My boyfriend's ex is keeping the baby he never wanted. How do I deal with it?

[Bhengu02]

I met my boyfriend a year ago...although we liked each other we had a connection since then but during that time we were both healing from our previous relationships. So we began as friends never got intimate, just friends. We were going on dates with other people until more like seeing other people to get over our exes. Then months later we decided to be exclusive with each other because our connection is just our of this world, it feels so right. So perfect. Then months down the line I recieved a message from a woman he was seeing after his bad break up... Asking me if I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and if I knew that she's expecting his child...I was so torn. With that information I asked him about her and the story she tells me. He admitted that they were together although things were rocky between the two and they seemed to be sex partners more than being in a relationship and didn't break things off formally because he thought they weren't exclusive, also went ahead saying that she did suspect that she could be pregnant by him...and that he told her he doesn't want the child and asked her what were her thoughts and how she felt about it but apparently she went ahead just saying "okay"... So they started planning to terminate the pregnancy. I asked the woman if what he said was true but she didn't say exactly what was going on instead she sent screen shots of conversations between both of them. And in those screen shots there wete conversations saying they planning to terminate and (according to me) evertyime she would talk to him he responds in a manner that shows no interest in the relationship they had...so then he officially broke up with her. And she kept quiet.

Now a few days ago my boyfriend's mother got a phone from his ex's aunt about her pregnancy. My boyfriend got so mad at the fact that she went quiet is along knowing they agreed on not keeping the pregnancy.

Now I told him that no matter what she decides I'll support him because I love him so much . I am well aware of how things will turn out to be once the baby arrives because I am a mother myself and I'm co parenting with my ex fiance. What puzzles me is that how do I deal with this whole situation. Because his ex just decided to keep the pregnancy without him knowing... Could she be doing this for revenge? Because shen he asks her why she kept it... Her reasoning kept on changing and not being straight forward. "the religion doesn't allow it" or "its too late to terminate now" or "her health"...

• So here are my 5p worth/

Have you ever considered that she does not want him involved with the child?

Going by his aggressiveness in hearing that she is still pregnant would ring alarm bells to me but then again all you see are buterflies and little pink cherubs.

Leave the woman alone being a mother yourself you should know how stressful your first pregnancy can be, she does not need this aggrevation right now.*

I agree with this 100%!

I am also worried you have told him you will support any decision he makes?
So I take it you are ok with a man choosing not to have anything to do with his baby? I may have to remove my judgey pants swiftly because I have a whole lot to say and I guarantee you won't like it!

Actually I will retract that statement as I see you said whatever she decides. I read wrong!

Wow what a catch, the positive is though you have seen early doors that this man is a dick before you drag him into your child's life or get pregnant by him. So do the sensible thing dump his sorry arse and say a silent thank you that you dodged a bullet and maybe have a break from men until you've grown up a bit.

He had unprotected sex with a woman he considered himself to be in a casual relationship with.

He never broke up with her properly because he didn't think it was a proper exclusive relationship (despite her being pregnant).

He pressured her into agreeing to a termination and never bothered to check on her, support her, nothing, just walked away.

He never told you about any of this, despite you being friends while it was ongoing, and then his girlfriend (or he was cheating on her with you, the timeline isn't clear as pp have said).

Now this poor woman, possibly cheated on, abandoned, making huge decisions about her life and probably terrified of single parenthood, contacts you and you're questioning her motives! I imagine her motives are 'warning you what a prick he is.'

If you won't dump him - and you do sound deluded - please double up on contraception, urge him to support her financially and just keep in mind at all times that he could walk away from you in exactly the same way. I don't know why you would want him in your life, or your children's lives, but be on your guard.

Run . Now.

Revenge? He's either already warping your mind or you're clutching at straws. Reread your post will you. People don't go around having children and all that entails, to get one up on your lowlife bf

At the very least he has kept this massively important info secret from you. If another woman is pregnant by him, he should have been the one to tell you.

I doubt that's the only thing he's keeping from you.

He's a tool. Sorry.

He sounds dishonest, and I must say you do not seem particularly smart for listening to his twaddle.

You would be much better off recognising that he is worthless and moving on now, but if you choose not to do that then you need to accept that he has a child (conceived while you and he were establishing your amazing bond) and he is responsible for that child, and will be co-parenting with his ex for 18 years.

OK, you asked "how should I deal with this?" not "should I stay with this man?" so:

A) Boundaries. You are going to need them. Check out the captain awkward blog, go on an assertiveness course, read some books.

B) Don't become financially embroiled with this man. Do not move in with him, buy shared items or get a joint account. Under no circumstances ever lend him money. When he asks (he will) your line is "I'm afraid my budget won't stretch that far - all my money is earmarked for things my son and I need".

