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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has opted out of family life - what do I do?

115 replies

Beautifulseren · 27/11/2018 18:55

My husband has never been a housework or cooking person nor has he ever bought a present for anyone ( including me). We brought our current house as a doer upper on a limited budget 4 years ago but he has not done any diy for the past 2 years leaving me to try and cope with things with help from my elderly parents. I have accepted him for the way he is and learned to live with his ways for the past 20 years, however things have now come to a head with regard to his engagement with myself and our children. He will get up and leave us all at the dinner table as soon as he has finished eating including at a recent family gathering, and then go and watch tv alone. He refused to come on holiday with us at half term and has used the rest of his annual leave on holidays away with his friends. He has opted to work over Christmas also meaning we won't get any family time then except Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Things have come to a head now as I have bought tickets to a local theatre on Friday for us to go as a family but he is refusing to come as 'he hates the theatre'. I am at a loss as to why he won't take part in family life with us as he says that he loves me and the kids but won't compromise on what he does and doesn't do as he know what he enjoys. I am keeping going with running everything for the kids ( sports clubs, parents evening etc) but am feeling like a single parent. What can I do?

OP posts:
Shybi · 27/11/2018 21:28

What an utter prick he is

Sally2791 · 27/11/2018 21:35

Of course he wants to stay -the situation suits him down to the ground! All needs catered for and he does f* all! Kick him out asap

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/11/2018 21:48

"So no more getting up at 6am to take him coffee when he wakes up for work?”

OP you do know that any caring person would bring YOU a coffee up for you to drink bed before he leaves for work!

puzzledlady · 27/11/2018 21:50

wtf - you are not his wife - you are his slave. And you dont even get paid for it. More fool you OP - im so sorry.

Your children are seeing this, and will act like their father, is that what you want? Leave - or kick him out. Go fast - this is no way to live.

ComeOnGordon · 27/11/2018 21:57

My ex was very similar to this - completely checked out of family life. Once he left life didn’t actually change that much for the kids - I had done everything with them before and I just carried on. He’s never had them overnight at his flat in then 9 months and only sees the kids twice a month at the most and has no idea what to do with them.

He’s a pathetic excuse for a father and as hard as life is, I’m so glad to be away from him. I’m just sad that his kids have him as a father.

PS (he was also having an affair which hugely contributed to him checking out of this family)

HugoBearsMummy · 27/11/2018 22:04

Bloke sounds like an absolute cunt and you deserve better. Sorry but each response paints him in a worse and worse light. Please leave ASAP for your children's sake more than anyone else's.

SandyY2K · 27/11/2018 22:12

This just boils down to selfishness.

People look for excuses and labels for crappy behaviour so often these days...but the word selfish exists for a reason and applies to a fair amount of human beings.

pallasathena · 27/11/2018 22:16

And the word 'doormat', also exists for a reason...

jelliebelly · 27/11/2018 22:17

FFS how has it got this bad. He comes in and says that to you and you say NOTHING!!! He sounds like a lazy ungrateful selfish human being and you are teaching your children that this is ok - sorry to be harsh but you really have facilitated this for so long that you have no hope of changing him now.

Get legal advice, find a decent paying job and leave him.

GertrudeCB · 27/11/2018 22:19

He sounds like a bellend.

Runnynosehunny · 27/11/2018 22:30

The only good thing he does for your family is earning money, and that is counteracted by him getting you in debt. The rest is all negatives.

BakedBeans47 · 27/11/2018 23:06

You sound really nice OP and he sounds like a tit.

timeisnotaline · 27/11/2018 23:41

But I don’t want to do that, why should I?
And if he says because he brings in money, follow it with I earn AND look after the children AND do the housework not to mention looking after you which isn’t easy, so I’m stopping that one. I don’t get any return from it.

Make that your mantra. Have these final discussions if you want but I’d say they won’t achieve anything. You will be so much better off without him, whether he’s depressed or asd or just a selfish asshole plain and simple (my personal bet, he doesn’t sound depressed).

barnburntdown · 28/11/2018 00:22

My ex was like this too...in fact I often used the phrase 'opting out of family life ' with him. Devoted all spare hours to his hobbies and essentially left me as default parent.

