Complicated situation with husband

[Frazzled2207]

Apologies for the long post, I probably need to give a bit of context.

DH and I together for 10 years, two children aged 5 and 3. We've always had similar views on political and environmental affairs - in particular about global warming and how we harm the environment in other ways. He's taught me (and I'm grateful for this)to be far more environmentally responsible than I would be otherwise. We buy local (failing that British) stuff where possible. We're very aware of the plastic packaging problem and make choices bearing that in mind - we recycle virtually everything we're able to (sometimes at a cost) and we find other uses for stuff rather than throwing it out. The kids get what they want for Christmas but we don't get them (or each other) "stuff" for the sake of it. I use a car (necessary for my work, not his) but walk and use public transport a lot more than other local families - we are saving up for an electric vehicle. We've invested in extremely expensive solar panels on our roof.

Anyway, in part fuelled by the possible economic meltdown that we're facing with Brexit (another thing we're worried about but it's kind of out of hands for now anyway), he's been worrying about the planet a lot more of late and is now pretty convinced that 10-15 years from now (and certainly in our kids' lifetime) life as we know it will end. Global temperatures will rise to create catastrophic weather events and global crop failures. Oil will simply run out. There will no longer be enough to eat; there will be widespread famine and everyone else will be rioting in the streets.

He's a very intelligent man and reads well-researched books and articles on the matter, he's not crazy. His views are however I think at the extreme end of things. I think, possibly like most of us, that global warming is a very serious problem that threatens us all. However I believe that eventually, sadly probably after some other very sad weather or agricultural-related event, world leaders will be forced to act properly rather than dithering. And although global warming cannot be stopped, it can be slowed and its effects will be mitigated. Meanwhile technology will catch up and the world will finally start using renewable energy sources far more so than they do today. I can already sense a bit of a step change in the way British people view things - over the course of the last year people are stopping using throwaway plastic bags, cotton buts, palm oil etc. All teeny steps but they add up and eventually these things will snowball and the whole world will have to stand up to the problem and work collectively to mitigate it. And if it all does go to pot then it's probably further in the future than he thinks. That's my personal view, possibly a bit naive but I've always been a glass half-full sort of person.

He thinks we all need to act today. We need to become vegetarian (he has become one, and thinks I should 'search my conscience' when deciding if I should as well), we shouldn't fly anywhere again ,we need to pare-down our already pared-down Christmas. We need to start stockpiling food. We shouldn't buy anything at all that we strictly don't need. We need to stop using gas to heat the house and put the log burner on every day instead (a nice idea but not very practical). We even need to stop streaming stuff on the internet because it's so energy intensive.

To be honest I don't have the head-space to deal with all of this right now - I have children to look after and a relatively new small business to run. But I can't live with the constant doom and gloom and am now questioning our relationship seriously. We always (I thought) shared similar views but I never subscribed to his catastrophising. I am happy to listen to him 'vent' to a point but there's a limit to how many apocalyptic scenarios I can take. I honestly don't think he's mentally unwell, everything he believes in is probably true, but at the moment I am totally unsure what to do next because I can't deal with it. I'm wondering if some professional help is necessary, not to 'snap him out of it' but to help him come to terms with what is happening and help us hopefully lead a relatively normal life once again. And maybe to help us find some kind of middle ground that can help us move on.

I'd be really grateful for any thoughts on how to handle this.

If you think it is all going to come to pass then he is right that you should do all these things.

If you think that what you are doing along with tech will save the world. Then say that and don’t do what he is asking. You don’t need to be a vegetarian and can do Christmas how you want. He can not dictate family life. Thats a red line or flag.

If you think we are doomed then it would be reasonable to say why bother. Enjoy life for the next 10-15 years. I think you will breach his red lines with this approach.

Catastrophising is a mental health problem btw.

Thank you TT. It's an interesting suggestion saying let's try and enjoy life while we can and I would subscribe to that but I think the crux is which I should have mentioned in the OP that when the kids are old enough to ask us what the hell is going on in this world we can tell them what we did as a family to try and stop it.

Op saving the world aside, your dh sounds like he's suffering from mental health issues. I'd seriously consider trying to get him help. What you are describing sounds manic and very unbalanced. I think your dr should be your first steps here.

When I was a child there was a man who walked the streets of our village with a sandwich board which had written on it "The End of the World is Nigh ! Repent !"

Your DH reminds me of that man - some people take everything to the nth degree and they think that everyone else is doomed. I'm in m y 60's now and I've seen and heard people like that man - and your husband - all my life. The "End" still hasn't come .