C) Use barrier protection for sex. This guy will continue to sleep with other people so you need to protect yourself with condoms. A backup method to prevent pregnancy would also be a good idea.

D) Do not allow or encourage him to act like a stepdad to your son. It will only give you another excuse not to address any bad behaviour from your boyfriend - "but my DS loves him so much!!" etc. Keep him as your boyfriend, not someone you get your kid all mixed up with.

E) Did I say don't lend him money? Don't get pregnant either.

F) Stay out of his relationship with the mother of his child as much as possible. He can rant to other people about what a bitch she is, how unfair it is, etc. When he is with you, he can talk about all the other aspects of his life that aren't his ex partner.

G) OP, be honest with yourself. You know this man to be a liar, a cheat, a manipulator and a weasel. Never forget that he lies to you and cheats on you - filter all the information he gives you through that knowledge. If all you have to go on is his account of something (Eg he is the one saying his ex is crazy, wants him back, is doing it for revenge, etc) then always remind yourself that he is a proven liar and cheat, and make your judgements accordingly.

Put yourself and your son in front of him.

Wow, he sounds like low-rent Jeremy Kyle material. Why on Earth would anyone want this specimen in their lives? You'd have to be desperate, and well, not very clever. He's a prick. I'd get to the STI clinic.

I'm literally that ex!!!! These stories are so similar.

I've just had my ex boyfriends baby while he's fucking a 23 year old student: oh and he tried to force me to have an abortion too.

I kept my baby for religious reasons and the fact that I would never be able to forgive myself if I terminated. (No judgement on those who do)

And let me tell you, no woman keeps a baby for revenge. They keep it because they love the baby.

You know when you read on here women moaning about their dick of an OH & you wonder how/why did they get with them?

I guess this shows that some women do it willingly...

Christ on a bike.

Sometimes I despair at how gullible women are. What happens to them in their childhoods that they're happy to be treated like shit - and collude with a man to treat other women like shit.

"The timings are also blurry and you are glossing over his behavior and blaming her rather than him."

I'm another one who thinks the timings are a bit blurry, but I wonder if you are deliberately blurring them in the way you relate your tale.

Either way, he has been with her fairly recently, so either he cheated on you or you and he decided to be 'exclusive' very recently indeed. From your point of view, he doesn't sound like a keeper and I think you should end the relationship before your life becomes even more entwined with his. I really hope you haven't allowed this man to be involved in your child's life (but I suspect you probably have).

He sounds like an immature dickhead OP. I know you won't dump him because yanno, connection. But for the love of God, don't get pregnant to him. He isn't a keeper.

Any person not supporting their child is a twat. I know you 'love him so much' so are slightly clouded in your judgement of him but from the outside he's behaving appallingly and you're going along with it.

I feel sorry for the kids in this situation. It sounds like such a shitshow

Do not allow him to play a role as step dad with your child - put them first and slow down with this man. He comes across as an idiot at best and a scum bag at worst.
It’s her baby she has a right to keep her baby, she does not need to explain anything to you.
Keep out of their parental relationship if his ex allows it he should be supportive, attended any appointments if she’s happy with that and when baby is here he will need to go and visit at her home without you. Think very carefully and consider wether you can cope with that and not be difficult. He’s a twat regardless so good luck with that!

Yep. You’ve got stars in your eyes. You’d be better off single than with this wanker. He told a woman he wanted her to get an abortion, and is cracking the shits now because she didn’t obey? Christ almighty. Any reason why he didn’t use condoms, or does this charmer see contraception as the woman’s responsibility?

Have you ever had to decide whether or not to go ahead with an unplanned pregnancy? I have. Trying to unpack all of the emotions I was dealing with was extremely complex and stressful. For you to boil such a life-changing decision down to simple “revenge” is childish and, dare I say it, somewhat misogynistic.

I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship with him if that is how he responds to his child.

Are you young or perhaps vulnerable as you sound naive. He took a risk sleeping around and has to deal with the consequences. Tbh his attitude towards his pg ex and the baby is very questionable. Why is he not in contact himself? You and your ds would be best off out of any ensuing drama.

I am that ex too. He did not support the entire pregnancy or check in on me or appointments. Literally all I had from him on the few occasions we did speak was guilt tripping anger and insults. No financial support. He was busy forming a new relationship. Very spiteful and selfish of the pair of them. Don't enable and support this prick.

OP, I wouldn't judge her. Termination isn't as easy as you may think. If he didn't want her to get pregnant then he should have used contraception.

Also, I would leave a man who says he doesn't want anything to do with his own child.

If I were you OP I'd run far away from this mess. And no, she's not doing this for revenge.