When you know a relationship will never progress, how do you deal?

[Itiswhatitisso]

So I have a relationship with someone - its not conventional but brings a lot of joy and fun into our lives.

But we are never going to be following the traditional romantic arc. We will never get married, do that sort of thing.

What we have now is all it can ever be.

How do you stop yourself from being sad about that and just enjoy each day you have together?

It's not that glamorous in a lot of films. Ever seen the film Unfaithful, how would you feel if your husband found out and something like that happened. It's not beyond the realms of possibility.

I personally think you should tell your husband and let him make up his own mind. Personally loyalty is the number one trait for me in all relationships and if someone doesn't have the ability to be loyal then it won't ever work.

Poor you

I think you can't stop yourself feeling that its already too late and the only way is to:

stop the affair and cut all contact
or
continue the affair and suffer on

but i dont understand why you are so detached from reality and very laissez faire with oh one day i will address what im missing..

the saddest thing is that you will probably lose your own self respect and if you have children, they will find out and possibly resent you for it. your partners will move on eventually when this comes out - and it will as things always do - your lover will find a new younger replacement because lets face it we know the way he is with loyalty ..but you.
You have to live with this.

Affairs are all exciting until you get found out, which either you or he will because people generally aren't as stupid as you think they are and you are never as clever.

Also, would he still be as attractive to you if you had to pick up/wash his dirty underwear and use the bathroom after him? It's all exciting while you get the best parts of each other, I'm sure.

Speaking as someone who has had her life ripped apart by an affair (which I found out about), I can't have any sympathy with you. Don't gamble with other people's lives.

You need to be honest with everyone. Most of all with yourself.

What do you want?

If you want to be married then stop the affair and sort your marriage out.

If you want to be with the OM then end your marriage and hope it works out with him.

My ExH had an affair and the pain he caused was horrendous. Don't be the person who's greed puts other people through hell. If you're not happy with your DH then fix it or leave him. Liars and cheats don't deserve happiness.

When I was 29 I was single & seeing a married man for a very short time but found the guilt too much & finished with him.
I was in love with him (I'd known him for a while before seeing him) but I cut contact & got over it eventually.

Then before Christmas last year I was dating a man who turned out to have a wife & children. I dumped him straight away.
I still had to work with him which was unpleasant as I had really liked him but I just got on with it & behaved professionally.

So basically you can finish the affair & get over it, it's not difficult, you can learn to switch off your feelings for someone.

You should finish with this man & sort out your marriage instead, separate if you have to...

Grow up. Really hope your spouses find out they're married to deceitful, melodramatic gits.

Well, that's how it goes. It isn't fulfilling. It's one of the prices you pay. Take heart though, you feeling a bit down in the dumps about your extra marital shenanigans not lasting forever will be nothing compared to the utter devastation your husband and his wife will endure.

If you are not getting what you need from your marriage, you LEAVE. Not have an affair. An affair is a solution for the lazy and cowardly.

I left my husband when I had a 10 month old baby and no job. I would never have had an affair and made excuses.

I had a feeling this would be about an affair.

I've been involved in two, neither of which have come to light, as far as I know, after several years.

First one we were both married with kids. I knew I was miserable but couldn't imagine leaving my marriage. The affair only lasted a few weeks as fortunately he was emigrating. It was a very painful experience and he was an arse but, it showed me some of what I was missing. I realised that if I didn't leave my marriage I would eventually meet someone else so I decided to leave. It still took me a year to do it though.

Second time I was separated, he was married (no kids). To cut a long story short, I fell in love, ended it, he left his marriage and he's now my DP.

If you would be going mad if it weren't for your affair then you need to sort that out or (more likely) leave. You can leave. But, do it for yourself.

What a pile of drivel.

If you loved your partner, you would let him know you brought someone else onto the relationship. You would respect him enough to give him the choice of staying or leaving.

