Husband has opted out of family life - what do I do?

[Beautifulseren]

My husband has never been a housework or cooking person nor has he ever bought a present for anyone ( including me). We brought our current house as a doer upper on a limited budget 4 years ago but he has not done any diy for the past 2 years leaving me to try and cope with things with help from my elderly parents. I have accepted him for the way he is and learned to live with his ways for the past 20 years, however things have now come to a head with regard to his engagement with myself and our children. He will get up and leave us all at the dinner table as soon as he has finished eating including at a recent family gathering, and then go and watch tv alone. He refused to come on holiday with us at half term and has used the rest of his annual leave on holidays away with his friends. He has opted to work over Christmas also meaning we won't get any family time then except Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Things have come to a head now as I have bought tickets to a local theatre on Friday for us to go as a family but he is refusing to come as 'he hates the theatre'. I am at a loss as to why he won't take part in family life with us as he says that he loves me and the kids but won't compromise on what he does and doesn't do as he know what he enjoys. I am keeping going with running everything for the kids ( sports clubs, parents evening etc) but am feeling like a single parent. What can I do?

In the nicest pay possible, what the fuck are you thinking, pandering to this knobend?

This.

You could have written this about my partner. He's currently living in the spare room saving up to move out. I wish he would go right now. He's a dickhead and I've finally accepted that he won't change because he doesn't want to.
I can't wait to have a clean house and not have his behaviour and mood constantly dominating my thoughts.
I've always been scared of getting to this point as he gets nasty and financily I know he's going to take me to the cleaners and do everything he can to make it hard for me. But I've finally realised that being skint is a better stress than what he puts me and the kids thru. I can be frugal and sell things and god knows there are worse off than me. I just need my mind and my home clear of his miserable domination. You do too. Please find the strength.

Have you ever challenged him?

How are the bank accounts set up? Joint or individual? Do you have access to 'family' money?

And yes, stop doing washing, ironing, cooking or anything else for him.

When I ask him to be more part of our lives he just refuses and says why should he do things he doesn't want to do?

Why did he get married and have kids then if he's not interested in being a part of a family? I don't know who you've managed to stay with this guy.

One question though, you say in your OP that he goes on holiday with friends rather than with you and your kids but then in a further reply to an ASD comment you said he doesn't have any friends? So who does he holiday with?

No violence.

When I say away with friends it is more a group with the same interests who go to the same events. He does not see them socially or contact them away from the events so I wouldn't class any of them as friends maybe acquaintances.

He has just come in and said ' nice of you to bring me a hot drink whilst I'm freezing in the shed working on my (hobby).

What are arsehole!

Please do explore your options and get legal advice. He will have to contribute financially and you're basically already living a single life, except with a whiny, lazy man child to look after as well.

He has had 20 years to act as part of the family. He has totally opted out. I doubt if the kids would even notice if he wasn't there.

But you might get a break. Hell, you might even get to put your feet up once in a while.

I have a similar story to comeongordon - little changed for the children as I was already doing everything. All day trips, meals out - ANYTHING was for a party of 3 because he hated everything except sitting in front of the TV with his hand on his cock.

Things did change for me. Financially I'm better off because I'm not dealing with his mismanagement of money. Mentally I'm better off because I've not got him sucking the joy out of life.

Theatre wouldn't be my favourite thing either and you'd not get me there weekly. But once a year I could put on a happy face and have a great night out.

He's a joy-sucking emotion vampire and you'll feel so much freedom once he's gone.

Fwiw my ex has a new gf and he's all day-trips/mini-breaks/restaurants etc. And my face is like this X 1000!

Since you need to earn more money start invoicing him for housework, childcare, laundry and cooking.

It may be appropriate for you to take on a greater domestic load as you are part-time. However, you should have an equal amount of leisure time to his so you can also pursue activities that you enjoy or just have some bloody down time.

It's bloody unfair to expect you to work 18 hour days 7 days a week working both inside and outside the home.

Separating is a process. Both a mental process and a practical one. Start thinking it over, the situation sounds intolerable

Jeez Beautifulseren
My H got up at 5.45 every day of his working life and left the house at 6.30. The last thing he did before going out was to bring me a cup of tea in bed.
And he still does. But an hour and a half later these days.

Meant to add, you'll be much happier once you've left him to his hobby and the freezing shed.

You’re asking the wrong question. It isn’t ‘why is he like this?’ but ‘why do I put up with his shit’?

You’ve wasted years waiting for a different him to show up, don’t make the same mistake by wasting more.

He’s an arsehole, that’s clear. What’s not clear is why you value yourself so little.

OP Can I leave you with this thought...I was talking to a very dear friend of mine the other day ..her husband is similar to yours ,,anyway she pulled out of her bag a list her 6 yr old daughter had done it was about who was most important to the little girl she wrote
mummy
brother
nanna
aunty jo
brothers partner
dog
daddy
I will leave that with you ..this little girl was 6 yrs old just 6 a baby still and she already knew that her dad wasnt important...it nearly made me weep ,,how my friend must feel I cannot begin to comprehend,

How are you doing OP?

Very similar situation here apart from the fact that my H does the housework to excess. The house is his pride and joy. He does nothing with us he can't cope with the mess or noise. Will always choose house or garden preening to spending time with his family. When the children learn to leave him alone (unfortunately they pIay up when he is homevto get his attention). I am convinced he has ASD as our son does. The only thing going for me is is I don't have any housework or laundry to ever worry about. My cooker is always pristine and the bathroom is always sparkling.