Complicated situation with husband

[Frazzled2207]

Apologies for the long post, I probably need to give a bit of context.

DH and I together for 10 years, two children aged 5 and 3. We've always had similar views on political and environmental affairs - in particular about global warming and how we harm the environment in other ways. He's taught me (and I'm grateful for this)to be far more environmentally responsible than I would be otherwise. We buy local (failing that British) stuff where possible. We're very aware of the plastic packaging problem and make choices bearing that in mind - we recycle virtually everything we're able to (sometimes at a cost) and we find other uses for stuff rather than throwing it out. The kids get what they want for Christmas but we don't get them (or each other) "stuff" for the sake of it. I use a car (necessary for my work, not his) but walk and use public transport a lot more than other local families - we are saving up for an electric vehicle. We've invested in extremely expensive solar panels on our roof.

Anyway, in part fuelled by the possible economic meltdown that we're facing with Brexit (another thing we're worried about but it's kind of out of hands for now anyway), he's been worrying about the planet a lot more of late and is now pretty convinced that 10-15 years from now (and certainly in our kids' lifetime) life as we know it will end. Global temperatures will rise to create catastrophic weather events and global crop failures. Oil will simply run out. There will no longer be enough to eat; there will be widespread famine and everyone else will be rioting in the streets.

He's a very intelligent man and reads well-researched books and articles on the matter, he's not crazy. His views are however I think at the extreme end of things. I think, possibly like most of us, that global warming is a very serious problem that threatens us all. However I believe that eventually, sadly probably after some other very sad weather or agricultural-related event, world leaders will be forced to act properly rather than dithering. And although global warming cannot be stopped, it can be slowed and its effects will be mitigated. Meanwhile technology will catch up and the world will finally start using renewable energy sources far more so than they do today. I can already sense a bit of a step change in the way British people view things - over the course of the last year people are stopping using throwaway plastic bags, cotton buts, palm oil etc. All teeny steps but they add up and eventually these things will snowball and the whole world will have to stand up to the problem and work collectively to mitigate it. And if it all does go to pot then it's probably further in the future than he thinks. That's my personal view, possibly a bit naive but I've always been a glass half-full sort of person.

He thinks we all need to act today. We need to become vegetarian (he has become one, and thinks I should 'search my conscience' when deciding if I should as well), we shouldn't fly anywhere again ,we need to pare-down our already pared-down Christmas. We need to start stockpiling food. We shouldn't buy anything at all that we strictly don't need. We need to stop using gas to heat the house and put the log burner on every day instead (a nice idea but not very practical). We even need to stop streaming stuff on the internet because it's so energy intensive.

To be honest I don't have the head-space to deal with all of this right now - I have children to look after and a relatively new small business to run. But I can't live with the constant doom and gloom and am now questioning our relationship seriously. We always (I thought) shared similar views but I never subscribed to his catastrophising. I am happy to listen to him 'vent' to a point but there's a limit to how many apocalyptic scenarios I can take. I honestly don't think he's mentally unwell, everything he believes in is probably true, but at the moment I am totally unsure what to do next because I can't deal with it. I'm wondering if some professional help is necessary, not to 'snap him out of it' but to help him come to terms with what is happening and help us hopefully lead a relatively normal life once again. And maybe to help us find some kind of middle ground that can help us move on.

I'd be really grateful for any thoughts on how to handle this.

Your husband needs to smoke a big fat spliff every night
then he will be a lot easier to live with

(I apologise for my facetiousness, it does sound very difficult)

do you think it's unreasonable not to plan for what's going to happen

No one knows what is going to happen.

Years ago we were all going to get skin cancer because the ozone layer was depleting and the hole in the ozone layer was getting bigger.

This was as big a threat as global warming.

Steps were taken

Now this isn’t a threat. The hole is getting smaller.

So unless he moonlights as Mystic Meg he has as much an idea as the next person.

If he uses the terms going to happen then there isn’t really any use in living in purgatory and you might as well Christmas in the Caribbean and go to Las Vegas at Easter.

Why is he saving when as he said. it is going to happen.

and drive 4L Range Rovers

Which with the legislation already made about electric cars will be difficult! Things are changing at that level anyway.

As you've known him for years OP I guess you know the difference between him being anxious and him having strong opinions.