I'd say that you need to assert yourself with him and stop just going along with this catastrophising . It isn't going to do you or your children any good to hitch your wagon to his star. He isn't thinking logically - someone in the family needs to and it had better be you !

Has he always catastrophised, does he catastrophise other things.
sounds pretty unbearable to live with.

We need to start stockpiling food. We shouldn't buy anything at all that we strictly don't need

Have you asked him what these 2 statements mean.

Strictly if you are stockpiling you are buying stuff you don’t need so adding to the problem.

I think your dc will be probably going to ask why they had to live like they are living and be on the first plane out of here.

Like the pp I am old enough to have seen it all before.

When I was young all the experts believed that we would be going around in flying cars and no one would work and we would live in a perpetual state of holiday mode because computers would do everything for us.

I think he needs to get his head out of the books and see what other people see.

Also if he is so big on saving the planet. Why isn’t he vegan?

I sympathise as my DH is similar. His is mainly focused about the government (evil Tories), inequality-we will end up as a slave class dominated by a minority ruling elite and he wants to run off far away from other people into the woods thousand of miles away. Global warming is something else he’s v worried by though...and Brexit

He is also a very intelligent man-degree/masters, reads widely, and I don’t think he’s suffering from mental health issues.

But... I cannot live like this-he is totally catastrophising and is making me miserable. We hve discussed divorce and he is trying to snap out of it and stop being such a merchant of doom as I just can’t poke up with it any more. I’d probably rather be dead from global warming than listen to his confounding misery, tbh.

He thinks everything is going to be dreadful in the years to come and everyone doesn’t understand or care and is just burying their heads in the sands.

I don’t know the answer but I feel the same.

Everything you mention is entirely possible... world over population is not helping the matter.. and in reality it could take very minor changes in climate to starve many countries out.
But it sounds like he's on his way to becoming a full blown survivalist... in my opinion teaching kids useful skills is appropriate (such as growing things & building things) , but there needs to be a balance and living now as well as safeguarding the future, but I can see where he is coming from, he wants to plan for what he thinks is inevitable and do his best for you and your family.

Earth has many very real possibilities for life changing events, such as an asteroid hitting us, mega tsunami from La Palma, super volcano in Yellowstone park to name a few.. none of which we can control.

In the grand scheme of things, one persons actions are not going to change the fate of the world... it's like a drop in the ocean..

But have you had a discussion with him to tell him what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not? As your OP is all about what he wants... eg: If you are happy to give him a stores room (garage or what ever) and let him crack on with stock piling, but are not willing to sacrifice heating and internet.

You don't have to buy into everything, but can accept parts of it.. like everything in life you need to compromise. (The main problem with anything would be if he's not willing to do so)

Btw I don't know if he's seen but the ozone layer is in recovery, and should be fully repaired in 50 years.

Hope it all goes well x

He needs to stop letting his ideas affect family life. It sounds like he does need some mental health intervention as well.

A lot of widely read, intelligent people have anxiety (generalisation but generally true) and a lot of people with anxiety are struggling right now because there are so many triggering scenarios & headlines everywhere. People with anxiety can take a normal fear (global warming) and catastrophise it (apocalypse) just as with a normal fear (my child might get sick) and catastrophised (my child will get sick in the night and stop breathing and I could call the ambulance if I heard so I can't sleep just in case).

Diffent kinds of anxiety show up different ways but does sound like an anxiety issue to me.

I'd look at trying to find some compromises. You say he's now vegetarian , that is one of the biggest positive changes he can make. Cutting out dairy makes a big difference too.

Could you look at perhaps cutting out meat during the week as a compromise. It would allow you to get more creative with recipes comma potentially saving money and as a family you're not having to make multiple meals.

In terms of the log burner, would he agree to do the maintenance and setting up off that and then you don't have to be bothered with it?

Similarly with Christmas, is there a way to make some small compromises?

Yes he may be worrying a lot, but the issues there are genuine. Just because everybody isn't concerned in the same way, doesn't mean that there isn't a broader issue, and by looking at ways of listening to him he may well feel more positive about the whole thing.

I’m not sure this is a compromise situation. It sounds like the DH has a serious problem and is trying to control the whole family as a result. Compromising in that kind of situation just makes things worse.

my DH gets a bit like this its seems to be a man thing , im not trying to minimise OP sorry if it sounded that way, Its similar to the community of doomsday preppers you get inthe USA where the family has a bunker under the house that costs €1000s . l hope hes not leaning that way OP. Other posters made great points about compromise, is there any way you could compromise?

