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Original poster

How do you deal with a passive aggressive spouse?

103 replies

ThatOneHurt · 10/11/2018 18:46

He only does it about once a year but it fucking enrages me.

Today he is doing it.

Long story short. DH walks into the flat with his shoes on. This really fucks me off. I hate shoes on in the house and he's marked the carpet this way before. The flat is originally mine (rented) so the desposit is in my name so damage will affect how much I get back.

He has he shoes on today. I pointed it out. He shouted at me that he pays the rent now so he can do what he likes. Hours later, he still has them on.

WRT him paying all the rent now.
Yup he does.

He inherited a house, he decided to rent it out (I said we should sell it) which means we arent entitled to tax credits and I'm no longer entitled to any NHS bursary which I used to live on.
I now have zero money apart from the peanuts I earn through part time work inbetween juggling a degree and our two kids.

So through stupid decisions that I was against his doing, he is now is the soul earner and has to pay all the rent and bills. My income (about £200 a month) just about covers my own bills, car tax etc.

So apparently now he can wear his shoes in the house, walk crap everywhere, because
"I PAY THE RENT AND I CAN WEAR MY SHOES IN HERE IF I WANT"

And fuck my deposit.

He does stupid passive aggressive crap like this.
One time he stuck my washing puff thing on the other side of the bathroom at by the ceiling as far away from the shower as possible. The reason? Because I used to stick it on the wrong tile and it used to drip on him. Hmm

I hate passive aggressiveness. It's pathetic and it makes me angry. I don't want to get angry because that's him winning.
How do I deal with it?

OP posts:
Marchate · 10/11/2018 18:59

He's not passive, only aggressive

AnyFucker · 10/11/2018 19:02

I wouldn't live with a dick like that

mummmy2017 · 10/11/2018 19:04

Stupid man, the house can and is half yours should you ever divorce...
The law changed it is now needs...

You would need income for a house... He has capital... Friend even had pre nup... Judges don't care.

Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 10/11/2018 19:07

AnyFucker right now I do not want to live with him either.
I told him to get the fuck out if he's so unhappy. He refused.

I'm 8 months pregnant so there's fuck all I can do about it.

It's actually usually a very quiet, passive man. But when he's an arse hole, he's a massive arse hole.
I'm very stressed out with end of year uni work and he's throwing all that back at me as well.
I'm not allowed to be stressed. To him it isn't me stressed it's me "being a bitch" and let's not forget that he pays all the rent. Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 10/11/2018 19:07

Oh and he throws in the "you get half a million pound house out of me!" Hmm
Lovely.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/11/2018 19:08

He calls you names too ? Lovely man.

Equalityumber · 10/11/2018 19:09

It sounds like there are bigger problems in your marriage that go way beyond wearing shoes in the house.

You’re married and yet you had no say on the inheritance of the property. Did you not discuss the impact that would have on your tax credits? You’re now resenting your DH for the situation he’s put you in with regards to your income.

fluffygreenmonsterhoody · 10/11/2018 19:11

That’s not passive, that’s just aggressive.

If you’re not married his rented-out house isn’t much use to you. You’re very vulnerable OP. Can you squirrel anything away?

lifebegins50 · 10/11/2018 19:11

Are you married? Just if so he will also have an interest in keeping the house well.

He seems unwilling to compromise and discuss it so now it's a power struggle. If you knew he was upset with your behaviour would you continue?

Do you usually manage to discuss issue because Ex was PA, but once lived in a joint house he became aggressive.Red flag was that we didn't really discuss issues and that should have been my warning.

Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 10/11/2018 19:27

Can you squirrel anything away?
No. I have no money now because of his decisions.

Did you not discuss the impact that would have on your tax credits?
I told him. Many times. He didn't listen.

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 10/11/2018 19:34

OP you need to be planning a future for yourself that doesn't depend on his money because I would say this marriage is over.

Holdingonbarely · 10/11/2018 19:51

Do you actually know what passive aggressive is. Because he’s not passive aggressive.
He’s just aggressive, and manipulative

Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 10/11/2018 20:35

Well I'm currently in a premier inn with youngest DC.

So eldest DS and DH can just bitch and moan about me until their hearts are content for a night.

I'm sick of them both accusing me of being a shouty bitch who "controls" DS (in other words I don't let him to whatever he likes whenever he likes because he's a child and there needs to be boundaries) and DH is better at parenting. Last time I checked he has absolutely not control over the kids and they run riot until I step in and sort it out. So I'm the dragon, DH is the one who DS cries to about me, and they both like to call me a bitch together.

