given me any peace is to remove her from my life.

I watched that vid this afternoon lol, as well as a lot by surviving narcissism. It's bad when you can check most of the boxes . Does anyone know of any narcissist s who change? Or is that just silly

They can't change.

Hi im wondering if i can join in to please. Ive been nc with my parents for over 5yrs now and at first it was just relief that im not being spoken to like a little girl who should know her place. As time has gone on ive had to have counselling as my head is a wash. Sometimes i think its in my head and im making more of it than it was, after all i wasnt beaten, was given food and clothes on my back, had holidays every year and i think im like this selfish spoilt cow for thinking that my mother was jealous of my relationship with my father, manipulative, gaslighted i was always making it up or too sensitive, treated us like trophies to parade around the community, hypercritical of every aspect of my life and was always wishing i was like someone else, controlling and the worst for me devoid of any emotion towards me. She never told me she was proud of me once despite my academic achievements. She never said i looked pretty. We continued this farce of a relationship until after 10yrs of trying to get pregnant me and dh lost our baby at 20 weeks. To say it changed me was an understatement, i pretty much wanted to die. She made out she was super bereaved, i was told get over it your not the only one to lose a baby. More concerned that my golden brother couldnt just get a day off for my babies funeral. Cried buckets in front of everyone at the funeral and took me aside and told me straight faced if ur that depressed get to the gp and get on antidepressants. All i wanted to do was talk about my baby but she told me to never talk to her again about it as it was too upsetting. Cut me stone dead. My sil was more worthy of her time as she was actually depressed as she had 2 children to look after. That xmas it all came to ahead, i had this burning resentment and 38yrs worth of crap came out in one massive argument on the phone. Everything. After the argument i was scared for my life literally, dont know why im a grown woman my own home job husband etc. Her last parting words were you will need me before i will ever need you. After a few months i felt free but grieved that i didnt have a mother who loved to spend time with their daughter like other mothers. As the yrs have gone on i have my own child now and i think of how young and vulnerable,e they are i would not say the things my mother said to me at that age, hurtful nasty comments what was wrong with her. My brother is pissed cos who will sort shit if anything happens to them. I dont expect inheritance lol not that id take it. Cant have contact with dad as he enables her and sees nothing wrong, it must be me im nuts. Sorry for the long post.

The problem with explaining to them that you are going NC is that it just sucks you into more JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) which is futile.
There just has to be enough bad shit hanging in the air for it to be obvious why you've walked away.

fc301 i kinda thought it was stupid as I wrote it haha.
In my situ, my mother has left tonnes of her belongings in my home (she's a hoarder) and i know she will want to collect it. I have no other family to leave it with. If im going to go nc with her, how do i navigate giving her back her junk? she has no friends for me to leave it with.

The title of this thread reminds me of what my mother said after someone challenged the way she treated me - "i bought her a £50 watch yesterday"

@Lifeisnotsimple your post has actually helped me too. We waste so much time worrying that we are making much ado about nothing. But then I think would we seriously inflict this much PAIN on ourselves by overreacting?!

Didn't say it was stupid x

Fc301 the thing is i know she has done and said many things as fact but i think your mind plays tricks on you. She does something nice and i used to think oh shes not so bad but ive learnt its theres always a catch you have to owe her forever for her doing the nice act. Low and behold if your not grateful. Shes uses it to throw back in your face at any opportunity your not behaving.

I find that the bad behaviour is so appalling and unprovoked that I have trouble believing it really happened!

Fc301 it does mess with your head and i too thought i was making it up until i told my dh about it and he can see it to. My dm is an actor. Oh your mum is so nice people would say and id smile. Knowing the truth. Its interesting how many people on here comment about not having friends. It was that way for me to. Friends cant be trusted. They dont have ur back like i do she would say. We were better than them. Cant shake that today too in grained and ive been friendless all my life no matter how hard i try. Im trying my best for my ds but some times i act like her and it scares me.

