Breakdown of marriage after 15 years - a bit of a shock.

[ChristyC]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have 2 lovely children and a lovely home, he works hard, as do I and we've always had a lot of fun and laughs. The problem is, that when we socialise, he drinks so much and gets aggressive with other people and myself. He has never hit me, but been very intimidating, throws things around and quite frankly scares me. He has a reputation for being tough and not one to mess with and although the incidences are not particually frequent I know they are damaging. A couple of years ago he ended up in crown court after beating someone up and I stood by him over 10 long months when others didn't want to know. He promised then to not drink so much but since then there have been at least 4 incidences when he has and behaved really badly. He is a lovely man when sober, but the way he behaves when he is drunk is appalling. I am at a point now where I don't trust him not to do it again. 2 weeks ago he moved out and I have really enjoyed the time on my own. He has behaved badly when drunk for a long time - certainly since I have known him and as he barely remembers the next day, he can't seem to understand how crippling it is for me. I remember his face and eyes when he is drunk and how scared and angry I am and I think that each time over the years he has behaved like that a little piece of love for him has died. He has been coming back home to see the children but the pressure he is putting on me to work it out is really hard to deal with. I feel like I am bailing out, although he has been given so many chances I have never asked him to leave before. I think I am looking for someone out there who may have been in a similiar situation and can give me any advice or pointers as to where I go from here. Many thanks.

The alcoholic I lived with was a very respectable figure in the city - widely quotes in papers & press etc so try not to pigeon hole them - all shapes & sizes and walks of life.

What you are doing is the begining of the end. One of you realises there is a problem and wants to do something about it. He wont because to him there isn't a problem.

I really hope you can go to the meeting on Tuesday but perhaps you should try picking up the phone if you can't make it. But don't let this slide.

You are very brave and we're here for you.

God there are so many in my family. I tried to count them 1 possibly 2 siblings, 3 cousins, 2 uncles, 1 great uncle all on my Dad's side and then there are the heavy drinkers. 2 died directly from it Great uncle and uncle. It is such a serious illness and so heartbreaking for those close to it. Binge Drinking is also an alcoholic behaviour.

The first step is for him to admit of course and I guess for you to accept it too.

My cousin who goes to Al ANon mixes with well known soap stars (won't tell me who), lawyers, barristers, housewifes you name it all walks of life.

With so much of it in my family I always think there but for the grace of God....... (and I am not religious).

Oh Christy, I was jsut about to post a similar post to yours when I found yours- I so understand how you're feeling. I've been with my dh for 10 yrs, and al lthat time he's been a heavy drinker. He's never violent either, but that's not to say he's not emotionally abusive in many ways while he's drunk. I have been at the end of my tether with it all many, many times, but our day to day life is a great one, he is a fantastic father, and I love him. I totally get how you feel about it - it's like you can live your life with the sober person and put the drunk one out of your head (because you know that's not who he is). But over time I too feel it's had a big negative impact on me, and I'm terrified it will start to have that impact on the kids. This kind of relationship is so not black and white because they can't understand what they're doing, it is almost out of their control (well -this is my excuse for it)...when you see that look in their eyes, you know the partner you love has left for the night. It's heartbreaking and exhausting. It also makes me so angry, but with no where to place that anger as he can't understand what I go through. I would love to hear if you find any resolutions for yourself- you are so brave to leave and make a stand.

wildthings

Will you be willing to talk with Al-anon or at the very least look at their website?. You could really do with talking with them initially.

Does he feel he has a problem with his drinking?. Has he lost friends, family members, job because of it?.

Alcoholics are by their very nature selfish and their primary relationship is with drink. Absolutely everything else comes a distant second.

Alcoholism is an illness and these people are ill but unless they can see that they have a problem and actually want to tackle it then nothing will change. Your love alone cannot save him. You are dealing with the realities of living with someone in the throes of addiction and you cannot reason with someone in such throes.

You may well think he is a fantastic father but is he really this?. What do your children really see, they see someone who is emotionally abusive to their Mum. It has likely had an impact on them already; you cannot change him and he has certainly affected your own self.