My ex doesn't have a formal diagnosis of ASD , but as a professional who makes diagnoses of ASD as part of my role he absolutely dies have ASD.

My children were 2 and 5 when I could take no more and asked him to leave. It felt terrifying at the time & my username refers to the phrase barn burnt down...now I can see the moon.

I have never EVER looked back...the burden of a third child was lifted...I was a single mum but no longer lonely . I rebuilt my confidence. He's still a useless sack of shit but I am no longer required to parent him. I've also when I least expected it met a beautiful man who has embraced family life.

Whether he's a selfish pig, or whether there is something else going on (e.g asd) you are not obliged to put up with this. I felt constantly invalidated (in an asd lit this is referred to as Cassandra syndrome) and belittled by his (in)actions so I really feel for you. You deserve better x

barnburntdown · 28/11/2018 00:24

And leaving him is fully justified. He won't change , but you will. You will flourish and so will your children . Stay strong. X

Blondebakingmumma · 28/11/2018 01:29

“DH I have been doing some soul searching. I want to be as happy as you are. I have been watching and listening to you and have decided that I too won’t be doing thing that I don’t WANT to do. So there may be a few changes around here. Would you like me to show you how to use the washing machine?”

user764329056 · 28/11/2018 01:49

Sounds like the epitome of loneliness, honestly going it alone would be better than this

MistressDeeCee · 28/11/2018 02:12

He's already massively affecting the kids by being detached from you and them and family life. He's bored and uninterested in you all. Kids are smart, they notice far more than you think.

He does nothing around the house, and doesn't want any of your company. your parents are elderly yet at their stage in life they have to help you because he won't.. He manages to buy stuff for himself that he likes, and has got you into debt. What's the point of him?

He's checked out of marriage and family life long ago, so it's accept that and stay, or leave and make a life for yourself instead of wasting years of your 1 life with a
self-absorbed man who is just too much hard work.

Why do some people always suggest special needs when a man is being ignorant? There are plenty of people with special needs that aren't this way at all.

prawnsword · 28/11/2018 02:13

Agree this sounds like a really lonely place to be, but the OP has become accustomed to it, like the analogy of the frog sitting in the pot of water until it boils....

The good news is that you know he won’t change, but you can - so you don’t have to be lonely anymore. If you scale back on catering to his needs & start up your own hobbies & keep yourself busy, out of the house etc, then you’ll find that you can quietly set yourself up, get those ‘ducks in a row’ and if/when the time comes you feel like you would prefer to live separately, then emotionally you will have already made a significant progress, so it won’t be like ripping a bandaid, raw wound to heal, etc.

If you decide to not want to share a bed together, you could move elsewhere to say it was disturbed sleep, up late researching something online, back pain etc ? Not that lying is good, however in this situation think you should put yourself first, because nobody else is, or will & you need to secure your future. You think he doesn’t want to leave & maybe for this one he won’t ? Who knows what will happen. Take care of your kids & you xox

Unusual0wl3 · 28/11/2018 03:30

It sounds like his hobbies and himself are the number one priority well above you, his children. I am wondering how you have put up with this behaviour for so long ? You need to make some changes, starting with he makes his own coffee in the morning. Has he ever made you coffee ? He sounds selfish, doesn't want to share himself or his time with anyone else. Do your children help with chores round the house and garden, because they ought to as well. Start making yourself a priority, do some hobbies yourself...

Lozzerbmc · 28/11/2018 04:56

I think some men in their 40’s (and at different ages) have had mums who didnt work when they were kids and so assume wifes do everything, BUT now majority of women work to help support the family, but this means we can be expected to do everything else as well, which of course is not fair. Men are very good at being selfish. My own DP is ok around the house he shops and cooks though would never even think of hoovering or cleaning in any way or even tidying up if someone came round! He loves but engages little with our DS, has rarely played with him (i’m the one playing footie in garden and racing games on xbox) despite me raising it many times. He would never offer to do anything like take DS to parties, swimming - now i tell him what i’d like him to do as fed up of waiting for him to offer! He’d be quite happy to be on laptop watching me rush round here and there at wknd when ive had a working week too!

