Husband keeps going AWOL

[Luckdragon11]

So my husband of 5.5 years has a tendency to go AWOL after a row and not just hours, he will hole himself up in a hotel for days, spending hundreds of pounds. He refuses to tell me where he is if there is any contact but for the most in this time he will block me and he will refuse to speak with me. We have a 1 year old and 4 year old together and my 12 year old son also lives with us. He doesn’t say goodbye to the children and will not be contactable.

He is currently in a hotel for the 3rd night and I’m a complete mess. Within this time he has been liking my ex best mate’s Facebook photos that we fell out with as he had inappropriate feelings for one of them which he denied to them all but admitted it to me, it was obvious to me. He told them all I was making it up and they believed him and they all broke friends with me and believed he was a victim and justified him going to hotels, which was to get away from me. He was truly vile to me behind close doors but so lovely to them they couldn’t believe it and because I was a wreck they just thought I was crazy. He has since admitted he lied to them and admitted his feelings for my ex best mate, and they apparently feel bad but they still don’t want the friendship with me, don’t blame them really as with me comes my marital problems. We’ve since realised they weren’t good for our marriage anyway as too immature with my husbands issues and became enablers. Also it’s a bit of a spanner in the works my husband fancying one of them who was my bridesmaid and his ex best mates wife. So in the end we all mutually parted ways. I grieved for several years but more recently I’ve been feeling stronger and making new friends. My husband is aware I’ve moved on but now he’s saying he misses them. So since he’s been at the hotel he’s liking all their photos out the blue including photos of my old best mate he fancied. Gutted. I’ve text him to say it’s over but he knows as well as I do I won’t stick to it. He doesn’t care anyway, he’s so empowered by my last few days of desperate calling and texting he just doesn’t care.

I should add he has a major wandering eye which he is in therapy for, problem stems from his mum abandoning him and leaving him on his own in the house at age 2 and never returning. He was fostered for most his growing up years to return to his dad who had remarried a woman with a child’s mental age who used to abuse my husband and lock him out the house all the time. As a result he developed addictions which reared their ugly head very early in the marriage. He constantly seeks women’s attention and wants to get eye contact with women everywhere we go. He has promised me he has never been unfaithful but he can’t stop the lusting behaviour. He is in weekly sessions with a sex addiction therapist as he has a problem with porn and used to be a huge player, having many sexual partners. He is currently having EMDR. I have stayed with him because I have understanding of where it has stemmed from and putting a lot of hope in to his therapy. Although his behaviour is seriously damaging my mental health and I have myself had a course of EMDR with his therapist who said I have complex PTSD where I keep getting triggered all the time, I am in constant hyper vigilant mode. What I really can’t bear other than his lusting after other women is him going AWOL, I feel like I have a nervous breakdown every time he does it.

Most people will say leave but I don’t feel strong enough to. I think I would prefer first to try a different tact because I’ve always been so desperate for him to come home I just tolerate it. But the resentments seep in to the marriage which then pushes him away again. Any advice appreciated on how to act and behave if and when he decides to return. Should I let him think it’s over this time? How do I set boundaries when he has never kept to them when I clearly lay them out? The only consequence he normal gets is a shouty, sweary angry wife, not ideal I know (kept away from the children for the most though).

Each time he leaves he is the victim and he has gone from owning it and taking accountability to it all being minimised and now in his head he is fully justified in leaving because he is angry at me for being angry at him over a betrayal, acting out with women, gambling or whatever the initial event was. He very quickly forgets the initial event and he developes zero tolerance of my critisism, hurt, anger, pain or trauma.

Really stuck in a horrible cycle and need advice on what to do.

I protect them around where daddy has gone and tell them he’s gone to visit clients for a few days

You must think your 12 year old is as thick as two short planks. He knows when his Mum is a mess. He knows what it coincides with. Poor lad.

It might be a separate for now and see what happens after counseling, approach is needed.
You can’t have him behaving like this in front of the children.
If you want to give him another chance, see what he is like. If he still behaves like an utter asshat then at least the children have been protected.

Leave him he sounds horrendously cunty

You need a solicitor not a doctor. And an STI check after he's finished his shag fest in he hotel.

