Fiancée lost control in a argument

[lolla591]

My partner and I have been together for approx 3 years now and we have just had our first baby girl who is 8 weeks old. Everything has been so perfect, we hardly ever argue and we are engaged to be married in 10 months.

However, this weekend we went out with friends to celebrate our daughters birth and he drank too much too quickly, I was angry because he was supposed to be driving so I had the car tomorrow to take our daughter the doctors. When we got home I confronted him about how it had annoyed me and after discussing it for about 2 minutes he lost control. He smashed 2 large glasses and a candle holder across the room, narrowly missing me who was stood holding the baby.

I told him to get out and on his way out he smashed up the front door, the bins, his bike and ripped up all his clothes! My mum rushed over in seconds and got my daughter out of harms way.

He kept coming back getting more angry and really scared me. His cousin got him in the end and forced him to go to work the next day. He text me apologising profusely and came over after work, I could tell he really was sorry and really upset with what he did.

This is the first time I have ever experience anything like this and a lot of forums just say get out now, he will do it again. But is it possible it could be a one off and never happen again? He has agreed to stop drinking completely, and I have agreed a second chance. But I just can't stop thinking about it and I don't know what to do. Anyone experienced anything similar? Is it possible to get over something like this?

He has very clearly shown you who he really is. Believe him. This is just the beginning.

Well he might not do it again, but chances are he will, and next time, he could throw something that actually hits you, or your daughter. If you think that’s a risk worth taking, that’s up to you, but be real with yourself about it at least.

The fact that it’s complicated is why abuse ramps up after a baby. You are extremely vulnerable. Your baby is extremely vulnerable. It’s not going to get less complicated.
Surely your mum will help you now. I can’t imagine she thinks everything is fine as is.
What would be different about the next time?

Alcohol can have a majorly negative impact on some people, and if he has no previous this may well be the case here. I have seen otherwise decent people behave horribly when very drunk - it happens.
I would certainly postpone the wedding but I dont think there is any need to end things altogether, I think that is very rash for a one-off drunken incident - especially if he is an okay person in all other ways and you get on well.
He has said he will stop drinking, which I think actually is totally fair. You can see how things go from here.

So many complications with our house and money, etc.

I know stuff like housing and money seem like huge issues. But to give some perspective, what if he'd hit one of you with the glass or the ornament? What if one of you had been injured? You'd give the shirt off your back to keep your baby safe wouldn't you, to make sure you're around to love and protect them as they grow. Money and houses can be sorted later. Dead Mum or injured baby though?

Violent men are a danger to our children, and to us. If he hadn't missed? It's not like he snapped and was appalled at himself, he kept going! What if your Mum wasn't able to rescue your baby?

I wonder if it can just be a one off?
Highly unlikely.
If you are on here a lot then you know that abusers tend to show their true colours during pregnancy or once a baby is around.
The loss of your full attention etc......
It's no co-incindence that you have a small baby and now he's being violent.
VERY VERY VERY violent!!!!!
He didn't just throw one thing in the heat of the moment!
Re-read your OP.
What will you say to your daughter when she comes to you for advice and has been through what you have?
Tell yourself what you would tell her!
Respect yourself enough to do the right thing for YOU and your DD!!!!!

It would not be rash to leave. It might be a life saver. Two glasses and a candle holder thrown not only at PP but her baby. Both coulf have been killed.

This will help you. It could also help your partner as they will work with men who own up to their abuse.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/avs.php?search=+&Submit=Submit

Smashing one thing, ok a bad decision we could all do while drunk, upset.

Smashing many things, walking out, then coming back to shout and smash more sounds really bad- more than a snap temper loss.

If you were a friend of mine I'd say he should leave the house and you should think carefully :/

The presence of a helpless vulnerable person (the baby) and the loss of your full attention triggers him into a violent rampage
That's just a massive red flag

I think if he had been drinking and it was literally throwing one thing then he was mortified at what he had done, I might give him the benefit of the doubt but literally a one off chance.

However he seems to have completely lost it and the incident carried on and on even in front of other people. That part is especially worrying.

What if he can’t stick to the not drinking? You would be living on eggshells.

I would also be worried that even if he could hold it together at home that he could completely lose control in another situation eg at work or on a night out. I wouldn’t be able to trust him. I think it’s rare to lose it so completely so I would be worried if I were you.

I manage to drink and not start throwing things so he should as well. It's not an excuse.
The only option is to leave him. Next time he could throw something that hits you and your child. Don't even think of taking him back.

Jesus, he nearly killed you and your child and you have him back under the roof already; for god's sake, show him you are worth more than this and you will protect your child; he's seriously fucked up to do any of that, do not take him back until he has been on some anger management counselling, keep him gone, he's a fucken loony who could murder your child, drink or no drink, what decent human behaves like that.