He does sound a bit too certain of his predictions about what will happen, which is rarely a good idea.

The social breakdown idea is appealing to a lot of people as it implies greater freedom for those who can manage, but in a densely populated country like Britain it's less likely than it might be in somewhere less developed or with large expanses of wilderness. A grubby sort of future where things are increasingly expensive with less scope for fun purchases, where public services have been chipped away further, where a significant proportion of people have chips implanted by their employers, eat lab-grown meat and GMO food, and on the news there are regular stories about massive famines and storms in far more places and on a greater scale than at present, doesn't provide the same sort of adrenaline rush. That sort of extrapolation from current trends could make one feel powerless, whereas planning for chaos gives greater a sense of control.

Re. Millenials, I was talking about people in Britain, not globally, as that's what's relevant here.

Sorry but it's clear science that the climate is changing, the data is all there. It's actually worse than being reported, I get anyone that feels grief after looking into it.

Having brought children into the world I think he needs to be prepared to compromise, and focus on giving them a good life instead of focusing on 'the world is going to end' doom and gloom. The children will not thank him for creating a very different home environment from their friends when they are older. Compromises might be doing interesting activity holiday 'staycations' some years but occasionally flying abroad, having heating on a low temp and wearing warm clothes/using fleecy blankets in the house, only running one small car (maybe a hybrid), walking and cycling where feasible and safe, avoiding packaging where possible, recycling as much as possible and so on. We only get one life - it's just not fair to deprive children because of your own obsessive beliefs.

Sausage101

So why bother doing anything if it is going to happen then there is nothing anyone can do. So why not enjoy yourself.

Logs might be renewable, but they don't half produce a lot of smoke, when they burn, unless you have a fancy burner that takes care of that.

@PickAChew we have a very expensive and fancy burner which makes our Burner very efficient.

Is there a specific type of anxiety that I need to try and get him help for.

While I'm no psychiatrist, his anxiety comes across like a form of ocd, only in his case, it's not germs or things left out of place that are the enemy.

all the zombie films have seeded the public imagination and made it easier to trigger people into anticipating apocalypse scenario's

Op I do think your DH may be ‘right’. I also think he is finding it difficult to deal with everyday life alongside that spectre. I wanted to say ‘get it in perspective - but actually it is a really scary prospect.

Would it help if he were to see it in terms of whether he can disproportionately help the scenario and ‘punch above his weight’ by donating time to an environmental campaign group or helping to lobby MPs or big business to invest in sustainability. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that one person can change government or local policy in a really major way that puts their own personal decisions about energy etc in the shade. To do that you need to be stable and not ruled by anxiety and catastrophe though.....

If you could find some books on CBT there will be stuff about anxiety in the wrong place not helping get things done. I seem to remember a really good article about dealing with negativity int he face of all this and not being sunk by it.

I hope he finds a way to feel fulfilled...

He is completely right about climate change.

But it does sound like he's becoming obsessive about what your family can do to mitigate it, and what you said about him living in a bubble does place him at risk of living in his own world where catastrophising is unchallenged.

You're a family so decisions around food, fuel etc need to be made together. That's reasonable. There has to be compromise - and compromise based on the limits of one man's efforts.

I really feel for you OP.

I work in one area he is worried about, I won't say which, but I'll tell you now, he's wrong. 100 percent, wrong. And the area I know scientifically, factually, without a shadow of a doubt that he's wrong, as a lot of his other concerns hinging off of it.

As such, he is not just wrong, he's ill informed. Thr area I am talking about is not subjective. It is factual.

So, I'm sorry op, he is mentally unwell. I don't know if it's anxiety, depression, whatever, not my place to diagnose him, not my field, but his catistrophising is not fact based, and he's trying to make you and your kids lives miserable based on his beliefs.

Too long on the internet reading rhe wrong stuff, not enough time reading the facts, with mental health issues added in.

Personally I'd be out.

@Bluntness I am really surprised. Do you mind giving me a clue as to what he is wrong about (PM is fine) as to be honest I find this hard to believe.

