Complicated situation with husband

[Frazzled2207]

Apologies for the long post, I probably need to give a bit of context.

DH and I together for 10 years, two children aged 5 and 3. We've always had similar views on political and environmental affairs - in particular about global warming and how we harm the environment in other ways. He's taught me (and I'm grateful for this)to be far more environmentally responsible than I would be otherwise. We buy local (failing that British) stuff where possible. We're very aware of the plastic packaging problem and make choices bearing that in mind - we recycle virtually everything we're able to (sometimes at a cost) and we find other uses for stuff rather than throwing it out. The kids get what they want for Christmas but we don't get them (or each other) "stuff" for the sake of it. I use a car (necessary for my work, not his) but walk and use public transport a lot more than other local families - we are saving up for an electric vehicle. We've invested in extremely expensive solar panels on our roof.

Anyway, in part fuelled by the possible economic meltdown that we're facing with Brexit (another thing we're worried about but it's kind of out of hands for now anyway), he's been worrying about the planet a lot more of late and is now pretty convinced that 10-15 years from now (and certainly in our kids' lifetime) life as we know it will end. Global temperatures will rise to create catastrophic weather events and global crop failures. Oil will simply run out. There will no longer be enough to eat; there will be widespread famine and everyone else will be rioting in the streets.

He's a very intelligent man and reads well-researched books and articles on the matter, he's not crazy. His views are however I think at the extreme end of things. I think, possibly like most of us, that global warming is a very serious problem that threatens us all. However I believe that eventually, sadly probably after some other very sad weather or agricultural-related event, world leaders will be forced to act properly rather than dithering. And although global warming cannot be stopped, it can be slowed and its effects will be mitigated. Meanwhile technology will catch up and the world will finally start using renewable energy sources far more so than they do today. I can already sense a bit of a step change in the way British people view things - over the course of the last year people are stopping using throwaway plastic bags, cotton buts, palm oil etc. All teeny steps but they add up and eventually these things will snowball and the whole world will have to stand up to the problem and work collectively to mitigate it. And if it all does go to pot then it's probably further in the future than he thinks. That's my personal view, possibly a bit naive but I've always been a glass half-full sort of person.

He thinks we all need to act today. We need to become vegetarian (he has become one, and thinks I should 'search my conscience' when deciding if I should as well), we shouldn't fly anywhere again ,we need to pare-down our already pared-down Christmas. We need to start stockpiling food. We shouldn't buy anything at all that we strictly don't need. We need to stop using gas to heat the house and put the log burner on every day instead (a nice idea but not very practical). We even need to stop streaming stuff on the internet because it's so energy intensive.

To be honest I don't have the head-space to deal with all of this right now - I have children to look after and a relatively new small business to run. But I can't live with the constant doom and gloom and am now questioning our relationship seriously. We always (I thought) shared similar views but I never subscribed to his catastrophising. I am happy to listen to him 'vent' to a point but there's a limit to how many apocalyptic scenarios I can take. I honestly don't think he's mentally unwell, everything he believes in is probably true, but at the moment I am totally unsure what to do next because I can't deal with it. I'm wondering if some professional help is necessary, not to 'snap him out of it' but to help him come to terms with what is happening and help us hopefully lead a relatively normal life once again. And maybe to help us find some kind of middle ground that can help us move on.

I'd be really grateful for any thoughts on how to handle this.

It does sound like a mental disorder; Bipolar, OCD, etc. I'd insist he goes to the GP.

The thing is it's not only inaccurate and impossible this doomsday scenario it's illogical. Why would you start stock piling food now for this world ending scenario in ten/fifteen years. If you really think the world is basically going to end why make your kids start having miserable Xmas's.

He needs help op, possibly as you said he spends his time at home he's talking on line to other fanatics, he's likely reading all the extremist stuff, but not the factual stuff, and getting sucked in.

However it's not fair on th children to be brought up in this environment. Instead if feeding into his fantasies, he needs to get urgent help for his mental health.

I like to point out that, for example, living ion Yorkshire means a vegan diet is heavy dependent on imported high protein vegetable matter, often from poor developing countries that then either 1) do not have what they need to feed their own population - eg Quinoa in Peru OR 2) they expand growth at the expense of wildlife - ie Palm oil and soy production

This. Difficult to be vegetarian/vegan buying local or only British products in the UK, specially in winter!

