Husband has opted out of family life - what do I do?

[Beautifulseren]

My husband has never been a housework or cooking person nor has he ever bought a present for anyone ( including me). We brought our current house as a doer upper on a limited budget 4 years ago but he has not done any diy for the past 2 years leaving me to try and cope with things with help from my elderly parents. I have accepted him for the way he is and learned to live with his ways for the past 20 years, however things have now come to a head with regard to his engagement with myself and our children. He will get up and leave us all at the dinner table as soon as he has finished eating including at a recent family gathering, and then go and watch tv alone. He refused to come on holiday with us at half term and has used the rest of his annual leave on holidays away with his friends. He has opted to work over Christmas also meaning we won't get any family time then except Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Things have come to a head now as I have bought tickets to a local theatre on Friday for us to go as a family but he is refusing to come as 'he hates the theatre'. I am at a loss as to why he won't take part in family life with us as he says that he loves me and the kids but won't compromise on what he does and doesn't do as he know what he enjoys. I am keeping going with running everything for the kids ( sports clubs, parents evening etc) but am feeling like a single parent. What can I do?

What can you do?

Leave.

You are a single parent any way. Won’t make much of a difference. In fact it will make a difference. Sounds like if you leave then you will be living in a much nicer environment/atmosphere and actually know where you stand.

What kind of life are you living right now?

he sounds a bit like my father in law. Just a bit blooming dysfunctional.
He may not be a malevolent guy, but sounds like he's unable to consider other people's feelings (including yours)
FIL has got much worse since he's been retired and indulged a lot more. I see @AfterSchoolWorry has asked you what happens if you challenge him. If the answer is "Oh, sorry, didn't realise" or similar then you might be ok. If the answer is "How dare you even ask?" then, yeah, it sounds a bit intractable. Hugs. I'm sorry you're in this position.

Get some legal advice about the debt, finances etc, and maybe some support for yourself from Women's AId (just because he isn't beating you doesn't mean he's not abusive - he's lazy, selfish and belittling to you and the DC and spends money recklessly). Once you have a clear picture of the situation, you are better placed to know whether to leave, make him leave or whether it's best to stick it out until the children are adults (the last option is hardly ever the best one TBH: it's not good for either you or the children to live with an obnoxious man whose moods poison everything.)

Is this how you treat any of the people you love, op?

If not, why not?

It feels like you’re a single parent, because you are a single parent with a man child to look after too.! I presume he’ll happily eat the food you prepare and wear the clothes you wash?? But won’t engage with you! Shocking behaviour!

He won’t change OP, the kids are being brought up thinking that your relationship is how relationships work, do you want your dc either being treated like you, or treating people like he does? Leaving will teach them it’s not ok, and you could potentially show them how a proper relationship works if you meet a decent human

I am sure DH has undiagnosed Aspergers, like our dd, as he sometimes zones out of family life and hides in his den. I find I have to teach him to be social. He gets anxious driving to new places, hates social situations like wedding and parties, and is not very spontanious, he likes things to be planned, and hates change or disharmony. He is a computer programmer, and I think he relates better to computers, than to people, as he has become older, it has got worse. He does go out with the family, and does family things somethimes, but likes his time to calm down and regroup.

See a solicitor or two.

Stop cooking for him and washing his clothes. I'm serious.

Sri cooking cleaning and doing his washing, and when he asks why, say why should you do things you don't want to do....and MEAN IT!

Short of occasionally walking the dog and mowing the lawn in the summer he literally does nothing. He will eat his tea and then leave his plate on the table.
I think I have some serious soul searching and research to do but also that partly it is my fault for allowing it to go on for so long and partaking in it for so long.

STOP DOING, even!

He will have to man up with the child care when you (hopefully) end the relationship and he has to parent his own children on his own time. He will have to sacrifice his lads nights and holidays and wash his own fucking boxers.

