My boyfriend's ex is keeping the baby he never wanted. How do I deal with it?

[Bhengu02]

I met my boyfriend a year ago...although we liked each other we had a connection since then but during that time we were both healing from our previous relationships. So we began as friends never got intimate, just friends. We were going on dates with other people until more like seeing other people to get over our exes. Then months later we decided to be exclusive with each other because our connection is just our of this world, it feels so right. So perfect. Then months down the line I recieved a message from a woman he was seeing after his bad break up... Asking me if I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and if I knew that she's expecting his child...I was so torn. With that information I asked him about her and the story she tells me. He admitted that they were together although things were rocky between the two and they seemed to be sex partners more than being in a relationship and didn't break things off formally because he thought they weren't exclusive, also went ahead saying that she did suspect that she could be pregnant by him...and that he told her he doesn't want the child and asked her what were her thoughts and how she felt about it but apparently she went ahead just saying "okay"... So they started planning to terminate the pregnancy. I asked the woman if what he said was true but she didn't say exactly what was going on instead she sent screen shots of conversations between both of them. And in those screen shots there wete conversations saying they planning to terminate and (according to me) evertyime she would talk to him he responds in a manner that shows no interest in the relationship they had...so then he officially broke up with her. And she kept quiet.

Now a few days ago my boyfriend's mother got a phone from his ex's aunt about her pregnancy. My boyfriend got so mad at the fact that she went quiet is along knowing they agreed on not keeping the pregnancy.

Now I told him that no matter what she decides I'll support him because I love him so much . I am well aware of how things will turn out to be once the baby arrives because I am a mother myself and I'm co parenting with my ex fiance. What puzzles me is that how do I deal with this whole situation. Because his ex just decided to keep the pregnancy without him knowing... Could she be doing this for revenge? Because shen he asks her why she kept it... Her reasoning kept on changing and not being straight forward. "the religion doesn't allow it" or "its too late to terminate now" or "her health"...

Three pages of posts so far Bhengu02, all encouraging you to end this relationship.

If you decide to continue regardless, then at the very least you should heed all the points raised by SendintheArdwolves in this post Thu 15-Nov-18 07:52:58.

Good luck.

For your future sanity please do not think you are "better" than her or he loves you more because you have a connection.

You are likely to be be blind because you feel in love but us as outsiders can hear the warning bells.

Do not rush into any commitment with this man...
This sounds harsh and even unbelievable but do you have something he might want, such as a home and good income?

Be very careful as I suspect this man is not who you think he is.

I agree with the hive mind, OP. He sounds like an immature arsehole.

Be wary of placing too much importance on an 'amazing connection', as it likely isn't all it seems. Some men excel at turning on all this wonderful attention in the initial stages of a relationship, and then lose interest pretty soon after feeling sure of their catch. In other cases an 'amazing connection/chemistry' is purely because the person triggers issues from childhood that are not necessarily healthy, e.g. somebody who grew up scared of an angry, shouty father may find themselves feeling amazing chemistry with a partner who is just the same. This can occur even before the partner starts pulling the angry, shouty shit. Somehow we are drawn to those who recreate our childhood experiences.

I know it's painful, but for your own and your child's sake, wise up to this man.

Untangle yourself from this while you still have your sanity.

I was in the same situation and it gets very messy.

Well, your B/F is financially responsible whether he likes it or not, but if he wants to be one of these wankers who don't want any part in their child's life, it wouldn't surprise me if his ex is quite relieved.

I doubt if any woman would have a baby, and take on a lifetime of responsibility, hard work and emotional roller-coasting "for revenge"!

Her reasons for not terminating kept changing - well maybe he shot each one down in flames and made it hard for her.

Religion - WHAT?1 When did you last go to church?

Too late - Nah - they'll do really late ones these days

Health* - Why - what's wrong with your health. Other women do it.

*Especially if worries about her health are linked to a late termination

You say you have a child yourself - can you not remember the huge feelings of love and protection you felt for you baby from the moment you knew it existed? Maybe she feels the same.

And I bet you anything he knew she was having the baby.

Run

You boyfriend sounds like a duck.

Freudian Autocorrect strikes again!

You'd be quackers to stay with him!

Read the wise words of @SendintheArdwolves

Embroider them on a Sampler and hang them over the mantelpiece.

They will save you (and your child) from much grief and heartbreak.

OP, you are kidding yourself, move on.

All this “he said”/“she said” drama. Is this the sort of life you want OP? Are these the sort of people you want around your own child? It’s all very immature and irresponsible. You need to think very hard about your own choices here.