He’s a catch!
Get a backbone and for the sake of your kids, leave. Why do you let him walk over you like this? Do you enjoy your kids confusion and being miserable?! Take control and be strong, you sure as hell don’t need that twat in your life

I stopped reading after your second sentence, why on earth are you wasting your time on this complete knob end, he's gives zero fucks about you; what a waste of space he is.

Stop texting him

Stop ringing him.

Stop making excuses for his appalling behaviour.

Just STOP.

Tell him to stay where he is. Get legal advice.

Try and speak to someone in real life about this. You really are stuck in a horrible cycle and you need to break it - for your sake and your kids.

I’m trying to work out why I have stayed when pretty much every reply is leave.

My thoughts today around this are;

He started demonstrating this behaviour when he had a huge fall from grace so I chalked it up to be around that as he had a nervous breakdown and was suicidal with a suicide attempt. Overview of it he was a founding CEO of a multi award winning £20m biz. Biz partner wanted to be bought out so he bought in a high profile investor. This investor is a corporate criminal and since found out has a long history of trumping up gross misconduct charges on the founder and getting rid of the board to acquire the biz. Last ceo he did it to before my husband actually killed himself. We had to fight years in the high court and did a last minute deal to get a tiny amount of what he should of got. The whole thing destroyed him, reputational damage etc. So because it was such a fall from grace I stuck by him thinking any man would be on his knees and react badly. I got pregnant on our honeymoon so it was all going on whilst pregnant. It was truly dark days. We then had a couple of years of rebuilding where it felt safe to trust again. Bad friends out our life and we invested much time and effort on therapy and there was huge improvement to the point I felt like I had the husband I thought I was marrying hence having the second child with him. Then suddenly it’s all gone awful again. I know he is depressed because he misses friends and I think he’s doing a lot of revisiting of his life before he had the fall from grace. Its making him not appreciate what he has now. So again making excuses around that and what happened coupled with what happened to him as a kid. Of course I know I’m not his mum, and I don’t want to assume that role but I guess that’s the figure I have become and he certainly doesn’t respect mother figures because of what those did to him.

With regards to my history, my husband displays similar traits to my own father. Mum stayed for 20 years then left for my father to go on and be literally the perfect family man with his new partner who he had 2 kids with, it was like he suddenly just grew up. Sadly dad died at 44 (2 years older than my husband) and on his death bed he had huge remorse to my mum, it was like they were soul mates and it was my mum that cared for him in his last months as his new wife left him for another man, she was a bit younger and couldn’t handle it. If he had lived I truly believe they would of ended up getting back together.

My mum hasn’t met anybody else 20years on, she is depressed and bitter.

So maybe I am thinking, if I just hold on there is a chance he will change just like dad did. And he’s proven to me he can so its super difficult to let go of the hope...

You're going to waste your whole life hoping he will change

Who cares about the why's the whats, he treats you like shit, instead of trying to physo analyse him and minimise his shitty treatment of you, you should be concentrating on yourself and forging a happy normal life because none of this is normal; it's fucked up beyond anyone's comprehension, sorry to be brutal but get your head out the sand.

And your father didn't suddenly grow up, he decided to treat OW in a better way, still doesn't excuse how he treated your mother, don't be like her, holding on to a man that is fucken useless.

I'd change the locks whilst he was gone. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, you can't just walk out and check into a hotel for a few days when you have kids!!

He's not going to change, OP.

Get legal advice ASAP. You and your children deserve much better.

I think the response from everyone is pretty damning in regard to your husband. Clearly he's had a less than smooth journey through life and I can sympathise with that. But I think you have to accept this is who he is, change is not going to happen and even if his behaviour does alter it's going to alter by tiny degrees over many years. This is what you have.

Way I see it you have two simple choices. Accept this is your life from now on, or leave him to make a different life. Best way I found was to look at the evidence, to see what I had in front of me and decide if I wanted this for the rest of my life. Short term pain for a new life or a lifetime of pain dealing with this. There's little point in further discussion or procrastinating. It is a simple choice.

Which do you want?

@Luckdragon11 it is very easy to normalised this behaviour, and just get used to it. I saw a Relate counsellor, on my own. He very quickly told me what I really knew already, that I was in an abusive relationship. It really helped me to clear my thought processes and leave. Maybe worth a try?

It's no life for you and a terrible example to your children.

