Husband keeps going AWOL

[Luckdragon11]

So my husband of 5.5 years has a tendency to go AWOL after a row and not just hours, he will hole himself up in a hotel for days, spending hundreds of pounds. He refuses to tell me where he is if there is any contact but for the most in this time he will block me and he will refuse to speak with me. We have a 1 year old and 4 year old together and my 12 year old son also lives with us. He doesn’t say goodbye to the children and will not be contactable.

He is currently in a hotel for the 3rd night and I’m a complete mess. Within this time he has been liking my ex best mate’s Facebook photos that we fell out with as he had inappropriate feelings for one of them which he denied to them all but admitted it to me, it was obvious to me. He told them all I was making it up and they believed him and they all broke friends with me and believed he was a victim and justified him going to hotels, which was to get away from me. He was truly vile to me behind close doors but so lovely to them they couldn’t believe it and because I was a wreck they just thought I was crazy. He has since admitted he lied to them and admitted his feelings for my ex best mate, and they apparently feel bad but they still don’t want the friendship with me, don’t blame them really as with me comes my marital problems. We’ve since realised they weren’t good for our marriage anyway as too immature with my husbands issues and became enablers. Also it’s a bit of a spanner in the works my husband fancying one of them who was my bridesmaid and his ex best mates wife. So in the end we all mutually parted ways. I grieved for several years but more recently I’ve been feeling stronger and making new friends. My husband is aware I’ve moved on but now he’s saying he misses them. So since he’s been at the hotel he’s liking all their photos out the blue including photos of my old best mate he fancied. Gutted. I’ve text him to say it’s over but he knows as well as I do I won’t stick to it. He doesn’t care anyway, he’s so empowered by my last few days of desperate calling and texting he just doesn’t care.

I should add he has a major wandering eye which he is in therapy for, problem stems from his mum abandoning him and leaving him on his own in the house at age 2 and never returning. He was fostered for most his growing up years to return to his dad who had remarried a woman with a child’s mental age who used to abuse my husband and lock him out the house all the time. As a result he developed addictions which reared their ugly head very early in the marriage. He constantly seeks women’s attention and wants to get eye contact with women everywhere we go. He has promised me he has never been unfaithful but he can’t stop the lusting behaviour. He is in weekly sessions with a sex addiction therapist as he has a problem with porn and used to be a huge player, having many sexual partners. He is currently having EMDR. I have stayed with him because I have understanding of where it has stemmed from and putting a lot of hope in to his therapy. Although his behaviour is seriously damaging my mental health and I have myself had a course of EMDR with his therapist who said I have complex PTSD where I keep getting triggered all the time, I am in constant hyper vigilant mode. What I really can’t bear other than his lusting after other women is him going AWOL, I feel like I have a nervous breakdown every time he does it.

Most people will say leave but I don’t feel strong enough to. I think I would prefer first to try a different tact because I’ve always been so desperate for him to come home I just tolerate it. But the resentments seep in to the marriage which then pushes him away again. Any advice appreciated on how to act and behave if and when he decides to return. Should I let him think it’s over this time? How do I set boundaries when he has never kept to them when I clearly lay them out? The only consequence he normal gets is a shouty, sweary angry wife, not ideal I know (kept away from the children for the most though).

Each time he leaves he is the victim and he has gone from owning it and taking accountability to it all being minimised and now in his head he is fully justified in leaving because he is angry at me for being angry at him over a betrayal, acting out with women, gambling or whatever the initial event was. He very quickly forgets the initial event and he developes zero tolerance of my critisism, hurt, anger, pain or trauma.

Really stuck in a horrible cycle and need advice on what to do.

LellyMcKelly Yes relate to your post, agreed and this was my biggest fear. Tried to not put things in otherwise so easy for people to say it. You picked up on it, fear you might of feel through same. Always here for you it is the case 👏🏼 Xx

You are over thinking this whole thing. All you need to know is that he needs to go and as soon as possible. he is a lousy husband and an even worse father. He will never change. Save yourself years of grief and get rid now. It really is as simple as that.
Normal people do not behave in this way.

I can't undertand why you're desperate for him to come home, apart from wanting him to stop pissing through money on hotel rooms.
I don't even think you can recognise how intolerable this is. What's left to fix and for what?

I mean, your kids! What must it be like for them? Break the cycle. End the mess. Invest in your kids' mental health and well-being. Work on restoring that- particularly in the case of the 12 year old. Stop forcing them to be an unwilling audience for this shitshow. If you can't do right by you, try and do right by them.

