Is this acceptable behaviour from DH? Very confused

[Verraten]

Last year my DH met a woman 14 years younger than him (we have been married 23 years). They had secret dinners, he sent her gifts, flowers, he changed the code on his phone, etc., etc.. I suspect (though do not know) he stayed at hers on a few occasions. I found out and asked DH about her. She was a ‘good friend’. DH told me I was being jealous, that I had got it all wrong. He got very sulky with me at his life being inspected.

Fast forward a year and have just found the following on his phone: a two hour late-night Skype call followed by these texts (when I was away). Is this friend talk? Lover talk? Or just ‘flirty’ talk?

OW: Night sausage … x [sends photo, but image itself wasn’t shown, just placeholder]
DH: That’s a good name for it ;-). Sleep well lovely penguin
OW: xxxxxxxxxxxx for Tiger
DH: I love that picture; email it to me please. You’re sooooo gorgeous
OW: ok night Lovely x
DH: You too xxxxxxxxxx

These messages were a couple of months ago. I know he still sees her “for coffee”.

I cannot challenge him on the above messages as he will turn the conversation into an accusation of my checking up on him (which I can’t really deny). But after last year I have become suspicious and while I fight it, it’s very hard to not look.

DH is loving, caring and attentive to me. I would suspect nothing if I didn’t know. But the words above have seared me. Is it OK to call another woman “sooooo gorgeous”. Am I fretting over nothing?

Screen shot that message and send it to you. Take his phone into the bathroom -and text her -
Can I come round later penguin - I'm suddenly free tonight, what can we do? xxx and see what reply you get -100% an affair.

You as others are saying -need to kick him out tonight not in 3 months. or 30 years.

I know you all (most of you) think I should just leave, but I really need to have a plan. It is just not feasible to up sticks right this second. I have been struggling with this and having decided that I've had enough is a major step forward. This is real to me. It's been YEARS. And the pain is intense but I have other responsibilities too.

I really am most grateful to you all. I'm sure you think I'm stupid even having to ask, but I guess that's me at the moment.

I will build up the self-respect I need to do the right thing here. I promise that to myself

Sounds like you’re giving him the green light to carry on as he likes as you won’t do a damn thing about it.

Well most people would be jealous that f their husband was shagging someone else. Pretty normal response.
Sorry to be so blunt op, you must be hurting so much, but please take some action xx

I get it Verraten. You do need to build up your self respect, strength and act but don’t prevaricate too long. Be aware that this situation is taking away your self respect and strength. It’s ok if you have decided to leave and are gathering yourself to do so but your earlier post suggested you would do anything to avoid leaving

WTF? Is this thread actually for real? I’m sceptical. You cannot possibly be this passive and deluded. Surely? If any of this is true, please read back out loud to yourself everything you have written. Things like “my behaviour is shocking”. Your husbands behaviour is shocking not yours. He is fucking another woman and fucking you at the same time. As well as that he’s spending your family money on gifts for her!! Why aren’t you angry and furious at this? Why didn’t you dump his arse last year? What the hell are you doing? He’s laughing at you behind your back!! Every time he’s sticking it inside her, he’s laughing at you. She’s laughing at you. You are a laughing stock to them. She’s texting YOUR husband calling him pet names! For God’s sakes woman get a backbone, get some self respect and get yourself a solicitor and get yourself a divorce. Screw what the other responsibilities are! Blow this arsehole out of the water! Take him for every penny he’s spending on her.

Verraten, you don't have to kick him out tonight no matter how earnest any poster here is. I think it's more important that you make a decision to yourself (tonight) that you will make plans to put a stop to your own suffering. That is either that you make plans to leave/divorce - or that you decide to come to terms and make peace with the fact that your husband has a full-blown relationship with another woman.

Not women - just one. This one. This one is special to him and he to her. If that's ok with you ultimately then no need to do a thing, just make peace with yourself that you are the one getting sloppy seconds, not her. He's not cheating on her, just you.

If on reflection you decide that you will not take more of this then decide that you will start getting your legal position clear. See a solicitor, get all the financial information you need and file that away somewhere safe. Use it as an exit plan. You don't have to act on the plan immediately - but you do need to have a plan that makes you ready and able to take the immediate steps to end your marriage, find a new place to live, move, change jobs, whatever - when the time is right for you.

There's a really useful thread pinned to this board about what you need to get in place should you decide to quit this fakery. I wish you well and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Don't have regrets in 5, 10, 20 years that you didn't do something to end your marriage if that's what you decide to do. Make it possible for you to do that and don't stop until you get that plan in place. You action it in your own timescale, just get the plan watertight and ready to go.

and for God’s sakes get yourself to a sexual health clinic and get tested. He could’ve given you all sorts. Herpes, crabs, HIV...your life is at risk if he’s dipping inside her and then dipping in you. The whole thing is disgusting. don’t let him play Russian roulette with your life.

