How do you deal with a passive aggressive spouse?

[ThatOneHurt]

He only does it about once a year but it fucking enrages me.

Today he is doing it.

Long story short. DH walks into the flat with his shoes on. This really fucks me off. I hate shoes on in the house and he's marked the carpet this way before. The flat is originally mine (rented) so the desposit is in my name so damage will affect how much I get back.

He has he shoes on today. I pointed it out. He shouted at me that he pays the rent now so he can do what he likes. Hours later, he still has them on.

WRT him paying all the rent now.
Yup he does.

He inherited a house, he decided to rent it out (I said we should sell it) which means we arent entitled to tax credits and I'm no longer entitled to any NHS bursary which I used to live on.
I now have zero money apart from the peanuts I earn through part time work inbetween juggling a degree and our two kids.

So through stupid decisions that I was against his doing, he is now is the soul earner and has to pay all the rent and bills. My income (about £200 a month) just about covers my own bills, car tax etc.

So apparently now he can wear his shoes in the house, walk crap everywhere, because
"I PAY THE RENT AND I CAN WEAR MY SHOES IN HERE IF I WANT"

And fuck my deposit.

He does stupid passive aggressive crap like this.
One time he stuck my washing puff thing on the other side of the bathroom at by the ceiling as far away from the shower as possible. The reason? Because I used to stick it on the wrong tile and it used to drip on him.

I hate passive aggressiveness. It's pathetic and it makes me angry. I don't want to get angry because that's him winning.
How do I deal with it?

OK, I didn't realise you were pregnant. That does make things more tricky.

Although on the subject of it being five weeks till Christmas (which is ages, BTW) there will always be that kind of "reason" to stay. Someone's birthday, exams, a holiday booked. If you're waiting for the perfect time, you'll be waiting a long time.

But if you want a way to get back into the house tonight, call your husband and tell him you need to discuss what happened. Don't just show up at the house. He will know instantly that you've backed down. Speak on the phone about arranging a talk, and judge from his tone how conciliatory he is likely to be. He'll be nicer on the phone because he wants you back under his roof looking after the children. He'll save his true nastiness for when he feels secure that he's got you.

Don't just show up at the house. He will know instantly that you've backed down. Speak on the phone

That's how I feel. As though if I come home that's it over with and all the issues we had are forgotten about.

However, I'm not ready to speak to him on the phone. I'm tired and stressed and can't think straight. I need to be able to talk when I'm level headed and not liable to getting upset, a phone call would be counterintuitive at this point.

Also, I saw a solicitor last time and sat him down and spoke to him about it last time about it being totally unacceptable that he uses the financial imbalance to beat me round the head with.
Its clearly not helped whatsoever because we are right back in the same position again.

OP how much is this bellend worth? If you divorce, assets will be split equally, especially with three kids. You could get your money and set yourself up somewhere nice without this waste of oxygen making you miserable. Surely that must be tempting.
It sounds like you both despise each other, it really does. I bet once you are divorced and the dust has settled you will wonder how on earth you ever lived with him.

And then when you have your nice fat settlement, ask him who pays the fucking rent 😂😂

Why don't you call him and arrange to have lunch out..
Your tired and growing a baby.
This makes anyone more prone to upset...
Your son may act up as he feels last in line..
Try love bombing him, thank him for any small thing he does... You have nothing to lose by trying this, him saying your grumpy all the time is a mass pointer from your child.

It sounds like you both despise each other
I do right now that's for sure. But all the rest of the time we get on really well, we laugh all the time we are kind and thoughtful with one another. But when we argue and he chucks this at me, I assume he's been thinking it the whole time. I feel like he thinks I should bow down to him and be oh-so grateful that he pays the rent and he's provided this big house.
If we did despise each other like this all the time then ending it would be far far easier.
The fact is I love him and I don't actually want to leave him. But at the same time, I refuse to live under his thumb, like I owe him something for the rest of my life. Even the thought of that is making me want to cry.

Your son may act up as he feels last in line. Try love bombing him.
My world revolves around him. Where he's going next, where to collect him from, what new item to buy for his scooter, who's taking his scooter to be fixed again, etc etc etc.
He's very much NOT last in line. And I'm a human being, he's called me a bitch and the last thing I want to do is 'love bomb' him when I bend over backwards for him and spend a fortune on him.

I'm not in the right frame of mind to go out to lunch with either of them.

I know this sounds like I'm kicking all your advice to the curb, but talking this out is actually making me realise how I feel about the situation which is helping greatly. So thank you so much for this.

