Breakdown of marriage after 15 years - a bit of a shock.

[ChristyC]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have 2 lovely children and a lovely home, he works hard, as do I and we've always had a lot of fun and laughs. The problem is, that when we socialise, he drinks so much and gets aggressive with other people and myself. He has never hit me, but been very intimidating, throws things around and quite frankly scares me. He has a reputation for being tough and not one to mess with and although the incidences are not particually frequent I know they are damaging. A couple of years ago he ended up in crown court after beating someone up and I stood by him over 10 long months when others didn't want to know. He promised then to not drink so much but since then there have been at least 4 incidences when he has and behaved really badly. He is a lovely man when sober, but the way he behaves when he is drunk is appalling. I am at a point now where I don't trust him not to do it again. 2 weeks ago he moved out and I have really enjoyed the time on my own. He has behaved badly when drunk for a long time - certainly since I have known him and as he barely remembers the next day, he can't seem to understand how crippling it is for me. I remember his face and eyes when he is drunk and how scared and angry I am and I think that each time over the years he has behaved like that a little piece of love for him has died. He has been coming back home to see the children but the pressure he is putting on me to work it out is really hard to deal with. I feel like I am bailing out, although he has been given so many chances I have never asked him to leave before. I think I am looking for someone out there who may have been in a similiar situation and can give me any advice or pointers as to where I go from here. Many thanks.

Hi GUM,

Re your comment:-
"Perhaps its time to accept that I'm stuck with him"

Well, actually no. Why be stuck?. A fatalistic attitude oesn't help you any let alone the children.

Did you talk with Al-anon?. I think they could also help you find a way through this.

You love him of that I have no doubt at all but he is not capable of fully showing you same due to his alcoholism. Your love for him is destroying you.

Any periods of sobereity are often short lived. Their alcoholism is an ongoing problem and is deep rooted. It's not down to you as women to keep trying to rescue them. His primary relationship, like it or not, is with drink. Absolutely everything else, including children, come a distance second. He will always let you down. All you can do is change how you yourself react to his behaviours. You can control that and get stronger that way.

I am finding this all really hard. My dp is sober and saying he will never drink again and I am furious because I would love to believe it, in a way I do believe it but I do not trust him so I can't. And I don't trust him becasue he's let me down so many times before. Does that make sense?
The problem is that each time we've argued about his drinking I've then just chosen to carry on with our life and so he's struggling to believe that I'm serious.

And I am

GUM, noone should criticise you for taking him back - we've all been there.

I just want to shut my eyes and let it all go away but I can't because I've t got to keep going for the dcs.

the thought of living like this for another 10 years keeps me determined to change this but it's hard

To Atilla, I have started to look into how I react to his behaviour, as I notice you wrote that to GUM and myself and it is TRUE! I went onto a website - Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy and so much of it made sense. If we can control HOW we respond or react to an event, it changes the emotion and we have control over that. We don't have control over the event, thats fine, but the rest is up to us, whether we let it tear us apart or find a more positive emotion in order to deal with it in the right way.

zookeeper, do you not feel that the time for saying is over and if he is serious then he should start proving, in actions? Would you considor a future with him if he found a positive course of action, like councelling, and stuck with it. The advice I have been given is that he can't do it with your support, he has to do it alone and so ultimately that means a split, so its a split either way, iyswim.

The sdsad thing is he's not drinking, he's looking for work and making all the right noises but we had such a huge row two months ago over his drinking and then he went...drinking.. that I just have lost all repsect and trust for him. I just feel so angry that it's come to this.

I don't even feel that guilty for not sticking with him now , just tired and confused with it all and very angry.

I'm not making much sense - just having a bad day.

And of course the other thing is, zookeeper, that they will never take us seriously until we have been pushed to the point of no return and do something drastic, like throw them out. By which point, its too late for us anyway (or me!) as I don't want him back but they realise they have to change and its too late. But why should you have to be pushed so far, just to make a point? Is that a healthy relationship anyway? Surely, two people who love each other so much should not be in this situation, and if they are, then I question the love.

You're absolutely right Christie- it's an unhealthy relationship but getting out of it is like stepping in a puddle of superglue and trying to step away. I'm going to do it though, although today it feels very hard

We have a house we rent out that will be empty on 16 July - I'm praying he'll go then although god knows how we'll manage with two mortgages as he's not working and I'm p/t. Even now I feel sorry for him to have to go there - it is grim- but I know it's his fault. i've done everything in my power to turn this around.

I just wish things could have been different.

Oh, zookeeper, I so know where you are at right now! Its the toughest thing I've ever done - I would rather give birth repeatedly than go through this emotional pain. I think the feeling sorry bit does fade - my OH is in a caravan (in a barn) and I know its grim, but then, I had to walk tall for 10 months, backwards and forwards to Crown Court because of his behaviour and hated every minute of it, but I don't ever remember him saying how awful it must have been for me. Just try to remember that at the moment, he is probably feeling terrible because of the consequences of how he behaves, not feeling terrible because YOU ARE. Whereas you are feeling terrible because you know HE IS. See the in-balance?