What was your (as a couple) / his rational around having children if he is so concerned about environmental issues and climate change? As obviously adding more people to the earth is probably the biggest way to increase your carbon footprint. Even if he's just started to think life as we know it will end in their lifetime. Did he not think before this that resources would be scare etc in their lifetime. I know this sounds goady and it possibly is a bit as he seems to be displaying a bit of male arrogance here. But I do want to understand the thinking behind this or the change in outlook.

I work in one area he is worried about, I won't say which, but I'll tell you now, he's wrong. 100 percent, wrong.

If you are 100% sure on this, and it’s ‘factual’, meaning the OP’s husband is definitely wrong and that he must be mentally unwell, please can you tell us what he’s wrong about?

There is one fact she's stated that he is wrong about.

And no I'm not willing to say, because I don't want to say what industry I work in.

I will say though it's not climate change or global warming so you can probably work it out.

Well, in a few more obvious things he might be wrong about, most people don't realise that paper and cardboard packaging often has a higher carbon footprint than plastic packaging (although this is obviously only one dimension of the issue), and plastic packaging reduces food waste; also currently a lot of plastic put into recycling bins in Britain isn't being recycled because of China and now other countries no longer importing it. (So reuse or reduce is more useful than buying liberally and chucking everything in the recyling bin.) And log burners cause pollution and contribute to worse air quality locally (and adversely affect some people with asthma and other lung problems). They are an aesthetic choice rather than an environmental one. And of course not all the oil will have been used up in 15 years time - but I assumed that you were giving a gist of impressions that he thinks reduced oil will be causing more and more problems by then, rather than saying he believed it would all be gone or would no longer be financially viable to extract that soon.

He has simply found religion. He has a belief system that for him is 'true', he is one of the chosen who can see the truth and he therefore has to live by the Creed.

You will never be able to argue with him because his belief is purely emotional - he will never admit this, because to him of course, it seems rational and logical. But it isn't, it is profoundly emotional, based on feelings and faith, and is religious in nature.

The question for you is how fundamentalist he is. Can he embrace people with other belief systems? Can he tolerate them? Or will he shun them for being part of/the cause of the problem that only he, as one of the enlightened few can see?

What Haffiana said
100%

You could also look at models of stages of grief, which are quite frequently applied re coming to terms with this stuff. He may well have seen this himself, depending what he's read. (NB sometimes the stages can co-exist. Maybe he is in a state of shock, anger and bargaining, and feels you are in a sort of denial.

Not a great deal of comfort but this sounds to me easier than being around someone in the depression stage.

An ex of mine from years ago whom I stayed in touch with, who had always been into peak oil etc (like nearly 20 years ago) had fallen into a depression stage when I last had a long conversation with him about it. He felt it was useless teaching his kids anything about how to manage in scenarios much different from contemporary life, because they would probably die horribly anyway. It was really frustrating! But I think because I'd been through more bad shit myself it meant I had processed it and accepted it more, because I'd had to do the same with other things. I felt that these things would be enjoyable for their own sake (e.g. outdoor activities) and/or have useful side effects like teaching them behaviour and skills that could be useful in a variety of ways, but he just saw futility and wanted to put his head in the sand when he didn't have to consider these things for work-related reasons.

I think someone who wants to actively do things - a way of both channeling concerns and making moral choices helps model a sense of agency and - something which most people in the thread are ignoring - on these issues a responsibility for communal resources and responsible sharing, something which most people have to learn about on a variety of scales, from the household and classmates upwards.

@Haffiana
With bells on
Religion is a way of coping with the world and all the horrors in it, it would seem that some people desperately need to replicate this feeling of belonging in other ways.

Nothing wrong with it inherently, unless you force it on others

I remember very clearly in the 1970s scientists telling us the North Sea oil would run out within 20 years-50 years later they are still pumping oil.
Life is a rollercoaster and no one knows what the future holds.Plenty of very clever people think climate change is exaggerated and is the new religion .I don't know who to believe but anyone who insists he is 100% right about the worlds future seems very arrogant or indoctrinated.
You seem to take a far more balanced view.
Sure you take some precautions but life is for living and every generation that lives enjoy things that previous generations couldn't even dream of.
Strewth I'm a Man City fan who could have foreseen 15 years ago we would be the best team in Britain and the wealthiest too

I am still waiting for the flying cars and robots that do all the house work and I was promised I would get them by 1987