Do you have children, Verraten? If so, how old are they and are they aware of this behaviour of their fathers? Of your complicit acquiescence? That is something to take into account if it's applicable.

You wouldn't want your children seeing his behaviour - or your acceptance - and think that this is a suitable role model for them to model their own adult behaviour on.

When I saw the title of your thread and started reading the details my heart sank. I cant quite believe that you need to ask.

You sound like you're living in a bubble with your husband where he makes the rules and dictates the reality including how you should think/feel.

I would usually wade in on these kind of threads but the dynamic of this relationship makes me feel very uneasy.

In his mind if he throws you some tokens of affection you should climb back in your box, stfu and leave him to do whatever he pleases.

This is emotional abuse plain and simple....If you stay in this marriage be prepared to be eaten from the inside out.

You are right that you need a plan to leave and that may take a few weeks to put together.

But from your posts, it sounds like you are thinking "I just need to get my self esteem and strength up, THEN I'll be able to leave". This nebulous future point where you have "enough strength" to leave - when is that exactly?

Strength and courage come from ACTIONS - you act as though you were a strong, brave person and one day you'll look back and realise you actually were, although it didn't feel like it at the time.

But waiting around for strength, courage and self esteem to magically show up, while hanging around in a situation which is actively sucking the life out of you? You're like a person in a freezing lake saying "I'll climb out of this cold water just as soon as I warm up". You don't stand a chance of warming up until you get out of the lake, OP.

Verraten, be aware that you will be unable to divorce on grounds of adultery unless you take.legal action before the six month deadline. You don't owe anyone here an explanation, but how would you feel if you give him the next 5 or 10 years and then he leaves you? You don't mention your age or whether you have children. He could be hanging on until the children are older / left home before making his move. If you stay, make sure you have regular sti checks.

And more x’s than an escort convention

OP the only reason he "wants you to respect his privacy" is because it's inconvenient to him if you to find out about his affair(s).

Stuff that.

Sendintheardwolves is absolutely right imo....Sadly though I think op will stay with this manipulative pos.

OTT but "sausage" is just a pet name, my dad used to call me that! "Night sausage" means "Goodnight sweetie".

British Used as an affectionate form of address, especially to a child.
‘‘Silly sausage,’ he teased’ en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/sausage

He thinks you are stupid, if he thinks he can do all this stuff and you will still believe he is not having an affair.

Why would you want to stay with someone who thinks you are stupid? Someone who might well one day decide to go off with another woman after all - making you look not just stupid for staying but also like the one who deserved to be dumped. Someone who is putting your health at risk - you are now no longer in a little STD culdesac - you are in the middle of a long chain of people having sex with one another. (She'll be seeing someone else, they might be seeeing another person...)

I kept my blinkers on happily, waiting for firm proof and thinking it couldn't be as bad as I imagined. When I got the proof it was a hundred times worse than I'd imagined. The lies he was telling both her and our friends about me, to justify his affair.

Do you see that you're clutcing desperately at your own blinkers?

How will you build up your strength and self-esteem? Got ideas?

I know many of you think I have been a doormat and you could be right.

These last 3-4 days I have got ANGRY. I feel RAGE when I think of the following characters "You're sooooo gorgeous."

I am going to do something about it. This week.

I have heard so many similar stories from you and thank you for rooting for me. I have had ENOUGH.

Wish me luck
x

Anger is an energy, as Johnny Rotten quite rightly. I'm glad to hear you've found some .

Good for you, Verraten because, if this 'love affair' ever ended, he would feel perfectly entitled to find another one. Nevermind your pain.

I'm glad that he's going to feel the pain of losing you, he deserves that - and you deserve to be happy again (when you're ready) with somebody to whom you are everything and you are only the gorgeous one. No other.

• the only gorgeous one, I meant.

Good luck OP. Time to stick up for yourself - you deserve better

Good luck OP

wow - you are the most passive person i have ever come across, your husband is/has been cheating on you, you have found evidence, but your going to do something about it 'this week'.

He must have you either really scared of him, or wrapped around his finger - at the moment, he is having his cake and eating it, and your allowing him to.

Whatever you decide to do (and i sadly believe you are willing to stay with him because of how you have handled this) i wish you the best of luck - you deserve so much more but you need to believe that yourself. You dont yet.

I don't know how to read this, it seems you wish him to tell him he will stop seeing her. Which he surely will tell you just as surely as he will not stop seeing her.

And then what, you just pretend he isn't seeing her any more and carry on as normal? Hoping he doesn't leave you for her?

Is this the only way you see forward?

I don't think that you just need to up sticks and LTB. I think you need to be clever and to coin a favourite MN phrase: Get Your Ducks in a Row. Do some more digging.

There is a reason the photo she sent is no longer there and he wanted it emailed to him. You need to get access to his phone and emails. Try and see if you can get his pass code, either by watching him put it in or by guessing it (it will have some relevance). Or if its finger print, I remember a thread where the OP used their DPs fingerprint whilst they were asleep (after a glass or two of wine)