Is this acceptable behaviour from DH? Very confused

[Verraten]

Last year my DH met a woman 14 years younger than him (we have been married 23 years). They had secret dinners, he sent her gifts, flowers, he changed the code on his phone, etc., etc.. I suspect (though do not know) he stayed at hers on a few occasions. I found out and asked DH about her. She was a ‘good friend’. DH told me I was being jealous, that I had got it all wrong. He got very sulky with me at his life being inspected.

Fast forward a year and have just found the following on his phone: a two hour late-night Skype call followed by these texts (when I was away). Is this friend talk? Lover talk? Or just ‘flirty’ talk?

OW: Night sausage … x [sends photo, but image itself wasn’t shown, just placeholder]
DH: That’s a good name for it ;-). Sleep well lovely penguin
OW: xxxxxxxxxxxx for Tiger
DH: I love that picture; email it to me please. You’re sooooo gorgeous
OW: ok night Lovely x
DH: You too xxxxxxxxxx

These messages were a couple of months ago. I know he still sees her “for coffee”.

I cannot challenge him on the above messages as he will turn the conversation into an accusation of my checking up on him (which I can’t really deny). But after last year I have become suspicious and while I fight it, it’s very hard to not look.

DH is loving, caring and attentive to me. I would suspect nothing if I didn’t know. But the words above have seared me. Is it OK to call another woman “sooooo gorgeous”. Am I fretting over nothing?

It's such a shock when you find evidence like this, so be kind to yourself. You don't have to do anything fast, just do what's best for you in your own time.

You know he's having an affair. You know you're worth more than that. Start to think of a life without him.

He turns his phone off before he goes to her house ?! How much more obvious does he need to be ?!

Op this is so sad to read 😞 I'm sorry but as the others said by these texts it definitely looks like he is having an affair. I'm in a relationship and I would definitely not be talking to another man about his "sausage" and calling each other pet names!! The fact that he gets defensive when you bring up anything of that subject also points to him being unfaithful.

Obviously it's easier said than done but start thinking about getting rid. Why would you want to stay with someone who lies and cheats behind your back. He's obviously good at sweet talking you, but find your strength and tell him where to go! You deserve much better than that xx

this is a definite verboten...he is taking you for a mug - lovely compliant you at home doing the wife work while he is splashing the family cash and attention on a flirty chancer...bet she just sees him as a bit of fun/free lunch and deep down he knows which is why he says that he will never leave you. He needs to understand that your relationship was and is conditional on mutual respect and appropriate behaviour. it isn't you, it isn't you..your have upheld your moral boundaries..he is weak, foolish, selfish ...not good husband material it seems.

Of course he won't leave - it's called having your cake and eating it. OP I mean this kindly - please value yourself more than this, he is taking you for a mug. Don't be a doormat, get rid of him.

Hes having an affair, and they are in love.
Stop doubting yourself, and believe what you are seeing.

He’s talking about his “sausage” aka penis with another woman, do you really need to ask us? He’s clearly in a sexual relationship with this woman.

You need to pick your self esteem off the floor and leave his cheating arse.

I know I sound like a doormat, and believe me I want to give myself a good shaking, but I do feel bad having "investigated" him... even though I found "evidence". It's shocking behaviour on my part. He made that very clear last year.

It's not a great time to make a move as lots of other things are at sixes or sevens but this is making me utterly miserable (I took photos of the texts to remind myself I hadn't imagined it) and now stare at them several times a year, churning it all up. It's like picking at a scab. Pathetic, I know. And I'm not the least bit of a pushover in other elements of my life. I just feel like an absolute failure. And part of me still keeps HOPING that this is just "chat" even though I couldn't imagine talking in this way with another man.

Thank you all for your support.

• that should have read I look at the texts several times a day

As someone who felt like you do and hung on too long (Why?) I'd say chuck him out. Preferably today. Being alone is not as scary as you think.

Kick the liar out

Verraten

This is all on him.

You are not wrong and you cannot unsee what you have already seen here both by word and his actions. He has it well cushy between you as his wife keeping things nice for him at home and this OW as his current lover. He lies to you through his teeth when he tells you that you are the most important person to him.

Do not keep on doing the pick me dance here; that has and will only serve to make you feel a lot worse.

Seek legal advice asap with a view to divorcing him.

It's not shocking behaviour on your part, however clear he tried to make it.

His own shocking behaviour led to your distrust. You are just reacting to his shocking actions which anybody in your situation would. Under no circumstances should you feel guilty.