Op he is a prize shit. Maybe he has issues from his childhood, but he could choose to be a
decent husband and father, and he chooses not to be. He likes things the way they are, he gets to piss off whenever he fancies and he knows you will be there waiting tearfully for him when he returns, he probably gets off on it. I honestly don't know how you can live like that. You are worth more than this, do yourself and yor dc a massive favour and dump this awful man before he ruins their lives as well as yours.

This man is emotionally abusing you op; and by the sounds of it having a lot of fun at your expense doing so...Read up on trauma bonding does any of it sound familiar??

I don't believe for a second he is traumatised and has abandonment issues.....sex addicted mysoginist/narcissist hiding behind a victim mask more like it.

You won't ever be able to change his behaviour but I think you know that already...

Bottom line....You cant polish a turd

You're wasting your life.
He won't change and deep down, you know this.
This will wreck your children's lives and ruin their future relationships.
He's an abusive wanker (but you know this, stop pretending he's not)
Leave him.

@Closetbeanmuncher thanks just read about trauma bonding... tick tick tick 😳

I think you need to make a very stark choice.

Stay with your DH in "hope" he will turn himself around, but acknowledging that you can't do this for him and protect yourself and children as best you can (difficult indeed and tbh i can't see a way to do this without emotionally detaching yourself - what kind of marriage is that? Equally accepting the children will pick up on this shitty dynamic however much you shield them).

Or choose yourself and your children and leave on the basis that he needs to deal with his own issues without inflicting them on his family.

The latter might possibly be the wake up call he needs. If not, and even if he spirals down further then all you've shown is commitment to good parenting which is always a much higher priority than a commitment to being a poorly treated spouse.

Keep a diary.....write down everything that happens; the facts and your feelings. I can guarantee the happiness split you talked about is different on paper.

This may also make it easier for you to process the reality in black and white instead of being caught on an emotional rollercoaster.

Without bashing you i also mirror what previous posters have said about the impact on the dc.

Reinvest the energy spent on this car crash of a man into working on your self esteem and cultivating strong friendships with loyal people

You can do this dragon!💐

Thank you all. So just to update on weds, my husband decided to return. I went out with a Christian friend that evening who has been helping me enormously, to see Russell Brand live, needed the chuckle but a lot of what he said resonated. Personally I am open to my faith and still exploring but I have found the church and community to offer a safe haven for me and the children so becoming a part of that a lot more. My eldest is away at school in the term, he’s awarded a scholarship so thankfully he is protected for the most. I certainly don’t think he’s as thick as two short planks as one poster stated far from it. It’s clearly me that is. The trauma bonding does feel right, I keep asking why I am caring so much and not being able to let go. Anyway attended the doctors with husband yday and he’s now under the crisis mental care team. So it’s a relief I don’t have to worry about that side of things. He’s seen a psychiatrist and after a long evaluation, history taking and bloods putting him on meds for bipolar. I have spoken with a solicitor and my husband has released half the equity of house to me as it was in his name. That gives me financial security. So slowly putting ducks in order. Rome wasn’t built in a day but I feel my thinking now is more around conscious uncoupling and the most important thing is protecting my children x

You go Luckdragon! So glad to hear that you've taken decisive action. I must admit I didn't think you would. You sound very caring, and you and children deserve so much more. I've been decorating my house today, so I can get the ball rolling with selling it. I've just finished painting a chair - like you say Rome wasn't built in a day! Best of luck x

That sounds like you have taken some very positive steps. Best of luck x

Well done on some steps forward that you are taking.
I know he says he can't cope so runs away. But you bombarding him with messages is rather like a naughty child staying away from a cross parent.
You need to let him own his mistakes, if you know you are going to disagree, and that he is going to run offer to pack him a case, tell him that your fine with it and will not be calling him and will see him when he wants to come home...
Then instead of texting him all the time just write the letter you want to send him and email it to yourself... This helps you to get your thoughts out of your head and stops you trying to guilt him into doing the right thing.
Good luck.

There will be some tough decisions you have to make, not going to sugar coat it.

You and your children deserve better than this. Weigh up the pros and cons of staying with him vs the pros and cons of leaving.

And you don't have to change everything at once, do it at your own pace i.e. delete him from social media, gradually reduce how many of his messages you answer, increasingly delay responding to him.

And acknowledge that it won't be easy, But you only have to get through this moment, and then the next; think short term in the first instance and the longer-term goals will become easier. You're probably a lot stronger than you realise, given what you said you've put up with so far.