Listen, realistically a lot of the things he mentions are going to happen in the next 20-30 years, well educated scientists and government policy makers in Defra know all about it and have done for years (I ran a public consultation exercise on meat substitutes about 5 years ago). However the horrible truth is (from interviews I did with scientists as part of that) that they will affect people in 3rd world countries really badly and in our country the price of food and energy will go up but as we are part of the seven or so richest countries in the world we'll be basically ok. Obviously Brexit makes that all a bit more moot but sometimes I think that we all run around with hair shirts worrying about our children and their future when it is the children of the poorest people who eke out a living as it is who are really going to suffer in all of this. I mean, we all do need to do our part, but it needs to be with a focus on the common good and an awareness that we have both power (to change our lifestyles) without real consequences (those will hit the poor hardest and first and most catastrophically). And so I would, in the nicest possible way, tell him to snap the fuck out of it because having a middle class tantrum about it is not helping anyone and is actively damaging the privileged lifestyle that - let's face it- none of us would give up to go and live on the banks of an easily flooded river in Bangladesh. Feeling grateful for this beautiful life, living it the best possible way (including not wasting things and being as responsible as possible) and enjoying the benefits it gives you, him and your children is surely a better course of action?

My DH is sometimes like this too, he is generally anxious and projects his anxieties onto certain scenarios and situations. I am the more optimistic of us.

It is good to live an environmentally conscious life, but the world (regarding climate change at least) is not going to be changed by the actions of one family. Does he know this? Is he trying to control the family setup to keep some semblance of control over a situation he feels he can’t actually do anything about? If so, then no amount of changes at home will be enough. Does he accept himself that his anxieties are over the top?

Why should the OP compromise? She should have to just because her husband is trying to save the world! He wants to be vegan - great. You don’t have to. To be fair - you and him changing how you live are not going to save the world - his telling you to search your conscious is very unfair. I would struggle to live with someone like this.

I have one like this and have learnt to manage it. Certain subject matters are generally banned from discussion - brexit is one.

I agree to certain measures in place ie a well stocked cupboard, ways and means of growing our own, keeping chickens, buying local, buying high rated equipment, Green sourced items etc and we are getting a hybrid car (again a compromise to getting used to the greener way)

His job is also around energy management and so get alot of pressure to green the house - the structure is an issue at the moment but in the long term yes good idea. Same for insulating what is a single skin house - which has its interesting moments etc.

But at the end of the day he smokes.....eats too much and loves his meat....so I push back on alot of things and say no "I" am not prepared to manage that.."here is the compromise" that I am prepared to do IF he does y.

So I managed to stop him having the contents of a small local shop in tins in the garage - when we never eat tinned stuff and wouldn't rotate it

I managed to prevent bunker building etc but have developed an interest in "wild" living and paring things down - I like having a none hived house for e.g.

We have to have internet for work so thank god for that

The world may not be changed by the actions of one family (although the Attenboroughs are giving it a go) but it will be changed one family at a time

I guess I am taking some of it onboard!

What part of the apocalypse will your actions prevent, in light of the other soon-to-be-probably 9 billion people on the planet?

Will you prevent enough damage being done to justify significantly damaging your quality of life?

If you actions will not make a significant difference, then don't do them unless you want to. Obligation is only a factor when your actions matter.

Stick to the average, or slightly above, the majority of the population where you live. That way you're secure that while you're not deliberately out to destroy your planet, you're also not sacrificing your whole way of life just to be able to claim moral superiority over your neighbours.

Maybe he could more productively use his time and energy badgering the general public by signing up as a volunteer, rather than his wife and family.

Just because climate change is real does not mean that the OP's husband is being reasonable here. He is using his obsession to dictate the entirety of family life and that is not OK, however sympathetic posters may be to the environmental cause.

He sounds quite ill.

Perhaps remind him that the planet doesn't revolve around the human race and to stop being so fucking self-centred and self-absorbed.

I mean, he's not actually wrong, he's right about most of what he says, but his reaction could be too extreme.

There's nothing wrong with being a vegetarian now, and sharing those views, he is fully correct with that. He's also correct that consumerism is contributing to the state of the world, so to want to pare it down makes sense.

Some people live like this all the time, I have a friend who does.

Very intelligent people often have these kind of obsessions with the end of the world, he maybe is feeling lost and spiralling a bit with the overwhelming feeling of not doing enough.
Listen to him, help him. he probably wants to be heard. Maybe ask about talk therapy if he will go so he has someone to talk to about all of this.

Until whole nations stop their environmental destruction of the earth then his little Home Counties one man crusade is going to do sweet fuck all!
It’s great to be aware and do what one can.

But what he thinks! I mean the arrogance of it! What makes him so special.

I know what you mean!

Last year my DH became really interested in a lot of theories like this. And while I somewhat agree - I don't have the head space either after parenting two toddlers all day!