My boyfriend's ex is keeping the baby he never wanted. How do I deal with it?

[Bhengu02]

I met my boyfriend a year ago...although we liked each other we had a connection since then but during that time we were both healing from our previous relationships. So we began as friends never got intimate, just friends. We were going on dates with other people until more like seeing other people to get over our exes. Then months later we decided to be exclusive with each other because our connection is just our of this world, it feels so right. So perfect. Then months down the line I recieved a message from a woman he was seeing after his bad break up... Asking me if I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and if I knew that she's expecting his child...I was so torn. With that information I asked him about her and the story she tells me. He admitted that they were together although things were rocky between the two and they seemed to be sex partners more than being in a relationship and didn't break things off formally because he thought they weren't exclusive, also went ahead saying that she did suspect that she could be pregnant by him...and that he told her he doesn't want the child and asked her what were her thoughts and how she felt about it but apparently she went ahead just saying "okay"... So they started planning to terminate the pregnancy. I asked the woman if what he said was true but she didn't say exactly what was going on instead she sent screen shots of conversations between both of them. And in those screen shots there wete conversations saying they planning to terminate and (according to me) evertyime she would talk to him he responds in a manner that shows no interest in the relationship they had...so then he officially broke up with her. And she kept quiet.

Now a few days ago my boyfriend's mother got a phone from his ex's aunt about her pregnancy. My boyfriend got so mad at the fact that she went quiet is along knowing they agreed on not keeping the pregnancy.

Now I told him that no matter what she decides I'll support him because I love him so much . I am well aware of how things will turn out to be once the baby arrives because I am a mother myself and I'm co parenting with my ex fiance. What puzzles me is that how do I deal with this whole situation. Because his ex just decided to keep the pregnancy without him knowing... Could she be doing this for revenge? Because shen he asks her why she kept it... Her reasoning kept on changing and not being straight forward. "the religion doesn't allow it" or "its too late to terminate now" or "her health"...

Yes of course, it's all about him and revenge.....

jeez - yes a woman who can't go through with a termination MUST be doing it for 'revenge'. seriously?!? perhaps she didn't want to say that she cannot do it. for reasons she probably can't articulate to herself.

what is your boyfriend planning to do? does he intend to support his child?

Her body her choice.
Maybe she could not bear the idea of terminating?
Maybe is nothing to do with him

It's no one's business but hers why she's chosen to keep the baby. But it's highly highly unlikely to be for 'revenge'

I think you need to look really carefully at the timeline here, because all those months really aren't adding up to a pg that's going to be possible to terminate. Either someone's lying to you, or they've had sex within the last three months. He's been playing you.

No woman ever continued with a pregnancy “for revenge”.

I know you want to believe that your boyfriend is the victim here, but he’s been irresponsible and possibly dishonest and trying to blame it all on this poor young woman who is now in a very difficult situation is unkind.

How many months pregnant is she? I don't see how it can be his without him having cheated on you tbh.

I wouldnt want to guess her feelings on finding out she was pregnant to an now ex.
Revenge, though, wouldnt spring to mind no!!
It's a lot easier for a bloke to suggest/agree to termination than a woman.
How come he just left her to go through that. That's pretty shit.
It doesn't really matter why she continued with her pregnancy its no-one else business and very private.

The thing is, there is a baby on the way and its totally pointless questioning it.

He will need to stump up maintenance, but he doesn't have to be involved.
I think I would expect any DC though to be supported by their DC more than just financially. Not because its the decent thing to do but because every DC deserves the best start in life, and should be there for them no matter what.
It's a shocker to your relationship, but you're all good, the big adjustment wi be for him.

All you can do is support him and his baby as part of your relationship.

Would you anticipate that being a problem?

I'm confused about the timings too. Regardless, he is about to become a father and needs to reconcile himself to that. He needs to agree with his ex about access, emotional and practical involvement and his financial contribution.
I think you need to step back and let him handle this on his own.

My situation was similar to yours OP but I was the ex and I was having a baby. Agree with other posters timeline seems weird.

My ex told the OW and his new girlfriend that the baby wasn’t planned (it was with him convincing me to go off the pill) and I trapped him (more lies). He then alleged he wasn’t the father because I’d slept around (he was in fact the one sleeping around and with absolute certainty he is the father and is now paying maintenance for he child he purported wasn’t his).

I too have screenshots of all of this and the OW didn’t believe me. Please be careful and don’t be naive OP, most women would never keep a child simply for revenge. There are likely a whole host of reasons why she kept the baby and frankly it really has nothing to do with you.

Your new boyfriend sounds like a bit of an asshole tbh.

Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a dick. How dare he question her about her motives etc, if she doesn't want to terminate then she doesn't want to - her reasons probably keep changing because she's trying to come up with an explanation when its probably as simple as she doesn't feel she wants to terminate. He has no right at all to be 'angry' about that - an abortion is not something you go through with just because 'it was agreed' - it's absolutely 100% her decision.

revenge ffs that's extremely immature thinking. A baby is a massive lifelong and life changing commitment, she's not keying his car or cutting up his suits!

How you deal with the situation is to encourage him to step up to his responsibility and support his child financially. Then don’t let the first flush of passion make you rush into any serious commitments with him. Don’t move in together, definitely don’t get pregnant, until you’ve calmed down a bit and can make a sensible assessment of whether he’s really a decent man.

Well he sounds like a catch. He was sleeping with her when he was sleeping with you. He dumped her when she fell pregnant and hid it from you until she contacted you and now he's trying to pressure her into a termination? God you're so lucky to have found him

He's obvs been having sex with her whilst seeing you tho.

Get out now while you can.

So much drama so early on, is it honestly worth bringing this into your kid's lives??

I'd suggest that she's keeping the baby because she wants to, as is her choice, and she said she'd terminate to stop him bullying her into a decision she didn't want. Her story keeps changing because he won't 'accept' her reasons for wanting a child and she's trying to find a reason that will stop his repeated angry questioning of her.

So many red flags in this post op, is he really mister perfect? or has he just lovebombed the fuck out of you, til one day you'll wake up as his next 'crazy' ex?

If he was so abusive I wonder greatly that she would make contact once out of his life and a lucky escape.

How does she know your number to call you.

You said he had a messy break up and then he went on to get someone pregnant, whilst he wasn't have relationships, just sex with women he didn't even know then. He's a user and doesn't care about women.
She obvs didn't want to lose the pregnancy like he did. So she shook him off.

What does he say about all this, as I think he's guilty of something here, apart from using women, irresponsibly

they agreed on not keeping the pregnancy

Well they clearly didn't. She kept the pregnancy, her decision.

Your "boyfriend" is a total fucking wanker. For fuck's sake, wake up and take your blinders off.

So basically he shagged around, this girl thought they were a couple but they weren't. He just didn't tell her they weren't. She is now pregnant and you and him are all pissy that she didn't terminate, just because he said so.

What a catch!

I think your relationship is dead in the water. You clearly resent the mother of his child and he will have a lot to do with her and the child, presuming he will be a decent father. You won't like that. Or he will become a screw up and hide from his responsibilities, in which case, surely, you won't want him?

It's her issue to deal with and not yours. If he can't deal with it maturely, then that partly explains why he is her ex.

And maybe she was under the impression that he and her were exclusive while you and him were just fooling around.

Get a new boyfriend. And some self respect.

"But I love 'im" is overture and beginners to many miserable relationships.

BTW, if he didn't want to risk pregnancy, at all, he shouldn't have had sex.

Well would you terminate a child because a man told you too!! I think u know the answer to that question!!

How pregnant is she?