When you know a relationship will never progress, how do you deal?

[Itiswhatitisso]

So I have a relationship with someone - its not conventional but brings a lot of joy and fun into our lives.

But we are never going to be following the traditional romantic arc. We will never get married, do that sort of thing.

What we have now is all it can ever be.

How do you stop yourself from being sad about that and just enjoy each day you have together?

In a nutshell what I am saying is separate things

Are you unhappy
Do you want this to be your life
Do you love your dh
Do you love the om
Do you want to live with regret, or do you feel no regret
Do you want a way out
Do you want to stay as you are
Do you want your dh to have someone who loves him wholeheartedly
Do you want someone who loves you wholeheartedly
Can you compromise to this extent in life

Sit and think about all of those things.

in a second became an affair? yeah i dont think so...
must have played it out in your head many times, emotional affair, boundaries blurred, fantasies.... you started cheating emotionally first for a while.

Think it would never be something you would or could do? In one second a friendship turned into something more and I couldn't stop from falling in head first.

Get a grip. Just because you choose to do this doesn't mean everyone does. I was with exh for 18 years. Not all happy. Twice I met and had a connection with men. Both times as soon as it became inappropriate, I stepped back.

It's never taken me a second to go from being mates with someone to sitting on their dick.

I met my current Dp 10 days after I called it day on my marriage. It took us another year before we got together casually and a few months before out relationship became official. That's despite us fancying eachother like mad. We became friends. Really good friends. His relative is my best friend and she has never known him be so close to someone who hevdidnt have a romantic relationship with.

We had the spark. We had the connection. We still managed to wait until we felt the fallout from our marriages were done. We have been drunk together, weekends away as part of a group. His family don't understand why we didn't get together sooner. But we managed not to. To not hurt our ex's, to not make it too complicated, to think of my kids.

It's not that hard to not fuck someone.

@Itiswhatitisso - You haven't shown a single ounce of empathy for this mans wife in any of your posts. I find it quite upsetting, but perhaps it's how you can focus on getting what you want. I don't know.

@ReanimatedSGB - that's fine if that's your shared belief, but it's not for the ops husband and the guys wife here, who obviously chose marriage as a monogamous commitment.

I've read so many affair bashing threads.

Really? Can't think why...

*Yes at the the beginning there was a mad rush of finding yourself with someone, doing something you could never have imagined you would ever do. A madness about it.

Now, it's become part of the everyday part of living and you know this is it - there is what there is now, no more...*

Sorry to be a cold bucket of water here, but that was always going to the situation whether you got together or not.

Those sparks? That drama? That "need him in my life!" "couldn't stop myself" etc?

It never lasts. Actually, count yourself lucky. 'Cos the fact you won't leave your partners means you get to squeeze every last bit of illicit thrill and "madness" out of each other that you can.

You two actually getting together? It all becoming "normal"? Not so much.

Stats don't lie. Most people who get together with an affair partner don't last because it only works whilst its a fantasy and another partner is in place to handle the mundane/adult areas of life with you (so you two can keep things strictly sixth-form poetry). It's something ridiculous like 90% of affair-born marriages fall apart.

I count past relationships of my own in that. I learned my lesson.

So, yeah "enjoy" what you got. Any other option, the fire dies quicker. Of course, as with pretty much all these affairs, yourpartners probably will find out at some point. It's pretty inevitable. So brace yourself for that. On the plus side - it'll be plenty more madness!

The relationship will progress eventually. Most likely to an unholy mess. Why exactly can't you leave your husband? Or agree with him to have an open marriage? After all, he might want to get his jollies elsewhere too.

Hi, I understand what you are going through and given my similar situation I won't judge.

My advice: work out why you got into this in the first place. Is what made you choose this still worth the stress or the heart ache that could be caused to everyone involved?

Just don’t get it. If you’re unhappy try to fix it. If you can’t fix it leave. If someone could explain the error in my thinking please do. How can someone betray the one they promised to love and cherish? I’m just utterly dismayed at the way some people behave.

Do you really want to carry on like this?

"All the waily waily handwringers should perhaps consider that monogamy is not natural and trying to enforce it often makes people miserable."

You don't have to be monogamous but you do owe any partner the truth, so that they can decide whether they're ok with a relationship that isn't monogamous.

And op all this starcrossed lovers shit is so tedious, like you're not the first married shitbags to feverishly fuck in hotel rooms.

Do you really intend to deceive your respective partners forever, for the rest of their lives? Because my god that's breathtaking.

More like it'll be discovered or one of you will get bored or move on to someone new. Any of those scenarios will be varying degrees of miserable. Just have some self respect and get out now.

Well you probably will get caught. Your husband will leave you and his wife will stay with him!
It’s always the way, the wives always stay. Stupidly. But they do

People are not slaves to their emotions. You CHOOSE whether you act on feelings or not.

All the waily waily handwringers should perhaps consider that monogamy is not natural and trying to enforce it often makes people miserable.

Maybe the people who don't believe in monogamy shouldn't get married to the exclusion of all others then. Open relationships can work but only when all parties involved know they're open. It's the sneaking around and barefaced lying that destroyed me when my ExH had an affair.

It’s always the way, the wives always stay. Stupidly. But they do

Not this one!