You don't love your family . You wouldn't risk damaging them for your own selfish gain.

I'm in the same boat, having an affair with a married man. We both made it very clear at the beginning, once the thrill and sparkle had gone, we'd call it a day. Problem is, I'm falling for him and can't imagine the sparkle going. The guilt is horrendous, but it's the sparkle that keeps it going.

That's because it's a fantasy. You're not living normal lives with each other. No doubt the 'relationship' is based on sex in hotel rooms and that kind of thing, of course you're going to feel only sparks in that situation.

How about a normal relationship with all the trials and tribulations of life, knowing about each others flaws, habits that annoy you, bad moods, each others children and all the other stuff that comes in normal relationships.

I agree with the PP who said you don't love your partner.

I really don’t understand people who are so adamant that they would never leave their partner, but yet they want and have affairs.

I guess it doesn’t make sense to me, if you’re so unhappy you actually want to have someone else physically, and mentally and emotionally then what on Earth is the point in staying.

No one likes change, but fuck me, I would rather be on my own than cheat on someone or be cheated on. And I speak from experience

Sometimes an affair like this shows you that your current official relationship is not working for you - and the affair is a good exit strategy. It sounds like this may be the case for OP.
Are you living with an asexual, OP? Or is he abusive in some way?

All the waily waily handwringers should perhaps consider that monogamy is not natural and trying to enforce it often makes people miserable. Sometimes getting out of an unsatisfactory marriage would be worse than staying in it and getting your needs met, discreetly, outside it (if the marital partner has no time for you or interest in you other than as a co-parent/financial contributor then what s/he isn't using s/he won't miss if it's going elsewhere.)

I think you come across quite narcissistic tbh. You say you love your DH and wouldn't leave him but you are happy to routinely betray him with this OM. You also mention having a family so what you are doing with this guy is going to tear your family apart if it ever comes out but your more concerned with how hard it is for you having to juggle?
Get your head out your ass and either put your DH out his misery and leave or end the affair.

Umbongo my understanding of people who cheat but don't want to leave are getting something else out of the marriage they don't want to give up. Financial security usually, or to keep up appearances. Wouldn't want to be seen as a single mother or struggle but quite happy to diddle around causing misery all round. It's all very selfish.

If you have an ounce of respect left for your DH, quit with the affair, and tell him the truth.

OP - you might be good at covering your tracks but have you considered your AP might not be so 'clever'. Don't you worry about his wife finding out and then getting in touch with your husband? You've only got to see some of the threads on here to see how easy it is to go into MI5 mode once you suspect something.

@ReanimatedSGB
If you’re that way inclined then just be polyamorous or have an open relationship, lots of people do, and they’re quite happy!

I should probably be telling you that my partner is abusive or that I've been depressed or stressed or had a difficult childhood and no good marriage role models.

Some of that is true - but it's not an excuse.

I'm being honest here because I've read so many affair bashing threads. Yes people get hurt, but they are a form of relationship with their own highs and lows and reasons for existing.

Think it would never be something you would or could do? In one second a friendship turned into something more and I couldn't stop from falling in head first.

But if you love him, and you’re deeply unhappy. Just don’t stay in an unhappy marriage, I’m not bashing you honestly, I just think that people staying for the wrong reasons will only end up in deep regret, you won’t be able to sustain this. And you will get hurt and everyone else.
imagine lying on your deathbed and thinking you stayed with someone for the wrong reasons.

Being happy isn’t a right, but if you can give someone else the chance of finding happiness rather than living a lie, then you should (this is your dh I’m talking about)

I know love is complicated and everyone says the grass isn’t greener, which is true to a certain extent, but either you’re a narcissist who is ok with all of this, or you’re living a shadow of a life and you should leave for yourself, not for the om.

Exsisiting isn’t living. Listen to all the people on here who have a lovely caring kind loving marriage with their other half’s. They’re happy. They wouldn’t need to cheat.