Fiancée lost control in a argument

[lolla591]

My partner and I have been together for approx 3 years now and we have just had our first baby girl who is 8 weeks old. Everything has been so perfect, we hardly ever argue and we are engaged to be married in 10 months.

However, this weekend we went out with friends to celebrate our daughters birth and he drank too much too quickly, I was angry because he was supposed to be driving so I had the car tomorrow to take our daughter the doctors. When we got home I confronted him about how it had annoyed me and after discussing it for about 2 minutes he lost control. He smashed 2 large glasses and a candle holder across the room, narrowly missing me who was stood holding the baby.

I told him to get out and on his way out he smashed up the front door, the bins, his bike and ripped up all his clothes! My mum rushed over in seconds and got my daughter out of harms way.

He kept coming back getting more angry and really scared me. His cousin got him in the end and forced him to go to work the next day. He text me apologising profusely and came over after work, I could tell he really was sorry and really upset with what he did.

This is the first time I have ever experience anything like this and a lot of forums just say get out now, he will do it again. But is it possible it could be a one off and never happen again? He has agreed to stop drinking completely, and I have agreed a second chance. But I just can't stop thinking about it and I don't know what to do. Anyone experienced anything similar? Is it possible to get over something like this?

No such thing as an exception - just a first time.....

@Adora10
Fair point.
I do think it's risky I wasn't trying to minimise it, I was just wandering what I would do if that was my DP.

can it be a one-off - unlikely. More likely is that next time he can say ' well it obviously wasn't that bad, otherwise you would have left?'

OP - if you are still reading, get out now. Most people, after an episode of drinking and violence like this (out of character) would be mortified, terrified of losing you, horrified at the harm he may have done to you and his child ( the most important and valuable things in his life), would recognise that HE has broken something in you and he has to rebuild it, whilst also recognising that it is UP TO YOU to want to do so. Not him. And HE needs to leave to give you space to come to a calm decision.

Others, (and so many on here will recognise these) will come whining back, leaking from the eyes, complaining about how hard done by they are, how they will of course change (whilst doing absolutely nothing to do so). Women take these bastards back because they believe him, and because the finances and housing is 'complicated' and because if it happens again they will be off....

Men (and women) minimise and blame drink (so do something to stop drinking? ) or sleeplessness and frustration (join the Newborn club ) or something YOU did, or said, or how you looked, or...or...or... etc.,

OP if you are in a commited relationship, you will probably have complicated housing/finances/family. It IS possible to get out, and get out you should.

Over. Game over.

They don't change. Sorry OP. This isn't your fault. He did this. Get out now, for you and the baby.

It was only because he drank, no one was hurt - it's not as bad as people make it, right?
Wrong. What other circumstances trigger or justify uncontrolled violent behaviour (that could have gravely injured a baby)? Welcome to a life of walking on eggshells. It was just luck that no one was hurt.
I don't think I could give a second chance to someone who could pose a threat to my children, but if you want to do it at least don't get married until you're sure of what you're doing.
It's ok to argue with your partner and it's ok to get upset but violence is never ok. Violence involving children is disgusting.
I would never respect my DH if I thought he was capable of it under any circumstances.

If he's serious anger management and giving up the drink is a must.In fact he should want to go anger management any reluctance on his part would be a bad sign.
Drink can change your personality.I once got drunk and argued with someone and felt a really strong urge to punch a friend in the face to shut him up .I was shocked how strong the urge was but I never hit him .That was twenty years ago and I've never felt anything remotely like it since.

It'll be more complicated if he kills you or your dd.

You can not marry him.

Of course it’s hard op. You sound like you want everyone to say “oh it was a one off” “give him a chance” “it’ll never happen again “ etc etc
If you are not prepared to leave this relationship now, and yes, I do understand that it’s hard to say goodbye, then why don’t you wait until it happens again (it will) and I pray that nobody is hurt, god forbid your baby.
You really need to be away from this man

and after discussing it for about 2 minutes he lost control

He smashed 2 large glasses and a candle holder across the room, narrowly missing me who was stood holding the baby

I told him to get out and on his way out he smashed up the front door, the bins, his bike and ripped up all his clothes

My mum rushed over in seconds and got my daughter out of harms way

He kept coming back getting more angry and really scared me

His cousin got him in the end and forced him to go to work the next day

Op why would you want to be around that, if he was a complete stranger and did all that would you still think it's ok?..how many times does he have to be violent before it's not ok ?

Is there anyone else in the world that you would consider living with if they had hurled dangerous objects at your tiny baby in a drunken rage? Anyone?

Unless the answer is yes (and I hope it's not!), then you are making excuses for him because of your relationship. That needs to come second to your baby's safety. He has demonstrated that he is not capable of prioritising your baby's safety so it is ALL down to you.

I would most definitely call the police as who knows what the custody/living arrangements will be after this. A time may come when you really wished the police had something on file about this incident. It may also be the scare he needs to sort himself out.

And yes drink does bring out the violence in (some) people without them being abusive thugs - scuffles etc. But that's a heck of a lot of violence that he had stored up inside waiting for the drink to unlock it. It's not a punched door or fisticuffs with a friend who said something offensive. This is properly dangerous.