@Solliloquy I didn't tell mine that I was going to stop seeing her. There was no big row but she had been pushing and escalating for a few years and then she pushed one step too far.

I actually lowered contact at first, it went from twice a week but cut it down to once a week due to increasing my hours at work. The day that I cut out was the the day they would have come to my home. I still met them in town once a week for a coffee but that got cut to a coffee only rather than looking round the shops as well because as soon as she got me on my own, even if it was for just a moment she would say something poisonous. Then I used to miss the odd week here and there for various genuine reasons but also some excuses. In the end I couldn't be on my own with her at all, not even when my dad nipped to the toilet as she'd use the opportunity to say something hurtful. She then started making snide comments whilst my dad was there and i'd get 'looks' that told me she was displeased with me. Some weeks I would go and she would totally ignore me and there would be an awkward silence. I never said one word, never retaliated, I remained chatty but stuck to bland subjects from myself but still ask her about her life, if she ever asked me I told her everyone was fine, everything was fine. The only time I ever pulled her up was when I asked her to stop bitching to me about my dad (that didn't go down well at all).

Every time I met up with her was awful, it was something I was enduring not enjoying, her spitefulness had escalated into insults and barbed comments and it was as though from the iffy delivery that she had 'practiced' or pre-planned some of these. In the end one day I just couldn't face going so I messaged my dad saying I couldn't make it and i've not been to see them since.

An ultimatum wouldn't have worked with my mum, she would go all spiteful if I so much as sat in the wrong seat in the coffee shop such was her need to control and for her to be right and me to be wrong. The whole 'process' from lowering contact to not seeing her at all took about 18 months but it was never my intention to not see her. I would have been happy to continue with our weekly meet ups but she became so very unpleasant to be with that in the end I couldn't face it anymore. It got to the point that I 100% knew that when I went I was going to be emotionally (and intentionally) abused. She was never going to stop, so I had to.

fc301

I find that the bad behaviour is so appalling and unprovoked that I have trouble believing it really happened!

OMG yes! Snap, same here.

The day I finally had a witness to her weirdness I could have cried with relief. It wasn't even one of her spiteful moments, it was just weird.

She cried (no tears and peeping through her hands for my reaction) when my OH was there that in all her life no one had ever told her that they liked her shoes. I immediately took this as my cue to from now on to start complimenting her on her choice of shoes and made a quick mental note but at the same time I caught my OH's face, it looked something like this . Afterwards I asked him what he thought about what she had said and he simply said 'well, she shouldn't wear such shit shoes!'. It was a defining moment.

Norabutty ur a trooper to even keep going, the tension between me and my mother was stifling. I suppose having one big blow out made it final and it had to come to that. My dm has no bounderies im her kid which she would tell me (even though i was 30+ yrs) and she can say what she likes. Plus to rub salt into the wounds she would say but you dont have children so you dont know what its like. Knowing full well we were struggling with infertility. I was her property. I had no thoughts of my own according to her or opinions. Yes i lost all my family that day because she then went on an a campaign about how vicious id been and how she was such a helpless victim in all this. When my older brother rang me he said he was so scared to ring me because of what i had done and said. I just laughed because she was so predictable. I knew every line that came out of her mouth. Sorry there i am banging on about myself, how to keep low contact is very hard and emotionally draining plus if your having an off day and not on ur gaurd its down right cruel to your mental health. Its almost like a cat and mouse game, torment you enough. Did any of you find your dm would be hypercritical of mental health issues. Those people are stupid she would say. Maybe having insight to her own problems. But she would over emphasise all the time how weak these people are.

Can i ask what your gp were like, i always thought my nan was lovely but its recently come to light by a distant aunt who sprung up on my doorstep that dm is exactly like my nan.

I wrote a long post but lost it.

I was low to no contact with my toxic mother. She is now dead. I felt relief and no grief at her passing. She disinherited me and when I was younger she fought the will that my father had left, where I was left money on the basis that she would leave it all to me (and my other siblings).

