Husband has opted out of family life - what do I do?

[Beautifulseren]

My husband has never been a housework or cooking person nor has he ever bought a present for anyone ( including me). We brought our current house as a doer upper on a limited budget 4 years ago but he has not done any diy for the past 2 years leaving me to try and cope with things with help from my elderly parents. I have accepted him for the way he is and learned to live with his ways for the past 20 years, however things have now come to a head with regard to his engagement with myself and our children. He will get up and leave us all at the dinner table as soon as he has finished eating including at a recent family gathering, and then go and watch tv alone. He refused to come on holiday with us at half term and has used the rest of his annual leave on holidays away with his friends. He has opted to work over Christmas also meaning we won't get any family time then except Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Things have come to a head now as I have bought tickets to a local theatre on Friday for us to go as a family but he is refusing to come as 'he hates the theatre'. I am at a loss as to why he won't take part in family life with us as he says that he loves me and the kids but won't compromise on what he does and doesn't do as he know what he enjoys. I am keeping going with running everything for the kids ( sports clubs, parents evening etc) but am feeling like a single parent. What can I do?

You can leave him. Honestly; he’s already mentally left

LTB

No idea why you stayed so long tbh

He's way checked out. Leave him.

You can't make him engage, either he wants a family life or not. Sounds like right now he doesn't, so as your already doing everything you mite as well do it with the extra burden of having to look after him to and leave.

Grr without that is

I'm sorry but he doesn't want to be part of the family. Actions speak louder than words.

I don't think OP should leave him, I think she should tell him to leave.

Seriously, life is too short to waste with such a miserable man. There's no benefit to staying with him & I doubt the DC will thank you for it (if you think you're staying for their sake).

Sadly we are also in a lot of debt that he has run up buying motorbike and other toys for himself so I'm not sure how I would manage financially. I also have no family who live nearby so would have to move closer to them and away from kids schools.

There's a thread on here about living with a spouse with ASD. It might be helpful.
If that's off the mark, then I'd say he's doing it because he can. He can't be bothered, but someone else will do it? Great. Some men want to be fathers but have no interested in the detail of what that it.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. The bike and toys are family assets. They can be sold to pay down the debt.

I’m in the exact same situation as you. As much as it hurt, he left two weeks ago and I suddenly feel like a weight has been lifted. Now to rebuild my self esteem after trying my best for years and years to be the best/provide the best and getting shunned time and time again.

Asd has occurred to me as he has no friends that he is close to either as he doesn't keep in touch with them or doesn't go out when they ask him. However when I first knew him he had lots of friends and was socialable.

How old are your dc?

45

You don't need to analyse him or find a reason for his behaviour. He is what he is and it's not anywhere near good enough for you.

I'm just fearful that things are 'bearable' and that if I did leave it would massively affect the kids. Part of me thinks I have managed 20 years (although it is getting worse) I can manage another 6 till the kids are 18.

Check out “different together” website & forum for advice re asd spouses

Thank you I will

OP what sort of role model is he for your DChildrem though? You must realise that this is no good for you or your DH OR your DC?
It sounds like your DH is suffering from either depression or from ASD, however there are limits & you don't have to live with it, especially as he's not seeking help for himself

You're in debt because he's splurging money on motorbikes and toys! What a prick! I wouldn't allow it.

You need to start selling that stuff off for a start. No more holidays with his mates. The fucking cheek of him!

How are you allowing this!?

It's very difficult not to allow it as I'm not sure how I could stop him if I wanted to. It has got to the point now where I just do everything so we don't miss him if he's not here!

What happens if you challenge him?

It sounds to me like he needs help not for you to leave him. I would suspect he is suffering from depression BIG TIME. If I were you I would suggest to him to go to therapy with you and that you want to help him for all of yours sake,give home a while to mull it over. He may come round to the idea and if he doesn’t then you can call the last rights on the marriage possibily

He will just say he works 5 days a week so he can have what he wants it's his money and if I want more I should get a real job. I work 30 hours as due to debt I can't afford childcare to work full time as I get no family help either. When I ask him to be more part of our lives he just refuses and says why should he do things he doesn't want to do?