Breakdown of marriage after 15 years - a bit of a shock.

[ChristyC]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have 2 lovely children and a lovely home, he works hard, as do I and we've always had a lot of fun and laughs. The problem is, that when we socialise, he drinks so much and gets aggressive with other people and myself. He has never hit me, but been very intimidating, throws things around and quite frankly scares me. He has a reputation for being tough and not one to mess with and although the incidences are not particually frequent I know they are damaging. A couple of years ago he ended up in crown court after beating someone up and I stood by him over 10 long months when others didn't want to know. He promised then to not drink so much but since then there have been at least 4 incidences when he has and behaved really badly. He is a lovely man when sober, but the way he behaves when he is drunk is appalling. I am at a point now where I don't trust him not to do it again. 2 weeks ago he moved out and I have really enjoyed the time on my own. He has behaved badly when drunk for a long time - certainly since I have known him and as he barely remembers the next day, he can't seem to understand how crippling it is for me. I remember his face and eyes when he is drunk and how scared and angry I am and I think that each time over the years he has behaved like that a little piece of love for him has died. He has been coming back home to see the children but the pressure he is putting on me to work it out is really hard to deal with. I feel like I am bailing out, although he has been given so many chances I have never asked him to leave before. I think I am looking for someone out there who may have been in a similiar situation and can give me any advice or pointers as to where I go from here. Many thanks.

Ooops I meant ZK obviously (your name makes me think of zoolander! Sorry!)

That's exactly what I'm doing and why i'm doing it SL - I don't want the dcs to grow up with arguments about drink - I did and I hated it

Zookeeper, oh, I do wish you luck, it will be hard on the weekend but you are doing the right thing.

Christy, you too. Alcohol and violence are things that no children should experience.

I still haven't finished the bottle I opened on Sunday ! Dp sounds very happy on the phone up in Norfolk - I just hope that, the next time he's unemployed, we'll be able to deal with it before he becomes depressed and hits the bottle big time.

Thanks Tahnee one thing I will do on Monday is buy a bottle of wine and open it safe in the knowledge that I'll have some left by Friday. Pathetic but true.

Oh, zookeeper, I do hope this weekend goes well. My OH is still in his caravan, still turning up at the house when he feels like it, refusing to think about any plans for the long term, refusing to admit any problem with himself, generally driving me crazy and I keep thinking "who am I kidding?"

I suppose I'm worried that I'm doing something that I might later regret - if I find that life is worse, not better 6 months or a year down the line then there will be no going back. I wonder if everyone feels like this when they separate.

That said things have been pretty bad so it would be hard for them to be worse. I suppose it's fear of the unknown. I am...fearful.

I'm at work which is why my posts are all over the place!

Zoo, what you are feeling is quite natural. When my ex left, I went through the same, even though he left because of my affair. I had no guarantee that dp would continue our relationship - his history was that of many, many girlfriends, lived with one for 3 months and that was it. So I faced the prospect of being totally man-less with dd and two cats to support. Exh had dealt with all the bills etc, so I had to learn all that stuff as well and I was only working part time (still am) - so had very little money. Luckily my boss was great and let me rearrange my hours so I could collect dd from school, and the first advice she gave was to let the council know, to get my single person council tax reduction, and apply for tax credits. It all helped.

I was terrified, and there was so much family pressure to get back with h for my daughter's sake. But for mine, I knew that I was slowly DYING in that marriage, it was cosy, sexless and SMOTHERING. It was scary but strangely liberating to be my own person and I enjoyed living on my own for a few years till dp and I moved in together last year. And the fact that dp stuck with me was an unexpected bonus. I hope I could have still done it even if I'd had no new relationship in the wings. You CAN do it, Zoo and Christy, you CAN .

Tanee, they are words of comfort indeed! I worry too that I will flounder and be unable to cope but know that I NEED liberating, NEED to see how 'normal' relationships work and if I never have one, know that I will be content in my own skin anyhow. Its so strange when all your adult life has revolved around one person, to be alledgedly 'free'. So, zookeeper, I am with you on this one, I too am fearful!

Yes christy I really do feel that I'm about to have a limb amputated (albeit one that's given me a lot of trouble )

It's reassuring to hear that this is normal - I suppose if breaking up was so easy and without mixed feelings it wouldn't be so hard.

I still can't quite believe this has happened - one minute I'm very down the next I'm actually quite excited about what will become of me. I do feel my self-respect returning in that I am not prepared to put up with being treated like shit any more. Here's to a happier family life

Anyway, I'm rambling - night all

Hi Zoo, how did the weekend go? You must be feeling raw, so i just want to send some support.

Christy, how are you?

Seven and a half weeks down the road and this is where I am at. Husband is still out, seeing the kids regularly which is good. Still thinks I am having an affair, is having me and 'the other man' watched and is apparently going to do away with the afore mentioned man. Police know my fears about this and I have started a log with them just in case. They did one of those risk assesments and I flag up as high risk - excellent. Feel nervous constantly, walking through treacle on a daily basis, question everything I have learnt since becomming an adult and seem to be completely unable to take the next stride forward. His family urge me to seek proffessional help i.e police, DV units and counselling as they are happy to support but don't know how to advise dealing with him. He still drinks so definately in denial, not that I give a shit anymore - I can't even look at him. So, all in all, things are as to be expected. Happy days.

Hi christy Tahnee

Dp has fone - two weeks ago althoughit took him until this Thursday to take the rest of his stuff.

He was very reasonable for a bit but now he is being horrible - cold and sneery and telling me that I won't cope without him.

I have had a good day with the dcs at a local farm but am very up and down.

The dcs are bed and I'm here sobbing into my wine.

Please somebody tell me this will get better

Hi zookeeper,
Yes, I think it will get better. Its 8 weeks for me now and I cry so much less, maybe once a week. He is still not nice, good cop bad cop in the space of a day. He is still using the same lines "1 in 4 people get aggressive when drunk" as if that makes it O.K. I have decided that as from now I will not talk about him to anyone or talk to him about anything other than the kids. I have to get out of the habit of being pre-occupied with how he may be feeling or coping and its working for the minute. There are days I could shout with joy from the roof tops. I feel liberated and on the days when I feel good, I know its just a sample of who I am going to be in a while from now. I am excited for the future and to be honest, I don't struggle at all with the practical side, in fact things are so much easier. The dc sometimes get a bit wobbly, but I have to be really firm with them and don't let them dictate situations in the house, just because daddy is not around. Its tough, but definately getting easier. If deep down, zookeeper, it feels right, then it must be so. And also, I think the worse they behave now just reinforces the decision you have made. Its not the problem that shows a persons character, but how they deal with it. A friend also says to me "take a breath" which is great advice.

thanks christyC - totally understand that feeling of liberation - my mum saw exdp on Sunday and told me he smelled of drink - not my problem any more!!

I know I'm doing the right thing and my house is happier - I just feel so new and strange sometimes.