Really you know and you've already dealt with a good deal of the pain so that's a plus. Now you start getting all your ducks quietly in a row. Even if you should choose not to go through with it in the long term knowing the potential future will make it less scary.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.
Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.
While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets
Get the house valued
This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.
Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.
50:50 childcare is normal but sounds unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.
Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:
What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)
Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.

He made you feel bad but he gave you bloody good reason to do so last year. You were onto him and they say too that attack is the best form of defense. His attack on you was just him trying to defend the indefensible. You would never have done this if your gut instinct told you that all was indeed well in your marriage; you would have had no need to do so.

Do not do the pick me dance. Do look at Chumplady's website; it is a mine of good information for women.

This is all on him ultimately; no-one put a gun to his head here and forced him to cheat. He did so of his own free will and it is NO reflection on you as a person. If anyone has failed here it is he.

How much more evidence do you need?
How many more times will you let him get away with it?

He really is having his cake and eating it. He’s got her fawning over him and you at home blaming yourself.

Snooping is not shocking behaviour. You have my deepest sympathy, OP.

Ffs OP he's a fucking cheating bastard. And he's getting away with it right under your nose!

He's living the dream life (as far as he is concerned) I'd be chopping that sausage off him and his balls and I would be throwing him out of your life!

Why are you putting up with it?!

I think it could not be clearer. They are together and he's cheating. What you do now is up to you, but the situation is totally clear

@Verraten

It is your life and your choice how to life it. You don’t need to leave if you don’t want to, at least yet.
Plenty of women managed to live with turning the other way. It’s easier to do when you don’t have it rubbed in your face, but here you are....

For what it’s worth, it’s entirely possible that he does love you, and you arent imagining that he does.
And he also has an attachment to that other woman.

Most people who are having an affair do not leave. They have it alongside their marriage.
If the woman is younger and unattached - she’ll eventually put pressure on him to leave and be with her.
And often that leads to a breakdown of that sort of affair.
And he’ll move on to someone else.

Read a book called ‘State of the Affairs’ by E.Perel - you’ll understand more about how it’s possible for people in good relationships to still seek more.

Best thing you can do is to pick yourself up and snap out of having your life run by this. Get your own life to a place where your happiness isn’t defined by what he does.
Hobbies, friends, work - look for other inputs to your life they can give you positives

I always think that if a partner has no history of hiding things/cheating and has given you no reason to think they are being deceitful then it is wrong to snoop and check up on them. But that just isn't the case here. You had every reason to check and were NOT in the wrong for doing so, don't let him make you feel bad about that.

It's awful how blatant he is being about his affair, shows how little respect he has for you really.

OP you need to get angry. I'm so angry for you.

I'm really sorry, it sounds like an affair to me.

How you feel is valid and, if you do bring it up with DH he will act angry and hurt because he's been caught out.

There's no simple answer, but you could try counselling. Ultimately if you want to continue your relationship with DH he needs to break ties with this woman.

But you don't have to stay with him either. Xx

It's shocking behaviour on my part. He made that very clear last year.

Well, yes, it's in his interests to convince you of that, isn't it? I mean, it's utter bollocks, but it helps him out no end if he can get you to believe that.

If he makes you the bad guy instead of him for cheating on you then he gets away with it.

If he undermines your judgement on acceptable behaviour he can walk all over you and behave as badly as he likes.

Anyone whose primary concern on being caught out doing something despicable is "well if you trusted me you wouldn't have found out so you are the one in the wrong" is deflecting, manipulative, and a general bastard.

Or are the police wrong for investigating where they have grounds to suspect a crime has taken place? I don't see "well, you wouldn't have known I was a thief if you didn't go snooping" holding up as a defence.

He's twisted your perspective so he can retain control of you. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

That was really hard to read, Verraten. I'd say that it's gone beyond an affair, it's a relationship - a loving one - and you are actually the interloper/domestic maid here.

I imagine it's excruciating for you to realise this but you have and you know that this is what it is. Not only is your husband disrespecting you and the marriage, he is shutting you down at every opportunity when you dare to challenge him.

I could not, would not stay. The marriage would be over and he would be out of my life. If I were in your position now (and I have been), I would gather my facts, start thinking about how to extricate myself out of the marriage (and home) and make plans to do that... without telling him a thing.

I'd present him with a fait accompli when I was done and ready to end it.

I'm so sorry, this is a shit situation for you.

He clearly has a mistress/ow and he's spending marital assets on her.

Start looking at the bank accounts and get a good solicitor... he's taking you for a fool.