Husband has opted out of family life - what do I do?

[Beautifulseren]

My husband has never been a housework or cooking person nor has he ever bought a present for anyone ( including me). We brought our current house as a doer upper on a limited budget 4 years ago but he has not done any diy for the past 2 years leaving me to try and cope with things with help from my elderly parents. I have accepted him for the way he is and learned to live with his ways for the past 20 years, however things have now come to a head with regard to his engagement with myself and our children. He will get up and leave us all at the dinner table as soon as he has finished eating including at a recent family gathering, and then go and watch tv alone. He refused to come on holiday with us at half term and has used the rest of his annual leave on holidays away with his friends. He has opted to work over Christmas also meaning we won't get any family time then except Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Things have come to a head now as I have bought tickets to a local theatre on Friday for us to go as a family but he is refusing to come as 'he hates the theatre'. I am at a loss as to why he won't take part in family life with us as he says that he loves me and the kids but won't compromise on what he does and doesn't do as he know what he enjoys. I am keeping going with running everything for the kids ( sports clubs, parents evening etc) but am feeling like a single parent. What can I do?

Is this the model of a relationship you want to be showing your children?

What are you getting out of this?. You must be getting some needs of yours met out of this because why have you stayed with him otherwise?

You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works. Do not stay for the sake of the kids either, that is an appallingly bad idea here

Please don't waste any further mental energy trying to figure out why he treats you poorly. He does. And it is not your fault, whether it's been 20 years or not. He is in charge of his behaviour. I truly believe that you will be happier without that dark cloud over your head every day.

It sounds like serious depression and he is removing himself (emotionally) from a situation he can't cope with. Buying expensive, unaffordable things is fairly typical of that kind of depression; it is a self-validating thing, to prove to himself he exists. My DP has been in that state so I know the signs. Refusal to communicate, to socialise, to 'join in', to take any responsibility, to buy very dear things he doesn't really want, does this sound familiar? My DP loves me, I know, but actually doing things is so difficult - like diy, even though he's good at it and says he wants to do it. It hardly ever happens. But then one day, he does it. I waited 15 years for him to paint a door. Why didn't I do it myself? No, nothing would get done at all then because I'd have proved he isn't necessary and I can cope alone. Your DH sounds ill.

Seriously Op. Stop doing things for him. No dinner, no washing, no coffee. No invites on holiday days out. Dont buy food for him.

Do nothing.

If he wants to check out of family life, he gets none of the perks.

Sort your finances, then leave him.

OP, when did you get the word “doormat” tattooed across your forehead? Because that is how your husband is treating you, and you are so ground down you are permitting him to, without a murmur of protest.
How very dare he walk away from the meals you cook him and leave you to clear his plate! Ditto taking no part in raising his own bloody children.
It’s very late in the day, but you need to start establishing some rules and boundaries, OP. Either this entitled manchild steps up to equal parenting duties or you ditch him. You need to sit him down for a serious talk about the state of your marriage, and be prepared to isssue an ultimatum.
My best wishes that you find your self esteem, your anger and your pride and use them!

Is the coffee thing a joke?

This isn’t about depression or ASD. This is pure selfishness. You’ve shown him you’ll indulge it and is he grateful? No. He despises you and the rest of the family. This is selfishness and arrogance. He’s doing it because he’s got away with it for so long. Kick him into touch. He won’t get it of course. He probably thinks he’s a catch.

Do you want your DDs to marry someone like him, or DSs to become like him? If not, you need to stop this now.

There are tens of thousands of parents with ASD and depression and they don't act like wankers. Which he is.

Serious chat, lay it on the line and if he doesn't shape up pronto then LTB. But do some financial & logistical planning now.

He doesn't see why he should do whatever he doesn't want to do...
He is a parent and a spouse. That comes with RESPONSIBILITY. He is forcing you (by his deliberate inaction) to not be able to work full time (refusing to fund or provide childcare) that is ABUSIVE.
Furthermore, every day that your children watch you accept this behaviour and situation is reinforcing that this ok - do you want this for them? By taking a stand, you show your children that they should neither behave like him or put up with this behaviour from others.
I'm genuinely not understating how hard taking a stand is for you, but I'm SEETHING that you are being forced into a corner by the person who is supposed to support you! Best wishes going forward OP.

