Fiancée lost control in a argument

[lolla591]

My partner and I have been together for approx 3 years now and we have just had our first baby girl who is 8 weeks old. Everything has been so perfect, we hardly ever argue and we are engaged to be married in 10 months.

However, this weekend we went out with friends to celebrate our daughters birth and he drank too much too quickly, I was angry because he was supposed to be driving so I had the car tomorrow to take our daughter the doctors. When we got home I confronted him about how it had annoyed me and after discussing it for about 2 minutes he lost control. He smashed 2 large glasses and a candle holder across the room, narrowly missing me who was stood holding the baby.

I told him to get out and on his way out he smashed up the front door, the bins, his bike and ripped up all his clothes! My mum rushed over in seconds and got my daughter out of harms way.

He kept coming back getting more angry and really scared me. His cousin got him in the end and forced him to go to work the next day. He text me apologising profusely and came over after work, I could tell he really was sorry and really upset with what he did.

This is the first time I have ever experience anything like this and a lot of forums just say get out now, he will do it again. But is it possible it could be a one off and never happen again? He has agreed to stop drinking completely, and I have agreed a second chance. But I just can't stop thinking about it and I don't know what to do. Anyone experienced anything similar? Is it possible to get over something like this?

If I were you, I would end it now for the sake of you and your baby.

Once a man has crossed that line, there's no going back.

Report this to the police, OP. There is absolutely no excuse for him putting your baby in harms way. For your baby’s sake you need to do this. If you don’t do this now and things get worse, you’ll have no evidence of this behaviour. Get out of this relationship NOW. No excuses will ever be acceptable for this behaviour and do you really want to put your baby at risk just in case this ‘is a one off’. Is your baby’s safety more important than your relationship? I really hope so.

Sorry but he was violent towards you and your baby. He has crossed that line and there is no going back. You havr to leave for the safety of your baby and your own.

There is a high chance that he will do it again and I wold be very wary. But I would also recognise that the arrival of a new baby places a huge strain on a relationship and perhaps, even if he doesn't realise it, he is feeling displaced. I would certainly seek professional advice and perhaps counselling for both of you - and I would make it very clear to him that if he's in the last chance saloon.

I spent 18 years living with a husband who had a vile temper and even though he was never physically abusive to me, I spent my life on tenterhooks trying not to upset him myself or let our children annoy him. It was only after we separated that I realised how much he had warped my life and shut me down as a person and I wish now that I had realised much sooner how unacceptable his behaviour was and had made that clear to him.

He cannot be allowed to be alone with you and baby. There is NO excuse for his violent, dangerous behaviour.

If you had said in temper he smashed a glass I could forgive that but to smash/throw several objects and then continue smashing up stuff outside....not a chance!

Eh? None of us can speak for all men.

One of my closest friends called me once and said she had lost control with her partner a!d slapped him. It was totally out of character for her and she was appalled, immediately went for counselling.

She has never, to my know in the 18 years I've know her, repeated the incident or anything like it.

I really feel for you OP, this is only a decision you can make.

How much does he usually drink?

There is almost zero chance that this is a one off I'm afraid

You will now be forever walking eggshells.
Will he do anything like it again???
Will I say something that might make him kick off again?
Will I do something that might make him kick off again?
There really is no coming back from this.

Apart from not drinking, has he agreed to do anything else?
Counselling?
Anger management?
Something is very wrong with him and he needs to address it.

He needs to move out for a while.
If you really want to keep trying then he needs to get the help he needs.
He needs to leave you alone for set amount of time while he works on himself.
Once he has proved he can be a decent human being again, then after that time (6-12 months) you can revisit a reunion!?

No chance it is a one off. Pregnancy/ arrival of babies are a classic time for abuse to start/ escalate.

He needs anger management therapy but even that might not help. You have to put your baby first. Get shot of him. The anger he displayed sounds terrifying. Has he got a problem with alcohol?

Think straight for a minute. Yes he's sorry and no he hasn't done it before but your mum had to rescue your 8 week old baby! She should have called the police.

This will not go away, you'll forever be wary of him and like someone said find yourself treading on eggshells.it is not easy to stop drinking and it's a very stressful tying to do sometimes.

Leave him and if you must give him 10 months to prove himself.

If you let him get away with this it sends a message that he can do whatever he wants

He throws things that almost hit your 8 week old baby.

End. Of.

Whatever you decide, I advise you to most certainly not marry him. Postpone that for the foreseeable future.

I would think very wisely as to where your future takes you. And I would also not risk leaving the baby unattended in his presence

Zero consequences for him then, he apologised and he was allowed back home. Next time, what happens if your mum and his brother aren't around? Genuine question.

If he has agreed to never drink again and you are sure that you will leave if he has even a sip of beer then maybe. Drawing up a behaviour contract that he signs may be a good idea.

When someone shows you who they are believe them

I’m usually kind to people that lose control because I believe everyone does it. I’ve done it.
BUT this went on, after threw a glass past his baby, after your mum arrived, after his cousin arrived, after he’d left the house. So your shock and fear didn’t stop him. Your mum witnessing didn’t stop him. Getting outside made him escalate.
He can’t stay with you.

He must surely know that he has a predisposition to lose control when drunk?

If you were my daughter, no fucking way would I want you and my grand daughter anywhere near him, he is dangerous!

He will do it again. Once the violence shows itself it's much easier for the abuser to do it again. It's out there already.

If you carry on with him, every argument will have you on eggshells. Maybe even actively avoiding confronting him about anything for fear of what could happen.

No he didn't lose control for a second and smash a glass, he threw several things in your direction while you were holding your baby and even after your mum and his cousin arrived he continued to be violent! The other forums are right get out now. No second chance you were silly to agree to it

Whilst I completely agree with absolutely all of you, it's just so hard to do. So many complications with our house and money, etc.

If this was the second time anything like this had ever happened, I would not be writing this post and I would be gone without a second thought.

But he's never shown aggression or anything like this before, I wonder if it can just be a one off? He doesn't have a drinking problem therefore not drinking shouldn't be a problem.

Maybe anger management sessions and a break from each other? I just have no idea and I'm honestly devastated as up until this point my life was perfect!

And you want to marry this guy? No way. Get out whilst you can.

Trust me, I’ve been married and divorced, and in an abuse relationship (not my marriage) and it’s shit when you don’t want to be in it, if there was a risk of violence added in it would be helpless.

He didn’t lose it once, he didn’t just smash a glass, he smashed, threw, kept breaking and smashing up, and came back for more. It wasn’t one second of seeing red, it was uncontrollable rage. Why would you want yourself and your baby near that?