She didn't, she left it to two toxic siblings.

She also made me and a younger minor intentionally homeless when we were young and so she wasn't pleasant at all.

But what I wanted to share, if I can join, was that because I live in another country from most of my wider family that my life is generally bliss.

However, recently I had my sister and bill stay with me for 3 days. My husband was away working and I have two young children.

They were horrific, they were awful.

My house at it's best was "cute" but they gave me a long list of faults, from the tiles to the walls to the curtains. Then there was the design too (never mind that it is a stand Victorian house that was designed centuries ago) but the entire design of the house was wrong.

I was asked repeatedly "so what is it you do all day??" (I am currently a sahm who is looking for full time employment).

My children are lovely (but I am biased) but were told off and criticised, they mocked my 5 year olds allergy making him feel sad and confused.

They told me an in joke of theirs was to call my lovely boy "mr annoying" and I had a little cry about that in the bathroom.

They read a school report stuck on the fridge and said the teacher was too soft.

My other young boy is sports mad and talks about sports they told him he didn't know what he was talking about, they made out he wouldn't be talented at various sports. He has a few speech issues and they would correct what he would say so he just went really quiet.

All of this took place while everything was paid for and they were hosted.

I took them to brunch somewhere we know well and the could not fault the food but they continued to complain about my children, to the point that a waiter came and spoke to the children telling them they are always his favourite customers to try cheer them up and offfered me some on the house.

This lot who visited are not even the most toxic.

But the impact for me lasted at least a month.

I felt really down about it which wasn't like me.

I really worried that I hadn't done enough to protect my kids.

I stopped going running and would eat rubbish food and it really got me down, I stopped looking for work and it really especially got me down about them being mean about my children.

Oh and after putting their eldest son and his girlfriend up for 3 weeks last year when they were travelling then have now hinted that they want their youngest son to come and stay with us when he is travelling.

I just said oh it is great all the air bnb that young people can get to these days and there are lots scattered around the city for him.

Their children are actually lovely but I have decided I just can't have contact with my sis and Bil. It isn't worth the impact on my health.

I have cut phone contact to next to nothing.

I used to video call but now only have audio and have made out a few times that the line isn't good.

Anyhow my advice is if you can limit interactions with toxic family members then please do it.

The short visit I described above caused a long term impact that really really surprised me. I was very surprised at the impact they had.

Also, thinking about your children and how you don't want them exposed to the same damage you encountered is a really good motivator to keep you on track and in healthy relationships.

Take care everyone

That really was long.

I only had my grand parent who was lovely

I never felt like a trooper when it was happening Life, I felt like a coward. It's been a few months, I can see more clearly now so I don't feel like that any more, which is good. I think I went along with it for so long partly because I had hope and wanted to be wrong about her. Also though, touching on what fc301 said, I found it hard to believe myself so when I told anyone I would feel like I was fabricating even though I knew for a fact I wasn't. I would also have quite a lot of '...but she's your mother' comments, and those made me doubt myself.

About the mental health thing, oh yes! I'd become pretty stoic in their company but about three months before I stopped seeing them I told them that I was feeling very anxious and that I was having my hormones checked by the GP. I only offered the information as i'd mentioned it on Facebook and my dad had seen it. My dad started flapping his arms about and squealing (which I think was supposed to be an impression of me) 'ooooh look at me, i'm scared of everything!' My mum laughed hysterically, and she never laughs. Her mask certainly slid off completely that day.

Yes yes yes to them projecting their own feelings onto others though, if she says that people like that are 'stupid' it's highly likely that's how she feels about herself. Mine sees all illnesses as weakness, it must be down to their lack of empathy. Or, because they're not feeling it - it simply is not happening.

