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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I blocked him... and now I reget it. Help!

64 replies

nonway999 · 23/11/2018 08:31

Hi all

Met a lovely guy on online dating. Both in early-mid 30's. We were dating for around four months. Everything was going well, so I thought. Regular dates, regular contact, met some of each others friends, I very briefly met his mum, etc.

We were due to see each other this weekend and I was going to bring up the "where are we going" conversation as it was all very undefined and it was driving me a bit mental.

On Wednesday, we were messaging and he himself was talking about online dating apps and I couldn't resist and initiated the conversation myself. His response really shocked me. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship (he told me on date one that's what he was looking for, so this was never a doubt in my mind?) as he is too busy at work/works too long hours. He said he knew I was wanting to move towards a relationship, so I thought it was unfair that I had had to bring up the conversation when he said he knew it wasn't feeling it a "While ago".

I feel like I've been strung along for the majority of the time. I really liked him. To make things harder, he said he is still "interested" and asked me to consider a more casual arrangement for now. When I said I would have to think about whether that's best for me or not (Stupid), he said that's fine, and for me to take my time, but then dropped in that he was going to be out of town for a large portion of December on a trip so he wouldn't be able to see me until the New Year?!

I just felt so hurt by how he was treating me that I did not reply, removed and blocked him on every platform; whatsapp, Facebook, Insta, etc.

I did this based on previous experience of the torture of waiting around for someone to make contact, and I knew the temptation to accept his arrangement and remain in contact would be too much for me.

BUT, not that I should care what he thinks, I'm now worried that blocking him was too dramatic and that he thinks I am crazy. I also left a lot unsaid (on purpose, as I felt he wouldn't really care anyway) that I am itching to say. I thought that blocking him would be a cleaner break and make things easier, but rather than sitting around thinking "will he contact me" had I not blocked him, as we only live down the road from each other (literally 2 min walk) I'm now just thinking "will he come round" instead. In some ways he was nice in his last messages, saying how much he thought of me and how he was devastated to not "feel ready" and now I'm doubting myself and wondering if blocking without replying was too harsh? Do I unblock and apologise for doing so and wish him the best like a 'good sport'? Can someone help a girl out here?

OP posts:

dontalltalkatonce · 23/11/2018 09:15

He's a player. He's not 'devastated' that he's 'not ready', he just wants to fuck around. That's fine, if you're honest about that at the outset. He wasn't. He lied and pretended he, too, wanted a relationship when really, he just wanted a fuck buddy. You did the best thing to block him. He's a waste of time for you, particularly if you want children. Move on.

juneau · 23/11/2018 09:15

If you don't want to be with him or be messed around by him, then blocking him was the right thing, particularly if you're worried that he might hassle you, but personally I hate this avoidance that seems to be the norm to ending relationships now. Instead of telling that you feel he lied to you about his intentions in the beginning and that his behaviour has been underhand and shitty, the automatic response both in life and on MN appears to be to block the person. In your case, you're now having second thoughts, but by avoiding telling him how you feel you're now struggling to move on. It's fine to block someone if they're making a nuisance of themselves, but IME it's better to say your piece and then agree to go your separate ways - that way there is no unfinished business making you second guess yourself.

Canaryyellow1 · 23/11/2018 09:23

He hasn’t done anything wrong tbh. He’s been upfront. He could have strung you along e.g. I think I might want a relationship... maybe with the right person etc. That’s stringing along.

And you did the right thing to say, no sorry not casual for me.

Sticking to it is hard, but you have no control over what he wants. Don’t blame him. Don’t be angry. Be kind to yourself and time is the only thing that will help. And dating again.

Original poster

nonway999 · 23/11/2018 09:33

Thanks so much everyone for confirming that I've done the right thing. I won't unblock him.

Canaryyellow1 I hear what you're saying, I do think he had strung me along though because he told me he wanted a relationship at the start and now, looking back, there were little signs there that perhaps he didn't and never did. I find it so frustrating when people do this. I just want to find someone to settle down with now, I'm fed up of dating!

OP posts:

Canaryyellow1 · 23/11/2018 09:35

Oh sorry I thought you said he had told you he didn’t want a relationship at the start.

I take it back.

Asshole!

Get yourself a good one. They are out there!

ConkerGame · 23/11/2018 09:37

OP I hear you, dating can be a long, hard slog. Please don’t let the bad guys put you off it altogether though - there are lots of good guys out there too. It is crap how long it can take to find one though!

Original poster

nonway999 · 23/11/2018 09:41

Thanks both.

You're right conkergame. I've been through so much worse, long relationships, and I always get through it. But this part is always the hardest!

I learn lessons every time. With this one, I think the fact that we'd been dating for 4 months with no "what are we" talk was a red flag in itself, if he wanted to lock me down, he would have. I should have brought it up earlier. If he had wanted a relationship with me, he wouldn't have been put off by that. And if he didn't (like in this scenario), I would have been done with him earlier and before I got as invested.

Dating is a long hard slog. Even harder when you have friends in long-term relationships, break up, go on one online date and they seemingly find the men of their dreams!

OP posts:

Notacluewhatthisis · 23/11/2018 09:42

I don't know. I met someone I really liked. But after a few months I realised I just couldn't be in a relationship.

