So my husband of 5.5 years has a tendency to go AWOL after a row and not just hours, he will hole himself up in a hotel for days, spending hundreds of pounds. He refuses to tell me where he is if there is any contact but for the most in this time he will block me and he will refuse to speak with me. We have a 1 year old and 4 year old together and my 12 year old son also lives with us. He doesn’t say goodbye to the children and will not be contactable.
He is currently in a hotel for the 3rd night and I’m a complete mess. Within this time he has been liking my ex best mate’s Facebook photos that we fell out with as he had inappropriate feelings for one of them which he denied to them all but admitted it to me, it was obvious to me. He told them all I was making it up and they believed him and they all broke friends with me and believed he was a victim and justified him going to hotels, which was to get away from me. He was truly vile to me behind close doors but so lovely to them they couldn’t believe it and because I was a wreck they just thought I was crazy. He has since admitted he lied to them and admitted his feelings for my ex best mate, and they apparently feel bad but they still don’t want the friendship with me, don’t blame them really as with me comes my marital problems. We’ve since realised they weren’t good for our marriage anyway as too immature with my husbands issues and became enablers. Also it’s a bit of a spanner in the works my husband fancying one of them who was my bridesmaid and his ex best mates wife. So in the end we all mutually parted ways. I grieved for several years but more recently I’ve been feeling stronger and making new friends. My husband is aware I’ve moved on but now he’s saying he misses them. So since he’s been at the hotel he’s liking all their photos out the blue including photos of my old best mate he fancied. Gutted. I’ve text him to say it’s over but he knows as well as I do I won’t stick to it. He doesn’t care anyway, he’s so empowered by my last few days of desperate calling and texting he just doesn’t care.
I should add he has a major wandering eye which he is in therapy for, problem stems from his mum abandoning him and leaving him on his own in the house at age 2 and never returning. He was fostered for most his growing up years to return to his dad who had remarried a woman with a child’s mental age who used to abuse my husband and lock him out the house all the time. As a result he developed addictions which reared their ugly head very early in the marriage. He constantly seeks women’s attention and wants to get eye contact with women everywhere we go. He has promised me he has never been unfaithful but he can’t stop the lusting behaviour. He is in weekly sessions with a sex addiction therapist as he has a problem with porn and used to be a huge player, having many sexual partners. He is currently having EMDR. I have stayed with him because I have understanding of where it has stemmed from and putting a lot of hope in to his therapy. Although his behaviour is seriously damaging my mental health and I have myself had a course of EMDR with his therapist who said I have complex PTSD where I keep getting triggered all the time, I am in constant hyper vigilant mode. What I really can’t bear other than his lusting after other women is him going AWOL, I feel like I have a nervous breakdown every time he does it.
Most people will say leave but I don’t feel strong enough to. I think I would prefer first to try a different tact because I’ve always been so desperate for him to come home I just tolerate it. But the resentments seep in to the marriage which then pushes him away again. Any advice appreciated on how to act and behave if and when he decides to return. Should I let him think it’s over this time? How do I set boundaries when he has never kept to them when I clearly lay them out? The only consequence he normal gets is a shouty, sweary angry wife, not ideal I know (kept away from the children for the most though).
Each time he leaves he is the victim and he has gone from owning it and taking accountability to it all being minimised and now in his head he is fully justified in leaving because he is angry at me for being angry at him over a betrayal, acting out with women, gambling or whatever the initial event was. He very quickly forgets the initial event and he developes zero tolerance of my critisism, hurt, anger, pain or trauma.
Really stuck in a horrible cycle and need advice on what to do.