A person can choose to ignore it or be in denial, the children cannot. Growing up in a household where one parent is alcoholic is no picnic at all and can cause these same children problems in adulthood when they come to form relationships of their own. How would you feel if your children went on themselves to form relationships with alcoholic partners?.

Hope you get support form Al- Anon Christy.
You say "why is he not capable of drinking less" -
am I right in thinking that they suggest a total ban at first. One glass is no good becasue it just leads to a second.
There are lots of different kinds of dependancy and alcoholism,as others have said, you must rid of that brown bag picture.
Hope things get better for you - let us know.

Hi wildthings,
I'm sorry to hear you're in the same place as me. Unfortunately, my husband is violent when he drinks, although he has never hit me. The last big fight we has 2 months ago. We had friends over and he had drunk quite a bit. He said something along the lines of "I don't know how I'm going to get up for work in the morning" and I said, "don't worry darling, I'll get you up" He just turned to me and said "You can't get me up in the morning, you can't even get yourself up in the morning - what is it you do, anyway, f**g nothing, thats what you do" and this was said with that hate look in his eyes. I was livid and the friends left pretty quickly, but it turned into a full scale row, and eventually I had a hoover thrown at me, the sofa thrown and broken and the table swept clear of everything with his arm. During this row I am a bitch, a sg, a useless wife etc etc. In the midst of all this, our wedding photo was knocked to the floor and the frame broke. I put it away in the drawer and thats where its been ever since. Other occasions include him throwing water over me whilst I'm in bed and pulling the duvet off me and when I shout to him to stop he says things like "Ah, are you all wet, did I get you a little bit wet" in the most awful nasty voice. And times where I have just had to run because I don't know what will happen if I don't. Once, on my birthday we went out for a meal and watched a band play. After the meal, he got chatting to a friend at the bar and apparently they consumed 2 bottles of whiskey. He couldn't walk so I steered him to the car. I didn't get any help from anyone as they were all too frightened of him - he was like a lit fuse. He was abusive all the way out and in the car on the way home (the driving is never shared). When we got home, he fell into bed. 10 mins later I heard a retching sound. I went through to the bedroom and he was vomiting whilst on his back and for a split second I thought "what if I just don't help him?". But I did, I took him a bowl to be sick in and tried to turn him on his side. He whacked the bowl from my hands and told me to f*k off so I left him to it. And because he says he never remembers, and he is THAT drunk, one day he may hit me. One day I may stand up for myself even more and I don't know how he will react to that. And one day, my children might wake up and see and hear all of this and then what? And this behaviour has been going on from when I first met him. Sorry about the rant, just had to get it out.

Sorry to post again, but for some strange reason I feel like I need to clarify a few things. I work whilst the kids are at school. I am a gardener, and every client has a big garden and I work damn hard. I take my husband his sandwiches to work which is just up the road - every day - and then off to work for me. I pick up the kids from school, come home and play with them a while, then do my own garden, cook the dinner (for us all, every night)clear up, do the washing, put the kids to bed and then its on to projects that my husband likes which I help him out with for the greater good of us all, apparently. I'm not lazy, I don't nag him to fix washers on taps and stuff like that and he rarely helps around the house. Typing this (I am a bit angry at the moment!)I sound like a doormat. I don't like shopping, I buy most of my clothes from the charity shop, not overly interested in having holidays or a new car or my hair cut every 6 weeks, I just love the simple things in life - my family, my garden, (once my husband)making jams and jellies and things like that. Where the bloody hell does he get off treating me like he has done and what an utter idiot I am for letting him for all this time. There, job done!!!

Oh Christy, you have mad me very sad. I am so sorry to read your last 2 posts. What now ?

