Is this acceptable behaviour from DH? Very confused

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Last year my DH met a woman 14 years younger than him (we have been married 23 years). They had secret dinners, he sent her gifts, flowers, he changed the code on his phone, etc., etc.. I suspect (though do not know) he stayed at hers on a few occasions. I found out and asked DH about her. She was a ‘good friend’. DH told me I was being jealous, that I had got it all wrong. He got very sulky with me at his life being inspected.

Fast forward a year and have just found the following on his phone: a two hour late-night Skype call followed by these texts (when I was away). Is this friend talk? Lover talk? Or just ‘flirty’ talk?

OW: Night sausage … x [sends photo, but image itself wasn’t shown, just placeholder]
DH: That’s a good name for it ;-). Sleep well lovely penguin
OW: xxxxxxxxxxxx for Tiger
DH: I love that picture; email it to me please. You’re sooooo gorgeous
OW: ok night Lovely x
DH: You too xxxxxxxxxx

These messages were a couple of months ago. I know he still sees her “for coffee”.

I cannot challenge him on the above messages as he will turn the conversation into an accusation of my checking up on him (which I can’t really deny). But after last year I have become suspicious and while I fight it, it’s very hard to not look.

DH is loving, caring and attentive to me. I would suspect nothing if I didn’t know. But the words above have seared me. Is it OK to call another woman “sooooo gorgeous”. Am I fretting over nothing?

Find your anger, op. He is totally in the wrong here.

I would make the necessary enquiries and plan the split. Then I would contact the woman and find out the truth ( but I think you already know that tbh). Not easy for you. Some women can live alongside infidelity.

Yes, everyone is entitled to some privacy, but the only reason he is demanding this now is to hide his behaviour.

If he was so shocked that you snooped on him in the past, surely he would be removing all parts of his life that were leading you to be suspicious? Such as stop seeing his 'friend'.

But he hasn't done that, and he has no intention of doing it. If he is confronted, he will try to make out that you ruined the relationship, not him, because of your lack of trust.

The truth is, he is not trustworthy and clearly has a very intimate relationship with another woman.

If you do decide to end it, I would be very clear with friends and family why you are doing this. Otherwise, he will be making up stories to avoid him having to tell the truth.

You're a doormat. That was excruciating to read - he's got you right where he wants you hasn't he??

Wallywobbles list is excellent.

That is genuinely how you deal with the worry of sorting out your future life. Bit by bit you make damn sure you understand how the finances will look after split. You need to get hold of all financial paperwork including P60s, pension etc, copies of all household passports. Leave all of that with someone you can trust.

Start to retrain if you need to. Brush aside any attempt by stbex about his life is being disrupted. Practice a few choice expressions - " I am doing it for me", etc.

Start to put bits of cash aside eg if you sell DC toys or something.

Not acceptable at all. So far across the line he can’t even see the line.

He’s really done a number on you, hasn’t he?

He’s gaslighting you and deflecting the conversation from his affair, to your snooping.

You know what's shocking? Sticking your cock in your mistresses vagina and then coming home and sticking it in your wife's, all the while telling her she's a jealous irrational nutter for suspecting exactly what you actually are doing.

Get cash back every time at the supermarket so you have a little nest egg without being obvious about it. I’d suggest as your starting goal you ensure you have equal to what your H spent on his ‘friend’ and then add to it. You can do this. You deserve better !

Ask yourself how you think he would feel if he found these messages on your phone. Would he believe it was just friendly chat? I doubt it

Nope! Don't care what he says (and they all lie, minimise & deny) I'd get ducks in row, get shot, get sti screening.

Oh wait...

That's exactly what I did! No regrets.

I had a bit more proof than you (ex not brightest left email logged in and didn't delete texts) but not a huge amount.

He admitted it several years after the divorce, when he was trying to get into my knickers the day before marrying her. Classy eh?

Ending my relationship left me almost homeless and penniless - still no regrets.

It's not acceptable to snoop on your partner if they've never given any reason to be suspicious. But your husband has given you reason to suspect him and you've found proof he is cheating, twice. You haven't done anything wrong, he has. It's all on him.

Why do you even need to mention how you know he's still having an affair?

You go see a solicitor now while it is all quiet because he thinks he is getting away with it. You get yourself sorted. Then some day soon when you are ready you say "Here are the divorce papers. I will not tolerate your affair any longer."

When he denies and lies you don't have to engage, you don't have to prove anything at all to him or anyone else. You can respond with "It is over between us. I know and I've known for a long time. How I know is irrelevant." You can walk away from the conversation too. He doesn't get to decide you have to stay in a conversation.

I had this with my extra husband. He used to get texts and e mails signed Tooty fruity. He twisted it to make me think I was in the wrong and he was allowed female friends. Eventually found out he had various affairs and I eventually had enough when I found out it was a 3 year affair with one of my friends!! He said he loved me- was a great father etc. However, that was the final straw and game over. He is still doing it now to his current wife!

End it. Men like that don't change. As hard as it is you have to do it x x

Ex husband not extra!!

This just goes to show how good a tactic unblinking denial in the face of evidence with a sprinkling of angry turn-it-around-on you is.

He's not a good and loving man: he's gaslighting you daily, making you out to be jealous and the one in the wrong, when he's cheating on you.

Blatantly cheating on you and expecting you to swallow it.

It sounds as if they're emotionally connected as well as sexually; the pet names imply that they are really comfortable with each other. This is more than just a fling/infatuation.

Get legal advice re divorce so that you're ahead of the game, OP. You obviously can't stay with him now, so start planning.

Really? Do you honestly have to ask. He is clearly cheating and being allowed to get away with it.

Thank you all. You have all told me what I think I always knew but didn't want to accept. I think I am actually through with jealousy (that was last year). Now I feel worn out from it all. I just don't understand how he can seem so normal to me. Still, there it is.

Thank you all again. Your encouraging words have truly helped. x

So what are you going to do, op?

Well I realise the fact that DH doesn't want to leave me (why would he, as some have pointed out), is to my strength.

So I am going to plan my route away. I am going to do my damnedest (for now) to forget the texts.

Then when I am ready I am going to deliver the "this is how it's going to be". He has to give up contact with the OW. If he (as I suspect) will get angry and accuse me of being jealous etc I will just walk away.

I have been so focused on me being scared and alone and wondering if life outside will be worse that I hadn't considered him. For him it will be much worse and (so far) I have shown no sign of movement that I will walk. So I have to be prepared to do so and do it. But first I really must calm down (I show my feelings too much I KNOW he KNOWS that I KNOW about the texts - he deleted them last night after he accused me of acting oddly yesterday - but refuses to raise the topic). So he'll be worse off if he doesn't give the OW up.

How does that sound?

Like Groundhog Day.

Sounds great for him, all he has to do is pretend to dump his latest lover and get better at hiding his mistresses and he gets no hassle of divorce, hysterical bonding with his wife, fed and served.
I have higher standards than to be with someone whos fucking around and blaming me for his filthy nob, but if that sounds good to you, go for it. Make sure to get regular STD checks.

How does that sound?

Like you’re happy being a doormat.

How does that sound? It sounds like he's got it made. He has a housekeeper and a lover. Lucky man.