Is this acceptable behaviour from DH? Very confused

[Verraten]

Last year my DH met a woman 14 years younger than him (we have been married 23 years). They had secret dinners, he sent her gifts, flowers, he changed the code on his phone, etc., etc.. I suspect (though do not know) he stayed at hers on a few occasions. I found out and asked DH about her. She was a ‘good friend’. DH told me I was being jealous, that I had got it all wrong. He got very sulky with me at his life being inspected.

Fast forward a year and have just found the following on his phone: a two hour late-night Skype call followed by these texts (when I was away). Is this friend talk? Lover talk? Or just ‘flirty’ talk?

OW: Night sausage … x [sends photo, but image itself wasn’t shown, just placeholder]
DH: That’s a good name for it ;-). Sleep well lovely penguin
OW: xxxxxxxxxxxx for Tiger
DH: I love that picture; email it to me please. You’re sooooo gorgeous
OW: ok night Lovely x
DH: You too xxxxxxxxxx

These messages were a couple of months ago. I know he still sees her “for coffee”.

I cannot challenge him on the above messages as he will turn the conversation into an accusation of my checking up on him (which I can’t really deny). But after last year I have become suspicious and while I fight it, it’s very hard to not look.

DH is loving, caring and attentive to me. I would suspect nothing if I didn’t know. But the words above have seared me. Is it OK to call another woman “sooooo gorgeous”. Am I fretting over nothing?

It sounds like it's gonna be a matter of weeks before he gets a secret second phone, tbh.

It's easy to hide a mistress once you figure out how your wife is getting her clues from. He already knows you look through his phone. He wants to stay married and fuck his girlfriend, ergo, he just needs to get a second phone.

We've seen it on here several times. "I just found a second phone in the pocket of my husbands gym bag, can this be innocent? He says it's an old one he forgot about/a work phone he insists he told me about /his mates phone he left behind in DHs car"

Even if he gives her up. He still did it.

What is it you're staying for?

It sounds like you're a pushover
Leave him, get angry. He's cheating on you

Your last post, Verraten smacks of relief. Utter relief that he won't leave you. You're taking something positive from that when really, this shitty man is keeping you in your place. This isn't a question of him fucking his girlfriend, he has an absolute relationship with her from what I can see from your first post.

Why would you want to be with a man who feels that way about another woman? You, in his eyes, are not enough. Why would you put up with that?

You are worth so much more and as pp have said, he will run rings around you because you are incredibly docile when it comes to taking charge of your position in your own marriage. He's the boss, he knows it - and you allow it, whatever he does. Fine if you're happy with being a cuckolded wife but not so great if you actually want a meaningful and happy marriage with somebody committed only to you.

I feel very sorry for you OP, your panic is tangible in your posts. It's a shame that your husband can smell that a mile off. I hope you'll find some inner strength to tell him 'no more' and mean it but of course, you'd never be able to trust him as he lies to you - and protests his fake innocence hard enough so you swallow it - and you do.

I hope you can find some real life friends/family to talk this through with because this is prolonged and sustained emotional abuse... and he's laughing at you.

Sounds like you're an absolute mug. Sorry OP. But I think if my husband did all that to me behind my back I think I'd be plotting his murder not asking him nicely to give up his OW so we could continue being happy families. I feel for you but you need to grow a backbone and kick the fucker to the curb.

Why are you giving him another chance? Please, please don't do this. This man has lied and lied and lied to you. He obviously has no respect for you.

Tell him that you know he's having an affair - don't tell him how you found out, just make it clear that you know it's true - and that therefore the marriage is over, and that he needs to leave.

Honestly! Put your big girl pants on and stop being a doormat.

What does that sound like ?

It sounds like the lobotomy was a success

This is how it’ll go...
You: Give up the OW
He: there is no OW, but if you insist - you can have access to my phone...

And then things will go on as they are.
OP - in this day and age - there is no way to have control over someone by checking their phone.
There are always ways to communicate and hide.
You said it yourself - he didn’t give it away in his behaviour. And you found by chance.
So - all he needs to do is to hide better. That part is easy.

However, maybe it’s the best solution for you.
If you THINK he gave her up, and have access to his phone - you can easily get to the point of believing the status quo has returned....

What does that sound like?

I think that for you that course of action is akin to a slow death by 1000 cuts.

When you lay down like a doormat, don't be surprised when people wipe their feet on you, OP.

If I found messages like that on my DH's phone his packed bags would be waiting outside for him when he got back even without his history.

Are you not bothered he has had sex with someone else? Eww!

You should have a much higher opinion of yourself and a much lower opinion of him.

My DH admitted to an emotional affair, we have therapy, I have full access to his phone, he has a tracker, changed jobs all that and his texts weren't as bad as your DHs. You snooped because HE was involved with someone else and some part of you knew that. You were right to snoop, he is having an affair and if he wasn't why wouldnt a friend be cast off IF it was causing so much upset, a wife should be respected and valued more than a flirty female friend. Don't be a mug OP, whatever you decide to do find your anger and determination and don't let him mock you with his faux anger and lies.

You know what he's doing, but want to magic it away. He won't stop. He knows you'll just roll over to keep your marriage.

Why do you think it’s okay for him to treat you like that? It’s so sad.

Life on your own really that scary that you’re prepared to stay in this sham of a relationship?

Honestly OP leaving a relationship has been the best thing to happen to me and many others. You can do it. You’re only putting up with this because you’re scared of leaving.

He

Will

Not

Change.

You've already given him another chance. He didn't take it.

It sounds like you're someone who will get treated like shit your whole life.

Sorry op but I don't understand.

I must admit to being gobsmacked when I read your comment about not having thought how you leaving would affect him! That's not your responsibility.

Do you really think you will get a different result by telling him to stop seeing the other woman AGAIN? He's laughing at you, rather than loving you. Please don't let him make you think you are crazy, or have imagined things either.

Get some self respect and kick him out right now. No ultimatum, no begging, no gaslighting. Just get rid.

Sounds fine to me. I definitely make terrible jokes about my vagina to my platonic male friends and call them pet names and we exchange messages with lots of kisses.

FFS

OP, my cheating ex would never have left me of his own volition: he was still asking to come back while planning to marry the present MrsShitbag.

I stayed for a long time, thinking the pain of not being with him would be worse than the pain of staying. Spoilers: it wasn't.

It was a huge relief when I finally made that jump, that weight of pain finally gone. It helps that it was all my own choice to end it, I think.

Maybe you're not there yet, but it sounds like you're preparing yourself for the end, at least.

I think we're all wasting our time on here.

Why, Kittykat? Because OP isn't rushing to breathlessly update? Your post is really quite rude.

OP has a hell of a lot to take in just from what she's seen, heard from her husband. It's not her role to entertain mumsnet, this is her life and she owes this thread's posters nothing.

Whats the point if doing that? You know he is just going to lie and carry on. Dont ask anything just leave. He dosent care about you and has absolutely no respect left for you. Im sorry but he checked out of ur marriage a while back.

DH is loving, caring and attentive to me

because you allow him to screw another woman in front of you .. WTF