Well, he's not living with us and nor shall he again. For me and the children? We continue to live our lives and I do my utmost to make it as stable as possible. For him, he needs to find some help and turn things around so he can have happiness for his future, without having to feel guilty all the time ( I still worry as to how he is feeling/coping)and at the moment that is as far as I have got. Every day is an emotional rollercoaster but with each day I feel my resolve hardening so that must be a good thing. This site has been great for me. Reading what I have typed in black and white helps enormously and the advice and support is quite frankly overwhelming!

Christy - I want to cry. You know you have so much going for you - ability to create beautiful spaces, making a loving and jam filled home for your family, caring for your children and you are being bullied - throwing things at you, rude and abusive behaviour. But an alcoholic is always right. An alcoholic can never see the way things really are - even when they are sobre.

Please will you call Al-Anon.

I send you hugs and a broad shoulder to cry on.

Maybe sometimes it is useful to see things written down to realise how truly appalling they are. You are putting up with some unacceptable behaviour here and I'm also concerned for your children - as you most patently are yourself. I think in these situations people often know what to do but require a little push from friends. Really best of luck.

PS I wish you did my garden, you sound lovely.

Hi ChristyC

I would totally agree with all that Noodlestroodle and Walnutshell have written.

I sincerely hope you have really turned the corner with regards to your husband and you don't ever have him back in your lives.

You have a heck of a lot going for you and you can keep it together now he's gone. You can make a good life for you and your children - at the very least you won't be treading on eggshells any longer around him or getting a bowl for him to retch into.

He is a mentally abusive alcoholic and you have been emotionally abused. You have also had objects thrown at you by him. That's also just a precursor to your own self being hit. If you were god forbid to stay with him he would drag you and your children down with him even further. He's put you all through more than enough already this past few years. Time for you to put your own self and your children first.

I would also think you married him in the (forlorn) hope that he would change and that your behaviours would have been enough to bring him round. It sounds like he had a drink problem before you wed.

I do hope you stick with your new found resolve and not cave.

P.S I also wish you did my garden!.

Hi ChristyC,

"I still worry as to how he is feeling/coping"

Was wondering why this is as he has never shown you the same courtesy.

You feel very responsible for him (this is all part of your caring nature) but HE is responsible for his own actions, not your good self.

He also made a conscious choice to start drinking. His drink problem is his issue, it is down to him whether he faces up to his demons or not. As said before there are no guarantees, he may continue to drink regardless.

Would urge you to talk with Al-anon; none of what you have written will be unusual to them.

You are far too nice and lovely . He is not worthy of you. As Attila said, he never showed you the same curteousy and here you are worrying about him. What an abusive man he is. He sounds quite vile, but becasue you are so lovely, you can't see that.
Add me to the list of people who would love you to do my garden - you are lovely - don't forget that.

Hi Christie I am going through something very similar and my dp will (I hope) be leaving in about two weeks after 14 years together.

He has had long sober periods but 8 weeks ago after a particulary nasty row he hit the bottle. He has not been roaring drunk but agian the man I love absents himself when he is dri .

He hasn't touched a drop for a month now and is once again lovely gentle and charming and pleading for us to go to counselling but something has changed in me - the trust has finally gone and I feel that I can no longer live with wondering if today is the day he will start drinking again and the sickening disappointment I feel when he does. I'm terrified of the future and how I will cope but there is a small part of me that feels just so liberated from never having to deal with it again. Over the years I have begged, pleaded, threatened and bribed him not to drink to varying degrees of success.

Although in lots of ways I had a happy childhood my father was a heavy drinker and I hated living with the rows about it. If you go to Alanon you will find that lots of people like us have an alcoholic in their background.

It's hard to keep strong ; in some ways the easy thing would be to make up until the next time.

what keeps me going at the moment is looking at my dd (2) and thinking that hopefully she will not grow up with drink as the elephant in the room and will not find herself in our position when she is our age.

I can hardly believe I am going through with this and find it difficult to talk about but it's a comfort to read your story - I suppose I'm just trying to say you're not alone.