That said, I knew that's what he wanted and didn't offer him FWB as a compromise. That's a bit shitty.

Blocking him was definitely the best thing.

Original poster

nonway999 · 23/11/2018 09:43

Oh and one thing I am sure of and have learnt before - being "too busy" for a relationship is nonsense. It's an excuse, everyone makes time for someone they like. As is "not ready for a relationship". I believe he is ready for a relationship, just not with me.

OP posts:

Sashaa · 23/11/2018 09:44

You're doing the right thing, he lied to you about what he wanted at the beginning to lure you in! Stick to your guns!

Original poster

nonway999 · 23/11/2018 09:46

Thanks notaclue. That's why this was particularly hard to walk away from, because he was saying he wanted to "continue things" and it took a lot of self-control not to give in to that.

Anyway. Sadly the chances of me bumping in to him are high as we live so close and both go to the same supermarket, etc. Oh the joys of dating & living in a small town!

OP posts:

JennyHolzersGhost · 23/11/2018 09:47

Hey OP, if you’ve got things to say to him which you want to get off your chest, why not say it here on this thread ! We can empathise and it might be cathartic. And no, don’t unblock him. If you see him in the street just do the breezy-smile thing.

keepingbees · 23/11/2018 09:47

You did 100% the right thing. You weren't crazy, you were protecting your own dignity and sanity. Sod what he thinks, he was stringing you along and in the nicest possible way he wasn't that into you. He's not worth another minute of your thoughts, put your energy into finding someone worthy :)

Canaryyellow1 · 23/11/2018 09:51

It’s a tough world dating. Been there. Soon to go there in my 40s again... yikes.

So you have my sympathies.

It’s like a battle field! You have to be a bit ruthless. But not unkind

One thing I found rewarding, was just being in the company of men who, like me, just wanted love really. Had several dates, none led to love. A few sex. A few real let downs. But mostly I didn’t have sex, I met lots of men that were lovely, not for me vice versa, but interesting to spend a dinner or a lunch and just relate lives, stories. So I’d recommend that, relaxing a bit at dates. Seeing that most will be fleeting friends, but they will help you on your journey, and you will help them.

Eventually I found a man in a bar totally by accident! Through a friend. You will find it.

Urchinella · 23/11/2018 09:53

Bumping into him will be so much better surely with your self respect intact. You did what everyone should do in this situation, but many simply can't.

You're a OP.

OutPinked · 23/11/2018 09:57

You would look crazy if you unblocked to explain yourself in any way or wish him luck. I think you did the right thing, he was stringing you along big style.

user1481840227 · 23/11/2018 10:07

You absolutely did the right thing. Don't let something that happened in the past become a cycle. If you are not on the same page as the man then just end it and move on.

Also in my experience (and my friends experiences) most men need to be blocked as they will torment you if not, or pop up whenever they feel like it, only a minor annoyance if you don't care about them at all, but it can be awful if you had feelings and want to forget them!

Trinity66 · 23/11/2018 10:08

You would look crazy and maybe a bit needy if you blocked him and then unblocked him! Just leave him blocked that's where he belongs

Adora10 · 23/11/2018 10:08

What a load of old shite, he's devastated at not being ready lol, he's keeping his options option and you are his last resort so no you did completely the right thing; raise your bar if you are looking for a commitment from a man, it's not him.

Alfie190 · 23/11/2018 10:42

I think you responded decisively and it was the right response.

lifebegins50 · 23/11/2018 10:52

You have done the right thing, definitely.Good for you, first time you see him you might need a rehearsrd response. Afterwards it will be easier.

He is only devasted that he had to own up and now loses his FWB. I remember a man at work saying how he kept women around as he had "invested" his time and money and hated having to throw the effort away and start again. It was shocking to hear but brutally honest.
If he was devastated to lose you, he just wouldn't!

Thebluedog · 23/11/2018 11:00

NO NO NO!! Do not unblock him.. you’ll come across as a butter if you unblock and off load at him. Even if it’s just a ‘just saying bye, I wish you all the best’ it’s still a really bad idea.

You’ve walked away with your head held high and on the moral high ground. Please don’t back track and ruin all that. He’ll have far more respect for you this way round.

I’ve a friend who always does the ‘I wish you well’ shit when she gets dumped and it’s juat reeks of ‘please talk to me’ and makes her look desperate

Original poster

nonway999 · 23/11/2018 11:16

Wow thanks everyone. I genuinely feel so much better and empowered to move on now simply from reading all of your responses! I didn't think posting and asking you all would make me feel this good!?

I'm not an option or last minute resort for anyone. When he was putting together his 'proposal' he even said it would be the sort of thing we could do when we had nothing better to do. WTF!

If I could say anything to him now it would just be me showing how annoyed I am that he lured me in under false pretenses. I would also ask him if he genuinely envisaged a relationship with me at the start, and then he changed his mind, or whether he strung me along the whole time. Also would give him a piece of my mind for continuing to sleep with me when he knew it wasn't going anywhere, when he knew that I thought it was.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 23/11/2018 11:18

Silence speaks alot louder, believe me

Milliy · 23/11/2018 11:25

You did the right thing. He was telling you that he is not into you and is backing off with excuses like he will be away busy etc. He's not interested. Simple

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