Fiancée lost control in a argument

[lolla591]

My partner and I have been together for approx 3 years now and we have just had our first baby girl who is 8 weeks old. Everything has been so perfect, we hardly ever argue and we are engaged to be married in 10 months.

However, this weekend we went out with friends to celebrate our daughters birth and he drank too much too quickly, I was angry because he was supposed to be driving so I had the car tomorrow to take our daughter the doctors. When we got home I confronted him about how it had annoyed me and after discussing it for about 2 minutes he lost control. He smashed 2 large glasses and a candle holder across the room, narrowly missing me who was stood holding the baby.

I told him to get out and on his way out he smashed up the front door, the bins, his bike and ripped up all his clothes! My mum rushed over in seconds and got my daughter out of harms way.

He kept coming back getting more angry and really scared me. His cousin got him in the end and forced him to go to work the next day. He text me apologising profusely and came over after work, I could tell he really was sorry and really upset with what he did.

This is the first time I have ever experience anything like this and a lot of forums just say get out now, he will do it again. But is it possible it could be a one off and never happen again? He has agreed to stop drinking completely, and I have agreed a second chance. But I just can't stop thinking about it and I don't know what to do. Anyone experienced anything similar? Is it possible to get over something like this?

TheWiseWomansFear - a repeat could result in death or serious harm to the OP or her baby.

Adora When you report an incident like the OPs to your medical team here in the US, they inform dyfus and a whole cascade of fully funded help is opened up to make sure the child is safe. I know the HVs in the UK have good access to help for the OP. She needs to speak to a professional who can help her make sure she and her baby are safe. Authorities need to be aware of what has happened so they can do their job. Its vital to have evidence of the attack having taken place. This is why it's so important to report and make sure the authorities are making a comprehensive record.

The baby could have been injured this time, so it could be injured another time if you stay near him.

Who gives a shit about the chances of him being a reformed man, when an injured child is the alternative?

In no way excusing any of his awful behaviour, and I agree for the safety of you and your child he needs to leave. But, my friends husband who does have form for violent and drunkenness outbursts to her and 'things' recently had an episode like this. He was taking some kind of weightlifting drug - protein?? - and combined with alcohol he went mad! Really nasty, my friend was really shocked and upset and called the police and threw him out. Is there anything like this that could explain it??

For me, what you’ve written sounds terrifying, and that even after he nearly hurt you and DD he carried on, and on. I just don’t think it’s worth a second chance.

I’m a bit scared that you think he’s worth a second chance because of the difficulties in splitting up. If you stay together, it will only get harder, eg baby knows daddy lives with her, you’ll no doubt be pregnant with baby number 2 etc. PLUS the biggie is, will you let it go a second time? And worse, what if he really hurt you or DD next time. (By that I mean hurt you so badly I can’t write it down ).

I think reporting him to the police is a minimum, and he leaves for a while and does counselling. If this truly is a one off he will know that this attack should be reported to the police as an assault because it is, and be beyond horrified at this behaviour. That said I do think it is relationship ending - can you trust him again?

I'm so glad, OP, that you seem to understand the best course of action. Because things won't get less complicated by waiting for a second occurrence. He may keep a lid on it for another 3 years, and by that tie you might be married, a second child etc..... But it wouldn't be 3 years til the second time. It only ever gets worse, and the time between incidents gets less.

Have you thought of checking up on him with the Police, using Clare's Law? They will disclose if he has done things like this before - not that you should stay with him if he hasn't, but if you find he has 'previous' then it will help you stay strong in getting well away from him.

Good luck, stay strong, and stay away.

I'm sorry but I don't believe he has never been violent before. Maybe not to you but to someone else in the past? If you had written he had smashed a glass and stormed out then maybe there could be some hope, but he went berserk, smashed everything up and came back for more before he was restrained by his cousin!! That is truly terrifying. In my book alcohol is NEVER a valid reason for anything, it's just a poor excuse. Please be careful, your baby is too precious to risk her being injured next time.

I am sooo glad to read you understand this has to be the end. Why take a chance when it could be so devastating to be with him in the future and have a repeat? It will not get easier to get out; this is your best chance, and even your Mum saw what happened; it's not just your word about this. I bet you will have her help.

Please take care of yourself.

OP - leave him and end the relationship. He was completely out of order, and others have said he could have killed your baby. This won't be the last time.

Well done for being so strong to end this relationship!

