Is this acceptable behaviour from DH? Very confused

[Verraten]

Last year my DH met a woman 14 years younger than him (we have been married 23 years). They had secret dinners, he sent her gifts, flowers, he changed the code on his phone, etc., etc.. I suspect (though do not know) he stayed at hers on a few occasions. I found out and asked DH about her. She was a ‘good friend’. DH told me I was being jealous, that I had got it all wrong. He got very sulky with me at his life being inspected.

Fast forward a year and have just found the following on his phone: a two hour late-night Skype call followed by these texts (when I was away). Is this friend talk? Lover talk? Or just ‘flirty’ talk?

OW: Night sausage … x [sends photo, but image itself wasn’t shown, just placeholder]
DH: That’s a good name for it ;-). Sleep well lovely penguin
OW: xxxxxxxxxxxx for Tiger
DH: I love that picture; email it to me please. You’re sooooo gorgeous
OW: ok night Lovely x
DH: You too xxxxxxxxxx

These messages were a couple of months ago. I know he still sees her “for coffee”.

I cannot challenge him on the above messages as he will turn the conversation into an accusation of my checking up on him (which I can’t really deny). But after last year I have become suspicious and while I fight it, it’s very hard to not look.

DH is loving, caring and attentive to me. I would suspect nothing if I didn’t know. But the words above have seared me. Is it OK to call another woman “sooooo gorgeous”. Am I fretting over nothing?

Good for you OP, good luck

Good you have found your anger. Keep it that way. You deserve much more than this lying cheating bastard.

Fucking hell, if my DH had that text exchange with another woman, even without the previous dalliances, he would not spend one more night under our roof. I'm outraged on your behalf. But I am agog that you are being so submissive about it all. I'd punch his fucking face in and throw him out within seconds of reading that utter tripe. But here you are. Still here. Still doing nothing. I just don't get it??

And they are still shagging btw. That much is obvious.

Good luck, hold on to that anger. Do not question him, he will lie. Get your plan in place. You do not have to justify yourself to him. You do not have to allow him a right of reply. This is your life he's messing with.

I would have been gone over the stuff that happened last year, nevermind those messages (incidentally the "Night sausage … x " That’s a good name for it ;-). Sleep well lovely penguin" ) would have annoyed me even more than the gorgeous comment. Best of Luck OP, stay strong, don't be a walk over, respect yourself because he doesn't respect you

25/11/2018 12:29SendintheArdwolves

You are right that you need a plan to leave and that may take a few weeks to put together.

But from your posts, it sounds like you are thinking "I just need to get my self esteem and strength up, THEN I'll be able to leave". This nebulous future point where you have "enough strength" to leave - when is that exactly?

Strength and courage come from ACTIONS - you act as though you were a strong, brave person and one day you'll look back and realise you actually were, although it didn't feel like it at the time.

But waiting around for strength, courage and self esteem to magically show up, while hanging around in a situation which is actively sucking the life out of you? You're like a person in a freezing lake saying "I'll climb out of this cold water just as soon as I warm up". You don't stand a chance of warming up until you get out of the lake, OP.

@sendintheArdwolves This is easily the best post I've ever read on MN.

OP good to hear you are getting angry. You need to. You deserve love and respect from a partner, not this. Get out and grab your own self respect, and live a happier life.

It's shocking behaviour on my part. He made that very clear last year
It's NOT shocking at all.
And who gives a fuck what HE makes clear.
He makes it clear that he has no respect for you at all.
He makes it clear that he thinks you will put up with this bullshit.
He makes it clear that he has no respect for you at all.
He's a liar and cheat and you are suspicious.
Guess what we do??
We check. We want PROOF (though goodness only knows why)
We do NOT want to throw away many good years without knowing the truth.
And the truth we must find.
And you did.
It's not shocking at all. It's normal.
We've all done it in that same situation.
Honestly, with me, Sherlock Holmes himself would have been proud.

He's done a right number on you for you to even think like that.
He's a cheat. He's broken his wedding vows.
He's a vile human being, but you believe your behaviour is shocking so you can't tackle it.
He's made it so you basically STFU!
HE has done that to you.
HE has made it clear you can't question it.
Just let him get on with it and everyone will be happy.
Yeuk!!!!
God he's a sleaze.

I'm glad you are realising you cannot live like this.
I'm glad you are finding your back bone.
Now get that self-respect up off of the floor and kick him out.

Good luck OP.
You don't deserve this.
Tell people. Get your support network in place and fuck him off!

Good luck. I asked my husband to leave about 8 weeks ago. Despite it having been on the cards for a long time and us both thinking it was the right thing it was still a shock and upsetting. 8 weeks on it was still the right thing and the shock has worn off. It wasn't anywhere near as hard as I thought and I wish I hadn't put it off for 2 years hoping it would all get better!

'Tis done. Had the conversation. A new life awaits...

Great! Well done.

Well done op.

Stay strong OP

Well done op

Well done OP. That must have taken a lot of strength.

Did he admit it op?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He's a bastard.

Onwards and upwards for you

How did it go? What was the outcome? And more importantly, how ae you?

I am feeling great. Well maybe not great but relieved to be moving forward. Not everything is clear but at least I feel ok about myself

It comes across the same way how I message my dp who I don't live with

Sorry haven't read the thread

Well done. How did he take it and how do you feel now?

Be prepared to feel worse before you begin to feel better. You are probably riding on an adrenaline high now for doing the right thing but you will probably come crashing down soon. But you've done the right thing.

Well done verraten, though I suspect Yule is right, and you're going to feel worse before you feel better. But you've done the right thing.

Well done!
Stick at it, it feels like shedding a murky skin. Your self esteem will rocket from here x

So glad to hear that op