I think OP you need to sit down seriously with him and tell him he needs to pull his weight around the house. That working and doing everything is taking its toll and you need more support from him. You need to STOP doing things for him ie cups of coffee in morning. What a cheek suggesting you bring him tea in the shed!!! Perhaps arrange a day out one Sat with a friend or start an exercise class one evening so he needs to cook dinner, and start doing things for you. You’re working you need a break too. You need to take control. You’ll feel better for it.

feesh · 28/11/2018 05:23

PLEASE don’t wait till the kids are 18 to leave him. That’s what my parents did and it really messed me up. I knew they were just tolerating one another and it really messed up my teenage years, when you’re trying to figure out relationships with the opposite sex. Plus, when my mum left (literally the first term I was at uni) I then had all this guilt to deal with that she’d clearly just been hanging around waiting for me to leave home before she could act. Plus, it meant I had no home to go to any more during and after Uni.

Leave. Now.

Huskylover1 · 28/11/2018 08:32

Please ignore eggncress advice about Debt becoming joint upon separation. I worked in Debt Recovery for a major Bank for 25 years, and this is simply not true.

When Banks/Creditors pursue repayment of debt, they can only go after the debtor themselves, or a Guarantor (if there is one) or a Third Party Surety. You would know if you had guaranteed his debt, as you'd have had to sign papers. If he took out Secured Loans against your home, that could be a problem, but that's wholly unlikely for the purchase of a motorbike. If the debt is an Unsecured Loan in his name (my best bet), no Bank or Creditor in this land can come after you for that.

Now, you might find that upon separation, that his Solicitor wants you to hammer out an agreement, whereby you agree to take less assets than him, to take account of the fact that he is left with the debt in his sole name, and sure, you might agree to that, if say the loan had been for something you both benefitted from, like a huge holiday or the purchase of 2 cars, and you were keeping one each, but, if the loans were for his bikes/toys, and he will keep them, then he gets to keep the debt too!

Sit down with a piece of paper, and work out how the finances would look if you were to separate. What is in his Pension pot? You are entitled to half of this sum, which is often taken in cash instead. You are entitled to half of all assets accrued during the period of the marriage. You are also entitled to be recompensed financially, for being the parent whose career took the back step. A good lawyer will be worth his/her weight in gold here.

Work out what Child Maintenance he'd be liable to pay you. Child benefit is payable to you. Your council tax would go down by 25%. You may be entitled to Tax Credits. Photocopy his P60, so he can't lie to CMS (many men do).

You may feel more empowered, when you realise that you can financially afford to cut this dickhead loose.

I'm amazed that you are allowing this behaviour to go unchallenged. What do you do with his plate, when it's left on the table? I'd throw it in his lap.

Please stop being a doormat. Your kids are learning here, than Man is King and Women are merely there to serve. It could mean that your son(s) grow up to be chauvinistic pigs, or your daughter(s) grow up thinking that being treated like shit, is the best they can hope for.

You can't do another 6 years of this bullshit. And stop getting up at 6am to make his fucking coffee. In the nicest pay possible, what the fuck are you thinking, pandering to this knobend?

My guess is that there's another woman. Have you checked all phones/e-mails etc?

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 28/11/2018 09:41

I feel for you i really do, but are you having the lie you want? are your children? i suspect not if you were honest with yourself. xx
My husband checked out of family life, in actual fact im not sure he ever checked in!! He was controlling and manipulative and 100 per sent in charge of the family finances, also putting us hugely in debt. Looking back now i realise the family unit was not geared around the children it was geared around him! He would sooner spend money on himself then the children and i was also not considered.
I suspect this is an abusive situation in more ways than one!! emotionally, financially etc. You probably wont see the full picture until you leave him.

I think regarding the debt you would have to prove that the debt was spent on his hobbies, i can imagine this would be hard to do, esp if its credit card debt! My husband spent a lot of money on himself and his hobbies with nothing to show for it, in the divorce it was seen as out debt. But it honestly doesn't matter, dont let this be a reason not to leave him. YOu need to decent advise from a solicitor.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/11/2018 12:15

Has he ever, in any way, been physically aggressive, OP? If so, you need to get your arrangements made before getting rid of him in case he decides to use violence again.
Also, be careful about the finances before you let him see you are in the process of getting rid - selfish men sometimes empty the bank accounts in order to punish their partners for standing up to them.

Basically you need everything in place so he can't do any immediate harm before he departs.

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