A tale of caution for you; my friend was in a very similar situation, with her partner for 3 years not long had a baby together and went out together one night, he got drunk and they argued, he went ballistic and smashed up the house, brok doors and windows and the police were called, he spent the night in cells.
She forgave him, promised SS that it was a one off and wouldn’t happen again, it was ‘stress’ blah blah ‘he’s never usually like this’, etc.
He did it again, and again, he harassed her, broke in to the house while she was sleeping and on another occasion broke in and attacked and strangled her!
He’s just been sentenced to a 15 months inside.
Abusers like their women vulnerable, now you have a baby his hold over you has strengthened and he’s letting his mask slip because he believes you’re trapped.
Prove him wrong, you can do it!

Well done for being so strong to end this relationship! Erm, she hasn't ended it.

You will see this again. And the rest of the time you’ll be modifying your behaviour because you are afraid of seeing this again.

I think leaving is honestly the best option.

Your daughter cannot protect herself, that is your job. Do it and leave!

@Adora10 we're humans we make mistakes. He's allowed to make mistakes just like I'm sure every single person ever has done.

So what if he's hurt me? He's never meant to hurt me on purpose and never did it again. He'll tell me off if I do something wrong, doesn't liken it to a parent child relationship.

It's good to know you've never had an argument with your SO...

good luck - i think you've made the right decision. God forbid this happens again, and you, or worse, your daughter gets caught in the cross-fire.

OP, you can't have someone around your child who can't control their violent temper.

Kids and teens can be extremely annoying and can test the patience of a saint. It's one thing to take a chance with your own safety but it's not ok for you to take risks on behalf of your child.

I feel for you op. But it's better to have a dream shattered than to live in a violent nightmare.

I know you're thinking of your daughter, and I know his behaviour was out of the blue, but could you ever forgive yourself, if, next time, he hurt your baby.

In this situation, the police should have been called who would then alert SS. What then? Would you be willing to tell them you'd give him another chance?

It's a crappy situation for you but think ahead. He's given you a warning.

Talking as someone who once had the misfortune to fall for a man like this...All charm and caring until one day ...
Please.
He has shown you who he really is.
He is dangerous.
A man who displays such a vile temper and paid no heed to the safety of you or your daughter by smashing glass right by you.
Sure he is sorry until the next time and with a short fuse like that too right there will be another time... then another ...
Please Op whatever you do leave him .
Take care
Please consider going on the Freedom Project.

When your daughter grows up, she might come home and tell,you the exact same scenario. What would your advice to her be?

This man does absolutely not deserve a second chance. He had time to cool off but his behaviour escalated, what if your mum hadn't been there?

I had a friend whose partner became violent after drinking on one occasion. He vowed never to drink again and stuck to it and there has been no reoccurrence. That was years ago. I was dubious at the time but he seems to have pulled it off.

Personally as long as he sticks to the no drinking I would consider giving him one more chance but only you can decide whether he is worth it.

Your Mum had to rush over and remove your baby to safety! Your tiny baby deserves to live in a home where she is safe! As long as your hopefully now ex fiancé is under the same roof she will never be safe!

The fact that he nearly hit you and your tiny baby is terrifying! You have said that he has hurt you terribly in the past, which confirms my fears that this is an abusive relationship! Have a read of the abuser profiles from the Lundy Bancroft book ‘Why does he do that’, there is a summary (which I found through google) you can read here-

m.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-cummings/abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/480862655302912/

I would bet money that you recognise your stbxf there! I am glad that you have realised what you have to do, hopefully you will feel able to follow through with that decision. Please contact Woman’s Aid for advice and look into the freedom program!

He may turn nasty when he realises that you are not towing the line. Be sure to tell someone, be it your g.p or your hv! Don’t let him be demanding to take your newborn overnight or even away from you for long! Newborns NEED to be with their Mummy, it is detrimental to their development for them to be separated/ kept away from you for long.

It's good to know you've never had an argument with your SO...

When did I say this? your post reads like your OH has hurt you a lot and it's only when you pull him up that it doesn't repeat, that to me is concerning but if you are ok with it then fine, I just don't agree with you minimising what has gone on here, it's not about two adults, it's about an innocent baby caught in the cross fire.

I'd be too scared to take him back even if I didnt believe he'd do it again.

I can't live in fear of raising issues for fear of his reaction.

Maybe anger management sessions and a break from each other?

At the very least, but risky, very risky imo.