Let’s cut to the chase he’s got her pregnant whilst supposedly with you. If she’s choosing not to terminate that’s her choice and I wouldn’t want to be with some dickhead who would try and force a woman to abort a baby because it was an inconvenience to him. I bet he’ll be a rotten father and I couldn’t be with someone like that either, he’ll probably try and wriggle out of his financial responsibility too.

You should tell him to fuck off OP.

Gosh, it's nothing to do with him or You what she does.
I hope he's going to support his child financially.
I hope you've made it clear that you'd like to be exclusive so there's no problem him understanding this.
Although there's a vacancy for another woman now he's finally finished with the ex gf.
Do you not think you could do a bit better considering you already have a child with another man?

Trip trap

Oh he's got you dancing to his jig. Slow clap.

He wasn't exclusive with you. You weren't exclusive with him. And now there's someone else's baby on the way. C'est la vie. There's nowt you can do about this.
You have the option of not giving a toss about his ex and HER choices. And mark my words, two years down the line, you won't be dedicating alternate weekends to your stepchild because if you have any sense at all, you'll remove your BF's hook from your mouth and swim away from him.
Focus on your child, OP, not your BF's ex's pregnancy. It's her time and her choice to be a mother. And that's just the way it goes.

Well he sounds like a catch!

He’s playing you, and you know it. Those dates are waaaay out.

Those rose tinted spectacles are doing a good job of making him look reasonable in this.

Is there the remotest chance that you could contact the OW independently of your boyfriend, in a civil way? On the principle that, whatever happens between you and DP, she is the mother of his child, and he will bear some responsibility for it, maybe even regular contact? You already have some experience of co-parenting with your ex-fiancé; I'm beginning to wonder how the logistics on these domestic arrangements will work. Will the two sprogs become acquainted, or are you planning a segregated shift system?
She has made the initial contact, but thus far, you've only heard his version of events. It may even be that he is living in dread of the pair of you meeting up and comparing notes - maybe even diary dates......

You love him and want to believe he is a poor guy that is getting a bad deal.

Revenge? Ridiculous.

He sounds callous, cold and irresponsible. It takes two to make a baby. He could if worn a condom if this was a woman he had no interest in beyond sex.

I feel sorry for you, op. You are not willing to see him for what he is. He's nasty.

Oh FGS
Why do you think you and your children can benefit from having this shit in your life?
He sounds awful. Stop loving him. Get a grip and get rid.

You sound brainwashed. Like many others on her I’ve been in a position where I could be perceived as having a baby for revenge but honestly why would anyone?
If your beloved BF is anything like my ex the mum-to-be will have to fight tooth and nail for any financial support from your BF as well as being a single mother. Which while rewarding is not an easy thing to do- as you know.

So your boyfriend was shagging around on you - cheat.
He knew his ex was pg and didn't tell you - but waited for someone else to - coward.
He told his ex to abort and dumped her - bastard.

The way he treated her will be the way he treats YOU too, OP, so be warned.

Who keeps a baby for revenge, ffs?? Women have a baby because they love the baby, they don't want to have an abortion, etc. He got her pg. What she does with the pregnancy is UP TO HER. How would you like your partner telling you to have an abortion? Her reasons are NONE of your business.

I'd end this car crash of a relationship and set your bar a lot bloody higher next time. Do your kids need all this shit?

Your partner should support his baby and step up.

And I bet you anything he knew she was having the baby.

Of course he did, this is why OP suddenly became the love of his life from being just a friend, because he needed someone to run to when he realised he had made his girlfriend pregnant and he didn't want a baby.

I bet she was the one he had a wonderful connection with and he was just messing about with you and others on the side, until she got pregnant.

knowing they agreed on not keeping the pregnancy. But they didn't agree, did they? He told her he didn't want it, and didn't wait for her answer to how she felt before he decided she (not they) should terminate it.

Could she be doing this for revenge? NO ONE has a baby for revenge, op. You have to commit to be a parent for the rest of your life, that isn't about revenge.

Her reasoning kept on changing and not being straight forward She's keeping because she wants it, it's actually none of his business as he isn't interested in the baby.

You love and want to support a man that possibly cheated on you or at least shagged about got said lady pregnant and then did a runner on her, never bothered to find out what was happening with his own possible child, kept it all from you then when she tells you he makes up some shit about revenge, revenge for what exactly? Cos he treated her like shit maybe?

Good luck financially supporting this dick heads JK style choices and being in the middle of him and her arranging child access and maintenance, you must be mad to get involved any further with him.