I couldn't stand to be near them for a minute longer.

I actually can't believe they have done this to me. I had to get out if there.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 10/11/2018 20:56

How is is your oldest ds? And how old is the youngest?

Hope you get some sleep, not surprised you’ve walked away. Name calling like that and his general entitled attitude would be enough for me to end things

Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 10/11/2018 21:04

Eldest is nearly 12. I'm gutted that he's upset. But he can't just do whatever he pleases, there has to be boundaries that keep him safe.
Sometimes his phone gets confiscated if he elbows his brother in the head or breaks something. All these are the reasons why "I'm a bitch" and all these are the reasons why DH has thrown them in my face.

Youngest DS is 7.

OP posts:
PoppyField · 10/11/2018 21:22

Jesus, your DH allows your 12 year old son to call you a bitch?

He’s a disgrace. Abusive and a disgrace.

Sorry OP. As others have said, you haven’t got a passive agressive H, just a controlling and abusive one. And he has manipulated your finances and cut off your income deliberately. He’s a shit.

I think you deserve better than this. It’s not about how you ‘handle’ him. He is abusing you.. I think you need to get him out of your life, he is already poisoning your DS.

Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 10/11/2018 21:28

He didn't deliberately cut off my finances to control me, he did it because he made a stupid mistake, thought he knew better and he now regrets it. But I'm the one who's lost out lost of all, he said pissed off that he's having to pay for everything and on top of that he throws he pulls the "I pay the rent" line.
That's less of a control thing and more of an idiot thing.

But the putting me down behind my back is really not ok. That is bothering me greatly. That really really hurts. That's not ok at all.

OP posts:
GloomyMonday · 10/11/2018 22:37

I'm on the fence. You say it happens once a year. Most people do something dickish once a year, surely. Maybe even you op. Tbh I make my own decisions about what footwear I want to wear in my own home and would be irritated at someone telling me what I can and can't wear too.

Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 10/11/2018 22:47

I never used to say anything about the shoes.
But the carpet began turning brown and stained where he was coming in and out for smoking.
And since the deposit is my money and I really don't want to have to replace the carpets (nearly lost a whole chunk of deposit in the last place when he spilled a mug of coffee under the floor and left it. Professional carpet cleaners failed to fix it) I asked him not to wear shoes in doors.

But you're right. It is only once a year. According to them I'm a parent bitch all the time though.

OP posts:
midsomermurderess · 10/11/2018 23:23

Nothing passive about that aggression.

Northernparent68 · 10/11/2018 23:24

I do nt think this is as simple as everyone else on this thread does, your husband and son should nt gang up on you, but it is controlling to insist everyone takes their shoes off. I doubt everyday use is turning the carpet Brown.

Northernparent68 · 10/11/2018 23:26

As for the parenting maybe you are too strict, why are you right and he’s wrong ?

Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 10/11/2018 23:27

I doubt everyday use is turning the carpet Brown.
I don't know what you mean for this bit? It was him coming in and out for smoking that started to make a section of the carpet brown from wet and muddy feet. So I started pointing out that he has his shoes on in the house.

He would absolutely agree with you that this is controlling behaviour from me.

Perhaps it is. But I like my carpets to stay clean.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 10/11/2018 23:30

It's not that he is wrong.
It's just that I'm the one parenting and he doesn't. DS comes to me and asks if he can do X Y Z.
DS comes to me to tell me he's had a detention. I'm the one who sorts out the fights when he's elbowed his brother in the head. Etc etc.
So it's not that our parenting is different, rather that it's me that does it.

If ever I leave it up to DH the kids run riot. He has absolutely no control over them. They don't listen to a word he says and it escalated as though he isn't there.

I do shout, but it gets sorted in 5 seconds flat.

I realise there is a lot to pull apart here and I will get ripped to shreds.
I'm willing to hear it though, I've never thought I'm the perfect parent that's for sure.

OP posts:
mugcookie2020 · 10/11/2018 23:33

Not very easily. My husband is a bit like this. Everything in the house has to be just so and chores done in a certain way. I'm a busy working mum who is messy and forgetful and when I do things too many times e.g. forget to put the used toilet roll in the recycle bin he'll start doing stupid things like leaving notes on things or putting the toilet rolls on my half of the bed. It's childish and like living in a student house again. I don't think we're particularly well suited...i will lose my rag at him when this happens too often and yell at him then he will sulk for days. I try really hard to be a better person and tidier for a while but then I can't maintain it and we always fall back into this boring, unhappy, repeating pattern :(