Husband keeps going AWOL

[Luckdragon11]

So my husband of 5.5 years has a tendency to go AWOL after a row and not just hours, he will hole himself up in a hotel for days, spending hundreds of pounds. He refuses to tell me where he is if there is any contact but for the most in this time he will block me and he will refuse to speak with me. We have a 1 year old and 4 year old together and my 12 year old son also lives with us. He doesn’t say goodbye to the children and will not be contactable.

He is currently in a hotel for the 3rd night and I’m a complete mess. Within this time he has been liking my ex best mate’s Facebook photos that we fell out with as he had inappropriate feelings for one of them which he denied to them all but admitted it to me, it was obvious to me. He told them all I was making it up and they believed him and they all broke friends with me and believed he was a victim and justified him going to hotels, which was to get away from me. He was truly vile to me behind close doors but so lovely to them they couldn’t believe it and because I was a wreck they just thought I was crazy. He has since admitted he lied to them and admitted his feelings for my ex best mate, and they apparently feel bad but they still don’t want the friendship with me, don’t blame them really as with me comes my marital problems. We’ve since realised they weren’t good for our marriage anyway as too immature with my husbands issues and became enablers. Also it’s a bit of a spanner in the works my husband fancying one of them who was my bridesmaid and his ex best mates wife. So in the end we all mutually parted ways. I grieved for several years but more recently I’ve been feeling stronger and making new friends. My husband is aware I’ve moved on but now he’s saying he misses them. So since he’s been at the hotel he’s liking all their photos out the blue including photos of my old best mate he fancied. Gutted. I’ve text him to say it’s over but he knows as well as I do I won’t stick to it. He doesn’t care anyway, he’s so empowered by my last few days of desperate calling and texting he just doesn’t care.

I should add he has a major wandering eye which he is in therapy for, problem stems from his mum abandoning him and leaving him on his own in the house at age 2 and never returning. He was fostered for most his growing up years to return to his dad who had remarried a woman with a child’s mental age who used to abuse my husband and lock him out the house all the time. As a result he developed addictions which reared their ugly head very early in the marriage. He constantly seeks women’s attention and wants to get eye contact with women everywhere we go. He has promised me he has never been unfaithful but he can’t stop the lusting behaviour. He is in weekly sessions with a sex addiction therapist as he has a problem with porn and used to be a huge player, having many sexual partners. He is currently having EMDR. I have stayed with him because I have understanding of where it has stemmed from and putting a lot of hope in to his therapy. Although his behaviour is seriously damaging my mental health and I have myself had a course of EMDR with his therapist who said I have complex PTSD where I keep getting triggered all the time, I am in constant hyper vigilant mode. What I really can’t bear other than his lusting after other women is him going AWOL, I feel like I have a nervous breakdown every time he does it.

Most people will say leave but I don’t feel strong enough to. I think I would prefer first to try a different tact because I’ve always been so desperate for him to come home I just tolerate it. But the resentments seep in to the marriage which then pushes him away again. Any advice appreciated on how to act and behave if and when he decides to return. Should I let him think it’s over this time? How do I set boundaries when he has never kept to them when I clearly lay them out? The only consequence he normal gets is a shouty, sweary angry wife, not ideal I know (kept away from the children for the most though).

Each time he leaves he is the victim and he has gone from owning it and taking accountability to it all being minimised and now in his head he is fully justified in leaving because he is angry at me for being angry at him over a betrayal, acting out with women, gambling or whatever the initial event was. He very quickly forgets the initial event and he developes zero tolerance of my critisism, hurt, anger, pain or trauma.

Really stuck in a horrible cycle and need advice on what to do.

LTB gets thrown about MN like confetti. However, on this occasion it is warranted. He sounds pathetic and so immature. I couldn't put up with this ridiculous behaviour.

Your children deserve better. They shouldnt grow up thinking this is normal. Its very un normal. Dont be a doormat

What exactly do you think you are teaching your children OP? Would you be happy if any of them end up like you?
If not, why not? And how do you think you can prevent it when you are making this their 'normal'. Teaching them that 'this' is what a relationship is.
If you won't raise the bar higher for yourself then surely you can do it for your children.

What's the GP going to do? Unless you are depressed to the point of needing tablets I'm not sure that's going to help. It's a solicitor you need, not a Dr.

for you. You must delve deep and grow your strength and leave him-seriously you don’t want your sons doing this to their wives or your daughter having such low expectations of how men treat women that she accepts any kind of behaviour

Ltb

You poor thing. He has no respect for you though. You know that you don't you? I'm sorry but I think you should leave him as you deserve better. Stay strong.

I’m pleased to see your update. You need to leave this relationship if only for your children. I found your post quite shocking.

I feel most sorry for them in all this - his behaviour is not normal and not acceptable and is going to be tremendously damaging to them.

Do seek help from the doctor I would also seek support in RL (real life) from family and Given you know the script he will trot out think about how you can avoid been lured back in.

Do this for your children. Whatever you think this is damaging them badly and will likely have a serious impact on their own relationship/ life choices growing up.

If you stay with him he is going to keep hurting you, playing about with your friends, playing with your head, being a general arsehole. He will keep leaving you and blaming you and you and your children will suffer. If you make a clean break now, sort finances, get a solicitor, block him completely, assume he has moved out and remove his stuff to a family members or friends then yes it will hurt but it will be over. You won’t have to worry about the next crap he is going to pull.