This thread is so inspiring and so much of it is ringing true with me. I feel like such a failure in so many ways and so cross with myself for not spooting his problem earlier. Our relationship has been one long battle with drink and I feel that it has won.

go- I am tired of struggling with itall the years of struggling weith itI

sorry about the typos - I have so much to say I don't know where to begin!

and wildthings, I really empathised with your post especially the bit about the man you love leaving for the night.

Hi zookeeper and wildthings,
Your post was like reading how I feel with all the emotions and sense of failure. We can only keep strong and hope that the move we make will make our and our childrens life better. Its so hard to keep strong when they are behaving nicely, you kind of think to yourself "whats all the fuss about!" And I too found wildthings comment that the man you love has left for the night sum it up so completely. I hope you both manage to find some answers and I sincerely wish you both a happier and more balanced life. Stay strong and keep posting.(smile)

Hi christie - I just came across a post of yours on another thread about you looking out on a bank holiday monday, beautiful day etc etc and deciding enough was enough. That was me! It's been a long time coming for us which is why my Dp and your DH are finding it so difficult to accept - I don't think mine has any real idea of how much he has hurt me over the years. ust go as blitzing the house but do keep posting

I've been lurking here reading all this, but feeling unable to write what I'm feeling, because I don't know how to do so - and because if I see it in black and white it will make it more real and therefore harder to quietly put to the back of my mind, and get back to normal day to day family life (which I jsut cannot bear to lose right now.) I lay awake all night writing it all in my head, and will try to post it in a while. It is such a relief to read that other people are feeling the same, that I'm not alone. You both have my total sympathies and support x

Undoubtedly he has to quit drinking full stop, he won't be in control until he does.
Could you live with him as a 'lodger' if he swore off the booze long enough? It might be a good carrot to dangle, not promising to get back together obviously but it would be good for all of you to share finances and live peacefully for a while, even if he sleeps in a shed at the bottom of the garden LOL. It would also give him the chance to really see you living your life on your terms so if you did meet someone else he would be ready for it.

Hi Christy,
it was so good to read this thread (and the great advice attila et al...) ...and wish you all good luck in moving on and getting new lifes for you and your kids...

ime an alcoholic's wife / partner can be as destructive as the alcoholic themselves..
by not changing, not challenging their behaviour, accepting, excusing, ...papering cracks... its madnesss...

good luck all x

wildthings- I know exactly how you feel - this is very difficult for me to - Ive been in a sort of denial/it could be worse state for years.

In a way I'm relieved and quite disbelieving that finally, after years of threatening, i really do feel that I have had enough. I think the difference this time is that although DP isn't drinking now and is 1000% sincere (I think) that he won't drink again I feel that I just can't take the risk of having that crushing sense of misery when I smell drink on his breath or find a tinny hidden in an odd place. It's the secrecy and the deceipt that have finally worn me down.

I'm in limbo at the moment as he says he's going in two weeks - a small part of me wondrs if I'll be wrapped around his knees on that day begging him to stay. I hope not. I'm dreading it but I know its the right thing to do for our children, not to mention my sanity.

ignore the typos please1

Oh I so understand what you're saying zookeeper. I think I am guilty of being in denial for many years, of protecting him, making excuses, and trying to concentrate on all the positives (we have a very good close relationship when he is not drinking, he is a truly wonderful dad, my dc adore him.) I weigh this up in my mind all the time - can I lose all this, or can I ride the rollercoaster....?

Something has changed in me in the last 2 weeks- thanks to 2 horrible incidents caused by his drinking. I think he has crossed the line. But I am at a loss as to what to do to save us, save him, save our wonderful life together. I know I cannot save him, but I want to try to. I can't bear to live my life without him. I am terrified reading your posts that this will be me a couple of years on, when it's worn me down further and I can stand no more. I want to get off the road we are headed down. I want to make our marriage work.

He admits to me now and then that he is deperate to change but doesn't know how. But other times he thinks I'm over-reacting, and that it's all fine.

I must stop or I will rant on for about 10 pages!!! (blush) It is so hard to face up to all of this, I normally tell my friends lots, but cannot tell them this. I'm ashamed and embarressed. This can't be me it's happening to.