Yes - ultimately he is very selfish. I should be saving my sympathy for the dcs.

I just wish he would go

I wish for your sake he would too!! We will get there and when we do we will be invincible!!!

I'll drink to that! !?!

Me Too!

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Ginnedup, same here - friends see us as this great love story as we dated years ago before I got married, and then got drawn together again when my marriage went wrong. He was the bf I never got out of my system and (though it took him 10 years to realise it) he thinks I'm the love of his life. And he IS lovely - even when he's drunk, he's never been violent or abusive except for the one time I snapped and he got angry & walked out - and even then, it was me using the colourful language. My main worry is that the drink will damage his health and I really would like us to make old bones together -and when he's depressed, the drink locks him away into a world of his own .

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Ginnedup - congrats on giving up - hope you manage to keep going!! Any chance of p joining you? It's supposed to be easier together. I never started smoking, and I was SO happy when dp gave up. We went to a pub last night and it was much nicer without the smoke and coming home smelling of it. Are you finding it hard?
Dp doesn't seem to show signs of the drink physically - he's so slim despite his wine & cheese diet, makes me very envious - but his complexion is looking a bit red these days, & he used to be quite a head-turner. Not sure if the redness is the booze or just age - he is over 50, though he gets away with playing men in their 40s.

But yes, the health aspect is a worry. Still, we can't make them stop - they have to decide that for themselves - and I wouldn't actually want dp to give up altogether - as I like to share a glass with him. My exh was teetotal & I felt like a complete wino with my solitary glass every evening. It's just that I don't want dp to get through bottles and bottles . Just one bottle between us would be more than enough. And I worry that he drinks alone after I've gone to bed.

Sorry Christy, I'm moaning on. How are you feeling today? And zookeeper?

Conratulaions of giving up, Ginnedup! I should stop smoking to, but my diet at the mo consists of coffee and roll ups and it seems to keep me going.

I'm fine thanks Tanee. Yesterday, I felt as if I could conquer the world, today, its a bit the other way round, mostly as I have a pile of paperwork and finances to sort through and can't seem to find the impetus (?) to do it. But I have to say, 5 weeks after 'realisation day' it seems to be getting easier. Having said that, OH comes back here most nights to shower and see the kids. His long face and woeful attitude is hard to bear as it annoys me now - I think I have reached the 'emotionally detatched' stage.

the emotionally detatched stage should, hopefully, get you through his visits. Just remember how horrible he can be - I admit I was shocked at your descriptions. It's so sad, though, that alcohol can cause such a character change in an otherwise loving man.

Tanee, you are right, it does help when he visits to not have to show any emotion. I read an article recently, tho, which said that alcohol actually disinhibits an already abusive/violent person which I found quite scary. Its not that he is at all violent when sober, but definately shows signs of anger and stress when he can't deal with a situation. I have over the last months seen character traits that were always there and I had never picked up on before. Sorry, this doesn't make sense. I guess what I am trying to say is that the person he is when sober, is a diluted version of him when drunk - I think!

Hi all I'm really down today - I just went down to our local tax credits place and was told by some snooty jobsworth that I had to telephone to make an appointment. I just dissolved into tears on him - don't know who was more embarrassed..

Have just been on the phone to them to ask what's happening re my claim which i finally did over the telephone on 19th only to be told I should have put it in writing. So I have to do it all over again.

It's such a shambles. Bit like my life. I'm not going back though and keep telling myself things can only get better.

Oh zookeeper - some days it seem everything is so stacked against us! It WILL get better. At least you are addressing these things, unlike me who keeps putting it off until tommorrow. Big hugs to you.

I think the definition of an alcoholic is someone for whom alcohol causes life problems; I am not sure you need to be a daily drinker or crave it as such.

Christy, it sounds as if you've made the right decision then, and you're very courageous to have called a halt. I can see that realising he has all this latent aggression is really scary, especially if you've sometimes been the victim of it. I must say that violence is the one thing I really don't think I could live with. Not just for my sake, but for my dd's.

Zoo, so sorry, I do understand. The tax credit system is a shambles. I had no real problems with mine as a single parent until dp and I made our joint claim last year - they got the date of our claim wrong, and when I phoned them, said they couldn't correct it - I had to wait till my final statement. Now I've got it, I half expect them to say I should have informed them earlier and they want money back! And though our joint earnings are really low, they come just over the threshold for not qualifying for any tax credit - except I might get a teensy little bit for dd. I've already told my boss that this is totally unfair to couples & hope the party (she's an MP) will raise this at parliamentary level. It seems we would have been better off if we hadn't started living together, and just claimed as two single households! Or if dp had just moved in as my lodger! Seems you're damned if you do and damned if you don't - and you still have to pay the bills!

Well, that's my rant of the day...

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