Oh awful. This could have ended very badly. This could so easily have been a tragic incident.

Sadly itbis common once a woman has a baby that these 'innocent incidenta' happen. You are vulnerable now, protecting a young baby, and he feels you now are ties to him and cannot leave. This is the first of many.
How else can you ever explain it away?
It's got nothing to do with the alchohol btw, that's being used to cover his sorry arse.
Not RTFT, sorry, but just wanted to show you some support in your shock and horror at this. He will rely on your not understanding and wanting everything to be ok, that whilst you are in shock he can show you is was a strange aberation, obviously down to the drink, and he would never do that again of course.
It does need reporting for your future protections.
So sad for your shock and awe and I hope you are doing ok.

He definitely doesn't need anger management though! If he's serious he'll put himself forward for serious psychiatric evaluation, and he'd stay away, scared of what he might be capable of.
He controlled this to scare you.
You are both lucky to be alive.

How can you ever trust him to feel free to argue with him again

Were you crying, holding your baby, terrified. Your baby suffered this feeling too. That's not your fault, its his.

Op whatever you do, do NOT marry him...do NOT legally tie yourself.to him as it will make things more complicated to get away, where as being unmarried like you are now, you can make a clean break and leave

What scares me about this whole thing is, you were feeling fear, and it wasn't like throw a glass, see your fear, and feel remorse and apologise...that was real rage smashing stuff up,

And the fact that he didn't stop when your mother was present shows hes not bothered,...and the fact that your mother had to get your baby out of there shows that she feared for its safety if it stayed in your arms,

And even when his own cousin turned up h didn't stop did he?..his cousin had to.force him to leave...

That is seriously out of control that you needed the help of two other people to keep you and your baby safe...what are you going to do next time he gets angry?..(you can't say there won't be a next time as everyone feels anger and irritation at some.point)...what are you going to do when you are arguing and he doesn't get his own way and he thinks fuck it, her mum and my cousin know so I have nothing to lose, and then throws something at you or the baby's head...why wouldn't he,?..it's in the open and he knows now that he can be abusive and you still.let him back,

Op if you make.your child.grow up.in that environment and they survive (if he doesn't end up killing it, you or both of you or it doesn't end up in foster care after being removed from abusive environment)..the child will grow to hate and resent you as an adult, as they will see through adult eyes that you could have left him and given them a safe childhood but you out your own wants first and was weak and chose him over your child...

If you do split from him and have to.do visits, do it in a contact centre then you don't have to have him in your home

*put your own wants first

I sounds to me,that this happened after too much booze. and whilst in a boozed up mind, all sorts of things can go through your head.and sudden outbursts of anger, and the throwing and breaking of things.

i don't agree with some people on here,who say, leave the guy, throw him out etc, as you say your life was pretty perfect before. Talking about all things together, is the best thing to do.

Is that what you you then that you understand it so well 1forall74?

If someone does that, its safest not to be around them again.

With a new baby?????!!!!

*Is that what you would do then

I mean is that how you carry on?

Are you op's fiancé then?

1forAll74
The only amount of acceptable abuse in any relationship is NONE!!!!!
NONE!!
He put his baby at risk.
And kept coming back again and again to keep abusing.
Poor OP will treading on eggshells forever more wondering when he might kick off again.
But.... I'm sure as long as she plays the good wife and never challenges him or has her own opinion - then all will be just fine and dandy.
FUCK THAT!

So it's all OK, 1forall? Because he'd been drinking, it's OK?

What happens next time he goes drinking? What happens next time - is that he will hit the OP with one of the broken glasses. Is that OK? Because it's 'perfect' the rest of the time?

What happens if next time he goes drinking he hits the child with one of the things he throws? Is that OK?

You have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol yourself, if you think any of this is OK because of drink.

ANd FYI - it's NOT OK, not with drink - or without.

He didn’t lose control. He took control.

I assume while he was out getting drunk, he didn’t threaten or throw things at anyone else. Because drink didn’t cause him to lose control.

Even if he never does this again, he has shown you what can happen if you “step out of line”.

Where's OP gone?
I just wanted to give a baby's perspective of having no control and being completely powerless, feeling her DMs fear and hearing all the highly distressing sounds. She will not be able to ever vocalise any of this, but the fear will be there.
This is only his fault OP, not yours.
The only way your baby will be safe is to stay with your DM and she locks him out, if you want to stay with him.
Please know that every time an abuser does this, what yours just did, he will prose whatever it takes to get you to move past it without rage and pretend it never happened, never to be mentioned again.
You won't be 'allowed'.
Some will threaten suicide (i.e. emotionally blackmail you too). Some will promise to never drink again (which is a blatant lie), others cry and plead and actually do look really sorry, even though they are not.

They will control you over and over, rinse and repeat.

I am so sorry for your awful, awful, shocking experience.
Take care of you and your baby

Where's OP gone?

I don't know, but if she has decided to stay with him, I hope he hasn't been snooping in her phone and found she posted this thread,

I really hope her mother is repeating what all the mumsnetters on here are saying - leave him for your own safety and the safety of the baby, and I really hope she follows that advice and that wasn't just him loosing his temper and slapping her across the face ...that was real rage and violence, if anybody else had done it to her I bet she would have had no hesitation to report it to the police...