Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend's ex is keeping the baby he never wanted. How do I deal with it?

122 replies

Bhengu02 · 14/11/2018 23:33

I met my boyfriend a year ago...although we liked each other we had a connection since then but during that time we were both healing from our previous relationships. So we began as friends never got intimate, just friends. We were going on dates with other people until more like seeing other people to get over our exes. Then months later we decided to be exclusive with each other because our connection is just our of this world, it feels so right. So perfect. Then months down the line I recieved a message from a woman he was seeing after his bad break up... Asking me if I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and if I knew that she's expecting his child...I was so torn. With that information I asked him about her and the story she tells me. He admitted that they were together although things were rocky between the two and they seemed to be sex partners more than being in a relationship and didn't break things off formally because he thought they weren't exclusive, also went ahead saying that she did suspect that she could be pregnant by him...and that he told her he doesn't want the child and asked her what were her thoughts and how she felt about it but apparently she went ahead just saying "okay"... So they started planning to terminate the pregnancy. I asked the woman if what he said was true but she didn't say exactly what was going on instead she sent screen shots of conversations between both of them. And in those screen shots there wete conversations saying they planning to terminate and (according to me) evertyime she would talk to him he responds in a manner that shows no interest in the relationship they had...so then he officially broke up with her. And she kept quiet.

Now a few days ago my boyfriend's mother got a phone from his ex's aunt about her pregnancy. My boyfriend got so mad at the fact that she went quiet is along knowing they agreed on not keeping the pregnancy.

Now I told him that no matter what she decides I'll support him because I love him so much . I am well aware of how things will turn out to be once the baby arrives because I am a mother myself and I'm co parenting with my ex fiance. What puzzles me is that how do I deal with this whole situation. Because his ex just decided to keep the pregnancy without him knowing... Could she be doing this for revenge? Because shen he asks her why she kept it... Her reasoning kept on changing and not being straight forward. "the religion doesn't allow it" or "its too late to terminate now" or "her health"...

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 15/11/2018 05:07

Dump him
He is an arsehole.

blackcat86 · 15/11/2018 05:10

She is telling you her reasons, you're just not listening to her. So she's said religious reasons, the impact on her health and because she feels it's too late to terminate. These are all perfectly good reasons (or just because she damn well wants to keep the baby) but you're ignoring what she's saying and jumping to revenge. A termination is a big decision and she may just have changed her mind.You're being quite self focused here. How do you deal with it, is it about revenge etc? Probably not. I appreciate that she contacted you which was a silly thing for her to do as she should be communicating with your boyfriend only and sounds like a bit of a 'oh look what you're boyfriend's been up to'. I think you should politely message her and remind her that whilst you support your boyfriend and would happily support his child being part of your lives, its not your child it's theirs and they need to be the ones communicating not you and her. He then needs to step up, pay for his child, support her and co parent.

AdaColeman · 15/11/2018 05:21

This won't end well for you. Get out now. Don't even think of "supporting" such an irresponsible liar.

Flooffloof · 15/11/2018 05:27

You think some one made the life altering decision to keep a baby just for revenge?

A whole of life commitment? Just to cock a snook?
Kind of dramatic no?

lovetherisingsun · 15/11/2018 05:58

He sounds like a horrible, selfish, immature cunt.

His ex can't bring herself to terminate the child he helped to create then pushed for her to get rid of. Her right, her body, her choice. My SIL got a termination 15 years ago and she still receives counselling for it. It's not some light hearted lar-de-dah decision to make - medication is often involved, having to see people pregnant, knowing that x amount of years down the line the child would've been x years old and in school etc. And so much more to that. And he threw a tantrum because, now that his and his ex's families are tied together for the rest of their lives, the aunt rang his mum, who is going to be a grandmother? Fucking immature twat.

lovetherisingsun · 15/11/2018 05:58

You sound like a couple of children. How old are you? Early to mid twenties maybe?

Villagelifer · 15/11/2018 06:16

I don't think the answer to this is what you want to hear.

GertrudeCB · 15/11/2018 06:23

Run.

cees · 15/11/2018 06:31

Yeah wake up and drop him.

strawberrisc · 15/11/2018 06:39

No woman ever continued with a pregnancy “for revenge”.