You are being very silly letting this go OP.

It's worth reading this article.

Good luck!

www.centersite.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=advice&id=1510&at=7&cn=14&d=1

Alcohol doesn't change people - it brings out their character. He may have his issues under control most of the time but this aspect is there under the surface.

For it to be a one-off there must be unusual circumstances to make this the case. Are there? If not, this is how he is deep down. And if he gets upset again it will be the same. Can you live in fear for the rest of your life?

I think you should throw him out.

I think you're looking for reasons to let him stay, and I totally understand that. You have a wee baby and it's scary.

So what's important is what happens now, in the next day. The alcohol will have left his system, he's apologised and has started to get over his immediate shock at what he's done.

Ask him to move out and get anger management.
Say you don't want to see him on his own for at least three months.
Tell him that he can of course have contact with his baby, but that needs to be supervised by you and one other person.
Tell him it's going to take all this to make you even think about trusting him again.

If he says yes and is grateful for a second chance, then OK - it's then up to you.

If he says no, tries to argue, minimise, blame, say he'll do a bit of it but not the rest of it, then you'll know what to do.

I think that given that the trigger for his violence and aggression was he had drunk too much to drive, I would leave.

The fact he then smashed loads of other stuff up...

The fact that he kept coming back, angrier and angrier...

The fact that other family members had to step it to protect you and the baby, and to get him to go to work the next day...

I'm sorry OP. I think you're wanting us all to say 'Oh go on, give him another chance.' but sadly some of us have, and have been through much worse as a result.

I'm really sorry but I think this has to be the end of your relationship, even if it is hard and complicated and a financial pain. Don't put yourself or your baby at risk, which you would be by staying. Nothing is worth that risk. Sorry.

Your neighbours could have called the police which would have resulted in a social services referral. Your beautiful perfect new baby on the at risk register because of his behaviour.
What do you think they would advise you to do?
What would they want him to do?
Would sorry be enough for them?

No. He could've killed your baby. Leave asap.

"If this was the second time anything like this had ever happened, I would not be writing this post and I would be gone without a second thought."

I'd sooner leave now than wait for the possibility their might be a second time he is aggressive. What kind of life is that for you and your child?

Another point OP. Why did he feel the need to have so much to drink to celebrate ? You were with friends, he had agreed to drive home (ie not drink), it wasn't a drunken New Years Eve party when he was young free and single. Was he just expecting to flop on the sofa when he got home and sleep it off, whilst you looked after the baby ? Even without the violence his behaviour was already unacceptable.

You say everything was "perfect" before. Nothing is ever perfect, and that's not a criticism. In your OP you said you confronted him, not that you told him you were sad, or upset or disappointed that he'd drunk so much then couldn't drive. Maybe things have always been peaceful before because you didn't rock the boat ? Now that you have a greater responsibility than him you did confront him - and he smashed things up in response.

If this really is so out of character for him, he'd be in bits. Imagine having potentially either seriously or fatally injured your partner and/or 8 week old baby. I'd be scared of myself and a wreck, trying desperately to understand what had happened and thinking how to address it. Is he like this, or just wanting to come home?

Your DM got your baby out of there but left you there?

If this was the second time anything like this had ever happened, I would not be writing this post and I would be gone without a second thought

But it already has happened more than once - you said yourself that, rather than this being an isolated outburst, "he kept coming back getting more angry and really scared me" and that it took both your mum AND his cousin to intervene to keep you safe

And now he's straight back in the house because he grovelled a bit? Sorry but that wouldn't be enough for me, and it certainly wouldn't be enough for my child

You’re a parent now. Your tiny baby is not safe and it’s your job to look after them. Whatever difficulties in terms of housing, finance etc is nothing compared to this.

If he had hit your baby OP and he could have easily, would you be still thinking it was too hard to decide.

Why don't you just have him stay elsewhere for the minute and see if he gets help for his anger. He has to prove himself this isn't a 'one off'. If he won't then you have th answer you need.

That is not just seeing red for a moment and doing something stupid, he continued to attack you, your baby and your home even after your mother had come for the baby? He could have killed your daughter when throwing stuff at you, and that is not hyperbole. Abuse often starts when women are pregnant or a new baby arrives, have a read on Women's Aid. If he was this out of control and this is the first time he has done it there is no way on earth you should consider staying to find out what he will do next time. Please for your daughters sake, report this to the police and get evidence of this violence on record, move in with your mum and work out what to do with housing/finances and then sort supervised contact in court so it is watertight. You may have seemed to have had a perfect life, and I understand it is hard to walk away from that, but a man that has actively tried to harm you and your tiny newborn is never going to be part of a perfect or even vaugely happy life. Get out now and do the best thing for your daughter, she needs you to protect her.