Shut down on him. Stop ringing, stop texting. Take the sim out your phone and put it in your freezer if you have to. Let him start to panic when he gets radio silence.

And yes, please go to the doctors. And when you feel strong enough please tell him to fuck himself. You and your children deserve so much better.

Don’t look back on your life in 20/30 years and let this be the misery you keep facing. Act now you and your children deserve much better. Good luck x

Ok, for perspective I am a pretty traditional Catholic who certainly isn’t prone to saying ‘leave’. I’m normally very pro working through rocky patches.

However the line is when the children’s well being is compromised consistently and significantly. Your children cannot grow up healthy and happy as well adjusted people in the middle of this.

Leave him. There is no way forward at this point at all. I cannot stress how far from normal this is. It cannot be normalised.

Change the locks. Legally separate however you need to then separate finances as much as you can before sitting down to look at longer time financial solutions. Tell him by text or email or even fb messenger what you are doing, he doesn’t deserve a chat about it, just make sure he knows. Be factual

He is extremely selfish. And he's horrible. You're teaching your children that this behaviour is normal. I feel so sorry for you OP. You have to get rid of him. You and your children deserve so much better.

You’ve made excuse for his appalling behaviour for far too long, you’re not his Mum, so stop acting like it. He’s immature and abusive and his childhood is no excuse. Essentially by taking his shit and bringing another child into the mix, you’ve pretty much communicated that you’re OK with his behaviour. Never delegate the responsibility for maintaining your boundaries to someone else, especially if that someone, is as emotionally stunted as your H.

Everyone has a role to play in a relationship dynamic and you’ve chosen doormat, stop doing it.

I should say with therapy over the last couple of years the behaviour has dramatically improved but since he’s been having intensive EMDR for last 6 weeks he has reverted back to type. Do any of you feel that the EMDR therapy (your brain revisits traumas and files them in to the right place) has stirred up these behaviours and that I should wait until the EMDR has stopped and see how he is then before leaving? I have seen a huge improvement in his behaviour overall and he only slipped back when he started this therapy. He sold his hugely successful businsss and now operates his business from home and we also work together and run it together. For the most we do operate well and the kids do see for the most a functioning partnership, I would say 90% good, 10% bad. I protect them around where daddy has gone and tell them he’s gone to visit clients for a few days.

I protect them around where daddy has gone and tell them he’s gone to visit clients for a few days.
You don’t protect them. They see you upset even if you think you are hiding it.
But even if you could manage to hide it, how is that a relationship?

Op. Put aside the fact that you're staying because your self esteem is through the floor and you don't think you can do better. What long term impact will this have on your children? What will they see as a normal relationship in future?

Why is it up to you to fix him, at great cost to your own mental health!? He chooses to walk the line he does.

There's a thread on here about women being essentially programmed to do this, hopefully someone can link to it (I'm terrible at links) but read it, and I honestly think you need to leave him too.

I’m sorry you are going through this. You say you understand his issues because of his upbringing. Do you realise that you are unintentionally exposing your children to a difficult upbringing because of his behaviour? I appreciate you are trying to hide things from them - but in reality it’s not possible. I think you might be so used to his behaviour that it has almost become normal for you. But it’s not normal behaviour and your children are witnessing it. You might feel weak now because you are understandably in a stressed state. But you will get stronger. You have already put up with much more than other women put up with - deep down you are stronger than you realise. Much stronger. Good luck.

What are you getting out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?

How did you also arrive at a figure of 90/10?. It’s utter bs. Your children likely know and see far more than either of you care to realise, is this really what you want them to rermember about their childhoods?.

This is who he is op, even with therapy. You are also not his therapist here and cannot either act as his rescuer or saviour either. Neither approach works and in the meantime your children and you are being further harmed. You are also doing your bit here by lying to them about their dad,s absenses, they won,t be able to ultimately trust you either if you keep on doing that.

I would also do your level best here to extricate yourself from the joint business as well as leaving him. This is not sustainable and you are lurching from one crisis really to another, this whole thing is toxic.

Whatever his past trauma he is making the decision to stay away for a few days, choosing to ignore his frantic wife, choosing to like photos of attractive on social media. It’s all his choice.

Have you ever considered that these choices aren’t made because of his mental health, and that perhaps he’s just an unpleasant and selfish person?

Before this occasion, when was the last time he flounced off to a hotel to sulk?

OP, it is clear that he is using his AWOL time as an excuse to meet up with other women. Why would he stay in a hotel and not with a mate/family otherwise. He will be chasing and fucking other women to teach you a lesson and make himself feel better. He is a shit. I'm so sorry for you.
Make a fake online dating profile and I bet you'll find him there.

It doesnt matter that you understand why he is how he is, shite childhood blah blah. It's how he chooses to behave now that counts. Please find the strength to kick him out. I know how hard it is.

Jesus. You should HAVE to protect your children from their own father! You argue, and he conveniently uses it as an excuse to have a break from family like. What an utter cunt.

I'm not even going in to the rest of it. Why would you do this to yourself. Pack his stuff and take it to the hotel. See a solicitor today and get rid of this creep.

So part of his trauma is early abandonment. And part of his way of dealing with you and the kids is to repeatedly abandon them.

I'm sure he doesn't realise what he is doing, but your relationship aside it would be better to have him consistently in the kids lives from another angle than swanning in and out at like on a whim wouldn't it? Aren't the kids hurt by dad going to see clients for days without even saying bye to them!? It's going to become pretty obvious when mum is angry when he gets back that he isn't just coming back from seeing clients.