Try going on strike - just do what you need to do for your children and yourself. Look after yourself and be grateful to yourself. It isn't easy leaving someone but you have to start somewhere.
You are not breaking up the family you're fixing it - his inaction and selfishness has done the damage.
Start getting angry and use that as a tool.

This situation happened to me and while I was organising my leaving plans my husband was diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's disease.

Stop doing things for him immediately and make plans to leave. This isn't a life

OP, please tell me the coffee at 6am is a joke? sorry if it's obvious, but there are some confusing things on the Relationships board.

you need advice from a solicitor and to get all paperwork together - there is no benefit to any of you in this.

You need to get legal advice OP. Yes, the debt is joint but you need to stop him incurring more and more. Otherwise you will be trapped.

You mention elderly parents, who sound like they love and support you. Lose this man before he stands to benefit from any inheritance by divorcing him. That is quite important to realize. You are an asset to him in many ways - he contributes nothing to the relationship but leaves you to shoulder much of his responsibilities (the house/the kids etc).

He has checked out. He treats you with contempt. Let him check out. And as someone said, he will have to account for money he has spent if it is a tangible asset.

Don't delay. Get legal advice and also start putting together some money, any way you can, that he can't touch. You will need it.

oh - btw I have depression and anxiety. I cannot imagine treating a loved one this way. Actually, I can't imagine treating a disliked one this way!

Why would you want to stay with a man like this?

It’s sounds fucking miserable

As if to cement the situation he has been in the shed for the past 2 hours whilst I have been doing housework. He has just come in and said ' nice of you to bring me a hot drink whilst I'm freezing in the shed working on my (hobby).

We will be having a very serious chat soon once I have explored advice!

eggncress, I don't think you're correct when you say "actually, on separation debt becomes joint. It will be offset against any marital assets. His, while married though ( if it is in his name)."

There may be other unsecured debts, such as credit cards, car finance and bank loans that are in your joint or sole names. You may feel that you should not be responsible for your ex-spouse’s debts. If you cannot agree who should be responsible for what debt, the court cannot order a party to pay a debt, nor can it order a transfer of the debt from one party to another. It can however make a declaration as to who should be responsible for the debt and order one party to assist in the payment of the debt by way of maintenance payments.

If the debt was incurred for something you jointly enjoyed during the course of your marriage, such as a holiday or home improvements, the court is likely to look at this as a joint responsibility, irrespective of whose name the debt is registered. The monthly repayments and the applicable rate of interest will be considered by the court when making a decision as to whether the court will order one party to pay maintenance to assist in the payment of the debt. However, where there are assets available to repay debt, the court will generally expect such assets to be used to settle any outstanding debts from the marriage.

His motorbike/toys were not for them to jointly enjoy.

He has just come in and said ' nice of you to bring me a hot drink whilst I'm freezing in the shed working on my (hobby)

So every time now something like this happens you use his own line back and say 'but I don't want to do that, why should I? You don't do things you don't want to do'. He will bang on about how he earns the money. You can point out that you also earn AND do all the housework and childcare, so tough. As said above:

If he wants to check out of family life, he gets none of the perks.

Have you challenged him at all in any way?

What is the point of him ?

I have just completely ignored him. The children are just on there way up to bed so this is not the time to start an argument

Beautifulseren Do you know what? You deserve to be loved and appreciated.

Right now that big sack of potatoes is occupying the space in your life from where you should be getting support, love, and affection. He has done a right one on you. You are scrabbling around for the scraps he occasionally throws you, but it doesn't have to be like this.

And when your mind naturally turns to trying to work out why he does this - stop and wonder how much time he spends thinking about you and the intricacies of your mental state.

That is all. You have one life don't waste it on this set-up.

The fact that men exist like this boils my piss.

Is the debt in your name or his -or both? X