Of all the billions of women who ever got pregnant but the man didn’t want them? So not true.

NorksAreMessy · 15/11/2018 06:40

Well, he doesn’t sound very nice, responsible or kind at all.

Just exactly what is so attractive about the two timing contraception-dodger?

BitchQueen90 · 15/11/2018 06:44

He sounds a prick.

And you need to prioritise yourself and your DC over this car crash relationship.

Your boyfriend needs to focus on his child to be. Whether he wanted the child or not, he should do the right thing and step up.

ZenNudist · 15/11/2018 06:46

Urgh, get away from him now. Dont inflict this shit on your child

dustarr73 · 15/11/2018 06:47

Right im going to get shot for saying this.Maybe its not his baby.And before paying any maintenance i would get a dna test.

Plus they where fbby the sounds of it.Just because the woman thought they where in a relationship doesnt make it true.

And im sure the op realised there was an overlap when she found out the woman was pregnant.

Sisgal · 15/11/2018 06:48

Grow the fuck up.

Dirtybadger · 15/11/2018 06:58

This must be pretty recent.

Legal limit in the UK is 23+6. But the further along she is, the harder that decision becomes. Lots of women change their mind when they find out how far they are, etc.

Also it doesn't sound like he has been remotely supportive. He asked her to terminate. Then what? She may have asked him not to, but he hasn't kept in touch with regards to her appointments for her termination? And now she is having his baby and his response is to ask why....surely he can understand some women just can't go ahead with terminating? To her this is now "a baby" I imagine.

He needs to wake the fuck up and start showing some support.

I wouldn't touch this one with a barge pole. It's been a few months max- you're not obliged to hang around for this.

diddl · 15/11/2018 07:00

"I'll support him because I love him so much" [hmm

"What puzzles me is that how do I deal with this whole situation."-Leave him.

Beaverhausen · 15/11/2018 07:01

Oh I am so giddy for you, the love it just oozes out of your pores.

God help you if you ever fall pregnant by this dickhead.

So here are my 5p worth/

Have you ever considered that she does not want him involved with the child?

Going by his aggressiveness in hearing that she is still pregnant would ring alarm bells to me but then again all you see are buterflies and little pink cherubs.

Leave the woman alone being a mother yourself you should know how stressful your first pregnancy can be, she does not need this aggrevation right now.

PerverseConverse · 15/11/2018 07:04

Good god, it's like Jeremy Kyle. You both sound very immature. He's cheated on you with her or possibly the other way round as not convinced she was ever his ex. He obviously doesn't love either of you. He won't have much time for you once the baby arrives as he'll be spending time with her and the baby. The only way to deal with the situation is to end the relationship. Raise your bar higher and never accept such crap again.

SoupDragon · 15/11/2018 07:15

my boyfriend's mother got a phone from his ex's aunt

How?? Are they friends?

EK36 · 15/11/2018 07:21

No...he told her he didnt want it and broke up with her. So she went on to have the baby on her own with no support from him. All the best to the ex and the new baby. You boyfriend sounds like a duck. He though she would do what he said and didnt bother to see what was happening with her situation. You shouldn't be involved in the situation as it has nothing to do with you.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 15/11/2018 07:27

Gotta love a revenge baby! 🙄
Abortion is a massive deal to most women. Maybe she agreed but actually felt she couldn't go through it.
**

Wednesdaypig · 15/11/2018 07:28

It seems ridiculous in our enlightened, sex-educated times that some men STILL don't take any responsibility for contraception. Even if a woman says she's on the pill/infertile/wrong time of the month why wouldn't a man protect himself health-wise re casual sex? This is apart from the possibility of an unwanted child.
I would break up now and see how it all settles down. See how you both feel in a couple of years time.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 15/11/2018 07:29

Her reasons don't matter. He needs to step up and behave responsibly now. Make the best of a bad situation. If he doesn't, does that make him attractive? I wouldn't respect him if he didn't step up.

The timings are also blurry and you are glossing over his behavior and blaming her rather than him. I think you are in denial about his part in this.

BertrandRussell · 15/11/2018 07:30

Dump him. He’s an arsehole.