I think that for him this constitutes a paradigm or a worldview in which everything hangs together and certain things naturally follow
it's the Foundation of his thinking and his identity, thus hard to shake
every challenge strengthens his conviction

It's too easy to correlate some of the responses on this thread with the climate change denial on threads specifically about this topic.
This is basically about two people who did share opinions but one has started to have stronger opinions and to want to act on it more.
Given the number of people working on issues like this academically who share much of his outlook, this can be approached as an issue of difference of opinion rather than pathologising it.
There is plenty of on-topic material out there that he could be prompted to have a look at which could lead him to modify some of his views / certainty. The fact that he is merely talking about vegetarianism rather than veganism (when it's cattle farming that's the biggest issue re emissions) suggests that he is quite able to modify and tone down things for others where he has available information. (I'd assume he probably knows very few vegans offline and that it would be too much for his household at the moment.)

The OP says in her first post "he taught me" and I would suggest she does research of her own to be able to discuss on the same level as him and present him with alternative viewpoints and studies, rather than being an unequal partner in debates. Leisure internet use can be redirected to different topics for a few weeks.

@pennycarbonara I think it’s quite insulting to generalise about people who aren’t saying ‘he’s right; you should do what he says’. I’m in no way a climate change denier.

I think the fact this is an issue that some people feel strongly about - and, yes, climate change is a real problem - has overshadowed the fact that this is a man who has become obsessed with something and is then insisting his entire family modify their lifestyle in line with his beliefs/obsession. Anthropogenic climate change being a real thing doesn’t not mean it’s OK to moralise at your partner, try to control her actions and make the whole family miserable.

Thanks again for the responses. Last couple of days dh seems to be talking a bit more rationally and in a compromising mood eg agreed that I'd support him in becoming a veggie and that as a family we'd reduce our meat eating, but that I and the kids will not become fully veggie (yet). He's wanting to get actually involved with the Extinction Rebellion which I broadly support as long as he doesn't get arrested, which fortunately he doesn't want to.

But at times over the past couple of weeks he's been truly in tears over the issue and genuinely not able to think about anything else. He's doing ok at the mo. I suppose that's a common thing with mental illness isn't it, that sometimes you're ok and sometimes you're not . So I am going to encourage him to seek help. I think if more people in the world felt like him things could genuinely be looking up. But as we've discussed there is a fine line between being very concerned about something and being so obsessed about something that it becomes all consuming, which at times it definitely is for him.

If he's read a lot of new stuff recently, he might be mourning about it and take a couple of months to process it via thinking and wider reading - but if he's been that emotional about it all year I would also be suggesting he finds a counsellor. As with veganism there are people who specialise in these topics and who understand the issues and how to live with them without being continually upset. One who doesn't even keep up with the information isn't going to be a great deal of use on a specialist topic.

It wouldn't seem obsessive if he wasn't talking about it all the time - with a person or household who had made these changes and it was just how they lived, it would be in the background most of the time.
Most causes, political parties, discoveries and so on happen because of people who are dedicated to the point of what looks like to the uninterested like obsession. (If someone was an activist for the Labour Party, spent most of their social lives with other members, went to party conferences, they bought goods from workers' co-ops whenever they could - like a couple of households of flatmates I knew in my twenties - that person wouldn't seem obsessive to those who'd always known them like that, it would just be 'them' but if it was a new thing, or increased activity it might to some who tended to be sceptical.)

I do think you need to read stuff yourself when you can fit it in, and be an equal partner in discussions though and not just listen to his take. There may be things where simply different information and outlook could make a difference (depending how stubborn he is about listening to slightly different viewpoints).

Sometimes things are just a bit much and too inconvenient. No streamed videos at all would be a red line for me although I know the info this argument is coming from.
(And also the principle, which I'd guess he's trying to follow, of 'be the change you want to see in the world' - and wanting not to be hypocritical, as often middle class environmental activists seem - not to mention celebrity ones like Al Gore and Leonardo di Caprio - seeming imply others ought to live differently, whilst still enjoying all mod cons and more for themselves.)