This person is affecting your health. It is affecting your children. Basically his needs and wants are more important than you and your children. You only get one chance at life, please don't waste it on him. You sound as if you're stuck in a cycle of indecision which is making you ill. Make a decision (preferably to leave!). Just stop wondering why or what if. Every time you relapse into indecisiveness think about what it is doing to your children. Keep a journal. In weak moments read it back to remind yourself of his poor behaviour.

He will NEVER change. This is an appalling example of relationships for your children. The ins and outs are irrelevant. He's abusive. Leave.

There is no answer we can give you to sort this out. You either leave, or you stay and it is either like this or worse. Please consider leaving. It is not fair on you or your children.

You are convincing yourself it isn’t that bad, when you know deep down that it is. It has probably been going on for so long your perception of what is normal is warped. You are also making excuses for him, don’t. He is a grown man responsible for your own behaviour and deserve to be treated with respect. You cannot use his past to excuse his appalling behaviour of you. There is no ‘trying a different tact’, he won’t change, this is who he is. You have to decide whether you want to live like this or not. It’s clear from what you have posted that the answer is no. Deciding to leave and putting the arrangements into place is the hardest part.

Clinging onto your dad as some kind of inspiration is misguided at best. He didn’t change, he met a new woman and you have no way of knowing what went on there behind closed doors anyway. Impending death can have a deep impact on someone, if he had not been in that situation, he would never have reflected and apologised to your mum. If this is your best case scenario you are holding out for, I think that tells you all you need to know about how you are not seeing your situation in a clear and objective fashion.

You seem to display a victim mentality here, which is totally normal for someone in your situation. If leaving seems too drastic to you at this point, please seek some counseling yourself to help you properly analyse what is going on here and help you work out why you really want. From what you have said, leaving him is inevitable.

I mean the obvious answer is to leave him, I couldn't even read your whole Op because the first 2 paragraphs were bad enough. I can't see how this relationship is salvageable, he sounds like an awful person. I feel like you won't though, it's your own fault if you end up having a miserable life with him. You know you should leave

OP, he is emotionally abusive and he has chipped away at your self worth so much, you believe you can't leave. Well you can! And you will be so much bloody happier without this dick in your life.

And this is not just affecting you, it will also be affecting your dc. You say his mother started his issues, well their father will start theirs. They could grow up with fears of abandonment and low self esteem as well as thinking this is a normal relationship. You want so much more for them, I know you do.

Please don't let him come back. He won't change. You can, and for the better.

You are choosing to live like this. Choose not to.
Don't have him back.
See a solicitor about a divorce.
See your GP about your health.
Focus on you and the children and let him get on with his shenanigans.
Do not play any of his games.
Have self-respect - don't ring him or text him, look forward and never look back at him.

Jesus. I only got halfway through your post. You know it’s really bad right? Like awful? This is your life! You’re really putting up with this? Don’t you want better for yourself, got your kids? He’s just abandoned you and gone to spoil himself in a hotel while perving at photos of another woman! WTF are you doing? Seriously. Counselling can only do so much you know! They can’t completely change his personality from selfish/bizarre/abuser/liar into decent/loving/caring/honest. He’s abusing you. He is abusing you and abusing your kids by using abandonment as punishment. God help you all if you keep putting up with this. What would it take for you to get some backbone? Your kids are watching you put up with this. They are going to grow up psychologically damaged!! If you can’t do it for yourself then for God’s sakes do it for them. If you don’t, one day they won’t want anything to do with you because you’ve been so weak and made them live this ridiculous and miserable life. A friend of mine went through this with her parents and now has very little to do with her mother because she can’t respect her for living like this. How do you want your kids to think of you when they are adults? If it was me I’d text and say “stay in the hotel, you aren’t welcome back at home anymore. You’ve had your last chance” then get yourself to a solicitor and file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Maybe that will give him the goddam kick up the bum he needs. Why the hell do women constantly put up with this stuff!!!!

look at your beautiful daughter, and imagine a man treating her and your grandchildren this way, every time they had an argument.

what would you say to her

Please find the courage to leave him..

I’m sorry but this is emotional abuse. He disappears like a child after an argument and gives you the silent treatment. You sit worrying and begging him to come home.
If you won’t leave him as I think you should you need to show him his tactics don’t work anymore. Put your phone down and don’t ask him where he is and when he will be home. Do nothing! Get a babysitter and go out with friends. The second you stop giving him attention is the second he will be back. I have been there. It’s better to leave.