And please remember that every time you consent to his games you're teaching him how to treat you.

Good luck and much love.

Jesus woman, you dont have to live on this merry go round. Please tell me you dont have children and he isnt a role model in any childrens lives

You still should split from him, he's a noose around your neck, it's not your job to fix him, if he cared about the hurt he was causing he'd seek out help himself, he's paying you lip service now because he can see you are starting to assert yourself; he will never change no matter how much counselling he receives; his traits are far too embedded in his psyche and the world revolves around him. The longer you prolong the agony the longer you are depriving yourself of a joyous and harmonious existence.

I recognised the trauma bond from my own experience and thought it would resonate with you also dragon.

Fantastic news about the equity release...Make sure that goes through and guard it with your life!

Trauma bonds are strong; akin to a drug addiction neurologically but they CAN be broken.

To ease your path to the end goal work on your own identity outside of this marriage...Your friends ,your faith, hobbies and of course your dc. Also as i said before keep a diary when he starts his nonsense (which he will) so that you can see the clear facts through the roller coaster of emotions...

The most important thing is to have peace and stability for you and your dc

💐💐

You’ve helped him on the road to recovery, now it’s time to move on yourself with your dc to build a better life for you.

He may have issues steming from his childhood...but you also have issues to put up with this crap.

Focus on exploring why you do it.

Your husband is neither a good spouse or a father. Disappearing like a spoilt brat throwing a tantrum, is not the behaviour of a mature sensible adult.

As long as you let people treat you like s**t... they will.

Just seen your update. That's good.

💐good wishes going forward

You have children.

What about them whilst you're tearing your hair out over this utter idiot.

He couldn't care less about any of you. & he's a sleaze - seeking the attention of other women.

You are stuck in an abuse cycle and can't see that you're with a man a lot of women wouldn't touch with someone else's.

Well not 'with' per se as he's already abandoned you and the children, he just comes back sometimes.

I wish your children were old enough to leave, but they're not. I hope they don't end up too messed up by this awful family dynamic.

I'm surprised you're not embarrassed to be with this creep. I hope one day you do the Freedom Programme and just wake up. Life is far too short to waste in misery with a man that isn't worth it

Update....

So for anybody who resonated with my post thinking they will improve/ if I give enough love and commitment and loyalty they will finally realise how special I am, they will change... here’s an update.

So after going AWOL for 5 days in Nov what I didn’t mention was he locked me and the kids in the grounds of the property by taking the electric gate keys. The heating had gone and ignored my photos of the poorly kids and that I couldn’t get a heating engineer in. The day he returned he told me how to sort the heating out and where the fuse was so he could return to a warm house. I found out he had been with naked strippers, gambling, shopping excessively on clothes and jewellery. The night before he left we rowed because I told him my eldest wanted an Iwatch for Xmas and he said we couldn’t afford it and wasn’t sure if invoices would be paid before Xmas. I was so worried I got a credit card out for presents and text him saying I would cancel the Xmas shop and not to worry we would just collect cheap bits from Aldi. The very next day he went and purchased himself the most expensive iwatch for nearly £900 and £500 worth of jewellery. This caused an argument as 2 weeks before at a Christian friends party he had also disappeared with a woman who I have recently found out is a prostitute. When we returned he had put his hands around my neck and said he could squeeze the life out of me and was asking me to call the friends we had fallen out with, one of which he had tried to have an affair with and admitting obsessing over. I recorded this event. Before anybody chimes in with questions around why I didn’t leave him please research trauma bonding. He abused me in every which way and made me feel so worthless I can’t explain.

