Fiancée lost control in a argument

[lolla591]

My partner and I have been together for approx 3 years now and we have just had our first baby girl who is 8 weeks old. Everything has been so perfect, we hardly ever argue and we are engaged to be married in 10 months.

However, this weekend we went out with friends to celebrate our daughters birth and he drank too much too quickly, I was angry because he was supposed to be driving so I had the car tomorrow to take our daughter the doctors. When we got home I confronted him about how it had annoyed me and after discussing it for about 2 minutes he lost control. He smashed 2 large glasses and a candle holder across the room, narrowly missing me who was stood holding the baby.

I told him to get out and on his way out he smashed up the front door, the bins, his bike and ripped up all his clothes! My mum rushed over in seconds and got my daughter out of harms way.

He kept coming back getting more angry and really scared me. His cousin got him in the end and forced him to go to work the next day. He text me apologising profusely and came over after work, I could tell he really was sorry and really upset with what he did.

This is the first time I have ever experience anything like this and a lot of forums just say get out now, he will do it again. But is it possible it could be a one off and never happen again? He has agreed to stop drinking completely, and I have agreed a second chance. But I just can't stop thinking about it and I don't know what to do. Anyone experienced anything similar? Is it possible to get over something like this?

Speak to your health visitor. Tell them what happened. Both of you need professional help now. If this is a one off he won't have any issue with professional help. Any resistance to this help RUN.

Having a baby is a major life event and the change can send some people over the edge.

I’ll admit I know nothing about dv but I do know about people who have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
I might be way off here but “the next time” might be 3 years from now because you have submitted and averting every flash point, and taken yourself and your baby away when he’s potentially going to be violent. That’s no life.
Can you honestly not be scared in his presence again?
I knew I was being ds up differently because when me and DH were arguing (heated, but not aggressive) ds wanted in and out cartoons on. He wasn’t staying out the way worried sick.
I’m sorry for pilling on but I can’t get passed the image of glass flying past a tiny baby. God knows I’m sure you’re reliving it.

A flying ornament can kill an 8 week old.

If you don't leave after the first you're less likely to leave after the second.

So sorry that your partner has turned out to be an abuser. You know what you have to do and no-one will tell you differently.

I think it's very concerning that this went on for so long. He didn't throw something then storm out, his anger was sustained and he wasn't able to calm down. You need to talk this through with someone impartial so you can be entirely honest about what happened. Your child was not safe.

No complications of house, money etc are enough to stay. This will not be a one off. My sil's sister was nearly killed on "only" the third time her husband did this so it didn't take years of little incidents building. Please leave, no matter how hard it is, hard it seems or how sorry he is.

Alcohol doesn't change people - it brings out their character. He may have his issues under control most of the time but this aspect is there under the surface.

Exactly that - my partner becomes a bit silly and likes a discussion when drunk. The closest he comes to getting angry when drunk is making annoying sarcastic remarks on purpose - not smashing things up.

Don't marry this man - and make sure you have your own finances sorted.

This isn't "losing control" for a minute OP, this is a sustained violent attack on you and your baby. Smashing one glass on the floor in a moment of anger whilst drunk is possible forgiveable. But throwing multiple glass items so they smash next to you and his baby? Repeatedly returning to do more violent damage, destroying your home, his possessions - needing to be forcibly removed? This is not a minor drunken fuck up, it was a sustained, escalating violent attack on both you and his own innocent infant. You need to end this relationship immediately, for the sake of your child. You are a mum now and your job is to protect your baby. What if a shard of glass went into her face or little arm? It could have happened. This time it was not your fault. Next time (because you know he has a propensity to violence) it will be if you stay with him and your child is hurt. I'm not trying to be cruel - these are the facts. Think well and hard

lolla. Soon you will be writing....
"If this was the tenth time anything like this had ever happened..."

For abusive men, having a baby is often a trigger point, as they see the woman and the new baby as vulnerable easy targets.

The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Get out now.

What happens when your baby gets sick or is teething? That will happen. Lots. What will happen when you’ve all had no sleep for a week and everybody’s tired and stressed and you snap at him (because that happens). Is he going to lose it again?wheres his strategy for that? Right now, you can never leave him alone with the baby. Ever. If he can snap like that, uncontrollably, you can never never trust him. If it was me, He would need to commit to an intensive anger management programme, go to the GP and say what’s happened and get counselling/therapy right now for me to even consider possibly being near him again at some point in the future.

and you really do need to report it to the police in case you split and he tries to get unsupervised access. Your baby is at risk.