Life My mum's mum was awful, a real nasty manipulative character, full of spite, jealousy and grudges. Her dad was kind to me and I have fond memories of him showing me how to use a penknife and do woodwork in the garage, they put a stop to it though, neither my mum or my nan liked it when I had fun with other people. Everything was just so serious.

My Dad's mum actually brought me up from a baby until I was five and went to school (my parents worked 12 hour days) My mum hated her and got jealous and would fly into rages if I so much as mentioned her name, my parents moved away when I was seven and I think it was to create a distance. Grandma was a character, she was no Mary Poppins but she wasn't shy about speaking her mind, she had a great sense of justice so it was a bit like 'woo betide anyone that crossed her' but in a healthy way. My dad's dad was lovely, so calm and caring, he didn't say a great deal but out of everyone I just felt without any doubt that he loved me.

I have wondered if it's down to my grandma actually spending those first five years with me that has made me maybe not so damaged. I felt totally neglected and unloved by my parents but I did get love from somewhere else.

Is your nan still alive life ? Mine have all gone now so all I have is what I can recall and some of that is a bit skewy as for a lot of it I was young and totally unaware of toxic personalities.

No nora all my gp have gone, my dm mother used to like a drink alot and i feel guilty as my mother was young once and this obviously has impacted on her greatly but as an adult she failed to recognise this or do anything about it. I used to think she maybe had not realised the connection and told her she went ballistic with me bringing in that sort of mental health nonsense. Ive spent 15yrs + analysing my mother, seeking different ways to why she is like she is. My gf died when i was 10 and all i remember if him is a quiet man. I often wonder was i making more of it and maybe i am nuts. Growing up for mum were the days when you were stoic and stiff upper lipped. So why was i making such a fuss this was just good parenting. But it doesnt explain the lack of empathy or nasty really vile get you on your own comments. The lack of empathy was so descructive, no warm. I remember being followed home by a local paedophile now we know. It scared me so much and i could t sleep, i must of been 11, i wasnt a street wise kid cos she never let me out. I asked if she would comfort me that night and she told me to get into bed with my younger brother if i was that scared and pushed me out the door me crying uncontrollably. She hated people wearing glasses and when i had to start wearing glasses at 8 she told me i looked ugly. There are many more incidents like this and as an adult and now a mother myself wtf says stuff like that to their child. Its not normal. Then im angry and resentful, you were supposed to be my mother. When we parted she said why have you become so hard and i told her cos id learnt from the best. I wasnt hard but had to be to protect myself from her, plus she didnt like she,d lost her grip on me. I think you know its not in ur head as a child i did go to another girls home for tea and her mum was clearly so different, not like characteristics but warm and loving its something that was glaring obvious like a ray of sun. I was so jealous of her relationship and still am today as they are so close. When you chat to other people about their mums you know there is something wrong and it is not in ur head. When i was having ivf, she insisted she came with me to an appointment, she took great pleasure in telling the nurses how its all my fault im infertile she told me to have my kids when i was younger, the 3 nurses were taken back and gasped, their faces were so shocked not me it was the norm for comments like that despite her knowing how much heartache it was for me. Infact she told me why get pregnant its so over rated lol. If others are shocked by stuff our mothers have said and done how can it be all made up and in our head.

Bloody hell, my bloody mother. Sorry, I just need to vent, if anyone has a similar relationship with their mother, please – let me know how you cope!

I’ll give some background but will try to keep it brief. (I’ve posted here before but not for a long time.) My brother and I were born, my parents’ relationship broke down, my mother left, married someone else and emigrated, my dad and his new wife got custody, primarily just to piss off my mother, as far as I can tell as they certainly don’t care much for my brother and I. (They can tolerate my brother who lives abroad, but they actively despise me so am NC with them all, including my brother. That’s another story.) Our childhood was quite abusive, and my mother would turn up once a year, we’d have an amazing time not being treated like shit for a couple of weeks, then back to not seeing her for ages. She would always make promises and then back out on them, was totally unreliable and just downright odd in many ways, she will always throw us over for whatever man she is seeing, which led to me having no contact with her for most of my 20’s.