Whereas you will have a nice clean house, a good routine, less house work to do, a budget to work to without someone else spending it all, and even free time.

So no more getting up at 6am to take him coffee when he wakes up for work?

Thanks guys I am feeling a little more supported now x

You need to ask him to leave. He’s affecting your children more than you know. You’d all be happier without him. You’re also showing your children that this behaviour is acceptable by staying. It’s not is it?
Get advice on the debt then ask him to move out

Is the debt actually in your name, joint names or his name? If it's in his name, if you split, it would be his problem. The toys/motorcycle etc are assets of the marriage and can be sold.

He would be expected to pay child support and possibly maintenance.

You work 30 hours, check out what you're be entitled to by way of top-up. You'd have a single person's reduction in Council Tax.

You could potentially get some of the debt written off if you can't afford repayments (although that damages your credit rating - but you can rebuild that over time).

You're essentially a single parent already, but with less control over your own life, money, happiness and future. I'd go the whole hog, personally.

People need to stop with the depression and ASD excuses here. The man is a selfish miserable manchild.

OP, think how much easier your life would be without this man, how you and the DC would be free-er and happier without him there. Focus on that.

Even if he is depressed there is no reason you should feel you need to stay with him. You are his mother not a wife to him. His depression is his to deal with. You can kill yourself trying to rescue people.

His lack of respect towards you is truly shocking.

He leaves his plate at the dinner table? That is lazy and rude. Just no respect at all. You deserve a better life.

"So no more getting up at 6am to take him coffee when he wakes up for work?"

Jesus Christ! Yes you need to stop that! And ask yourself why you've accepted doing everything and being treated so badly for so long.

Yes first of all stop - if he is checking out he can check out

Then prepare to leave - its is best for everyone even if you have to move

I have thought a lot about that recently and I think that I am almost fishing for any sign of gratitude almost like a small child - maybe if I do this one extra thing it will make a difference and he will be more present. I guess it's not worked.

I imagine that when you are free from him you will look back and wish you had done it sooner.

You will have one less person to look after and I also imagine you spend a fair bit of time and energy trying to please him and make him happy.

The finances will be tricky but he is legally responsible for the children and he may not even ask for split custody but you can get maintenance.

It sound horrible to think of a split for the sake of the children but for your own sake and theirs too I hope you find a way out.

Honestly, starting tomorrow, don't lift a finger of support, that's no coffee in bed, leave his plate on the table, no washing. Nothing. He has clearly not supported you in years. Turn a blind eye to all his needs (and mess) and just switch off and focus on your children and yourself!

I realise seeing an answer such as ‘Leave him’ is actually really not that achievable. Sure after 20 years of marriage you’ll get up and walk - anyone who’s been or not been in your shoes knows it’s not that easy.

Sit him down - tell him how you’re feeling and how long you’ve been feeling it and its gotten to the point you can no longer go on like this. Check he is okay - is he alright? Does he have things going on you don’t know about? Could he be depressed? Is the debt worrying him? Men suffer from mental health issues like we do too except the hugely struggle to speak about it.

If he’s fine, tell him what you want and by when. Tell him you’re giving it until (insert date here) and if there’s no improvement you want to separate.

Put a time frame and actions in place - e.g certain activities. It sounds crazy but you need some kind of structure - if you walk away feeling like you haven’t exhausted all options you’ll always wonder if there was more you could do.

Is the debt actually in your name, joint names or his name? If it's in his name, if you split, it would be his problem. The toys/motorcycle etc are assets of the marriage and can be sold.

Actually, on separation debt becomes joint. It will be offset against any marital assets. His, while married though ( if it is in his name).

So no more getting up at 6am to take him coffee when he wakes up for work?

Just ask him why you should have to do things you don't want to do? He doesn't.

It will be interesting to hear what he says. I wouldn't mind betting he says he has more rights than you to not do things as he earns more. If he does, ask him if you should start billing him for childcare, washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping ... and so on.