Get out, get out, get out.

I have never experienced anything like this before, but due to hearing so many stories I now have a one-strike rule. A man who does this is not a man to be with.

It's scarily common too. I worked with a guy once in a restaurant. He was late showing up for a shift once, so I suggested our manager call him. Our manager told me that he'd had an argument with his girlfriend and thrown the phone rather than hit her. The phone was mangled beyond repair. Yes, it's good he did it to the phone, not her, but that level of anger, even directed at an object rather than a person, is dangerous. If I were his girlfriend, I've have had my bags packed next day.

Yeah sorry but it sounds like he has just let his inner personality out :S it happens with most abusers.

Everything starts fine until either Marriage or Children then suddenly they change and outbursts start happening regularly, Trust me when your child starts screaming all day and night in regressions and teething and just difficult stages then how will he handle that? stomping around kicking and shouting? most likely.

My partner had a couple lil outbursts when we first had our son, one was alcohol induced, we split for a brief time we was both under a lot of stress!
10years later we r still together have DS, DD and DC3 on the way and I know he has grown up and would never dream of behaving in that way again..

Throwing a glass and then being shocked by his own outburst, sobbing on his knees begging for forgiveness would be one thing. But repeated breaking, needing to take time and needing 2 people for the rescue is just really bad. Maybe taking some time apart would help. Then you'd have time to sort put your head.

Not only will it happen again, it will also escalate. It always does.

Been there. Done that. Got the PTSD to prove it.

Alcohol doesn't change people - it brings out their character. He may have his issues under control most of the time but this aspect is there under the surface.

Prior to the baby did you always put his needs first? You know, make sure he was always totally happy. I'm wondering if he never "needed" to get violent with you before because you always did as you were told and never complained if he put you out like he did with the car.

That's often why the abuse comes out after you have a baby. It was always there he just didn't feel the impulse to get rough with you until your priorities changed.

Thank you all for your responses. I'm absolutely gutted, my life is now shattered but I know what I need to do now. This has been really helpful! X

@lolla591 take care of yourself, it sounds like you Mum is there for you. You can do this.

A couple of feet to the left or the right with a glass and your baby could be dead.

Actually dead.

Not only that, but he didn't even care when it happened. He cared so little he continued smashing shit up for minutes afterwards.

I wouldn't contemplate ever letting him near my child again except in the presence of witnesses. Never unsupervised, ever. From now until the child is 18+.

Hi Op,

I'm really sorry to hear about the horrific attack on you and your LO, I can imagine it must be devastating. You are lucky that both of you are okay, don't give him the opportunity to try to hurt either of you again.

Out of interest, were all the things smashed and broken yours and not his? That's also a telltale sign it isn't a one off if you're looking for more clarification.

Did he take some kind of drug at the bar? I saw this happen once with someone and it turned out they had taken some substance along with the drink. Completely drove them off their head. 10 years ago now and to my knowledge it hasn't happened since. I would want to know about drugs.

I think about this situation with 'what if that was my husband?"

He's done things that have hurt me so bad, but once I've flagged them up he never does it again.

Speak to him. Maybe go to anger management and counselling. But if it was to ever happen again I would be out.
But because my husband has always been so lovely and never repeats his mistakes, I would be willing to give him another chance.

My only question now is whether it's safe. This time he missed, if it ever was to happen again what if he accidentally hurt your or baby really bad?

Don't just LTB, You know your situation best just take a break and think about it more. And once again, talk to him very very thoroughly about what happened and the dangers of his actions.
Best of luck OP.

He's done things that have hurt me so bad, but once I've flagged them up he never does it again.

Why hurt you so bad in the first place? He sounds like a child and you are his mother reprimanding him for bad behaviour.

Why the feck should the OP go to any counselling, he needs to do it and prove it to her, we are not talking about just the two of them here, there's a tiny 10 month old innocent baby who nearly had his head battered in, get real!

I'm so sorry Lolla that you're having such an awful time. I'm so glad you've listened to the responses on here. I wish you and your little girl all the very best x

Personally, with my DP I would give him another chance, so long as he never drank that much again. At the first sniff of a repeat I'd be out...