We finally got back in touch again after I was married and had children – we have similar interests and, on the surface, get on well. HOWEVER, she is still incredibly self-obsessed and is only involved in my life on her terms.

When a more recent relationship of hers broke down, she was shell shocked. She came to my house every single day (even though I worked from home) and spent hours talking about her problems, and I supported her, (even though it often meant having to catch up on work when my family were home in the evenings, or on the weekends.) This went on for a year or so, until she met a new boyfriend. She now credits him with her survival over the last few years – she “couldn’t have coped without him.” A while ago I broke my foot and was completely immobile, I couldn’t walk the DCs to school, couldn’t drive and was really fed up and housebound. I didn’t see her for the whole 6 weeks. I spoke to her on the phone, she told me her new boyfriend had done the same thing once and it really hurt. She never once popped in or offered to help me in any way. She offers to babysit and pulls out at the last minute, once causing my DH to have to cancel travel plans he made for my birthday. She knew what he’d planned, and that it was for my birthday, but just changed her mind and decided she didn’t want to babysit.

I’m sat here, really fed up again (mainly with myself because how bloody stupid AM I?!) because recently DH and I were planning a trip away for a couple of nights with the DCs, which would have been fun but it was partly so I could pop into some archives for a morning to research something I’m working on. My mother convinced me not to book it, saying she’d also like to come and it would be better if the two of us went so that the kids weren’t bored. I was in two minds but eventually agreed after talking to DH, and she said she would book it. She didn’t book it, she changed the subject every time I mentioned it and I finally asked her yesterday if she was still planning on making the trip. She’s now saying that she doesn’t have the energy and can’t think where I get mine from, and that I should just relax and not worry about going. Meanwhile I’ve lost the window of opportunity to take the trip with my family and don’t know when we will all have the same time off to do it again. And it’s like she’s trying to pretend she never made the offer in the first place, and has no idea why I’m aggrieved.

Mainly, I’m cross with myself – I actually said to my DH after she made the offer, that I would put money on it not coming off. I’m a grown woman in my 40’s and I’m still allowing myself to be affected and disappointed by her actions. It’s like I’m not surprised, looking at her track record, and yet each time I extend the benefit of the doubt, I’m disappointed. She lives half an hour away, but we didn’t see her over Christmas – we’ve seen her every year since my children were tiny, especially while she was single, but this year she spent the whole time with the new man and made it clear that she did not want to spend any time with us at all.

I’m sorry, this is really long, and there is so much more baggage involved in this situation, but after talking to her yesterday I found myself feeling the same way as I did when I used to wait for her to turn up when I was a child, only for her to let me down again. I’m a bloody adult, what is wrong with me?! I would never treat my DCs the way she treats me. I suppose at least I can thank her for that – my main mission in this life is to make sure that my children never have cause to feel the same way about their upbringing as I do.

Does anyone else have a similar relationship with their mother? Does anyone have any advice/coping strategies? I guess I just have to build up my boundaries and make sure I never put myself in a position where I rely on her for anything? I really am bloody stupid.

Sorry to just dump all of that. I'm catching up on this thread now...

Hi I hope you can still plan a trip away.

I wrote just earlier and my mother is dead and I went low to no contact.

I do remember being very young and my mum had gone on holiday by herself to see someone and it was overseas and a big trip and we were poor so never had holidays.

Anyhow when she came back she obviously felt a tiny bit bad about not getting me and my younger sister gifts and so she told me that her hotel room had been broken into and the children gifts were stolen.

I realise now that she just never ever bought any gifts but must have felt a bit of shame from someone else.

I think that since you invested all that time in your mum and she has shown you what she is truly like by not lifting a finger when you needed it then you know deep down what she is like.

Sorry I would go low contact with her but you have to decide what is best for you, it is your decision.