Christ Almighty, licking this tosser's arse is terrible advice.

Where you love him or not OP, he won’t change. He has shown his colours. You are married for god’s sake, what does it matter who pays the rent. Well clearly it does to him. He pays it therefore you dance to his tune.

I totally agree with the last two posts.

Op, you are at a crossroads here

You have tried giving him an ultimatum before. It didn't work so that avenue is closed unless you actually follow through (and mean it). Empty threats will devalue you further in his eyes.

I think the "yearly episodes" are a red herring because the problem is his attitude which is entrenched and constant.

So...find a way to live with it by compromising your own self respect or decide this is not what you want

That's really hard to hear because it's correct. Every word of it.

Fuck.

I'm sorry.

Ah so with your son you have created a monster... I know you love him. But your son has no respect for you. So just stop doing things for him. Tell him actions have consequences and this xmas don't give in to guilt, give him about half of what he expects... Make he realise. Now while you still have some control over things..
You still need to work it out with your husband, has he called or messaged you yet?
Oh and too the rent thing, answer. And who put me in this position... YOU DID...
THEN GO THE LOO OR HAVE A BATH...
She who turns and walks away lives to fight another day.

I personally wouldn't change actions regarding the son. Keep being who you are - be always fair and consistent with him and give him what you normally would for xmas. Ultimately, kids are not daft and I reckon this one will see DH for the cock-womble that he is.

This does seem to be about your H's lack of respect for you. It feels callous that he is shouting at his 8 month pregnant wife.

Does your H have a dislike for women in general? What is his relationship like with his family?

one of the behaviours attributed to passive aggressive personality is a deliberate failure to accomplish required tasks.
He is doing this.
I also lived with a passive aggressive husband for many years. They know something is annnoying the hell out of you for reasons that you have tried to discuss with them, but they insist of deliberately continuing to do it. On one occasion my ex came into the house and did something outrageous. He looked at me to make sure I saw that. My BIL was there at the time and saw what my ex did. My BIL looked at me open mouthed and said 'did you see what he just did?' So I know how booldy annoying it is.

I just spoke to my mum who was extremely pragmatic about the whole situation.

She too said definitely don't go home. Let them stew, wonder where we are (they have no idea) and wonder when/if we're coming home.
Then say to DH that we are clearly unhappy, he clearly doesn't like having to pay the rent, his actions have taken my money and no way can I live in a shared owned house that he will forever used againgst me.
So ask him to leave for me to regain my financial situation back, DH will no longer have to pay anything toward my flat and everyone is happy. Right? And even say that DS can say with him.

My mum thinks it's calling their bluff.

A wake up call for them.

I feel like it's either a wake up call or just a rehearsal for the real thing.

But either way I'm going to have to do exactly that. I just can't go home and pretend nothing has happened just for this to happen again.
I mean what the hell is it teaching our kids? That there is no equality in marriage. That one spouse will constantly hold it over another? How fucking unhealthy is that?

I'm absolutely gutted that it's come to this.

Worst thing is, the day we got the news that we inherited this house I foresaw ALL of this coming. I knew he would do this.

Has he said anything since you've spoken

You mean since I left? I walked out last night, we haven't spoken since.
Neither him nor DS has text.

I'm not going to lie, I will be absolutely gutted if neither of them text me at any point. At least to see how younger DS is???

He just text asking when we are coming home. He said he will leave for a while if I want.

I just want to cry but I'm in the middle of some horrific soft play centre.

This whole thing is so fucking depressing.

Say yes please leave for a while. If he leaves you can then work with older DS one he his behaviour is unacceptable and he will not have his Dad to back him up. DS May also realise how much he relies on you if Dad is gone. If he calls you bitch one more time. Put his phone in the bin. DO NOT accept that. Go into his school and tell his teachers, and get support in straightening him out. I'm sorry to be frank but little shit needs sorting. DH can leave and beg to come back.

Ask if DH is not already dealing with his child calling his mom a bitch then you need to leave anyway. That's horrific.

As for the parenting maybe you are too strict, why are you right and he’s wrong

Because encouraging your son to call his mother a bitch is such fantastic parenting isn’t it?

Exactly to the last post. Also letting your son hear you call your wife a bitch is actually emotional abuse in my opinion.

I am sorry this is such a horrible situation, I have left a marriage to a man like this, I feel so much happier that I am in control again. It's easy to say LTB, but I do think you need to address this issue once and for all, and with your ds (I would involve the school too in your situation). I your shoes, I would be prepared to leave if this doesn't get put to bed.