So in early December when he swore on the kids lives he was just working whilst at the hotel, we were watching tele snd he started doing a mock lap dance with a sneer. I twigged he had been with strippers so demanded to see his bank statements. He called me crazy, shouted at me etc. I logged in to all his accounts and saw it all. The next day when I’m in the midst of a breakdown and throwing up he left me with the kids to go on a lads day. I called his best mate of 20 years who felt awful and said he would ensure he was on a certain train. His best mate had witnessed my H act the same way with all his exes and said he had had enough of all the crisises he created and had also found out through a mutual friend that my H had been slagging him off & humiliating him to mutual friends. They were supposed to be best mates, best men at each other’s wedding. So it was a final straw. My H text me to say sorry and he couldn’t let his best mate down and would be on the 6pm train. Come 6pm his mates told him to get on the train. He said he hadn’t agreed that and started shouting. They had a huge row and he left. He apparently got on the train but hopped off and went AWOL. I changed the locks and he went to a hotel. Next day I start getting loads of sorry texts, how his selfishness has hit him like a ton of bricks blah blah blah. I ignored and he turned up at the house and my middle one let him in. He was crying begging me. He said he would do anything. He starts going to 12 steps sex addicts anonymous and improvements starts. Lulled in again. We get through Xmas and January feels more hopeful. I’m horse riding and attending the gym, he’s playing football regularly and he organises piano lessons for us both and he starts organising a secret 40th bday party for me (which is in 2 weeks). He starts seeing a psychiatrist and gets given a drug to help curb his urges. I then find a therapist who is supposed to be a specialist in partner trauma of sex addicts. She tells me how she won’t be gaslighted by addict and she’s very strong. Attending was nerve wracking as my H had always used DARVO (deflect, attack, reverse, victim offender). He did this for 3 months in his rehab stint where he left me with a newborn and made out I was the abuser. At first I thought it went well but then she says she wants to be his therapist weekly and see us as a couple once a month. We were supposed to be preparing for a therapeutic disclosure with polygraph so I could have closure and make an informed decision whilst being supported and strengthened to leave if that’s what I needed to do. Instead he spent his sessions being a victim and charming the therapist so then we return a month later to the therapist she’s having a go at me about my anger and talking to me as though I’m the perpetrator. She then suggests a therapeutic separation so HE could recover without me enabling him from my trauma which is the exact opposite of what we needed as it feeds the beast. Well next thing he’s completely distant and planning his escape. He engineered arguments and on Feb 28th left to go to a hotel. I emailed the therapist saying it’s a separation. Instead of him fighting for us he agreed. He did nothing to repair trust and pretended to be embroiled in his recovery. He wouldn’t tell me where he was staying and made out it was because I would stalk him. On Easter Sunday he came over for a bunny hunt for the kids, my mum was up and pointed out I wasn’t eating and had lost too much weight. He said I looked better for it (I was down to 7.5stone and I’m 5’5”) and he screamed and swore at my mum and chucked her, my sister and my niece out the house. My middle who had chicken pox is screaming and crying. Then he leaves aswell. My middle is desperately trying to call his daddy. He doesn’t respond, instead he’s posting on fb about football. He returns 3 hours later with his wedding ring off and said it’s no wonder he wanted other women and said I didn’t have a pot to piss in before I met him and I had no appreciation. He said he made me. He then left. I will admit because I was so weak and trauma bonded and scared what he would do I begged him to come home and sent him prayers. My fears were well founded, on May 2nd I did the school run and on my return all the valuables were gone, the piano me and the kids were playing, the main tele, every single painting. I got home and dropped to my knees. He texts me saying sorry it divorce. The next day I receive the divorce papers in the post divorcing me on grounds of abuse. The next day he took the car I used to take the kids to school. I sold mine for his gambling debt on the condition he would put me on the house. I found out he never did this. Then I receive child court papers saying I’m a danger to the kids and I’ve been abusing him. Then he back dates all the bills in my name to feb 1st. Then my mate told me she knew for 6 months he was gay sexting my gay friend 2 years ago. Then my nanny told me he was texting her to test the water. Then I find out he’s been texting an old friend. Then he’s smear campaigned me on FB and told everybody he’s the victim and he’s back in with all the mates I’ve lost and they are passively aggressively bullying me on FB, in the world of narcissism they are called “flying monkeys”. Then he doesn’t get me a replacement car meaning my loyal Christian friend has to stay to take the kids to school and he makes allegations about her as well. He hasn’t paid me a penny but posting photos of himself in Madrid for a big football match. Whilst they won’t even collect my recycling because I can’t afford the c tax arrears he’s left me with. He’s smoking us out the house and says he’s forcing the sale on the property.

I’m under the care of the mental health crisis team but they believe I am a good mum and did a safe guarding alert on him as well as his own doctor and the police.

He’s refusing to drop his allegations even though my solicitor said I would accept the divorce and just save all the court costs having to defend. I have to stand up in court on July 1sy to defend his allegations against me to fight for my children.

I’m in contact with all his exes and it’s the same pattern over and over.

I’m literally living in a nightmare.

So to any ladies with an NPD, run and don’t look back. One day I will be free but I’m so traumatised and that toxic bond is so strong I pine as anything is better than this. I want to be put in a coma and wake up when this nightmare is over x

Disengage. Cut him off. Have no contact other than through solicitors/social services/whoever but disengage, cut off, no more of this shit.

This is utter madness, stop engaging with it, stop it now.